Believe to Achieve

no garmin.  stop watch varied route.  just course tooled it.  Thought I was running recovery pace.  felt it.  AP 8:15.  : D.  NICE.  7 miles.  Went to Dr. today...again...menopause confirmed.  Started hormone replacement.  also have referral to rheumatologist.  however I wonder if no estrogen or progesterone is the reason for all...sleepless, depressed, joint pain, pain, night sweats...just not feeling right.  Celebrex has helped a lot but estrogen and progesterone might be the bionic power I need!!  : D.

Easy pace before work. 8:20.

8 pace in high winds cool air. Sg is gonna be cold.

Slept only from 1130 to 430 then broken sleep til 625. Up for kids then moms and muffins with amber at 730. Then back in bed at 810 for 1 hr 20 min. Took a lortab at 10 pm then 1/4 xanax ...to sleep. So woke zombie like hence the nap. Picked up katie after courtney at high school. Left orem at 1224. Ate 3/4 apple strudle muffin. Then at 1130 had cinnaomon raisin bagel with cream cheese. Cottage cheese and oj. Driving currently with katie driving after i drove to beaver exit. Pee d a lot there.feel good. Better than before any marathon. No pain. Just have to pee a lot. It is cold out. No running. Saving myself for tmr. Hoping to pr. U just never know. I feel so good that i sbould but i have not done near as much training. Three long runs. 22 hope to hobble last sat in august, 16.5 walked 1.5 disaster the next week and an 18 miler slow with last four at 6:46 ap. Then three milers times four and last weeks 13 @ 6:36. Going by feel.

So after last weeks surprising run down AF canyon and a short tempo Monday I was hopeful I could get under 3:14 for sure.  I even thought a PR was possible but honestly my miles have been short (for me) and painful.  Since my blog is NOW OPEN go ahead and read back from April on---Okay you will get the drift from beginning of August on.  It has been the hardest Summer of my life since I suffered a major depressive episode when I was 17 that lasted a year after losing my father and sister in car accidents followed by my brother three years later also killed in a car accident.  My depression this time was due to physical pain.  What started out as plantar fascitis grew to envelope my hips, knees and ankle joints, also plagues of chronic fatigue, headaches and nausea.  I honestly could not make sense of it only knowing that after I was very ill in April just before the Thanksgiving point half, about that time all of my joints and tendons were hurting more and more.  Something seemed to be attacking my body.  After numerous Dr. visits I have one diagnosis under control -- hemochromatosis (iron storage disease) and waiting for official diagnosis-- autoimmune seronegative joint disease.  It is so hard to look in the mirror and think "I look normal" but then to struggle to get out of the bed in the morning.  All summer I got out of bed walking like a mummy.  Most mornings scared to get out of bed.  I couldn't believe this was going to be "me" for the rest of my life.  Miraculously after some strict diet changes, and celebrex and one last steroid injection in my flaming heel (not plantar) just part of the joint disease I came up on top just ONE week before SG.  My training has all been forced.  None of it felt fun until last Saturday (week before SG) when I ran with Jane and Kim for the first time.  We ran down AF canyon fast.  It was cold and that is what my joints liked.  I think the very humid summer had something to do with the continual flare all summer.  Anyway what I am getting at is truly ST george marathon # 9 was a MIRACLE for me.  This is the first race I cried at.  Yes, MILE 24 I was crying and smiling.  I was so glad to be there and not be back in bed, lying flat wondering how to get out of bed.  It was THAT bad.  I prayed a lot.  I had miracles happen through wonderful friends that care so much for me.  Simply wonderful.   I wasn't in top form at the starting line I wanted to stop at mile one.  Very serious.  I knew it was going to be tough for me to battle my fear of doing damage beyond repair with overdoing it on an already stressed body.  Every step was cautious...til the final two miles where I just allowed myself to smile and cry.    I started behind the elite corral even though I was allowed there.  I started with Jane (three months post partum) and our plan was to have fun.  We only ran 9 miles together (as she had very bad GI issues) and I was sad without her until I realized  I wasn't going to see her.  I had to just run.  Here are my splits (just before being picked up by Jane I wrote some goal of 3:06:30 on the back of a cliff pace band, using the sg pace calculator, parenthesis are calculator, I only looked at them occasionally and gave up on it after 12 miles):

1st Half 1:35:48 :  2nd Half  1:31:23  (4 min 23 second negative split : D)

7:27 (7:10)  never good to start behind by 1.5 minutes, we burned a lot of energy just to get this 7:27 moving around a huge crowd.

7:24 (7:19)  Really not wanting to run.  I can feel every crevice on the road with my foot joints.  My shoes have 350 miles on them but I was too worried to get new ones just before a race.  Nike Flyknit.  They have helped me not pronate but cushion on forefoot is next to nil with all tread worn away.  CRUD.

7:00 (7:06)

6:56 (7:02)

7:07 (7:09)

6:53 (6:52)

6:52 (6:52)

8:11 (7:40)  Garmin downloaded showed my time as 3:06:40 for moving time so YUP a 32 second porta potty break.  I needed to go but could have held it.  Jane really needed to go and I didn't want to lose her.  She ended up stopping again in two miles and we never saw each other again.  She stopped 11 TIMES!! POOR girl.  Other wise she felt great.  Pretty awesome shape post baby!!  FYI don't stop just before VEYO  really really sucky to come out of port a potty and see my pace at 12 mm and have to climb veyo and watch it move slowly back to pace.

7:24 (7:28)

7:21 (7:27)  Bye Jane.  I told her what splits to hit and that we could do it.  We can!!

7:39 (7:39)  My butt is NUMB!!!  I wore my skirt that has shorts underneath that DON'T breath well so all my sweat pulls in my backside and the windchill froze my butt.  My IT band on left leg is really bugging.  Probably from the frozen butt muscles.  I try massaging while running and some kick backs.  No over reacting.  Just stay calm.  I wore a fueling belt so I should have worn regular shorts.  I wore the skirt cause it has one awesome pocket to hold lots of gu but I have lost weight and the skirt was falling down with all the gus so I had to use the belt.  Wish I thought to just wear my shorts.  Definitely a factor in my ability today. Sounds crazy if sweat doesn't whisk away it just adds to the problem of overheating/cooling.  But I definitely just didn't let myself think too long about it cause can't do anything about it in the middle of the race :D.

7:25 (7:18)

7:11 (7:07)

7:13 (7:13)

6:48 (6:51)  IT was here that I thought absolutely NO way.  I just couldn't run fast down hill.  IT was here that I regretted last weeks fast 12 miler at 6:36.  I thought I was toast.  I thought I was going to HIT a big wall.  I tried my best to just put one foot in front of the other. Celebrex not working.  My pelvic joints were on fire.

6:51 (6:41) definitely thought I was in trouble since 6:51 was all I could do on a steep down hill.  But my joints and hamstring nerve pains were just not allowing me.  Memories of mile 19 coming on strong.  HOLD IT TOGETHER.

6:53 (6:59)

7:01 (6:59)

7:17 (7:16)

7:06 (7:02)

6:49 (6:39)

6:59 (7:09)

6:46 (6:48)

6:53 (6:56)

7:07 (7:05) thought last six were under 7....guess not.  Bummer.

6:58 (7:10)  See my watch at mile to go sign at 3:00 even.  Told myself I got this.  Not sure where I ran bad tangents, my watch after mile 15 was reading early.  I may not have seen the seconds after 3:00 so maybe I was just delusional....but I ran ...

6:43 pace for 0.25 miles....yup darn bad tangents...but 0.05 isn't as bad as 0.27 miles over at Boston : D.   I honestly thought I had the 3:06 based off the 3:00 on my watch....or I really would have pushed harder.  I had it in me.  I was elated.  I was smiling and I was totally focused but I didn't realize I was 0.05 off the mark so I needed to push harder instead of cruising in.  Seriously I just needed an APRIL moment.  Darn it all!!   Another 3:07....a SEVEN second PR.  14 seconds faster and I would have been forth in my division.  1 minute 12 seconds faster and I would have a COMPED entry into the SG marathon next year.  Love when I read this AFTER the race.    :D.  BUT I have to have a reality check.... IT WAS  A bad YEAR.  I haven't raced since April !!  Not one race.  I did take on one pacing gig accidentally three weeks ago for the Spanish Fork Half .  Somehow I was put on the roster.  I showed up and did it.  With too much time to spare.  I hadn't done any pace work for months.  So I had no idea.  Anyway....I am trying not to be hard on myself.  I was in no shape to run this well.  It was a MIRACLE.  AND the biggest miracle for my running career is YET to happen.  SUBTHREE BABY!! SG MARATHON NUMBER 10 at  45!!!  For now it is five weeks off from running.  Happy FALL!!

Nothing. Drove home yesterday between conferences. Listedned to conference on drive home with sister and courtney, my daughter. Lots of reflection. Wow i am hard on myself.....like i trained hard or something...i think because is my ninth year, eighth in a row i am in a rut with some same feelings.....and getting older makes my goal harder to imagine...being injured and sick all summer also a double whammy...depression hurts. Anyway...here are my sg times from 1995 then ten years off and 2006 to 2013....3:35:34, 3:46:33, 3:41:03, 3:26:30, 3:11:40, 3:18:03, 3:08:43, 3:07:18, and 3:07:11. Ta dah. This last one was the easiest physically but harder mentally. Once i realized there was no wall and it wss all in my hewd i could move faster. I have been depressed and not seeing things as clear so i get emotional easily. I cried at mile 24. I have never done that in a race. I really am so thankful i qs able to run. However i am bummed i didnt sprint a 6mm pace for that0.25 miles. It would have put me under 3:07 :-) as it takes 1:30 for 0.25 and i rwn a 6:43 which takes 1:41:14 seconds to run. Ha ha. And i had been doing that exact pace for pickups for 0.1 miles x 12 twice befor the race. Like i said in my race report i thought i had it. I was surprised to see my watch read over 3:07...live and learn.

Wow. Hit bottom post marathon depression. Feeling a bit better. Feeling sorry for nit being the best i could be for my friends. But since i am pulling out of it i am determined to enjoy my time off and get back to training n november. I look forward to training with april via blog. Her goal more lofty at boston.subthree...i am just going for a pr. I think i can do it. I feel btr on new ground. And flat courses suit me better than sg. It will be a fun journey.

Nothing but hanging with my hubby and kids :D.  Went to jamba juice and had a very yummy PUMPKIN smoothie with spices :D YUM.    Two soccer games and a movie with Troy and Amber -- Enchanted. Again.  Amber's choice.  Cute though.

Coming out of depression more and more....mostly over worry that even after taking time off my body won't be better.  Stopped taking celebrex and morning stiffness coming back.  Argh.  Antiinflammatories long term are not the best so I come off them for a few days.  Today is first day of fall break.  Fun things planned.  First breakfast at Kneaders with the family.  Amber really wanted to go back for lunch there too. Maybe we will do that :D .    Seriously looking back at how pathetic my summer was physically SG number nine was a miracle.  After being CASTED in early August, four days after removal painfully running a marathon cause I signed up---not racing it---just jogged it (3:41), took another week off after that cause wow it was like running my first marathon, then running hope to hobble with the gang two weeks after that and seriously was in so much joint pain coming down the other side I was just glad to be getting it done and enjoying the view, a week later I attempted an 18 miler with Carina.  Ended up crying by mile 9 turn around.  I could not make myself run downhill from the joint pain everywhere, not to mention all the itching I was doing from the swimmer's itch I contrated one day before hope to hobble.  Nice to know I had a parasite dying in my skin.  STILL have spotted scars on my arms and belly.  I walked 1.5 miles at 23 minute pace.  VERY DEPRESSED. Ran 16.5.  The next week I was accidentally put on roster for Spanish Fork Half.  I was freaking scared.  I hadn't run a 7:38 pace on any of my runs since mid July.  That morning I ran around my cul-de-sac to get to that pace on my garmin and it was not easy. Said a prayer and went to the starting line.  After three miles I eased into pace and held on and with watch dying I ended up 2.75 minutes under pace.  OOOoops. But great for me cause I felt like a runner again.  The next week I ran my only true long run of 18 miles (hope to hobble is slow and on trail).  This is two weeks before SG.  I was in absolutely loneliness and it felt like so hard I wanted to quit.  I made it to 14 and did the planned sub 7 for four at 6:46.  Not sure how I did it.  AP was only 7:59 for entire run.  The next week I ran with Kim and Jane for the first time and months.  I just stuck with Jane and we stopped five times I think (not easy for me to get back to pace with lots of stops) but we had an ap of 6:36.  That is the extent of my training.  Only one week at 58 miles, one other in 55, and the rest in 40s.  I just know I can break 3 hours when my body is responsive.  So right now it is time for me to rest from training.  No running three weeks then jogs without watch for two more (after reading article Christie posted to my blog).   Time now to hang with family and work on other talents  :D  Five weeks of whatever else I want.  OFF to Kneaders.

13 hour time and a half shift. Yup called into work at beginning of shift. Busy all day. Dealing with depression feelings. Not sure why? Usual things not as fun for me. Go long periods without being hungry and dont eat. Seriously wondering if i need antidepressants. Weird. Menopausal darkness. Dont worry i try hard to think myself through the melancholy feelings....pit in stomach and anxiety. Not my usual self. Just need to be home more with kids. And hubby. So i am. Hope it is okay to share these feelings...i absolutely to not want to depress someone. I am just not sure why? I worry i wont be able to exercise/run as my pelvis creaks and my foot ached by end of shift but not bad just enough to give me anxiety. I can fight this . Part of it is that four days before sg i started on hormone replacement of estrogen and progesterone. My levels were almost zero....i not sure if helping..no night sweats but this depressio.. i had it a bit becofore taking. So who knows?

Post awful sumer and marathon depression too much for me and the roads were calling my name....i ran my five mile loop no watch or garmin or knowledve of time i left or got back. No need for a watch. Just a need for a run. Hamstrings only problem. But not that big. So kept it so nice and easy. Honestly have no idea of pa e whatsoever. Lost in my thoughts and the beautiful chilly air. No worries no plans to go all out just run when i need i it.

Guessing on mileage based off similar old routes...but i took and extended and detoured wherever...some grass, some trail some sight seeing. Symphsis pubis and hamstrings just the niggles... burning pain in both areas after five or six miles.lots of vitamins but need to get glucosamine. Sorry i decided i had to get out cause i love fall running...simply so much nicer to me than summer. Winter will be another story. But sure love the leaves on the ground right now. No pace knowledge. Watchless for the next two to three months. Ahh so liberating :-) i work next two days so nothing planned but that and activity days wednesday night. No mileave concerns just mental well being runs. Nothing forced out of obligation . All for the love of running. Hopefully i can run with some friends but dont want to slow anyone down.

Work. Yup no workouts. No time with 13 hour shift and just doing what i feel like. The old lazy me :-)

Work. Soooo busy today. Student with me for 10 hours. Teaching for 10 hours and working. Wow. I am pretty sure i am gaining weight on this low key moment for me.

Course tooled route after i ran. No idea pace. Probably 820 to 8:30. Just a guess. Pelvis and hamstrings....just need more easy time. Neurologist...not good. Not going to get into it. Lers just say she was more a pychologist than her neurologist schooling.

So ran with stopwatch as I had to be back by exactly 9:20 to go and pick up my sister's daughter from my daughters Junior High CTE class (she is 5 years old and the jr high has them come to learn how to care for kids :D).  She was there an hour.  I had picked her up with My Brooke at 7:50am and brought her to her school.  I got back and ready to run and out the door at 8:40 and some seconds...crud...not much time for many miles I thought....but after feeling quicker than usual in the first few minutes and a frustrating Dr. visit yesterday that left me sleepless last night....pondering many things...I just picked it up after a half mile and decided to run by feel my five miler at a brisk pace. This five miler of  mine is HILLY!!! Oh my.  But I felt strong and nothing was hurting.  I guess two weeks is my body's time post marathon.  The last four miles were done in 27:07.  My last mile (I know where it is from other times I have run this run with a garmin) was a 6:34 :D .  Felt really good.  AP for last four miles with significant hillage-- 6:46.  First mile 7:50.  I think I will run with a watch once a week just to test myself.  I think I am coming back from the dead.  I SOOOOO LOVE FALL.  I was remembering on my drive home from taking Emmy back to her kindergarten....that during the SG marathon I had on my ear phones from mile 13 to 26.25....At mile 24 ....a song came on that just really made me believe in myself.. It is a church song calle "You are a Light on a Hill".  It is powerful and it lifted me from the sadness I was in at that point in the race wondering why this year was so LONG and tough and PAINFUL....I BEGAN TO SING....YUP  I was singing.....and LOUDLY too.  Ha Ha probably caused me those 11 seconds for a 3:06...but you know what ??? I felt amazing and happy for being where I was at that moment.  MIRACLE!!!

A guess in milage. Ran before work. 64ish minutes. Bummer had to bring stopwatch so i didnt get lost in the no time zone and forget to be to work on time. Left for run at 440am. Cant sleep.  Course tooled it on Monday--7.75 miles.  8:21 pace.  Wow thought I was slow.

Good ol' course tool.  Left on this run watchless and no idea when I left...well sometime between 8:15 and 8:50???  I just don't remember.  Serious early alzheimers disease.  My memory is going fast.  I used to remember things well.  So strange to be going through this memory lapse.  I honestly thought this run would be under 8 miles.  I just ran at a slow easy whatever pace.  9.13 miles course tooled.  Very baffled.  I must have spaced off.  It was a lonely contemplative run.  No pain but heavy legs.

Ran to af track with pink eye and a headache and body aches...three weeks ago the 10 days before sg marathon brooke had pneumonia...fever for 10 days....she was weak when i left for sg but on the mend. When i got back amber got an unstoppable cough that dr felt was pertusis or mycoplasma bacteria...put on antibiotic and gradually over last six days her cough is slowly diminishing..her sinuses were draining like mad. Also went to dr and all in office oncluding the dr were sick with this bad cold....me? Surrounded by even more patients sick and some coworkers....not a single symptom. Now pink (ponk) eye. So more bacteria.tried some sw at the track. Not feeling it. 200....41, 400- 89 200- 43 200 --43 400 88

At work at uv nicu. No exercise. Just hanging with cutie pies all day.

Insomnia! Oh well still met kim and jane...and a nice surprise melanieb. :-) jane and i tried to keep up. Overall a minute back....we stopped once at eternal fountain. . 10 minutes for all of us to potty. Brrr....are sweat began to freeze. Hard to start up again but legs awakened at mile 6. This was an out and back with some good hills. Cold air kept muscles stiff for most of run..most likely just me out of shape. Ha ha. Last mile 6:34. Ap 7:09. Pretty much mp tempo ha...first four miles were 7:27 avg pace according to jane. I wore my stop watch . Glad i didnt see pace.

5.12  (red nikes)miles on not much sleep. I keep waking at three am. Decided to run then an hour later. Nice and easy my five mile route. Started stop watch in house and left watch home. Ran easy. Stopped watch when back. Ha ha. Since i know it is 5.12 i ran 8:21 pace. Felt really easy compared to yesterday. I wanted to see if o could guess my pace. I thought i was doing about 8:25 to 8:30. So close.

check out the sleeping hours.  MASSIVE INSOMNIA.  I finally decided to fill my ambien prescription from the summer.  Didn't work the other two times I tried over the years. Wishful thinking.  I was awake and coherent to my 10 year old daughter 1.5 hours after I took it.  I told Amber I was taking it and she was to take "notes" if I did anything weird.  We were in my bed watching mindless tv.  Drifted off after 10 woke at 0100.  Took another half a pill (total one 10 mg) and slept only an hour.  Laid in bed and decided to text some running friends to see if they would run with me.  I wasted time to 7:20 wondering if I should run on NO good quality sleep in over a week.   I can't believe this. Thought hormone replacement would help me sleep bettter but it is having opposite effect.  Making me very HIGH strong and weirded out.  Have a thirteen year old daughter's party to watch over til 11pm but may just last til 9pm and let my hubby take over as I hopefully crash tonight for like 16 hours please!!! Anyway did just go out and run at 7:20am and ran up 1100 North in PG to Canal trail (murdock) and ran North. A guy passed me going quickly so woke me up and I decided to try and hang with him...by that decision he was already 20 seconds ahead.  He managed to stay that way for the three miles I trailed him.  Didn't have garmin but did have stop watch.  It was probably about 6:50 pace for three miles then I was like HELLO I need to just run easy which I think was about 7:40ish pace.  I also picked it up for my last mile and since I had my stopwatch and know where the mile to go to my house point is I ran it in 6:38.  AP for run 7:33 (10.28 miles per course tool).   Then it was on to Brooke's last tournament game. They won 5-1.  They won all but onebeing a tie in their season games. They finished their Division 2 season in 1st!! and move on to Division 1 automatically.  : D.  Troy (my husband) is the coach.   Amber's Celtic team has had a rough go.  They lost their last game.  But Amber played hard.  It is fun to watch them play soccer D:  BUT it drains me of all remaining, if any adrenaline, because I am super competitive in game sports.  Not so much in running except against myself...hence why I like running-- ME against the clock,, if I happen to pass people along the way  that is fine..but it is not my goal.  I  like to win master's but it is usually a win because the speedier gals didn't show up.    Just want the marathon PR.  Subthree someday.

8:10 ap *red nikes, easy pace run in the fall , leaves all around.  first mile over 9ish pace. super windy but surprisingly warm. Troy was on his way out when I got back. He was all bundled.  Tried to tell him.  He was bracing himself for the wind but it was a pleasant wind. ran without garmin.  course tool and stop watch.  halloween train tonight  : D  family home evening fun.

okay,,, course tool runs are funny...I always think I ran shorter.  apparently running here and there and not knowing really how far, except when I run a loop I know some of the miles but most today I did not.  I ran all over the place up and down many streets by me looking at decorations and feeling the leaves at my feet and loving the NO pain running.  Oh don't get me wrong my PF likes to remind me it could flare if I wasn't careful BUT I am.  It is the NIKE lunarfly flyknits that are saving my feet and preventing pronation.   But honestly whole of run PAIN FREE.  I concentrated on form and push off, finally letting my right foot push off instead of a gimp foot gait.  Well, basically I thought I ran possibly 8.5 miles.  Ended up 9 even.  AP 7:56.  All felt easy, like 9 pace.  EXCEPT for the one fast mile I put in...I knew that mile so I just put it in there in case I decided to veer off another direction like I had been doing.  This mile was a rolling hill mile.  Probably 60 percent down 40 % up.  6:25 for the mile.  Now I thought I was running easy and it felt it but I suppose I better bring these easy paces in to the high 8s.  Anyone want to tame me???  btw night time sleep still horrendous.  : (((  argh. I used to fall asleep so easily.  Now I wake too often at night.  Hopefully tonight I do.  Sunday night I slept 8 hours.  It was heavenly.  Same for Saturday night.  But that was with a medication to help with sleep.  Not ambien.  NOT effective on me. I took a 1/4 of the sleep aid last night and it only worked for five hours and I awoke like I didn't sleep well. AND since  I don't want to get dependent on it ,   I am going to try the cherry juice concentrate again-- highest natural amounts of melatonin and other antioxidants.   Seems to be the right thing to try. Any other suggestions?

Halloween Sleep Deprivation Tempo Run with Mel, Kim and Jane.  Met at AF cemetery and ran north briefly through cemetery and further up alpine highway turned back onto road that Tri City golf course is on. We then ran to Pleasant Grove Cemetery. Fast from get go.  I call them my tempo runs but it is everyone else's usual pace.  Melanie still in front of us by a ways at times...like 30 seconds for majority of run.  Speedy.  I am not sleeping and have had a lot of stressful situations going on right now.  So every thing is perceived harder than usual.  But trying my best.  AP for 7.15 miles =6:56!!! (I had to run back to my house at 6.4 miles instead of going back to AF cemetery.  We left later than planned and stopped a bit at cemetery to see head stones of Kim's dad who passed away almost three years ago).  Wore stop watch and used course tool.  Hope I am awake tonight!!  So got home at 6:40 am and helped with make up and costumes.  Brooke-- Barbie from Toy story 3 , Amber a dog (we made a tu tu together) and Courtney and I went to DI last night and found her Wednesday (Addams Family) costume.  All looking rather well done up :D.

okay entry I wrote for Wednesday was meant for today.  oops.   I worked all day. Very busy.  No running.