Believe to Achieve

To in laws. Watched a very stupid movie...world war z. Cheered on new year. Bed at 0100. Startled awake on own at 520am. Did i even sleep? Didnt feel like it but did not feel tired at work...12.5 hours. Took care of first baby of new year at afh :-) fun day. Left leg/sciatic muscle tightness pretty intense...most likely from massive descent off mountain. Feet dont even hurt. No run. Happy New Year 2014! I am only on one quest in running....subthree. boston is more of a fun run . If body holds up will try for pr there. I am feeling btr but not like i used to when i should have run subthree on 2011...with mt nebo half in 1:19 and lots of miles and tough wprkouts. Going thru menpause not easy on a body. But now that i am here i hope to balance out. No more guessing what is wrong with me. Now is the time to get back and believe in myself. I am over weight for a runnner so i need a stricter healthier diet and some cross training. The gym is my means to a stronger julie. I have one more shot and i am going for it...so hoping that no disasters hallen like last two years...i just didnt realize that i was in true menopause and how the absolute zero in hormones can change a person. But i am on the up and up. I am thinking i am on the mend. I am due for improvement.

Surprised to see my good friend melanie at the gym....yay she joined too. What a fun running year this will be. :-) had no idea what to run today...thought mostly about easy jog due to lots of tightness in upper left thigh from "skiing" down lake mountain with metal shoes tuesday. But mel was so energized i felt stronger than recovery. Got on tm beside her and kept tm at 1% except the fastest mile i put at 0. Here are my increments every half mile....8:34, 8:19, 8:06, 7:53, 7:41, 730, 7:18, 7:07, 6:58, 6:48, 6:39, 6:31, 6:22, 6:15, 7:24, 7:18, 7:07, 6:58, 6:48, 6:39, then cooldown , halfmile varying speeds from 7:03 to 7:30. Ap 7:16 72:42 for 10 miles. Fun mix up run. Strength training done.

Wowza LOOK at that---over 600 miles on my RED nike flyknits without any black rubber on the outer heels since 400 miles.  I just can't afford to keep buying new shoes.  So I am making my shoes last.  I am on a quest to find the perfect shoe.  Flyknits are close but the 9.5 I got are too tight on my heel. The 10s were good (RED).  I liked the grey mix color and they only had 9.5.  I usually wear a 9.5 and the reds seemed big so I thought I could get by.  NOPE.  Anyway....today was recovery JOG day.  AND I am happy to report that I stuck to a TRUE recovery pace for 10 miles.  I ran 8:57 x 2 miles, 8:49 x 2 miles, 8:41 x 2 miles, 8:34 x 2 miles and 8:27 x 2 miles.  AP 8:42.  Ran 1 % of each 2 mile block for 1.5 miles and 3% incline for 0.5 miles of each 2 mile block.  Make sense??  Back was sore from strength training as well as inner thighs from lunges.  I can't tell if this is normal muscle/nerve pains or part of fibromyalgia ( the pain is the same, hence why I dont like to induce more pain).  I am gonna assume it is from exercise and just maybe I can trick my body.    Stretched and then headed to last part of YOGA class.  It was cooldown stretching and was perfect for me.  I am going to start going two times a week.  I need this.  So happy to have a gym close by and lots of friends to see daily.  : D. 

Met the already at 7.5 miles women at golds. I am so slow getting up these days. Had no plan. Since they were all doing 14 i thought i would at least do 12. Was fun to have everyone by me for the first 6.5 miles. Lonely thereafter. Felt much easier with everyone next to me. Kind of mental knowing they were done and in the sauna. I ran 1% incline with 4@ 7:41 pace, 4@7:35, 2@7:30 pace and last two at 0 percent, 6:55ap and 6:46 ap. Ap for 12 - 7:29. 0.37 walk /jog. First run longer than 10.5 miles since Thankful 13 half on Thanksgiving day. And First 50 mile week since two weeks before sgm. Wow. I have really cut back for myself. Not at all ready to pour it on in miles. Just gonna stick to my girlfriends for coaching at the gym. They run less than 40 MILES A WEEK and still run 2:57 marathons. They tel me i run too much. Ha ha. So gonna go the relaxed approach on this old body.

Saucony fives.  Haven't run in them for 1.5 years.  Light as a feather and  little cushion.  The first mile was a shock to my feet and legs....UMmmmm where is the cushion??  But I love that they are zero. And light.  But man I was nervous with my heel (and old lady back).  Warm up for three miles and I was ready (7.1 to 7.6 mph, upping pace every half mile til I got to three miles, 1%).  Had learned last night from Kim that the plan was 8 x 800s like two weeks ago, with 400 meter jog in between (well they don't jog in between.   I would die if I didn't).  However, today Kim and Jane were in the comfort of their own homes now that the kids are back in school and the little ones need their moms at home.  I ran beside two guys going easy.   It was nice to feel relaxed in the warmup and not by someone already running fast.  I ran the first 7 x 800s without stopping.  I paused the TM after the 7th one due to my leaking bladder once again.  The TM blanked out-- irritation so I had to totally reset the TM.  Wish I just kept going.  Ran the last one after running the 1/4 mile jog before running it.   Focus was on RELAXING during the stride...shoulders, legs, hips and feet.  Because of PF long standing I am nervous with the amount of pressure to put on my heel.  I have to mentally tell myself  I will be okay.  The PF is gone.  Instead I have in the same place a THRIVING NEUROMA--- pulsates pain,  after and sometimes during my runs.  Especially AWFUL with walking. But it isn't all the time.  Just a nerve.  Gotta get that  excised after Boston.  Take a month off before SGM and just have the surgery then.  Hope it contains itself.  And that I don't compensate and make other muscles work too hard.  So far so good.  

2 x 800 @ 6:18 pace, 2 x 800 @ 6:15, 2 x 800 @ 6:11, 1 x 800 @ 6:07,  1 x 800 @ 6:04 (0 %). 400s at 8:27 pace and 1 %incline.  Three mile warm up (24:40).  One mile cool down (7.1 mph to 7.5mph).  10 miles.   Finished up with upper body weights, a few lunges, pushups and abs.  Nothing too spectacular but I felt great after the work out. NO fatigue.  

2 % incline recovery run at Gold's.  6.7mph to 7.7mph increasing by 0.1 mph every .75 miles.  1 mile seemed too long to wait for a change.  Dripped sweat although heartrate was within normal range.  Just sooo hot in Gold's.  AP for 8 = 8:23.   THEN  POWER PUMP with the girls.  They only run a mile before and after class.  Ooooooo baby  working muscles and body parts in ways I haven't for a LONG time.  Should be pretty fit (minus my big gut) in a few months.  Seriously I look around the aerobics room and I am hefty hefty hefty compared to muscular girls around me.  I am sure they wonder how I ever can run fast with all my flab???    Someday I hope to actually look like a runner not just be a runner.  May not be able to get out of bed in the morning.  Gonna move slow.  Feel good right now.   Drinking in some whey protein shakes that I add a banana and chocolate syrup to for muscle recovery.  SOOOO yummy.  

Most likely about 10 miles of walking or more for 13 hours straight at work. Non stop action...words cant express the day i had! It was like dominoes...one fell and the rest came with it... no breakfast or lunch break. It was so fun! Ha ha. Mentally draining. No running but i will count this as mental training.

Nothing worse than waking early at 4am groggy cant fall asleep so fall asleep 15 min before alarm goes off to get high schooler up for school and make her lunch. Then get other two up. Then feel comatose from 13 hour wprk day from u know where and just feel UN motivated. Got a call from a good friend as i left for the gym. Talked in the car for 40 minutes, clock ticking motivation zero. Got in gym with frozen feet from sitting outside. Was gonna call it good and go home. But just got some motivation when i saw delightra finishi.g her work out. So ran a random sw. 2 mile wu at 8:27. (7.1) 1%. Then ran 2 x halfmarathon tempo at 6:27. One mile at 8:27. Sw at 0%. Kim had just finished spin and i chatted that mile away nicely. Then decided to run another half marathon tempo..so 2 miles x 6:35 pace. Then ran 800 at 8:27. Then finished with 1 mile at 6:20. First 0.9 at 6:22 last 0.1 at 6:15. Cooled down one mile in 8:26. 1%.

late to gym.  Took down Christmas tree decorations.  Other decorations already down.  I just love my lit up tree at night :D.  Down completely now as I write this.  Ran five miles before my first BOOT CAMP work out.  AP 7:35.  1%.  WOWZA with boot camp as it was workouts mixed with cardio incuding sprints which my nike flies have no traction so to lean over and touch the line and sprint made for some slippery running.   Was beyond a SWEATY mess.  But still got on TM after 45 minute workout and ran 5 mile cooldown.  NO MUSIC today.  Forgot my iPOD.  Kept cooldown at recovery pace-- no changing the mph at all!!  What control!!  Boring or what?  but this was good for me.  7.1mph (8:27) for five miles, 1%.  Home to clean up post decorations/vaccum and have a yummy chocolate protein shake!!  All feels well except minor pull in left hamstring on one of the sprints.  But that is because it was preceded by tons of jumping and squatting and burpees .....the list goes on.  BOOT CAMP.  YUP.  I was like the NEWBIE showing up for the ARMY.  Totally uncoordinated and silly but survived.  10 miles total running.

Ha ha zero. Golds opens too late on sat. . And i just am not into early morning runs in the cold and dark outside. In fact i havent run outside since dec 21. And before that it had been a few weeks. Work is from 6am til 715pm today. No mood for going to gym in orem that stays open later. Left hamstring and left back pain. Not bad enough to be careful so a day off good for me. Kind of lazy about mileage. Going to do the low mileage plan for boston due to old age and need for more recovery. I turn 45 on february 7 :-) wowza! With strength training i hope to be stronger. So far i only notice the miscle gains on the scale. Crud. Gotta lose weight! Anyway..onward.

Not sure why but was feeling very down last night as I was thinking and writing about Boston Marathon training last night.  I felt happy at first and then a sense of dread. I think I am worried I will be injured again...TWO years of injury and it freaks me out to take it up a notch.  Anyway woke up this morning in the same down mood so I think it is partially hormonal.  So I just put one foot in front of the other and got myself there. Saw my neighbor busting it out AGAIN on the TM.  Last time she was doing Hill work while working on her talk for church.  WOW. I cannot focus on hillwork and a talk at the same time!!  Her talk was great too.  She gave it yesterday in Sacrament.  I got yesterday off by surprise when I traded with a coworker.  I now will work tomorrow instead.  It was so nice to finally have an extra Sunday off. Working every other Sunday has been hard on me.  I want to be with my family and my kids are out of school of course on weekends.  ANYWAY  my plan today was easy 4 x 1 mile repeats.  But in my mood getting there was half the battle.  Warmed up 2 miles at 8:27 pace and slightly faster by the end of two miles and went right into work out.  Repeats were:  6:18, 6:15, 6:11, 6:11 with half mile in between at 1% incline, 8:27 pace.  SW at 0 percent cause I am wimpy Julie these days.  First three were not bad at all.  Last one tough cause usually in the past I have only done 3 repeats.  Cooled down 1 mile at 8:27 and then back to 7:47 to 8:00 pace for last 1.5 miles.  10 total.

PM:  First OUTDOOR run since December 21 Christmas Group run.  It was nice.  Went out at 510pm.  Warmer than I thought it would be.  Sun was still out for entire run.  Very pleasant EASY pace run.  8:45 AP.  Stop watch on my five mile route.  5/43:46.  This run seemed to get out the kinks :D.  

Okay so am wimpy....alarm went off at 0440. Tried to talk myself out of going to gym again. Cant seem to get there in the early hours before work. So forced myself to just do it. Stick to plan. I even had things laod out to take so i could quickly sbower and head to work. Arrived and started running at 5:02. Ran through lotty time, ha ha. No time to start jist had to hold it. That would take more time i had eaten up thi.king about coming. Ran 1 mile easy at 8:34 then increased pace over next mile to 7:24 on mile three and four, 7:18 on five and six slightly faster at end of sixth. Saw time at 5:47! Yikes. Clocked in a little late...bums me out cause i had been doing well with clocking in on time--6:03. Not bad for shower and ready for work and driving a mile to work in 15 min post run. Ap 7:39 for six miles. 6/45:48.

Not sure how I planned this so close to previous speed work out.  I should give myself a break right?  NOPE.  Ran 3 mile warmup 7-7.5 mph.  1%.  Ran 2 sets of 8x 200s. 40 sec recovery and 5 minutes recovery run in between sets. Not sure where to be at pace since I haven't visited the track in MONTHS.    And I honestly was afraid I might be flung off tm if I started too fast.  Ran 5:49 x 3, 5:45 x 3 and 5:42 x 2 (10.3 to 10.5mph).  I ran those paces for about 45 seconds.  Last one I actually hopped off and paused the TM.  My thumb was getting tired of stretching to button WHILE still holding on to TM at that pace.  I learned at that point that it was easier to just hop off at end and pause at same time.  But I only did that for the last one in the first set and the last three in the second set.  So instead of jogging those sets I waited til TM got to 30 seconds and hopped back on upping the pace to the 10.5s or whatever I was running.  It sure takes the TM a bit to get there from ZEROmph.  I would wait til it read the right speed and wait for clock to tick off 45 seconds.  Last 200s were at 5:52 x 2, 5:49 x 2, 5:45 x 2, and 5:42 x 2.  Done. Sweaty mess.  Why am I the biggest sweater in the gym???  I even think I sweat more than Rachelle!!  DRIPS!! large DRIPS of sweat!!  Crud.  Its like I am a guy or something.  Cooldown one mile at 8:00 pace 0.4 miles at 4% just for some spice :D.  Upper body weights and some abs, 30 pushups. 10, 8 6, 4, 2.  Ha ha.  8/60:58.  

0.4 miles before spin at 924 spin for 42 min. Run easy after spin1% 8:12 ap. To vegas cup soccer tournament in am or tonight if we get itching to go and stay in sg if place available at in laws.

Unplanned tempo. While driving to gym at 6am decided to run a progressive tempo. Followed it pretty much exactly as preconcieved. 2 mile warmup 8:40 ish pace. Legs a little tight from easy day not so easy due to spin class. Sbould have toned it down yesterday. Anyway...tempo...felt good aerobically the entire time. Just tightness in waist and upper legs. Tried mental tricks to make the time go by. I totally fprvot my music anx the music in gym was very soft. Chandi was on tm next to me. I could here fuzzy music thru her ipod. Mile paces were: 6:53, 6:48, 6:44, 6:39, and 6:35. One mile cooldown. Ap probably 8:35. 8/59:20. Off to vegas. Jane and her sister and a few other runners will be running long there in am. Fun ready for some warm weather. Almost there....less than an hour. Ambers first game is 530pm.

Up at 5 six utah time. Waited til 7 to drive to meet jane and jenny and angie for a jog. We headed south on the south end of las vegas blvd. 6.6 miles up. Same down. 7:55 ap.

5 out and back on Las Vegas Blvd. Easy pace. Picked it up little at mile 7 . Felt easy so at mile 8.5 i saw i was at 7:11 pace so picked it up a little for the next half mile to get under 7mm-- 6:56. Next mile saw garmin at 6:29 so held that pace for a mile and came in at 6:26 albeit with two stop lights dang. If my heel was btr , minis the protruding scar/neuroma/bone spur i would be like "game on". I adapted to tbis injury but i cant go on forever like this. Surgery to chisel it off and remove the nerve is my thoughts for full recovery. In the meantime i jave decided no more steroid shots for me. Not good for the body. AP for 10.23 miles - 7:53.

Drove back from Vegas at 330 pm Utah time yesterday.  Stopped in Cedar City for dinner and gas.  Arrived home at 945 (picked up our dog at grandpas).   I can still feel the car tires spinning with the movement in my head.  So getting on the TM was like a double whammy.  Just felt dizzy.  Heartrate higher than normal after ONE 800.  Knew this wasn't going to be the day.  I just couldn't focus on the mill.  STIMULATION overload after Vegas trip. Flashy billboards and 7 soccer games.  Just a little much for my brain.  And RUNNING is mostly MENTAL.  So despite the fact (other than heartrate) that my legs FELT awesome when I awoke I could not get my head in the game.  So just did 4 x 800s with 0.25 rest in betweeen.  1 and 2 at 6:15 pace (9.6mph), 3 and 4 at 6:10 pace (9.7mph),  Recovery at 8:34 pace 1 % .  SW at 0 percent.  ONE QUESTION I have is I think the TM I was on was faster than it was saying...it would hit a half mile at 3:00 minutes (6:00 pace) rather than 3:05 to 3:07 for 6:10 and 6:15 paces.    I watched it closely.  Decided not to think about it too much....but after upper body, core and some leg work with weights I got back on for my last two miles and ZOOM.   It felt pretty fast at 7.1 mph.  Who knows.  I think I am just dizzy from the driving.  I feel dizzy right now.   AP  7:41 for 10 miles.  

Insomnia last night even though tired. Not much sleep. Maybe two hours in a row. So no run. Just ran arpund at work for a good 7 hours straight and not as busy the last five hours of my shift but i got really tired at about 530pm. Soreness from ton o lunges yesterday kicked in ha ha

Broken sleep. More insomnia so took a little sleep aid woke up to sound of alarm too early 630am getting old to send 15 year old off to high school . So pretty much i am up every day by either 530 or 630 am. The only day i sleep til 730 am is every other sunday when i dont work. Ran recovery miles 2% for all 10. Ap 8:25. Started at 6.7mph and man alive those lunges were felt. I could barely open up my stride. Increased pace by 0.1mph every mile til the last mile. Seriously what is the deal i sweat more than anyone in the gym. No exaggeration great big drips of sweat you can wring out my shorts and fill a glass of purified julie sweat. Did upper body and some core as well.

SWEAT fest so cut this one SHORT.  Was going to run 18 and as I headed out the door I cut it to 16 and as I got doing the workout I just didn't have the need to run more.  I was so soaked that my shorts were uncomfortable.  Weight change before and after run =  3.5 POUNDS!!  and that is not including the four cups of water I drank.  Forgot water bottle so picked up a plastic cup from the front desk.  Two mile warm up (1%) 8:27 each.  Then 3 @ 6:39. (0%)  Then 1 @ 8:27 (1%), followed by 4 x 1200 @ 6:22 (0%)  with 400 recovery at 8:34 pace (1%).   1 mile at 8:30 pace (8:34 for half, 8:27 for half :D, 1%).  Tempo again with 2 @ 6:39.  One cooldown mile at 8:27.  Really could have done another mile, legs tired but okay to run more cooldown but I was really worried about my sweating amount.  I was like a rainforest. Constantly dripping off water.  Since Boston still 12 weeks a way I don't want to do anything to overtrain knowing my sad history of injury for the last two years from doing too much too soon.  Upper body sore from weights yesterday.  Not a ton but enough to feel that this work out was harder than it normally could be for me.  10/73:25.  4/30:28.  

Hi to oever reads my blog. I just cant get up before work and run outside anymore....january stump probably february too. I feel so far from who i used to be. Truth be told i am having a hard time with getting old. The mere fact of being closer to the end of my earthly existence is mind boggling. I am trying to figure out just exactly where i fit in. My past is creeping up on me...and it saddens me greatly...i look forward and for some reason i do not see brightness but old age and grandma like days with a young heart but old body. I look forward to beautiful grandkids but not me being old. It is flying by way too fast for me and i am wondering how older people make it thru? I want to be young again but that is not to be. I must pass through this life and leave my children behind and wait for them in another sphere. I know i seem gloomy and i do not know why these thoughts consume me. What will come of my posterity? How will their lives be? Have i made a difference? Am i making right choices that please my maker? When i reflect i shudder at my mistakes and actions at various points in my life. Running is my way to escape or at least it has been for the past 30 years ....only lately i have run for me without running from something which is why my mileage is not so stellar. I run if i feel like and no longer try to make a mark. It no longer matters to me. I am almost to my goal and i can move on. I cant go back to who i was. I need to accept and move forward with new adventures and challenges. I have the need to try new things , even a new job. There is so much i dont know about. I want to step outside my comfort zone and more fully reach my earthly potential. I feel lost a lot and it is hard to put in writing. Trust me all that may read this and are far younger.+the day will come that your mind will realize that this life is entirely too short anyway u slice it. Live life in goodness and compassion. I am sure thankful for families and friends to hold me up when i feel i am falling and to give me joy when we are together.

Good grief i dont think hormone replacement is for me...i am hitting rock botttom 12 days into taking estrogen and progesterone again. Bleakness, sadness, despair thoughts of meaninglessness. Not good. Now to survive coming off the right way. Feels just like postpartum depression did. So i jist put one foot in front of the other after making it thru an incredibly busy day at work saturday and almost as bad for 8 bous sunday a little better last four hours i got dressed this am and headed to the gym. Kim texted me that she was doing 10 x800s. And to gross people out on the blog and myself included kim and jane are rock stars...they start their 800s at 10.2 and do two each on up with ending at 10.6 . 10.6! And recovery is at 8.5 mph! For 400. I am blown away. Kim is talking away during her recovery. I have to say it is jane and kim keeping me going and helping me to feel a part of this world. I am having so much anxiety. Now i skipped on 800s cause i just didnt feel lkie them. I ran the following paces for each half mile of my run ...1% incline for all but paces 6:22 and under: 8:34, 8:13, 7:53, 7:35, 7:18, 7:03, 6:48, 6:35, 6:22, 6:10, 8:27, 8:06,7:47, 7:30, 7:13, 6:58, 6:44, 6:31, 6:18, 6:05(6:07 and 6:00 for quaters ) . 72:13 for 10 miles. Ap 7:13. No stops . Water bottle. Sweat. 2Chomps 15 min before workout . There is a pattern here...started tm at 7.0 moh and increased by 0.3 mph every half mile until five miles repeated same sequencefor another five miles only starting at 7.1 mph. No plan. This is all just spur of the moment. A lot of my runs are not planned out.

oooo baby the first half mile was tough at 8:27pace on the TM 1%.  I wanted to stop right then.  Just tight muscles.  Fine walking but hips in no way wanting to stretch.  I am not sore just tight.  Old lady syndrome.   Well just got thru it.  At half mile upped it to 8:12 pace and by one mile I kept it at 8:00 pace for four miles.  Then 7:47 x 1/2 mile, 7:41 x 1 mile, 7:35 x 1/2 mile and 7:03 to 7:30 for last mile (briefly at 6:31 to 6:53 pace).  1% incline for first seven.  0 percent last mile.  Very funny that 0 percent feels so much easier.  Well this RUN was the EASY part.  Off to Power Pump which today was more LIKE LUNGE HELL excuse my vocab.  YUP 20 minutes of LUNGING all types with squats.  Probably won't be able to get out of the bed in the morning.  We did walking lunges several types with heels together jumping up squats , one then the other times three or four, I can't remember.  Then a HECK of a lot more, triceps, biceps, pushups, side planks with weight lifting and ended with some good ol' ab routine.  YAH SUICIDE class.  So wish I hadn't run 8 miles before the class, by the end during triceps my arms were shaking.  VERY worried about normalcy tomorrow.  YIKES.  I think I will pass on meeting Jane and Kim at 530am.  They have never ending energy.   Oddly enough a woman in the class came up to me and said "I saw you on the treadmill running fast and then you came to this class?"  "how do you do it?"  "you have so much energy"   "do you take anything to give you so much energy"   NOPE,   NOTHING not even breakfast.  I told her she needed to come see me at night.  ZIPP-O on the the energy.  ZZzzzzzz!! :D  AP for the 8 miles =  7:53   8/63:06.

pretty much the sorest run I have ever run.  butt muscles I never knew I had were felt in the first few steps and throughout the run and my upper body was like HELLO. first UTAH outdoor run for three weeks.  NO watch, that would have been hard to see.  I could barely move.  However based off the last text to my sister and the time I got back  I am happy to report I was well under 10 minute miles : D.  Most likely 8:45 ap.  Course tooled my run.  Guessed it would be 8 but it was 8.5.  It took about 75 minutes to run so whatever that comes out to be.  I had to pee badly but I was afraid I would not be able to start up again and it was 10am so not many places to go.  Kind of uncomfortable holding those muscles as well for like three miles.  LOL.  : D.  AND the fact that I signed up for the Hale Freezes Over 5k makes it EXTRA comical of how I am going to pull off a PR.  But I got to thinking on this run ....IF my soreness is gone by then a 19:45 5K has got to be EASIER than my run TODAY.  HANDS DOWN.  So there's motivation.  

Spin class with sore legs. Yikes. Very sad today. Relivi g old wounds. January does this to me. My dad and sister passed away 32 years ago january 8. And lately i have a keen memory of the intense sorrow i felt and felt for many years. Some years i can pass by and move through it but this year has sunk me deep. We visited their graves in massachusetts last july and where we grew up. My mom and i were cryong at the graveside. It was too much emotion for me. A part of my mind i dont like opened. A flood. A piercing dagger to the insides. All that i believed and thought about was my famiky. Hence why i took down our christmas tree kn janiary 10. The lights of the tree give me hope. But a miracle today in the depths of my lowness....a call from a job for my husband. He had hree interviews and he was chosen out of many candidates. I am excited wnd so proud of him. He has hung on to me and lifted me through all these years. Almost 17 now. I am feeling the blessings of Heaven as i was unbelievably burdened. All thanks to Heavenly Father who once again let me know He is here and wont leave me. Or my famiky. So managed spin. Then gingerly jogged slow miles on the tm at 3% incline. Started with walking almost a half mile and just allowed my body to run slow. It felt relaxing. Ap 9:14.

Okay.....I should NOT experiment with hormones.  60 percent better than yesterday.  I am telling you I was in an abyss.  I   HIT ROCK BOTTOM...No one on this earth should feel like I did for several hours yesterday...crying in SPIN CLASS???? despair. you name it.  HOPE-less.  I had come off estrogen and progeterone saturday as directed but I was also put on testosterone last tuesday.  I didn't feel good about the testosterone my dr. gave me cause my level was low...my dose too was low...I started it last Tuesday--a week ago.  Every day since then my outlook on life dwindled and I was dizzy with a headache.  I stopped taking it also on Friday (last dose so four doses).  So instead I decided to take the precursor hormone to estrogen and testosterone called DHEA (which my body is super low level of and it is the most abundant steroid in the human body).  APPARENTLY my body operates on low levels be it low number of binding sites or whatever my body/brain doesn't like it.  I took the DHEA 25 mg tuesday and wednesday. DID not sleep either night normally at all.  In fact Thursday morning I was up at 0200 for two hours putting away dishes and making my kids lunches after I had slept just two hours.  BING.  I was awake. BRAIN just super wigged out.  So as the scientist I like to think I am I run tests on myself and NOT rats.  Should have looked at some Rat studies.  Some people do not have the right receptor sites for two types of estrogen, alpha and beta.  The rats given estrogen and progeterone  WIGGED out.  They couldn't pass the swim test.  Whatever that is.  I suspect that they are put by water with cheese on the other side LOL.  Okay so DHEA 25 mg is fives times the dose I have tried...but I decided I was being wimpy...the dr. wanted me on 25 mg to get my level up.  WELL I guess I just proved myself right and the Dr. wrong.  I KNOW WHAT MY BODY can handle.  I am telling you I have been to the bottom and back...and I still feel somewhat in doubt of myself and all I stand for...but I am getting back to ME.  No more hormones for me.  I will take PHYSICAL pain over the DESPAIR  anyday.   So if I can help anyone at all I would like to.   It is not how we are supposed to feel.  SO on to FINDING JOY IN THIS LIFE.  GRATITUDE DAY #1  I am thankful for FRIENDS that listen friends that LIFT friends that take the time to KNOW me.  AND I am thankful for MY DEAR LITTLE FAMILY-- TROY my husband, strong in the Gospel and strong dealing with me :D.  Courtney Brooke and Amber my beautiful children living good lives and learning every day to be happy.  RUN today:   STILL SORE.  Seriously funny to be this sore in muscles I apparently never use...so this should be good right?? I should have some glutes forming now.  Ran 7mph(8:34)2 miles, 7.2 (8:19)mph for 2 miles, 7.4 (8:06) x 2 miles then on/offs x 10 for 0.1 miles each (basically some strides) 6:18, 2 x 6:15,  2 x 6:10, 2 x 6:07, 1 x 6:03, 1 x 6:00. SW at 0 percent.  All other miles 1 %.  I was laughing at myself during the strides and seriuosly thought maybe I shold run them??? MY MUSCLES WERE SORE/TIGHT in my butt and thighs.  AP for 8 miles = 7:59.