Believe to Achieve

Sick to stomach with anxiety because i have been so depressed. Got to race later than wanted. Jogged the wrong way on orem blvd then pulled out map and realized i was not going in right direction. Masive dark cloud over me and muscles in legs still sore from tuesday, ridiculously so. Got to start line and roefly saw rachelle and jen but immediately felt no race mojo nothing. No adrenaline, no excitement just sadness. When i am oit of this hole i hope to make it up to everyone. I am not myself and it is perplexing and daunting. Running in this state is like tryong to run from your brain and you cant. Physically this race was good on my heart, my legs were tighter than post marathon soreness but with my mind it would not matter. I have never run this course and due to my poor memory i forgot my watch. So no timing device just me and my non excited body trying to work with my brain. At the giant hill i looked ahead and saw a girl i had before but could not remember who she was .....i figured she was in third. Right beside her was josse i felt so alone. I pretty much jogged the uphill. I had no desire to speed up and i dont even know if i passed yellow sbirt kid or not...i dont think i did. I have no splits but i was about 10 secs behind rachelled at the first mile of her 10 k. I had no desire to place i had no desire to compete i had no idea what my time was only i knew i had to be slower than i originally wanted cause i jogged the hill. I wanted a pr but when i woke this am i was too tight for a pr. Are lunges and squats really that good for runners? Maybe not old runners . I am happy that third place girl got my pr 19:45 that made me laugh to myself . Basically i hope i am forgiven for being debbie downer. I suppose i am happy that i got my second goal that i told my sister yesterday...under 21 minutes if my legs are still sore. Wose than my sore legs was the extreme need to pee at the starting line and no bathrooms in the community with houses along the entire course. On the downhill two guys easily sped passed me and when it flattened i easily passed them ....my quads were trashed on the downhiil. It was no advantage that 7 percent downhill for 1/4 mile. Ouch. Again i m sorry for who i am rivht now. Everyone else keep on being you!

so today I got word from Kim the workout Jane made up.  I ran it on a smaller scale (15 x400s them). I ran 12 x 400s.  Three mile warmup and I thought I was on some treadmill that was slow cause 8:00 pace felt easy so I upped it to 7:30 by three miles.  Ran 10.2, 10.3, 10.4, 10.5 (0%) with equal recovery at 1 % and 8:00 pace.  REPEAT x 3.  Cool down x 1 mile 7:45 ap I believe.    Besides a very mental case brain all this felt easy.  The hard part were my thoughts of despair. So I will just leave it at that....I am thinking my way out.    THIS IS THE FIRST DAY SINCE LUNGE AND SQUAT TO THE MAX workout last Tuesday that I haven't been sore.  Saturday's race was a sad day for me hence why I just took myself off the blog for a bit.  And I need love and support not judgment and nonreaction.    I only wish to PR.  I don't care if I am faster than anyone else.  Thanks Josse for coming up to me!! Smiling and cheerful is a great way to be : D.

One mile warmup, 7:42 before LUNGE and SQUAT POWER PUMP class...YUP same as last week that took me six days to recover from.  Man alive she doesn't quit.  I love Lori's spirit and zest for sweat and strength!!  I am feeling stronger however and that part feels great.  Still in feelings of despair...but can't talk about that...ON to MY way of getting out of it...TALK therapy.  Today was a little better than yesterday....I could feel a little adrenaline.  Yesterday, even music in my ears made me feel alone.  Today....I was a bit back to feeling some groove.  OVER whelming feeling of aloneness...yet when I talk to my friends and serve my kids and husband I can usually block out this feeling.    Waking in the morning is the hardest when it used to be my favorite part of the day...however if I just keep doing what I have been doing I can get through it.  I put in a call to my Dr today. Waiting for her call back.  She said to call anytime I had a question about my condition.  She probably won't like that I haven't gone to the specialist on hypopituitarism yet.  Sometimes money must be thrown out the window for survival.    I struggle with sense of self:  is it good to try to be better than others???  I don't think so.    Hence why my running is about PRs and not winning.  I want everybody to be happy.  Anyway...if I just put a smile on my face and continue to serve in any way...I feel better.    OKAY ENOUGH  ALREADY... FORWARD MARCH!!!   : D   1 mile cooldown after one hour of blood sweat and tears.  7:31.  1%.

Zero running miles but probably 10 walking fast at work miles. Very busy team. Got thru pretty good except my depression thoughts. I tried hard to not let any negative thoughts creel in and soak in all the beautiful babies .

Getting a little bit of a head cold. My whole family got it one by one i dont think i am going to get it too badly. Really wishing i could sleep all night and not get up..cause when i do get up i am up for over an hour or more. This time i woke at 4am. Fell bqck to sleep at 530 or so...alarm to get courtney up 630. So up with a smile. Amber and brooke up at 720. Drove kids to school at 7:50. Then off to rec....chatted with a friend for 15 minutes so only got 1.25 miles in before spin. 8:00 ap. Then spin with weights at end while spinning. Legs sore still from tuesday but not like last week..like 50 % btr than how i was last week post lunge class. Got on tm and recovery pace x 7.25 miles kept at 6.7 to 7.1 with one brief visit up to 8:00 pace. Really enjoyed just jogging and not forcing a pace on tired legs. 8:41 felt percect. Stretched well afterward. To costa vida with my hunny for a prebirthday luncheon...my last lunch as a 44 year old. Tmr i will be 1/2 way to 90!!! Yikes.

Mile 45 of 100. 65 to go. Head cold started last night the kind that if u over do it u will get sicker. Just sinuses. Fuzzy brain. But definitely a virus. Ran easy with sore upper body and a little in legs from spin and lunge classes this week and u know how colds make every symptom amplified. No real plan as usual but to run 8. First mile at 8:27 pace and 2% incline a little much for my body so brought it to 1% and 8:41 pace and increased each mile by 0.1 mph til 6. Didnt like 8:00 pace so turned it back to 8:57 for a mile at mile 6. That helped and gave me the energy to run the last two at 6:48 and 6:44. Breathing good but body tired...muscles are transforming and is taking some getting used to. Off to lunch with friends at zupas:-). I need a nap. This cold is going around fast. Just be warned. Have a great day all...halfway mark will be met officially at 5:31 pm utah time, 7:31 east coast time, where i was born. Looking forward to bday cake with family, some party games and olympic events. Twice olympics have started on my bday. I am an olympian in spirit. :-)

Work 13 hours. No time or energy for a run. Admit nursery. Good shift.

Admit nsy. Watched open ceremonies of olympics last night and sunday, today. Also watched some skating and snowboarding..gold for usa in snowboard by Sagefom Utah.

Red flyknits need to go. Shouod not have worn them. They are worn out. Pancakes. No suport live and learn. Texted kim.,workout 6x 1200 with 400 recovery so ran just that with a 3 mile warmup...8:34 for 0.75, 8:19 for 0.75 , 8:06 for 0.75 and 7:53 for 0.75. 1%. Then right into sw...5 @ 6:15 pace, 9.6mph and 1@ 6:10 pace, 0% incline recovery at 8:41 , 6.9mph for 0.25 miles. 0Ne mile cooldown 8:20 pace. Not eaay. Tired from long work ahifts sat and sunday and cold finishing up. Slight pull in heel last night.,gotta be careful..think it is from being sick cause each time i got pf it came on after a headcold. My sinuses are clear now so this only lasted three days if that. But joints are achy as if instead the virus wants to harbor there. :-( took a celebrex just now.

7 miles 2% grade ...recovery style 8:41 x 2, 8:27 x 2 ,8:12 x 2, 8:00 x 1, 1 mile at 6:42 ap (upped pace 0.1 mph from 8.5 mph x 10 @ 0 % incline). Then back to 1% incline for two miles at 7.4 to 8.5 with brief pickup at end most of last two miles at 8pace. Then power pump for 35 min. Missed first half on purpose then felt really good so did class. Feeling strong after taking run easy. Good mood today. Sun out. Good friends and we are headed to sg for the weekend for a soccer tournament. We leave thursday night. :-) 70 degrees there. 10 miles in 81:29/8:09.

Finally decided to run outdoors!!  First time in over two weeks.  I really thought mentally couldn't handle it even though mentally doing better. Weird huh?  This February drab weather and memories of injury the last two years coming on this time of year were jabbing at my brain..but I decided to PUSH those thoughts ( and others as best I could) out of my mind and ENJOY  the now for what it stood for for me.  I thought about Shaun White..how after two Golds ending his Olympics without a medal gotta be a downer for such a great snowboarder.  But his responses to high attention from media have been at best in circumstances.  He is a true inspiration for drive and determination (if you saw the coverage from his big fall about a year ago you will understand how this was a big come back of courage. He actually was afraid to snowboard for a bit).  Anyway I plugged along running to the finish of AF half (two miles from my house) and up to mile marker 10 and back home so five out and back.  My garmin likes to change modes without warning but still show time at end and was pretty happy that my easy pace today was an AP of 8:05. Picked it up slightly the last mile and it turned out to be a 7:31.  One stop with a light at AF hospital area at mile 1.  Weather was cooler than I thought it would be.  The cloud cover was not something I wanted today to try and lift my mood.  But I am getting there.Training my damaged brain to see the positive and to help others along the way.  Going out for a Sweet Heart lunch with my hubby.  We are in St. George from Thursday night til Monday for Soccer Tournament.   Courtney and Grandma staying at home.  Go NORTHERN PEAKS!!  (troy is the coach).

Massive fatigue. Bad dreams. Vivid. And woke exhausted. Cat nap from 8 am to 9am after kids off to school. On call for work. Sluggishly got to gym. Slapped my face a few times. My brain was so tired. My body felt fine except some tricep and lower back achiness from routine tuesday. I could not shake the fatigue but still ran a mini hill work on tm. 2 mile wu 8:30 pace. Then 1 min on/ off at 8:00 pace alternating 0 percent incline and 4 to 10 percent incline going up one percent every other minute, repeated x 3. One mile cooldown 8:41. Five pounds of sweat and off to sauna to detox more. Head still very foggy like i had been drugged heavily.

In sunny sg....39 degrees here feels so much warmer than pleasant grove....sun out 915 am run left mobile home and ran up to the tuachan theatre right outside snow canyon...four rolling miles up and and back down. I felt light as a feather. Clean air helps and 2600 feet elevation.. Absolutely loved my run that o had to turn off my music and put my head phones away. The red cliffs and blue sky was so rewarding. Felt like i was a runner again. 7:58 ap. This was easy pace no pushing it except last 0.75 miles just a teensy bit but it was downhill. 7:09.

SNOW CANYON IS MY HEAVEN! Up and back x two. Cruising along at easy long run pace. Joined briefly by a slc guy who ran 3:08 at sg last year and training for boston too only he comes to sg every weekend to run his long runs. Lol. . He was running five. We ran three together at 7:30 pace up and down the snow canyo parkway. Then when he left i was at 10 miles. I ran again back to snow canyo . My pelvis joints were achy probably from twl late nights for soccer tournament. 1230 am to bed after our win against la roca 9-0 in mesquite at 9 pm. Slept 6.5 hours and woke old lady style sl i knew i wpuld have to get kinks out y running easy today. No fast finish til next week. Ap today 7:55 for 16. Loved it. Last mile 6:59. Oh and first real long run since sg and no stops two caffeine free gus no water. Cool enough for ear warmers and gloves at times but wore shorts and short sleeves. Locals dressed all up. And wow i made to the 60 miles for the week and tbos used to be my norm?

Church in sg yesterday then drove home at 315 after a one hour rest at Dizzy Parkwith girls. Came home to oldest daughter in a bad way......tooke her to dr.....diagnosis obvious strep throat. Youngest with sinus infection. Both put on antibiotics while my left eye over last four days as given me grief and now looking Bob Costas like with a droopy eyelid. So no running . Just recovering from four drives back and forth to mesquite from st george in 34 hours for four soccer games. Glad to leave and come back to take care of my daughter. Win not worth one more day in st george so brookes soccer team is good on waiting for their day.Wtched Lego movie with girls six hours after courtneys shot in bum of penicillin. We enjoyed the movie .....EVERYTHING IS AWESOME EVERYTHING IS COOL WHEN YOU ARE PART OF A TEAM EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!! Yah see the movie.

Worked all day. No desire to get up early and run. Amber kept me up cryi g that she couldnt sleep with her constant coughing . Laid with her for almost an hour at0100. Thinking i may not feel like running tmr am either. Just hard to get out of bed. Being lazy not depressed just listening to my body. Especially since my eyehas issues.

Saucony fives....dried my flyknits in the dryer on medium heat and they SHRUNK. Toes very tight in toe box. Grrr. So wore the fives but no cushion there since they are racing flats and weigh nothing. OUCH on this old body. Just various joints in spine and legs and left hip yelping. But ignored the aging scream. It wasn't that bad just annoying. See my sleep time? Yup about four hours. All three of my daughters having trouble sleeping. Amber coughing up a lung and Brooke insomnia problem and Courtney feeling better after penicillin shot for strep catching up on lost reading time. Brooke got into bed with me. Kicked her out (gently) at 410am. Because I work at 6am I just got up and finally got out the door at 435am. Kind of tossed a 3 mile tempo with  another one or two fast miles. Thought I would feel great cause in my mind it played out well but the shoes probably were a factor for me and the fact that I was cold and hadn't slept well for two nights. Not sure of the temp but my tummy was red when I got back.. Anyway, ran 2 mile warmup: 8:26, 7:56??? weird, THEN 6:32, 6:45, 6:46. Those last two were not easy for me that I wanted to give up. The air seemed junky and my spine was achy. I actually stopped cause I saw on my watch a pace of 7:08 on the third mile 0.1 into it. I was mad that the effort felt harder. FUNNY THING was that when I stopped my watch the PACE ACTUALLY showed 6:49. LOL. It must have still showed my pace for when I slowed just before the light at AF hospital. Ha ha. When I saw that, I kicked myself and got back to work and finished the 3 miles. About a 20 second stop. Then ran one mile recovery 7:45. That felt easy. Then another fast mile 6:48. Then a half mile easy 8:06 then finished with another fast 1/2 mile at 6:40 pace. Definitely will not be wearing those shoes much. Maybe if I were 20 pounds lighter. NOT going to happen. My race weight is practically athena. 129 to 130 pounds these days. Not light by any sense of the word for a marathoner. Winter I tend to hold on to five more pounds so maybe by Boston I will be down a couple. AP for 8 miles = 7:18. So I got home got out of my clothes and started getting ready for work when I saw I had a voice mail on my phone. Today is not my call shift YET it was my turn to be cut. Seriously??? I just ran at 430 am for nothing??? I am going to take a nap now. Just got kids off to school. I deserve it : D. I think I will do this work out every week only stretch it out to 3, then 2 then 1. After that change it to 3, 2, 2. Then 3, 3, 2, and finish at 3, 3, 3 : D. Repeat that x 1 or 2 til Boston.

arggh!!  The olympics are keeping me awake at night!!  besides my usual extreme difficulty falling and staying asleep being over adrenaline-ized watching winter sports is NOT helping.  Luckily they only come around every four years!!  Anyway got kids off to school and hubby was off to work.  Did Josse's core work out #2 x 2 BEFORE running.  NOT a good thing to do.  I didn't warmup before doing it and then when I ran my legs felt all jello-ey and then lead like.  Ran 12 miles.  7:59 AP.  Cold and just not into it but did it when in the first mile I was going to walk home.  Some runs are like that.

PM:  shake out run as Rachelle calls it. 4.3 miles in 36:14   After the two miles I felt great.  5:45 pm start.  6.25 hours after first run. Sun going down.

5 mile loop to ambers class. Fifth grade teachers have kids run a mile every friday. Last time i went was fall. Only been today and that time. Amber ran 7:21 in the fall air. Since she has told me she just jogs it she has a super bad cough and on antibiotics for a sinus infection. I paced her easy so no going oit too fast. We gained on first llace girl who slowed a lot bit amber then panocked and began coughing. She came in with me at 7:41 a second behind other girl. Four boys ahead pf us. This is twp classes so 60 kids. Ran home a mile and took a sip of powerade. Gross i hate lemon lime powerade. Idk why we bouvht it. Took only 15 seconds and off i went on a loop that got me back at my house at mile 16. Just could not take my tight flyknits anymore. I tried pulling and stretching the toe box ut it just did not help. Feet were so cramped. Put on red flyknits with 670 miles on them and a half size bigger to begin with. No cusbion left but toes lo ing life. First mile 8:51. Last mile 7:27. Ap 8:05. Wiped out from the double high mileage and core work. Arms and chest sore. So much punishment. I need a reward now. :-) sorry for typos. Phone doesnt show what i am texting til finished and i can see witb blown up letters as i type that i made lots of them. Oh well. Taking a nap now.

After this entry I am off in search of a new pair of shoes.  No matter what I do I cannot stretch my flyknits back to a 9.5.  My feet are so squished and it causing my left IT band to act up and my right plantar to curl in with my toes.  Just can't run normally.  Today I headed back to Gold's Gym.  It has been 12 days.  Yep outside running is being nice to me.  UNTIL FREAKING DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME STARTS and RUINS EVERYTHING!!!  daylight savings is for NIGHT owls.  NOT MORNING GLORIES!!  CRUD.  The change kills me every year.  Luckily I have planned a down week for the week after it starts :D.  Hopefully it is the cure all for me.  So hard to get kids in bed with daylight.  And morning runs DARK once more.  Blah.  I had absolutely no plan for speed today just a 10 mile recovery run but my last run (18 miles on Sat) was so laid back that I had some energy although I drove to the gym thinking I needed a nap.  I worked the last two days in the level two nursery.  13 hour shifts.  No windown to the outside world.  Long days but rewarding. LOVE babies.  So for some reason I just started my TM at 7.4 mph.  Wasn't sure where I was going from there.  Did some math in my head and wondering what pace I would be at if I upped the TM every mile by 0.1?  The ending seemed too slow *7:13.  So then I calculated increasing every mile by 0.2 miles.  Ahh better...finish with a 6:31 mile.   Mile splits at 1% incline (all except last mile I put at 0%, didn't need to but it is a mental thing)....8:06, 7:53, 7:41, 7:30, 7:18, 7:07, 6:58, 6:48, 6:39, 6:22 (6:31 for half mile then to 6:00 to 6:27 for last 0.5 miles).  NO STOPS.  Just water.  AP for 10=  7:15.    72:38 total time. Cooldown slow jog and walk x 1/2 mile.

Insomnia even on melatonin. So got up at 501 and ran five easy miles before clocking in for work ...6:01 dang a minute late....that is what i get for packing breakfast and lunch post run. Ap 8:32. I guess to save time I could have run faster but I wanted to run easy.  Worked 12.5 hours.  Missed the gorgeous weather. 

Shopping day. Took too long.  To even post  the time at walmart is incriminating, double coupon and price matching.---all by myself. Took from 0900 til the first kid came home from school at 2:25 (when I finished unpacking and actually ate lunch). Never again. No day off and i hadn't run yet which made me very anxious.  Got kids doing their homework and piano.  Then i remembered visiting teaching. So had to run in 65 minutes to be there on time albeit in shorts.  Ran fivehilly in 35:30. 7:06 ap. First mile 7:21, last mile 6:46. Got a drink of water at my house then ran 3 miles at 7:40 pace. Visit taught at 445pm. Luckily hubby read my mind and made dinner for the family and was ready in 10 minutes after I made it home from visiting teaching at 5:30.   Ate dinner then drove to Orem a play at Hale theatre. Tired.  PLAY WAS VERY GOOD.  Quite enjoyed myself.  Took Amber along with hubby as my sister who was supposed to go with us with her husband had strep throat. Got the tickets from running 5k race.  It was simply spectacular!!  Seriously..GO  if you can.  Very well done, the cast and scenery changes all on a center stage.  So fun!!  

River the play at Hale theatre was very good and very creative! I recommend it. A night removed from usual media so refreshing . Ran recovery miles in the storm coming in air so gonna miss yesterdays weather. Now it has been raining sonce i got back. Went to bday lunch with julie esplin and melanie. Fun times . Did varying route around my neighboring hoods. Ap a lovely 8:42. No pushing it. Just jogging. Joints in wrists and back achy...then i realized duh of course..always when a storm is approaching .

Saucony fives. No new shoes yet. So tired not sleeping . Woke tired but took a nap after kids off to school, hubby to work, and vacumming done. 10 to 1100. I needed it. There was drool on my pillow so i must have slept. I felt much better when i got up. My legs felt really good like i should hurry and start running right then but of course i take my time. I still felt good in the legs but just a little tired but way btr than waking at 440!!!! Yup up since 440 which is why i needed the nap. Plan was just five miles at random paces upping every 1/2 to a mile. Went to gym cause i needed to feel a lart of the world. Saw melissa. She is so fun to talk to. Super fun and happy while running away on the tm. I stood there talking. She was done within a mile sl i just got on her tm. Ran 3.5 miles at about 7:40 ap then ran WAIT FOR IT, WAIT .... A 6:01.8 mile, yup 6:01. Not planned at all except inspired by april and her 6:00 death pace . I ran it like this....started at 9.5 mph and increased pace every 0.1 moh til 10.4 mph (5:45) ...which averages to 6:01.8. Stopped tm after i finished for just 30 seconds, saw pause clock running, and then ran 3.5 more mile at 7.30 and a little faster for last 0.4. Ended at 6:27 pace. Felt great. Ap 7:26. 8 miles in 59:29. Felt so good i did some squats and lunges and burpees. Seriously an old julie day running. Where have i been hiding?