Believe to Achieve

I am pretty sure my anxiety level is at 90 %.  With work, competition soccer (blow ups in games, yup I can do that), menopause and NO sleep...I am a real head case.  Some level is WAY off cause I cannot slow down my brain!! and I don't even drink caffeine!!   No run.  Worked from 6am to 645pm. Brooke's 14th Birthday.  She had her 5 hour party last Friday.  And Troy took her to lunch at Kneaders during school lunch and I took her dinner at Costa Vida.  What a fun girl!!  I am alternating between running a five hour martathon (my sisters second marathon, last one 2006 and first st george) and gunning it from the start.  Hmmm.....this seems like a no brainer to the average person...a leisurely stroll would be heavenly.  : D  Wish I could be two places at once.  

Easy pace no watch.  Did my usual route.  Most likely 8:30 ap.  

Despite the support and some good workouts I knew 100 percent the morning of that sub three was not in the stars.  But it didn't really bother me.  What bothered me was the pressure that others thought I would.   Now it is possible if I had slept the last three weeks and didn't have anxiety/depression (major depression)but with limited brain power on a somewhat showing up to the plate body I was not able to handle the pressure.  Top that off with an 8 hour drive to St George on Friday with probably 3.5 hours sleep Thursday night despite taking ambien.  Yup ambien was all I had (from mother in law). I have taken four other times in my life. And I have no idea why I thought it would work but when you are desperate to sleep you will try something.  All it left me with on Friday's drive was a overstimulated, sleepless brain.  But I wasn't thinking much about the race.  No strategy.  Just run when the gun goes off.  Well after 11 stops on our way to St George (pee stops, picking people up along the way, visiting a sick family member of Kim's -we ran in her honor with a Tough Tif wrist band, subway to eat, expo, tj maxx, costco)  we arrived at our destination at 620pm ( I was picked up at 9:40 am by Kim).  I had a terrific migraine from lack of sleep and sun beating on me thru window.  I was laughing at myself inside.  I was calm about it all until 9pm and I knew for sure I would not be able to unwind  on a couch next to Jane who said she never has problems sleeping.  So I asked her to drive me four miles down the street to my in laws trailer.  No one was there and I needed to block out the loud noises and lights.  Now if you have never gone over a week without more than 3-4 hours of sleep per night (really two weeks for me) you wouldn't understand this overstimulation.  It was a major factor to my performance but there is nothing short of a tranquilizer that would knock me out.  I gave two of the three ambien I had to Kim and Stacy.  It works for them.  And I tried to think happy thoughts that in a controlled environment it would work for me.  NOPE it back fired.  I woke 1.5 hours after taking it, bright eyed and bushy tailed.  Not cool.  I knew it was my choice to take it but I just had no other hope at the moment.  My script for xanax ran out two weeks ago.  No refils and the Dr. wanted to see me first. Good man.  I had that script for a while, like two years.  Oh well.   It is magic to my brain.    This is in no way a pity party for myself.  I find it all kind of humorous...the 8 hour drive with good friends was like our long runs....stopping 10-11 times is normal for us.  He he.  It was pretty much like that but in a car.  More like a Ragnar Relay.  Fast forward to race morning and I am all ready but my mind is firing at too fast a rate but I just decide there is nothing I can do now.  Well the race starts 17 minutes late.  My garmin has us taking off at 7:02.  Wow. The cold wind froze Melanie but I was surprisingly not affected.  Hence why after the first mile I threw off my gloves and took off my shirt and never once felt cold the remainder of the race.  

Okay....gun goes off and I am with Kim (hurt hamstring so taking it easy, she usually runs subthree).  Jane and Melanie take off together to get subthree and more.  I told Jane last night to go for 2:52 cause that is what Amber Green got in 2010 on way less fast training and Jane is FAST.  She didn't believe me and said she was only going for a 2:57.  (she ran 2:53 and came in 8th!!!).  Melanie came in at 2:55 and Julie Esplin at 2:56!!  So awesome. So happy for them.  Truly what an accomplishment!! I love it.   Amber Green came in first with 2:43 and Marcie third with her first under 2:50---2:49!!  Amazingly cool!!  Arianne came in sixth or fifth with 2:52 and Angie came in forth with 2:51.  So fun to see their smiles lined up!!  

I felt great first 7 miles.  And I don't know what happened other than my low iron showing its face on the uphill.  Looking back I should have gone slower just to compensate for the low iron but I wasn't too fast...I was at 1:34:19 at the half.  I wasn't breathing hard, I was mentally not willing to fight.   For those of you who know or read my blog..I have been in a real depression...dark depression...one that you question your beliefs and your own being and pretty much demoralize yourself with constant negativity about yourself.  I tried two antidepressants and I would stop before I could see if they worked.  Running was pretty much forced every single run.  If I felt any high it was fleeting, very fleeting. Scary to me cause running used to keep me from this darkness and now I didn't have an escape.  I share this not that you will say "she is crazy" or that "too bad for her" but to share to you that depression is real.  It is a real disease that if you have never experienced it thank your lucky stars because I guarantee depression is probably the worst battle to fight.  Cause a happy person can overcome missing limbs or burned up body or dying..but a depressed person is in a pit of despair.  Now I climbed out every day I had those thoughts and each day I felt  that maybe I was getting better....and I have been....I feel weaker now than I was having gone thru this (again, 13, 16 and postpartum at 34), like I lost part of myself....so now that this marathon is behind me I can work on treating my depression.  The marathon healed me in ways to.   After mile 18 I thought hard about what was going on with me....I wanted to stop.  But  I was only wanting to stop because I was not willing to work for the PR.  At mile 18 if I had just run 7:15s I would have another 3:07....but hey I have two 3:07....That means I would have to run faster and my mind and body (left piriformis seized up, icy hot stops x 2 but I didn't care) was not in it.  So I said "why do I need to PR?"   "I need to finish feeling good about myself and seeing this race for what it is"  Another miracle that I can run that I haven't completely taken myself out of who I am.  I need to finish happy.  So at mile 19 I stopped for some icy hot and high fived all the spectators from then on out. Smiled. Sang to my music on my ipod, obnoxiously.   Cheered for people passing me.  Even danced.  Can't wait to see the pictures of me on the course.  I even cheered those falling behind or sitting on the ground giving up like  I wanted to.  I knew then I would make it to the finish. I wasn't going to ask for a ride there.  I held up my hands to show for my 10 years!!  people were pumped and I think finally glad to see someone smiling running instead of looking like they were not enjoying the race at all.  That is what I wanted.  Running is supposed to be fun!!  It is body, mind and spirit moving through space.  I just love when I realize this!!  And I thoroughly enjoyed my last 8 miles.  Of course at mile 26 I realized I better be somewhat competitive with myself....the clock was nearing 3:12....so  I sprinted the last home stretch (well 6:46 was a sprint for me Saturday) and got in at 3:11:52.  What a day!!  Stayed til about 1230 for Jane's award then I went back to my in laws.  The girls picked me up at 415pm and we headed for home stopping only twice on the way back!!! ha ha.  Once in St George to eat.  Came in fifth in my age category.  54 th woman.  Done and over with.  10 years.  Wow. Lots of ups and downs in life and on that course!!  Moving forward!!  

Splits for fun: 1- 6:56  2- 7:21 3- 6:57  4- 6:55  5- 6:55  6-7:02 (yikes, really a 6:17 mile here as we stopped in porta potty for 45 seconds, oops), 7- 6:47, 7:50 (staying with 3:05 pacer), 7:14, 7:13,  11- 7:38  12-7:17 (McKenzie mile :D),  7:04,  7:08, 6:58 (mind not into it at all felt very depressed, ambien???), 6:54, 7:14, 7:18, 19- 8:07 (icy hot stop and epiphany to I just don't care to work hard), 7:26, 7:32, 7:36, 7:25, 7:13 (the crowd got me going a little faster, high fiving all the kids, so fun), 7:49 (I could pick it up I told myself but I was feeling like jogging was good enough, I didn't think running fast was my purpose today, just enjoying the course the last two miles, I knew the finish line would come soon enough, just soak it in), 7:55...wow, I thought, I really did slow down,....the clock reads 3:10:59 at last 0.2 and I am not even trying...so I decide to pick it up to race pace LOL....6:46 for last 0.27 miles.  Another 3:11 (2009). Sweet!!    Ten YEAR review--- First marathon 1995 St George--3:35:04 (qualified for 100th Boston Marathon and ran it :D), 2:  2006 (married had three kids, time to get back into shape gained like 20 pounds)--3:46.  2007--3:41  2008--TIME TO BREAK THE 3:30 BARRIER--3:26   2009--3:11:40  2010-- VERY low iron (5) 3:18.   2011:  bionic year I ran like a crazy woman, 1:19 half marathon, over trained and missed the subthree by throwing a fit at mile 19 ha ha  3:08,  2012--plantar fascitis 3:07:18,  2013--plantar fascitis 3:07:11    2014--major depression (menopause induced)--3:11:52.  Karate chop!!  When I called my husband he said, "don't worry we will all come down next year and watch you run the subthree". What a nice guy!!  If my mind heals then  I will. So glad to finally get the treatment I need.  Couldn't bring myself to change things before the marathon.  Have a great week everyone!!  General Conference was very uplifting to be home on Sunday and watch it with my family!!  Wow I was in st goerge for less than 24 hours!!!  22 to be exact.  Gotta love good Friends!! :D.    We never stopped chatting.