Believe to Achieve

really thinking I can never take hormone replacement.  Very emotional and sad outlook on life. Third day on estrogen (yesterday was third dose) and I am a wreck.  Got pulled over on my way to the Dr. for speeding.  Sadly I recall just barely deciding to pick up my speed...and then there was a stoplight anyway so not sure why I did? Only to get pulled over.  So called Dr. office and cancelled appt.  Do not need two big bills right now.  Just need to be off estrogen right now.  Roller coaster day in moods.  Didn't take it today.  AP 7:55 and shoes did not feel comfortable at all on my joints.  Disappointing.  Still looking for perfect shoe.  :D.  First mile 9:13.  Last mile 7:12.   Ran on Murdock canal from 1100 north and went south four miles...which is just crossing over into Orem a 1/4 mile from 1600 north.

saucony fives.  do not like sayanaras.  anyway.  went to golds.  warm up 3 miles at 1% and 7:41 pace (7.8mph).  Two miles at 6:30ap (0.75 at 6:35, 0.5 at 6:31, 0.6 at 6:27 and .15 increasing to 6:15 pace).  Then 0.75 miles at 7:41, 0.5 miles at 7:35, and 0.75 miles at 7:30 with last 0.2 miles increasing to 10mph at finish slowly getting there.  AP for 7 = 7:18.

watchless.  slow.    not even remotely pushed.    course tooled my run cause I was curious...thought somewhere between 8-9.    Turned out to be 8.75.   ap???  most likely 8:30 to 8:45.  HOT (left at 9:45am) Windy.  Dealing with some stuff.  But moving forward.  

saucony fives.  I think the sayanaras are too cloppy.  ran 1 mile before power pump (7:25) with Kim.  First power pump class since late February.  Gonna be sore tomorrow...or maybe not since I talked through half of it to Jane and Kim.   Ran another mile in 7:25 after with Kim. Came home ate then headed out for two easy miles no watch.  About 8:45 pace probably.  Nice day out.  

4 miles at indoor track at pg rec. slow. legs so sore from power pump class could barely move in a running form. 26 laps. my mom walked two miles. Northern Peaks u13 won their game 4-0 in the pouring rain. it stopped raining during second half. at end pf game the team splish and splashed in the center of the field on the mud! laundry nightmare for all moms! my husband coaches this team. they are currently in first out of twelve teams in the D1 bracket. last game saturday.

ran my loop and it was nice out after rain cleared. my inner thighs were so sore i could barely move but btr than yesterday. feet feel great. ap 8:34. upper body done to even out soreness.

worked 12.5 hours and that was wnough for me. Watched Lord of the Rings numero uno with my family includong my mom. My mom retired from over ficty years of being a nurse. Her last shift was just last week. Amazing 71 and still going strong

that is it. legs still trashed from tuesdays power pump. however still did a hiit wprk out..core. ap slow. like 9plus.

brief track work.  ran to AF high school track (2.09 miles/ 8:30ap).  High schoolers out doing a class, only a few on the track. They moved to the outside of the track.  A large bump.  I don't like to be watched while running.  Embarrassing especially running speedwork.  Ran a ladder work out. Copped out when I was gonna go to 1000 meters.  Ran 200 in 43 (5:35ap) (had to slow for a group that were walking just before my finish point).  Ran 400 in 1:31.64 (0.26 miles actually on garmin, I forgot where I was when I started the 400. There are two points you could start from (5:51 pace). Ran 0.4miles (600 meters) in 2:17.72 (5:46pace). Ran 800 meters (garmin read 0.51 miles.  I ran around a guy on the track) in 3:01.47.   Ran 0.395 miles (600 meters) in 2:18.25 (5:58 pace, wow slowed a lot here). Ran 400 meters (0.25 miles) in 1:27.05 (5:48).  Ran the last 400 in 41.12 (5:29).  Jogged home 2.41 miles @ 7:50 pace.  I am struggling with depression (clinical from menopause) and it is really hard for me to handle my sadness and feelings of minimalism.  No self pride.  No joie to vive!!  It is so hard to comprehend being at this place in my mind.  I try hard every day to stay positive and have very supportive friends in Jane and Kim and Melanie.   God grant me the strength to feel the hope.  I love my children and my husband and they are worth fighting this out for.  If you have never been through a true depression THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS.  I wouldn't place this on my worst enemy.  

okay nerve pains in thighs and lower back the whole time breathing excellent just not much i can do with this ol body some days. ap 8:27 high noon start time

worked all day some despair hormones not good for me so had to come off this came on as my shift was ending

ran two miles to golds gym. ran on tm starting at 7:30 pace and upped it by 0.2 to 0.3 every mile for three miles then ran one mile starting at 6:39 and oncreasing by 0.1 every tenth of a mile til 6:03 pace so avg 6:18. ran home two miles easy pace after brief moment in spin class and then weights. cool northern peaks and la roca both advance to premier in u13 ...jane and her sister have daughters on la roca and my daughter plays for np. they won the division (np)!!! :-)

four miles at 7am easy pace...then one mile at ambers school 7:05 amber ran 7:03...one second faster than her last pr . :-)

easy miles. just trying to get my mojo back. this depression /anxiety attacks have taken my mind by surprise. i wish this upon noone except for someone who thinks "just be happy" ....but i would only want them to feel it for a half hour. not fun and completely awful. building myself back up. therapy is gardening and hardly any phone time.

easy miles around my neighborhood except I am not liking my sayanara shoes....too stiff.   Need a new pair to baby my feet again like nike did.  ap 7:49

80 degrees at the start at Cemetery fields in Orem.  Amber has soccer practice there.  It was 6:15pm when I left.  Ran up four mile into Provo canyon and back.  Wore my new shoes that I am loving.  Found them on clearance at Utah go run.  Yeehaw.  Need to buy several as I think I have found the perfect shoe for my feet and body.  AP 7:53.  

worked for a friend from 8am to 1:50pm.  No time to run as kids getting off to school and I spoil my kids by being there for them every morning and not take off running.  So love my kids!!  I love to make them lunches. I just do. Makes me feel needed.  After school (which was right after I got home from work) I helped Amber with her State (Texas) report.  Had to run to the store and get fold out poster board and glue and glue as a team.  Finished just in time for Amber to get ready for her first game at Wasatch Tournament in Kaysville.  Drove up there to meet my hubby in Draper and watched the game.  Amber played well but they lost.  Just not easy with five new players added since just this past Monday and five players she usually plays with not there.  Onward.  Wendy's for Dinner.  Just love their frosties on the dollar menu.  Perfect ending to the day with Amber.

New shoes again.  A gift to my feet.  Ran four easy miles (8:17ap) then decided to do 10 x 60 secs on/off.  I sucked but I finished without stopping.  I thought I was jogging on the offs and the paces were mostly 8-8:07.  ONS were average of 6:12.  Oh well gotta start somewhere.  My left butt bone (where you sit on) is very tender and causes a lot of sciatic pain that is just in my butt.  I feel it on every run.  It must be the muscle or bone.  Kind of there everyday. Time to go back to the chiro as it is just a continuation of the hip being out for Boston but not as bad just the butt bone.  Ap for the last 4.87 miles = 7:34.

worked all day in level two nursery. great day long and busy. came home and went to dinner with my daughter brooke to zupas then hung out in my bed woth her relaxing and talking and watchong a little soccer on tv. no run. just wherever i was needed.

surprise run. woke and texted kim. they were already driving up the canyon in prpvo to the start of the half i drove to the bottom at gas station at mouth and ranup nearly six miles and ran back down with them...five miles on the canyon highway for one then onto trail at glen canyon park. kept up with them. first tempo since well before boston. 6:45, 6:43, 6:43, 6:50 (was 6:32 til we turned onto dirt path by gas station and had to go uphill out of canyon..so 0.7 at 6:32 pace) and last mile 6:51 and 0.5 at 6:45. i felt pretty good lung and heart wise. my left butt nerve is giving me issues, like it has a vice on it. need it scraped by a specialist maybe my husband will have to do. ap for 13 miles a nice 7:27. Havent seen that ap for any of my longer runs since maybe two years. ha ha. zoloft saving my life literally. my depression is lifting. so my body is healing and i sleep better most nights.

asics gel lytes.  Gotta add these shoes to my list.  anyway ran the Run of Remembrance 5k with Amber.  She was not happy the last 1.2 miles and stopped and yelled at me like four times, first saying I can't breath (which obviously she could since she was YELLING at me) and anything positive I said she told me NOT to say anything, not to talk.  That was hard.  Then at mile two a nice older gentleman running the 10 k cheered her on (just the same way as I was) and she picked up her pace and relaxed, til he left us just after mile two as the 10k splits off.  The last mile was a MENTAL battle for me and Amber.  I knew she wasn't tired or dying she was mentally freaking out over the hill just before the finish, up to the cemetery.  She sprinted the finish at 5:51 pace for the 0.11 miles so I know she had juice left physically.    This was an honest course and Amber ran a 25:59!!  We haven't trained except she plays soccer and runs the mile each week at school with her fifth grade class with a PR there at 7:03.    If she hadn't have stopped and yelled at me four times and spent more time with her energy into the race she could have gotten the goal I set for her of 24:59 or better.  She is all smiles now and happy and forgetful of how she was to me.  I never once yelled at her.  I just encouraged her the whole way.  I am not sure if I should just let her run her own race or be there for her?  She would have stopped if I wasn't there.  Her older sisters came in at 28:50 (Brooke, 13 with her friend Brooke a three minute PR) and Courtney at 34:xx with her upper respiratory infection. She ran with my sister.  For celebration we went to three different ice cream places (the first two were closed) when we got to JCWs as the first customers of the day!!  The kids wanted shakes.  I treated and they also bought themselves fries.  I was sick to my stomach eating that for breakfast. We were there at 1030am.  I ran FIVE more miles when we first got home at 9:25am.  Ran four easy about 8:10ap with one mile at the end at 6:27!!! :D  feeling good these days and am soooo happy about that.  The only problem is the nerve in my butt.  So I really got to go to the Chiropracter.  Also, apparently I am not in menopause.  And that the steroid use for the last two years (six shots to my foot last year along with one in my back in July.  And I think about the same in 2012)  were DESTROYING my own healing mechanisms and my joints and my adrenal glands.   I no longer wake with intense bone pain that I did all last year and each month since my last shot in early November, I have felt better and better.  Hormones can be so crazy.  I also had to go on zoloft which has made a world of difference in the last 10 days.  I am writing this to hopefully let others know that depression is a real disease and it doesn't have to be like that.  It can be helped with medication, the right one and if you have the resources therapy.  I use my running as therapy along with my good friends that have been there for me.   

asics.  easy miles.  8:13 ap.  up to cedar hills and back.  peaks and valleys, as in life and in running.  lonely when my kids leave for school.  so happy when they come home.  same with hubby when he leaves for work and comes back.  crazy. crazy.  get over this.  Thankful for family!!  

worked all day.  busy.  no run.  I just can't get myself to get up and run before work anymore.  butt pain still there. argh!!!!

dropped off Brooke at school.  Anxiety attacks back.  What to do?  RUN.  Drove under a mile to canal parking lot on 1100 north and ran north on canal four miles and back.  Saw one girl I know.  Yikes Rachelle?? Janice? I think.   It was nice this am.  Cool over cast. Perfect weather.  I am downtrodden with figuring out soccer team for Amber. She is coming off Celtic Storm.  She is moving to Northern Peaks like her sisters.  I want her to be happy and improve that is all. She is a very good player.  Anyway....every decision seems hard for me.  Went to chiropracter after run.  Just butt pain, in the bone area..so hopefully not a stress fracture.    Anyway I ran and it just gets the butt muscle tight but EVERYTHING else feels so good.  AP today 7:33.  Only the last two miles felt not as easy...because butt began to hurt more and they were only 7:20 paces.  

7 up af canyon from mouth to tibble reservoir at 8:01 ap. 7 down at 6:33 ap. Crazy run. Kim and Jane always make me feel young again when we run the canyon.

worked all day on level two nursery. no run. did not sleep well.