Believe to Achieve

Sick to stomach with anxiety because i have been so depressed. Got to race later than wanted. Jogged the wrong way on orem blvd then pulled out map and realized i was not going in right direction. Masive dark cloud over me and muscles in legs still sore from tuesday, ridiculously so. Got to start line and roefly saw rachelle and jen but immediately felt no race mojo nothing. No adrenaline, no excitement just sadness. When i am oit of this hole i hope to make it up to everyone. I am not myself and it is perplexing and daunting. Running in this state is like tryong to run from your brain and you cant. Physically this race was good on my heart, my legs were tighter than post marathon soreness but with my mind it would not matter. I have never run this course and due to my poor memory i forgot my watch. So no timing device just me and my non excited body trying to work with my brain. At the giant hill i looked ahead and saw a girl i had before but could not remember who she was .....i figured she was in third. Right beside her was josse i felt so alone. I pretty much jogged the uphill. I had no desire to speed up and i dont even know if i passed yellow sbirt kid or not...i dont think i did. I have no splits but i was about 10 secs behind rachelled at the first mile of her 10 k. I had no desire to place i had no desire to compete i had no idea what my time was only i knew i had to be slower than i originally wanted cause i jogged the hill. I wanted a pr but when i woke this am i was too tight for a pr. Are lunges and squats really that good for runners? Maybe not old runners . I am happy that third place girl got my pr 19:45 that made me laugh to myself . Basically i hope i am forgiven for being debbie downer. I suppose i am happy that i got my second goal that i told my sister yesterday...under 21 minutes if my legs are still sore. Wose than my sore legs was the extreme need to pee at the starting line and no bathrooms in the community with houses along the entire course. On the downhill two guys easily sped passed me and when it flattened i easily passed them ....my quads were trashed on the downhiil. It was no advantage that 7 percent downhill for 1/4 mile. Ouch. Again i m sorry for who i am rivht now. Everyone else keep on being you!