Believe to Achieve

ran more than I originally thought...5 miles.  And so that is 10 more than I originally planned waking this morning.  yup was thinking of bailing on a workout.  Walked around with Amber for over two hours last night and my pf was trying to show its ugly face.  Had Troy massage my trigger points in my calf and that seemed to put that response at bay.  Jogged this run.  One of my old 10 miler routes I haven't run in over a year...up into Lindon via Locust and up a significant hill climb back to PG in the back roads.  WENT right on by two pieces of candy --- a three musketeers mini and and a nestle crunch bar mini at two different points in my run.  Have no desire to eat candy.  Been down.  And I think my appetite is blunted.  Sleep still a factor.  Waking real early.  Think I am definitely some sort of clinical depression.  Digging my way up.  Just a lot of stress right now.  So today I plan on just focusing on the good things in my life.  AP with course tool/stop watch method of running....was 8:27.  Honestly thought I was about 8:30 to 8:40 ap so pretty close.

Work. Busy shift. Glad for daylight savings to end tonight.

Worked again yesterday. Long shift...came in early, normal time if clocks not back an hour but made for an eternal 13 hour shift with no windows to outside world e cpt when briefly leaving to bring lunch tray back to nursery. So love the babies. Okay...today no running or any exercise. I must be burnt out. I do not feel like running often. Went to library. Got five books...maybe i will become addicted to reading now. I dont read much but found some interesting autobiographies ...running tides...about joan benoit and other random important people...one on thefounder of the susan g. Komen foundation. I am very interested at what drives people to do amazing things ....:-) i am at a tine in my life that all my decisions are carefully acted upon...most of time i am contemplative, not sure of my role in this world besides mother and wife. Do i have any other purpose ? Lots of deep thoughts.

Just not into running. Time off to think things through. May even get plantar release surgery and heel spur removal....same condition..unless fish oil works. Good time of the year to be down...not running. I may here and there but recouping mentally and physically from the fifth hardest year of my life. Had some really bad years...1982, 1985 to 1987 -18 months of depression, postpartum depression in 2003 and this last year. Oh the rest has been a roller coaster ride. Really am looking forward to a new year :-) first to get through the holidays...not easy even after all these years. So glad for the gospel in my life. :-)

6 am.  seriously first day out since time change.  nice to see the sun rise at 645am.  5.1 miles...the old faithful loop.  timed it with stop watch.  easy pace.  didn't run since last friday... ap 8:23.   migraine this afternoon on the entire right side of my body.  burning pain.  nothing I haven't lived through before.  but thinking i need to just persevere.  i am wondering why i am weakening?  why my soul is not more uplifted?  missing so much my family...the family i used to know.  but that is not good to ponder about.  it is better to not linger there in the blackness.  and it shouldn't be black...because this life is temporary for everyone.  a test.  so glad i have my children to care for.    JUST MOVE.  do something good in the world.  : D.

Ap 7:31. 5Am before work. Busy busy no sit down day at work. Ate breakfast at 1145. No lunch. Now just hanging with girls on bed watch ing byu womens soccer game.

ran a lonely in my own not so easy to listen to thoughts run...I really need some serotonin.  when i was young I didn't understand these feelings of loss of hope/despair and not happy with things that usually make me happy..now that I do...and looking more into ...I am in fact clinically depressed...due to chemical deficiency...most likely brought on by being consumed by stress...both positive and negative..mostly negative...injury being one but definitely not at top of list, work--it is so stressful....all day feeling like I can't keep up...but maybe if I felt better I would feel better at my job?  I ran my usual 5 mile  loop with stop watch...sat down at end and then realized I had too much time til I meet up with Amber's 5th grade class (they run the mile each week as a class and invite another class each week to join them.  It was my first time joining them).  She has an awesome spirited teacher, Mr Dickson.  I ran my first 7.8 miles at easy pace --8:10 (course tooled).  But man it just seems so long running these days by myself.  I can't even begin to tell you how bored of myself I am.  So I wear music to outcast as much as possible any thoughts that make my runs seem even more endless.  Not to mention that my PF or heel spur is trying to come back.  SO I think I need some antidepressants for a while.  I honestly think my serotonin (not to mention my already very low estrogen and progesterone levels) is at an all time low.  When I was 14 and 16 I went through two long journeys to the DARK side.  NOT good.  For any of you who have been there, NOT a place to go...but for me and for others I know...it is how our chemistry and past experiences make our brains to think.  In fact my experiences with MAJOR Depression disorder back then are BOOK worthy.  Just not sure how I could handle writing it.   Having shared this,, I guess my serotonin is not the lowest it has been...but it is spiraling down..I can run fast if I tell myself to...but I am just not happy doing so and my body hurts in places it shouldn't...so why I was sharing this with you is that I recall back in those years how hard it was (meaning painful) to walk.  My feet hurt , my legs hurt and eventually I couldn't get out of bed.  I hurt all over and I couldn't sleep...then I just laid in bed all day until I got the notion that my life didn't matter....now there is DARKNESS.  So not going there right now.   Right now I realize that since I am an adult going thru menopause many a hormone is askewed.  My brain is trying to revert back into the past and that is a place I escaped years ago...until lack of sleep and intense stress puts me into the situation again and I think....I don't matter.  As illogical as it may sound that is where depression sends people.  But do not worry, if anyone is reading this...I feel better than I did last week...but I am fragile...It comes in waves and consumes me at times...so I know I need something to help me.  For moments I tend to feel like I have been.  So tune in.  I am digging myself out.  GOOD NEWS ran with the 5th grade today and the GIRLS were so excited to see me.  ARE YOU GOING TO RUN WITH US EVERY FRIDAY?  MY MOM WOULD NEVER RUN with ME!! and all sorts of other comments.  My main point in going was to be with Amber and to see how the kids were all doing in their self esteem.  I think I am on to something.  Something I can continue with and help young children with.  Amber wanted to beat her time in the mile (7:31).  So my goal was to help her.  And we did--7:20!! and we even had a tag a long girl named Hallie stick right with us.  Amber was the first girl and Hallie one second later (with a bad cold even).  Usually amber is alone up front but this girl was motivated by seeing me there with amber...she wanted to be a part of it...she was obviously getting a competitive light on in her head.  After everyone finishes (some actually don't finish the 2.5 laps but only 1.5--I hope to some time get these kids to finish it all, some are quite over weight) the classes huddle with hands in the middle and say a couple of uplifting phrases along the lines of I can do ANYTHING I set my mind to, I can run faster, I can be smarter and I can be a better person to everyone!!.  So cool.   So maybe I found my purpose...my window to the world of hope...to help others achieve hard things.  Many of the girls were saying "I hate running".  I told them how they can change how they feel about running my replacing a different thought about it before running.  They were really interested in what I had to say.

Met up with jen(neasts) in eagle mountain then drove together further on into eagle mountain to arianne's house with two beckys and met arianne and three other and a chocolate lab dog named penny . It was cold. Toes numb at first. Yuo true to the warning it is several degrees cooler in cedar valley. We ran a nice trail run quite steep for a while and we just jogged and chatted. Downhill was tricky footing so just as easy paced going down. We started after 7am. Ran 10.2 . I did not wear a watch or garmin. No need. Had the others to tell me at the end. Believe jen said ou ap was 9:37 :-)

reverse of loop in the warmer then expected fall air.  short sleeves removed gloves and head band and capris.  pf is NOT my friend.  it is either continuous injections that last 6 weeks or surgery or a new found cure for this malady.    easy pace relaxed thinking too much...ap 8:03 for 5.11.

Ap 7:57. Goutlike pain in heel hit suddenly. Painful to walk. Wish i had answers...rheumatologist a long wait....labs pending. Idk but i am sure it is a form of artbitis.

bad news.  heel,  where spur has been, swelled up and extremely painful to touch or walk on.  managed 7.5 hours at work in clogs that lift heel up but still limped all day.  left work early.  some thoughts-- stress fracture??  heel spur fracture?  pseudogout?  not regular gout that has high uric acid levels, I have been tested for it three times when I have had my big toe swell in the last 10 years.  pseudogout is just like regular gout except the type of crystals that form-- calcium poryphosphylate sp?? in pseudogout.  The pain in heel came on sudden and increased in intensity within 24 hours to unbearable pain that even blankets on my heel was painful.  see podiatrist friday.  basically rheumatologist can't see me as I hoped for quite some time.  there is only one in the valley.  even though his dad is in my ward i am not able to get in too quickly.  no answers to chronic joint inflammation, mainly in my heel, = ANXIETY/depression.  I tried an antidepressant lexapro---NO WAY  I felt so bad with just one pill--- itching all over and dry mouth.  NOT taking that anymore.  Seriously would feel better just with some answers.  And some stress relief from not working full time anymore so I can focus on my daughters : D.

Celebrex kicked in and swelling by end of day a lot less. Able to touch heel without excruciating pain.

steroid shot in to side of heel  # 6 this year-- one Jan 30 one march 27, one may 14, one june 11, one sept. 26, and today.  First one by ankle, second heel, third pretty close to fleshy part of heel--bad reaction, june 11-- heel--good one, 9/20 achilles, today same as june 11.   This year so much pressure because I signed up for grand slam.  Now I have no worries about all that competition.  Just going to heal.   five weeks off began Wednesday, November 13 :D.  Time to do it for real.  No running for five weeks but begin cycling and strength training in two weeks.  steroid possibly in wrong spot as dr. distracted getting cold spray and missed where he marked it by 1/4 inch. : ( 

worked all day as admit nurse.  amber to birthday party for Kendall, while brooke, brooke , courtney and troy froze at last byu foot ball game.  we won by a lot.  snowed and rained.  foot feeling better by end of shift despite the initial worry of the pain radiating to my pinky toe due to the last push of steroid close to bone which aggravated nerve.  hopeful.  but still going to obey my orders to lay off the running so I can heal. 

yup 3.5 hours of sleep.  INSOMNIA again.  Steroid injection helped my heel but keeping my brain too stimulated. 

massive FATIGUE!!  lasted all day Sunday (cause I woke at 245am sunday morning before work and could NOT get back to sleep). Glad the nursery wasn't too busy yesterday.  So surprised to still be unbelievably fatigued today.  Had NIGHT SWEATS all night.  It seems whenever I get a steroid shot it goes systemic (throughout my body) and shuts me down (adrenals).  Then takes a few days for my own body to kick in.  Seriously not good to existence yesterday.  I even slept Sunday night from 830 pm to 6am.  9.5 hours!! I woke a couple of times.  No sleep aids though.  Menopause SUCKS!!

Put on call...I faintly picked up on this buzzing sound by my bed that woke me from my sleep...518am...ON call.  So of course I can't fall back to sleep.   And the more I laid there the more I just knew I had to RUN.  Five weeks off is too much.  And my heel is only slight tender (the spot he missed injecting, I am going to ask for a 1/2 dose right in the right spot).  But I will wait for 2 weeks first to see if it kicks in.  It has only been four days.    So glad I ran.  Felt good in the warm FALL air.  Saw 53 degrees on Junior High sign as I ran by.  I didn't need my gloves after a mile and I wore shorts with compression socks.  Just easy pace after a full week off.  Plus a little guarded with the heel bone tender spot. Read Joan Benoit's book Running Tide.  She was/is CRAZY.  She had a least four surgeries on both her HEELS!!!  and ODDLY the first time she came down with heel pain she was feeling very fatigued and learned she was anemic...JUST LIKE MY first bout of heel pain.  Anyway if she can pull of 90 - 120 miles a week in similar conditions I can do my measly 35-50 at a much slower pace.  I can't believe how crazy it was reading her running---She was a constant RACER.  Wowsers.  This book was written in the late 80s so I need to read a more current one.  But she does describe the intense stiffness her legs took on that went along with her heel pain.  OVERUSE.  Ya think?? She was just young so her body could handle it better and no full time job or kids at the time.  She did marry just after the Olympic marathon.  She is an amazing athlete.  Love that she grew up near me and ran lots of races around the towns I know of.  And one particular race that is only a few miles from my Aunt and Uncles house on the Cape-- Falmouth Road Race. Very popular.  She won 6 times.  I ran by there in July this past summer.  So yesterday Josse posted Daily Rounds and I decided to get myself out of my funk---  so I did 3:00:53 for the plank, 15 pushups, 38 jump squats, 34 crunches, 16 burpees (no push up), 2:05 for wall sit.  Then had to catch my breath for 20 minutes ha ha.  Today I just jogged and loved it.  AP 8:25.  Stop watch and course tool.  Plan was five miles but the weather was too good to pass up.  Then I just finished upper body workout after starting the 100 push ups in 6 weeks program.  Hope I last.  Started in column two--6/6/4/4/5....60 seconds in between.  Good form.  This is first upper body work out in months.  I just got to get my head in the game and stay there. 

AP 8:03.  Easy run toward AF high school then up behind Art Dye Park.  So pretty.  Heel spur is a joy.  I envision it shaved off but that would require surgery...so instead I envision SHOCK therapy that can blast that little piece of bone to pieces.  Fun running moments.  Feeling so much better lately now that I am sleeping.  Yes actually sleeping...except for Saturday night which was a joke.  Actually was EXCITED to run the past two days....I looked forward to it.  A VERY GOOD SIGN.    last three miles I felt so good I picked it up,   7:22, 7:23, 7:11.   felt easy.  certainly not 5k pace.  tempo i suppose.   when I started out I could barely move my upper body from the weight work out and push ups yesterday, 9:03 I think.  OUCH.  I felt I was running in slow motion.  Some leg muscles (left shin and hamstring) were pretty tight too most likely from the Wall sit and jump squats on Monday. 

Easy run pace til 3/4 mile into last mile , already easily at 7:15 pace to get the last mile at under 7:00. It was up hill the last 0.1...and just barely got 6:59.ap 8:06.then pushup...challenge day two week one 8/6/6/6/7 90 sec rest in between. Also weights upper body, planks 60/45/45, and brief core. No heel pain just muscles saying ....hey i thought we were in hibernation..just hammies and lower back. Expect this so not worried. Hence why i am running easy pace miles. Would like to run even slower if i had a friend willing to run 8:30 to 8:45 ap for 8. ???

woke at 4am.  couldn't fall back to sleep.  running.  good first two miles then the cold got to me..felt warm but legs were numb...no watch, garmin died so ran a varied route til I thought I was at 8 miles.  course tooled 8.85 miles.  know time i left and time back..so 8:28 ap.  hamstrings sore from push ups.  tired day at work.  legs achy all shift.  i guess i have run 4 -- eight milers in a row.  so today no pushing pace.  just way laid back.

4.17 miles to start of 5k cookie in af. Ran with sister to help her. Ap for 2.97 miles, website says course is short, 10:09. Warmup ap about 8:22. Ran back home 3.2 miles. Ap 8:22. Took progesterone last night. Figured got to try something leg pains are awful. Hamstrings angry in this run when i started. So glad i was smart and did not race a 5k.

so glad I awoke and no back and hamstring pain.  I guess I can't do the planks and pushups and messes with my lumbar spine and I have been battling bilateral hamstring/sciatica.  OUCH.  Could barely walk right at work Friday then on Saturday's run complete rebellion of both hamstrings so jogged a 5k.  The pain persisted til about 4pm yesterday and I awoke without pain.  Legs felt light.  NO pain meds either.  Just hormones...day three progesterone and estradiol both levels seriously low...even lower than menopausal should be.  Anyway we shall see if this helps me.  Kind of feel a little weepy on estrogen.  Okay so I was like this should be a great run...my legs feel light.  Started running and at about 1.5 miles I got shooting pains into my foot.  I was scared. Been there done that last June.  So stopped an walked briefly. Considered walking home but waited for shooting pain to pass then started running again.  No pain..until  0.3 miles later same thing. So walked a little bit.  Tried again....Made it 0.4 miles....shooting pain when on uphill due to slant of heel into hill...lovely. Stopped and removed about 20 stickers from the bottoms of my shoes.  Ha ha.  I must have MENTALLY felt them PHYSICALLY.  Cause sure they did not push through my shoes.  I didn't feel anymore pain (just a weird feeling in my hamstrings coming back, numbish) the remainder of the run but I slowed way down...until last mile...ran 6:43 for fun.  Besides a little bruise like feeling on my heel I felt strong.  I am almost at 500 miles on my Nike Lunar Reds so I am sure there is no more cushioning.  The heels on outer sides on both shoes are worn to the next level...white....not black anymore.  Obviously I heel strike.  Not COOL.  AP 8:10 for 8.2.

Worked. Busy 13 hours. Yay repeat tmr.

Couldnt sleep. Up at 4am but just did not want to run in the freezing air. Eventually got out there at 5:12am...had to work at 6 ...ha ha clocked in at 0600 on the dot. Busier shift today than yesterday. No breakfast til 145pm. Ap 7:59. First mile 8:50.

Won entry from ryr pace grouo on facebook. Not prepared to race since only four ten milers since sgm and no sw but one mile fast last week for over a month. I decided to hang with 1:35 pacer. Good to hear them breathing hard.....i was not so much. It was cold and i only warmed up 0.7 miles easy with 15 second pickuos to 715 pace. After mile six i did a few miles at 7:04 to 7:10 and ended up a minute ahead of pacers. I passed four women and four or five guys. I took one gu..caffeine free of course at mile five. Should have livened my frozen muscles up with my second one at mile 10 but decided i was doing well enough. No women in sight in front. The course is technical in several spots, twisting and turning and some rolling hills. More hills were at the last three miles...up. i had that feeling in your legs u get when u froze and they become unresponsive. No push so i jogged it in at 7:15 pace and cheered the two guys just in front of me to sprint. I had no idea i was second overall. Cool. My time listed in results is gun so i posted my chip. If uare top three u have to go by gun. So 1:33:52 but really 1:33:46. Loved Thanksgiving dinner at my house with family. Played some games and watched some studio c with my kids.

recovery miles by myself.  ap unknown.  about 8:30 to 8:40.  garmin flipped out.  my old  one i tried to revive.  it spazzed out.  got home to reset it and showed miles but forgot to look at overall time to figure pace. when i reset it all data went caput.  cold run. lonely.  hamstrings tender.  just getting real boring running by myself.  seriously.  i don't have anyone to run slow with me.  it is a drag.  oh well.  tmr however i am going to just run BEHIND mel and kim.  Jane hurt her back.  Hopefully kim gets a hold of Delightra so  I can have a friend.  

ran with mel and kim and Julie E  (WAY behind them).  hamstrings painful and lower back hurting quite a bit.  could not push the pace even if I wanted.  luckily they stopped three times so I could catch up for a bit and chat briefly.  kim put out water and gatorade. they ran 14 miles.  i was put on call and was surpised to be able to run today.  was only going to run 4 before work.  my mom is over.  her last day at my house so run was early.  630am.  Cold.  Very cold.  25 degrees i think.  AP 8:12.