Sock tans

Happy New Year!!

December 2020 stats

Number of hypomanic days: 2 (6.5 percent) ↓

Number of depressed days: 20 (64.5 percent) ↓

Number of stable days: 9 (29 percent) ↑

Average suicidal ideation rating: 0.16 ↓

Average meals per day: 2.97 ↓

Average hours of sleep: 7.97 ↑

Days medication was missed: 0 ↓

Average anxiety rating: 2.77 ↔

Average irritability rating: 0.13 ↔

Number of days exercised: 14 (45 percent) ↔

Average impulsivity rating (only 6 days of data): 2 ↔

All things considered, December was a good month. My mood was more stabilized than it has been since I've been keeping track (I started in October), and before then it's safe to say I was very unstable lol. So it's cool to see my progress.

I'm still a little worried about the next couple months because that's when I always seem to struggle the most. But this time I have a therapist and steady meds to help me through the darker months. If I can avoid another hospital visit that will be an accomplishment.

I broke my running streak :(

Wasatch loop. I had in my head that I was going to go the full extended loop, but after 3 miles I knew it wasn't happening. Or more accurately I decided not to try because I wasn't feeling amazing. Maybe someday this week I'll be ambitious and make it happen, idk.

Running streak: 1

I didn't run again today. But I did have therapy.

We discussed my dilemma about not having the motivation to do things and yet needing to for the betterment of my health. She basically said everything I already knew but validated it and helped it sink in a little more, and gave more perspective. For example, she pointed out that I'm in a much better position than I was in last year at this time. That while I'm struggling with moderate depression, last year I was in a suicide spiral. And I'm very self-aware. For example, I can feel when a depressive episode is settling in. I can recognize it. I can also recognize hypomania, though I haven't been hypomanic for a while.

She also said something that really surprised me. She said that I'm the only one of her clients actually tracking my moods, and I'm not flaking on therapy where a lot of her clients are doing so right now even though they really need it. She said that holds a lot of significance and means I'm accountable and I'm putting in the effort to get myself healthy. 

She also encouraged me to do things that are going to help improve my condition, even if I don't want to do them. She said to think of the future and look at what each action will bring you, and make choices based on that. If it's for the betterment of your health, if it'll bring you peace, and if it'll improve your mood, do it. If it won't, don't.

The wintertime is more difficult for most people because of a lack of Vitamin D, but especially so for those with mood disorders. She recommended me to see someone to discuss in depth what nutrients I might be deficient in and discover ways to get enough of them either through diet or supplements. She also recommended I see a nutritionist to discuss diet and how it affects mood. My mom has mentioned diet being a significant factor before, in fact brought it up again a couple days ago. I might try adjusting it. My therapist also said staying hydrated is important with relation to mood, which surprised me. I don't know how that correlates but I'm going to try to stay better hydrated. And I've been slacking on my mindfulness techniques, so I'm going to recommit to doing one every day. And starting tomorrow, I'm going to go for 7 straight days of running.   

I get the first dose of the COVID-19 vaccine on Monday :)

Ran 3 miles and did a 7 minute core workout with my mom and sisters

Foothill out and back. Almost didn't go but I forced myself to, ended up feeling pretty good. 

Out and back

Got the COVID-19 vaccine today! What a day. I also got an IUD placement. Has me feeling really crampy and a little nauseated when the pain is rather intense

The vaccine hurt less than the flu vaccine for those wondering. It really wasn't bad at all. They say I could have a fever and chills tomorrow but we'll see. 

No running today

So far my arm feels like it's been punched but other than that no fever no chills. I have some residual cramps from the IUD.

I'm going on a hike later today with Olivia, might make that my "run"/exercise just because I don't feel the greatest.

My class also started yesterday, I've got to write two 3,000 word papers within a month so that's exciting

I signed up for a half marathon! It's on April 3rd. I'm hoping this will give me some motivation to train.

Imagine Dragons posted a link to some music that I haven't heard before, I think they're songs that didn't make it onto their previous albums and I love it. I hope they release them fully soon.

Today was also a really good day in therapy. My therapist told me that I'm stable, which surprised me a little because my moods have still been fluctuating into depression. But because my suicidal ideation has been non-existent for 22 days and at a 2/10 intensity or lower for 57 days straight, and I haven't come close to needing a hospital stay in 9 months, I'm stable. Which is exciting.

Wasatch loop

Foothill out and back

Felt good today

Wasatch loop

Foothill out and back. Sad to say, my legs were feeling a bit tired, but I guess that's to be expected. I'm determined to get a full weeks worth of runs in this week. And then keep up the trend. I'm not really sure how to best train for a half marathon, especially when it's only 10 weeks away, but I think at first I'm just going to focus on mileage. It might not be my best half, but I hope to at least be in shape for it.

If all goes well, this will be the first week since the end of July that I won't have missed a day of running.

VA loop. Legs felt tired again, but it was also warm enough for shorts! As was yesterday. Today it was windy and started to drizzle at the end of my run.

This week I've been at a stable place mood-wise, which I think has helped me with motivation. I adjusted medications on Tuesday to hopefully stabilize my moods further- to have less frequent dips into depression and less intensity within those dips. The meds I've been on seem to have eliminated hypomania almost completely, interestingly enough. I wonder if that's possible for bipolar 2 depression, at the right dose and on the right meds. One can hope. To have only the occasional dip into depression, that would be amazing. 

Well, I slacked for a few days. Yesterday I had no time to run, I was working all day. Unless I wanted to run at 8pm which I didn't. I was ready to come home and be done with the day lol

Anyways, I'm going to recommit to running every day and try not to miss any more days. Sometime it'll stick. 

Apparently we can't go over 40 hours a week at work, so now I don't feel so bad about leaving early for therapy appointments and school. Even with my shortened hours I'm cutting it close. 

For those who don't know, I work for the HERO Project (Health and Economic Recovery Outreach) at the University of Utah. We are a research project studying the spread of COVID-19 through Utah.

We're currently testing faculty, staff and students in Granite school district, MBA students at the U, and people in the community in northern Utah. In the past little bit we've been in West Valley and Salt Lake, but we have also tested in Provo, Logan, Layton, Woods Cross, and in the summer some of our team went to St. George (before I was part of the Project). In the past we have tested University of Utah students as part of their weekly testing, but we decided to continue doing community testing instead. So now the U has its own staff for U of U student testing.

A couple great perks of this job is that we all get vaccinated against COVID-19 and we get tested weekly for COVID-19. It's a great job to have in the midst of a pandemic.

I get my second dose of the vaccine on Monday.

Out and back on Foothill

I got my second dose of the COVID-19 vaccine yesterday. So far I'm feeling a little tired, but otherwise alright. I've heard the second dose makes you feel more ill than the first, so I'm pleasantly surprised that I haven't gotten a fever or anything. 

Wow I'm really terrible at this whole running thing... oops. I'll try to go tomorrow. 

I'm losing hair due to my medications so my hair is really thin now and I just hope it doesn't get worse. This means a med change. I meet with my psychiatrist on Tuesday. I'm just frustrated that's all, it's so hard to find a medication that works and this one does. 

Today marks 10 months since being discharged from the hospital. 10 months of stability!

Wasatch loop. Felt really good considering how much time I took off. It was a nice day today. 

Counting my lucky stars that my reaction to the vaccination was so small. Many of my coworkers had to call in because of the effects of theirs. It's the hot topic at work rn lol

Today was such a nice day I'd planned on going the full loop, but my knee started hurting randomly. It would sometimes go away then come back as a sharp pain. My two guesses were either tight IT band or tight sartorius. I turned early at 1.5 because it was bad. Got home and used my handy dandy foam roller and it's the sartorius alright

There was an avalanche in Millcreek canyon on Saturday. 8 people were buried and 4 of them died (ages 23-29). One of them was in the same nursing school cohort as a couple friends of mine at the U. I didn't know her personally but it hits close to home, what a tragedy. 

I really need to start running every day if I'm going to run that half marathon in April. I'm going to make more of an effort this next week.

It's been almost a year since I was hospitalized. It'll be a year in March. I was really nervous about having a repeat since the beginning of March seems to be when I struggle most, as evidenced by the past two years. But I'm feeling stable so I think I'm going to break that pattern this year, which is exciting. 

VA loop

It dumped snow today, that was fun! I was dreading the overpiled sidewalks so I ended up not running today. I think it's all in my head man I'm just struggling to get motivated

Out and back towards the VA.

Started with VA loop but decided to switch it up and go towards the zoo. The mouth of emigration canyon was the 2.5 mile mark, which is where I turned. I felt good and enjoyed the hills. Towards the end my sartorious was getting tight again but it wasn't too painful. 8:37 average. This seems to be my new pace- 8:30-8:50. I haven't been wearing a watch until recently (because I would always stress about the pace and get frustrated because I'm slow now haha). But my past few runs have all been in that range.

With my half marathon being only 6 weeks away, I'm going to commit right now to running every day until then. I can do that much, and I don't care how fast I finish that half I just want to finish it, hopefully without walking. This half was supposed to inspire me to run every day anyways and help me get into better shape. I've been a couch potato for far too long haha

This run was more to prove to myself that I could still do it than anything... and I felt good while doing it! Wasatch extended and added on Harrison to get to 8. 8:38 average.

Out and back towards the VA. I'm a little sore from yesterday

8:47 average

This was a very nostalgic week. On Thursday I went over to my biological sister's parents house and looked at some pictures and letters my biological grandma left for me and my siblings (they were left with my sister because she's the oldest and remembers). Then today my mom found the missing cord to our video camera so we were able to play a video tape we haven't seen in a looong time. Dated back to 2005. 

Didn't feel as good today, I think because I didn't eat much before. 8:48 average

Felt really tired for some reason. 8:40 average 

8:49 average. Beautiful weather this week!

I'm tired after this one. 8:43 average

One year ago today I was admitted to the hospital for a partial suicide attempt, self-harm, and having 2 other plans and a suicide note written out. 2 years ago I was admitted to the hospital for the same reasons.

It also marks the day that my life turned around for the better. 

Everyday I'm grateful to be alive and well. 

No running today because one of my best friends got engaged today, I went to help out with the proposal up at Deer Valley after work.

This one took it out of me. It was all uphill the first half but the wind to my back, then downhill the second half but going against the wind. And it was WINDY, especially in the canyon. I was getting blown over on certain gusts. Slow pace, 9:06 average.

It's my twin sisters' birthdays today, they turn 9. Crazy!

8:39 average. Getting nervous about the half marathon. I seem to get tired around 3 or 4 miles, the 7/8 mile runs feel long, and I think my overall anxiety has me doubting whether or not I can finish a half on such little training. Sigh.

On a happier note I'm now debt-free (not including student loans), my credit score went up 61 points, I registered for my last class needed for my associates degree and applied for graduation (it's not much but it's something), and we discussed going down to every other week for therapy (we're still sticking with every week for a few more weeks, but to be at the point where every other week is an option is huge, especially considering where I was last year at this time).

8:53 average. Imagine dragons released two new songs, one is not my favorite but the other is AMAZING.

8:46 average. Still trying to figure out my future. Today I found out I was awarded (if I accept) a $3,200 grant (per semester) at SUU. Makes me want to go back, that's a huge financial help. But idk, I'm told by my parents and therapist that staying here in northern Utah is better for my mental health. So I'm torn.

8:53 average

8:33 average. Beautiful day today! 63 degrees.

I just wanted to recognize the stability that I've finally achieved. These are two graphs showing my mood symptoms, the first from October through December 2020, the second January through March 2021. I don't know what finally worked, but a good guess says it was the right medication combination.

8:24 average. Another beautiful day today! 66 degrees. It's supposed to rain tomorrow.

I got accepted into UVU today :) still have decisions to make, but it's probably where I'm going to finish my degree.

Decisions to make:

1) what to study/what career I want: I'm leaning towards either exercise science- just because I know I'm interested in it but I don't have a career in mind for it- or secondary mathematics education to become a middle or high school math teacher, or elementary education and become an elementary school teacher.

2) where to finish my degree

3) how fast to finish my degree- balancing school and work

I joined two challenges that will happen in April. One is the 75 mile challenge: run or walk 75 miles in April. This one is for the American Red Cross. I'm going to try to make it running miles, which comes out to be about 2.88 miles a day on average if I'm not including Sundays. I think it'll help me be more consistent with my running.

The second one is a 100 mile walk for suicide awareness and prevention. The Life's Worth Living foundation is hosting it- a walk from Toole to Wendover. It will be a 3 day event with two of those days being walking days. It sounds like we won't be walking the full 100 miles, it'll be more of a relay. But I'll do as much as I can, possibly running some of those miles. I think this one will be far more meaningful, especially considering my history with suicide. I'm excited for it. 

My half marathon I'm having doubts about. It's not this upcoming weekend but the next. I'll see how I feel on my runs this week and decide whether or not I'm going to do it. I know I should probably just try. But I'm nervous about it. 

8:41 average.

My psychiatrist suspects I have an under active thyroid (hypothyroidism), which can be caused by one of my medications. It would explain my hair loss and sensitivity to cold. I'll be getting labs done tomorrow to recheck my TSH level (which was high last time) and check my cholesterol. I'll be meeting with a MD in mid April to look into it further.

8:55 average. 

My test results are back. My free thyroxine level was normal but my TSH was pretty high. This indicates subclinical hypothyroidism (hypothyroidism in its early stages). This was brought on by my medication (lithium), which I take daily for bipolar disorder. My lithium levels are still within normal range but on the verge of being too high. I don't know what this means in medication management, but some changes need to be made. 

8:56 average. 

This was to prove to myself that I can still run long distances. I'm still debating about the half next week, but I feel more confident that I can do it now.

If I do run it, my goal will be to run under 2hrs. That feels manageable to me.

I'm planning on running the half marathon on Saturday. I'm nervous but I'll do it haha. Next time I do one I'm actually going to train for it so that I'm actually ready. This one will just be a run-to-complete type half.

I'll be moving in the next couple of weeks so that my parents can remodel the basement. It will give me new places to run for a while.

Beautiful day today! It's supposed to get up to 79 on Saturday so it should be nice weather for the half :) might be a little chilly starting at 8am but we'll see. I'm getting excited for it. 

8:48 average

It's so nice outside I wanted to go longer, but I also wanted my legs to feel good tomorrow so I held back. Gave directions to a nice lady, though thinking back I'm not sure I was all that helpful. Hope she found her way

plot twist: I stepped on a tiny piece of glass barefoot. I got most of it out but there's still some in there. I can't seem to get it out. Hopefully this doesn't disrupt things too much. 

It was cold when we started, enough that I wondered if I should've worn a long sleeve. I was in a tank top and shorts. It seemed I was the only one until getting to the starting line, a couple others trickled in with tank tops. Later I was glad I wore a tank.

The first 5 miles were mostly uphill. We started on the frontage road that's by the Mountain Dell golf course and went out on Highway 65. Before connecting with Emigration canyon we did a mini out and back. Then down all the way to the mouth of the canyon by Hogle zoo. 

Around mile 7 a guy began to pass me but I decided to match him. For the next 3 miles we ran together side by side. I was grateful, it helped it go by quicker. I miss running with people. We settled running 7:40s. After mile 10 he started surging on the uphills and I matched the first time, but the second I let him go. I was getting tired. There was a water station at Ruth's diner that I stopped at (well I stopped at all 3), that was when I felt how worn my legs were. Probably from the downhill. Starting up was a little rough, but I got back into the groove. The last mile was hard. I was struggling but pushed through.

Overall it was fun and I'd do it again given the chance :) 

Oh and I hardly felt the glass in my foot. Maybe it's embedded in a callous. I only feel it sometimes. 

My legs are SO. SORE. It hurt to walk yesterday. I still walk painfully today, though I feel a little better than yesterday. Not sure if I'll be running today. I'm a little surprised it took so much out of me, but I hear downhill running is hard on your muscles.

My uncles are doing the St. George marathon and invited me to run it with them. I've decided to sign up :) 

Any marathon training tips would be appreciated!

I think the highest I'll go is 70 miles a week and 21-22 miles as my longest run leading up to the marathon. I plan to start training with one speed/tempo workout a week and one long run. I plan to start tapering 3 weeks before the marathon as per a quick google search of how to taper for a marathon. I put my goal as 3:55 because I have no idea how fast I can run a marathon- this will be my first one.

I ended up doing a small loop today. Once I got started it wasn't that bad, but I was running really slow. 9:30 average. 

3 miles easy. Legs are still sore but significantly better than yesterday. I'm hoping that by this weekend they'll feel good enough to run Wasatch extended loop one last time before moving on Sunday.

Later I did another mile at 7:33 with Millie and Tessa around our circle. Millie broke off halfway through and grabbed a scooter lol

My legs felt really heavy today. Still sore but not terribly so.

8:43 average.

I was feeling up for some 400s today so I went to the East High track and said nevermind. High schoolers were covering the home stretch of the track. So I made a loop instead continuing down to 1300 E. 

I make the big move on Sunday. I sent some of my stuff over there with my dad this evening (my younger sisters wanted a play date with my cousin- my aunt, uncle, and cousin who live in Georgia are staying with my grandparents this week hence why I don't move in until Sunday). 

I'll be helping my grandma take care of my grandpa. He had a stroke a couple years ago. He's fallen a couple of times and my grandma was unable to lift him so she's had to call 911. Hopefully with me there, there won't be a need to call 911. This is also to allow my parents to remodel the basement- can't exactly do that while I'm living down there. To get me back and used to paying rent again now that my medical bills are paid off, as a step towards living on my own again I'll be essentially paying rent to my grandparents, who will put the money in a savings account for me to access later when I'm ready to move out or buy a new car or whatever my next step in life is. They're very kind to help me out.  

This is the first week I've run every day since the last week of July 2020. First week of marathon training down, 25 weeks to go.

I'm starting out easy- I don't want to go get myself injured. So I'm going to run 2 weeks around 25 miles a week, then start building mileage from there.

I found out my old neighbor/high school teammate Natalie Shields Connolly will be running the St. George marathon as well! A couple of my friends are running the Deseret News Marathon on July 24 and one of my college teammates Ashley is running the virtual Ogden marathon the week of May 9-May 16. So I have a couple of people to run with every so often if I want to :)

I'm calling this one Redwood loop. Pretty much a box loop that included Redwood Rd. This 6 mile loop went down to 11400 S. Not sure if I'll make a loop along Redwood that's longer than that, but we'll see I guess.

To be honest, I was frustrated that I was running as slow as I was today. I averaged 8:41. I felt like the effort was there, but my legs didn't feel relaxed at all and by the end the lower part of my quads were hurting. I don't know what's up but I hope running feels more smooth soon. 

Took a path that connected with the Jordan River trail, then went south until it forked into a dirt road and the paved trail. Obviously the paved trail was where the trail continued, but I was curious where the dirt road led. So I took the dirt road. It ended in a large opening and I spotted a dirt trail, so naturally I followed that. It led to a fence that overlooked the next busy street. Looked at my watch and decided it was time to head back anyways. One thing I'm curious about is if the trail continues either way, north or south. I think it goes all the way to Bluffdale, but I could be wrong. As for the northern side I don't know where it goes. I'll have to explore that. 

On the way back I was noticing that running felt off. I adjusted my form and that boosted my pace up to 7:50, but it was tiring. Maybe I need some strength training too. Then I decided to run a couple 400s based off my watch. I was frustrated at them, too. I felt like I was putting in a good amount of effort but not getting the results I wanted. I ran a 1:40 and a 1:33. Then ran home. 

Can't remember why I didn't run yesterday, I probably just didn't want to. Oh yeah because the weather was crappy. Today I didn't run because my grandma had surgery on her hand and so I was in charge of my grandpa, we had to run to St. Marks to drop off an oxygen test then the car key battery died so we were almost locked out of the car but it had just enough juice to start the car so we went over to Nissan and got a new battery for it then over to TOSH to pick up my grandma after her surgery. We were there for like 2 hours because her oxygen levels kept dropping below 90 and they kept putting her back on oxygen and she needed to stay off oxygen for 20 minutes before she could leave. But she's all good now! By the time we got back it was starting to get dark and I'm a little more hesitant to run after dark over here when I don't know where I'm going really, so no running today. 

Took the JRT over to the South Jordan trailhead then got off and went up to Temple Dr. and back home.

Until my therapy appointment today, it hadn't occurred to me that I might be hypomanic. I can easily identify depression, but I haven't quite been able to identify hypomania until someone else notices first. I could use some practice.

The red flags were not filling out my mood chart since the beginning of April and missing a dose of medication because I ran out and thought "meh I'll be fine. I'm feeling good."

I've been in a really good, happy mood (yay) but I've also been spontaneously signing up for things like, for example, the St. George marathon. I applied for a job and have a start date and everything but it was done really fast. Here I've been thinking I can manage a full-time job and a part-time job and an online class through SUU and reality check: that's too much. Hypomania is weird, it makes you feel like you can accomplish anything. So I don't know if that speaks for my decision to run a marathon, maybe I'm in over my head. But maybe not.

Anyways, I've got a few things to sort out. 

Today was day 1 of the walk to wendover, a suicide prevention walk and fundraiser for the Life's Worth Living foundation. Thanks to my Facebook followers I raised $530 for the foundation. I'm tired and sore after today but ready for round 2 tomorrow.

On my garmin (that is currently dead so I don't have a pace for them, it died around mile 10):

Leg 1- 3miles 

Leg 2- 6 miles

Leg 3- 3 miles

On my Nike run app:

Leg 4- 4 miles, 17:35 average

Leg 5- 2.67 miles, 17:23 average (short because some teenagers in our group moved the cone back over a quarter mile)

Leg 6- 3.03 miles, 17:13 average

Total: 21.7 miles

Day 2 of Walk to Wendover. I am so sore from yesterday. I honestly think running 20 miles would be easier than walking it

Leg 1- 3 miles, 17:23 average

Leg 2- 3.16 miles, 19:13 average (It hurts to go faster)

Leg 3- 5 miles, 18:30 average

Leg 4- 1 mile, 19:06.

Total: 12.16 miles

I'm on the job hunt because my COVID-19 job is only funded until the end of June. I've applied to a few, I have an interview on Thursday that I really hope goes well because it's my top pick

I'm going to run later today. 

Well, I didn't run yesterday like I said I would... but I ran today and that's a start. 

I can feel my hypomania going away... noooo

I have two job interviews tomorrow, which I'm both stoked for and secretly dreading... I hate interviewing but I want a job so see my dilemma? Jk jk

My current job just switched up what we're doing, now one of our projects is to go door to door in lower vaccinated communities to previously selected (randomly selected) houses and try to get people to take a survey about vaccine attitudes. We're trying to get a feel for reasons why people aren't getting vaccinated. Anyways so we'll be driving to Davis county, Utah county and Tooele county for this. Today was day 1/a practice round just in some neighborhoods here in Salt Lake. I have to say, this feels very reminiscent of my mission... lol

Today was a busy day. By the time I was ready and able to go running, and wanting to for a change, it was dark. Normally if I was at my parents house I'd go anyways, but I don't trust this neighborhood as much. It's unfamiliar to me and feels less safe. So I opted not to go.

I accepted a job offer tonight, so that's exciting. I'm hoping to stay with this company for at least a year, I seem to have difficulty staying in a job (as is common for those with bipolar disorder. I can't explain why, it's got to do with the impulsivity that comes from the disorder. One day you wake up deciding you hate your job and/or wanting to try something new, and up and quit. It's really not good and it's something I need to not do. I'm proud of myself though for sticking with my current job for almost 7 months. And I'm only quitting because I'll be out of work soon anyways). 

I'm definitely in a downswing, I'm feeling less and less like running. More and more exhausted/wanting to isolate myself in my free time. But I am really going to try this week to get out running at least 3 times.

Today I worked from 11-7, knocking on doors. Honestly, it sucked. I'm glad I only have 2 weeks left.

Out and back on the JRT. 

Rough day at work. Even rougher email after work, from my boss (like highest up head of the project boss) accusing me of falsification and threatening dismissal. I've already put in my two weeks but dang, I don't want to be fired, especially for something I didn't do. I have a 15 minute phone call this afternoon (Thursday) with her and I honestly don't know what to say. 

All this to say, I didn't go running today.

I have been hypomanic and buying lots of things and one of those was a nice Nike sports bra that came in the mail today so I wanted to try it out. And I love it. No regrets :) I used a Nike gift card I got for my birthday so it's justified haha. The run itself was nice for the first 2 miles then kind of sucked for the rest of it. I've lost fitness.

I'm visiting a friend in Rexburg for the weekend. It's strange to be back. Not sure if I miss it. Honestly, it's a little triggering but it's so good to see Cat again.

Went out towards Walmart and turned at the Jack in the Box. 

I'm going to be starting up equine therapy in two weeks. I was actually recommended equine therapy by my therapist a while ago. Then this opportunity just lined up, I know someone who is working for this company that does equine therapy and she hooked me up. I'm excited. 

Got off work early today so I went running before it got dark. 

I had a discussion with my therapist yesterday that has stuck out in my mind- certain parts of it. We were talking about shoulding on yourself (I should be like ____. Or I should do ___.) and high expectations etc. She asked me to tell her what "perfect Sarah" was like so I started listing off the things I should be doing and am not or the way I should be and am not. She wrote them down and read them back to me, then said well now I don't know if I'd want to be friends with "perfect Sarah." It surprised me. But we determined that if I was "perfect Sarah" I would have no empathy for others, I wouldn't be able to understand trials. And I'd have a lack of understanding for others shortcomings because I'd have none myself.

So things like having bipolar disorder have their advantages. At least I have empathy and understanding.

I was grateful for the challenge to my negative thought patterns. It made me think about how possibly I could be accepted and loved just as I am, not as who I think I have to be. 

Another thing that took me by surprise: I mentioned in that list of things that "perfect Sarah" would be thinner than I am now, and my therapist said "but you're already thin." I guess I'm just super self conscious about having lost muscle since college running and am fearful of gaining a bunch of weight. I don't do anything about it, but that underlying negative body image is there and weighs on me a lot. Which makes me feel that much worse when I struggle to get out for a run everyday. But I'm recognizing that those kinds of thoughts aren't the best thought patterns either and could lead back down the path to anorexia. So I need to figure out a way to be content with my body being the way it is, because it's at a healthy weight and I do recognize that I am relatively thin. It's the perfectionism in me that gets me sometimes. 

I've gotten really busy with work and school. And now added therapy. I could start waking up earlier to go running, and maybe I will. 

I switched my registration for the St. George marathon to the half marathon. It's clear to me that at least right now I'm unable to train properly for a full marathon. But a half feels doable. 

4 easy before dark

I started up an equestrian program today that will run for 7 weeks. It's amazing, I love it. So that and work took up pretty much my whole day. I could've gone running right after I got home from work but I was tired and when presented with the option of a chocolate milkshake or running... it was a hard call but I went for the milkshake lol

Oh boy. I feel out of shape. 

I was reflecting on my run about how I used to be this super dedicated, fit runner and now I'm not. It's like college running just burned me out, because ever since I left SUU I've struggled to keep it up. I would love to be able to get back into running, but sometimes it feels like an impossible task. I'm going to try really hard to run every day this week. 

Today I met up with a friend I made in my new singles ward named Brittany. She says that a ton of the ward runs. Another friend from the ward named Jenna said she also loves to run and wants to meet up for a run sometime. 

Anyway, Brittany and I went out to Daybreak and ran around Daybreak lake. It was so nice to run with somebody again. We're going to try to make this a weekly thing. 

Dang I didn't run yesterday... but imma try to run the rest of the week.

Today I rode a horse English style for the first time! Next week I'll learn how to ride while it trots. 

It was HOT

Easy 3 with Olivia

I'm at my parents house this week because my parents went to California for a wedding so I was in charge of watching my sisters (ages 14, 9, and 9). They got back late Tuesday night but I'm still here because my cousin and uncle who live in Georgia are in town and staying with my grandparents. So I'm in Salt Lake until Sunday. 

I miss running in Salt Lake. I miss the neighborhoods and big trees overhead. It has been good to be back. 

Today I went up to Foothill and took it over to 1700 S, up to Wasatch and back down 1300 S.

I also got bitten by a dog... first time that's happened while running. I thought he was a friendly guy just getting excited like my dogs but no I think he was protecting his owner who I was passing. Ah well at least it's not a bad bite. 

Fun run with Jenna and David :)

Ran with Jenna and David again. One of my best friends gets married tomorrow so today and tomorrow are full of wedding festivities :)

I feel like there are a lot of things that I want to be doing (like running, scripture study) that I'm really struggling to do. I need to create a new morning routine and wake up earlier so that I'm able to get everything I want and need to done. 

I'm 2 weeks away from having my Associates degree :) it's been a long, windy road to get it but I finally decided to take that last class online. I'll have more credits than needed for it but at least I'll have something to show for my time at SUU.

This week is going to be crazy because I'm working full-time, finishing up my class (which includes taking a couple quizzes and writing a paper this week), I have 3 appointments (psychiatry, therapy, and the equestrian program), I have a job interview, and I got asked to speak in sacrament meeting on Sunday. So I'm a little stressed haha

It was relatively cool this evening so I decided I better take advantage and go running. Easy 4.

I got an email today from someone from the U of U Huntsman Mental Health Institute (formerly called University Neuropsychiatric Institute or UNI where I had two psychiatric stays and 11 ECT treatments done) saying I may be eligible for a new research study. I still have yet to figure out if I qualify.

They said, "Severe mood disorders such as major depressive disorder and bipolar disorder are known to be caused in part by genetic factors (DNA inherited by your parents). But the specific genes involved are not well understood. Furthermore, how genetic factors influence response to treatment remains unclear. The primary objectives of this study are to discover the genetic causes of severe mood disorders and to identify genetic variation that affects response to electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). A secondary aim of this research is to find non-genetic characteristics that predict clinical response to ECT."

I think I'm going to participate in the study if I qualify. It would be awesome to contribute something to finding out the specific cause of bipolar disorder as well as aid in the research of ECT's affect on different people with genetic predispositions to bipolar disorder.

These last couple weeks have been crazy busy. Running has kind of been put on the back burner. 

I enrolled in that bipolar disorder/ECT research study today :) should be interesting.

I also accepted a new job today as a special needs caregiver. 

I finish my associates degree this weekend, all I have left is a final.

Today I rode a horse (named Montego) while in a canter :) bouncy but feels nicer and less bouncy than a trot. The horse trainer/my instructor told me that I had the best looking canter on a first try that she's ever seen, that I have great adaptability. Most people when it changes from trot to canter try to fight the new movement I guess. But I didn't! Instead I held onto the horn because I wasn't 100% sure I wouldn't fall out of the saddle lol. Something to work on but I left feeling really good about my progress!

No running because I went straight from my equine appointment to work and worked until 8pm. By the time I got home I was exhausted and let the time slip by and then it was dark :(

Today I decided mid-run to pick up the pace until I was a good mix of comfortable and uncomfortable. I did it for a mile and hit 7:23. Then ran back home easy. Felt good to mix it up, I was going 6:40 pace for a second there. I have to remind myself sometimes to push thoughts of "I could hold this no problem when I was at SUU" away. I'm at a completely different fitness level now and that's okay. 

I did it! I finished my associates degree today :) took my last final!

I had a very good conversation with my therapist this morning. She asked me about a time I was happy and what I was doing at that time. I mentioned running brought me a lot of happiness in my college days and she asked why. I said it was because of the sense of accomplishment of doing something hard and excelling at it. She then asked me why I can't be happy today. I said I didn't know. 

She also said that my bipolar disorder isn't what's getting in the way. I had bipolar disorder back then, too, I just wasn't diagnosed yet. 

Happiness comes from hard work. And she said that happiness shouldn't be our goal, it should be fulfillment.

Makes me wonder, what even is happiness? I know depression and sadness well, but what feeling is happiness? I know mania, euphoria, and the shallow happy from saying oh I'm doing all of this stuff, going all these cool places etc. but when have I been truly happy? And I think that answer is in achieving something difficult, accomplishing something great, and pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone so that growth can take place. 

There are a few changes I want to make in my life- first, running. I want to start running again for the sense of fulfillment it brings me, not because I have to or because if I don't I'll lose fitness. Second, my approach to my upcoming job. I want to look at it with excitement and gratitude for the fulfillment it will bring.

I almost didn't run today, but I got myself out the door just before dark. I did a mile easy, a mile hard-ish, a mile easy. My easy pace as of late is around 9-9:30 pace. My mile hard (not all-out, but picking up the pace) was 7:39. I know that's nothing to go crazy about, but it's my benchmark time. Now I'm getting a taste of running faster again. And it felt good.

Anyways long post, lots to think about

It was hot, 88 degrees by 9:30am. Gotta get up early to get that nice weather eh? I enjoyed sleeping in tho

My twin brother proposed to his girlfriend tonight... she said yes!

It was HOT

I had a psychiatry appointment this morning, we're going to drop my dose of lithium in a couple weeks (on August 1st)- the reason being I am starting a new job this week so she wants to give me time to adjust to it before we change my meds. I am losing hair like no other, which is caused by lithium (it causes the thyroid to under function). I used to have hair as thick as Tessa's (my sisters) and now it's suuuper thin. I don't wanna be bald so we're finding an alternative before I lose all of my hair. Hopefully it goes well and I don't get super depressed or manic lol. I'll also be starting up an anti-convulsant used off label for anxiety. I've been quite anxious as of late, I don't know why

I have an appointment with my general practitioner on the 27th to test my thyroid/see if I can get a referral for a dermatologist. 

8:39 average

Out and back on Foothill

I'm stressing out about my job, next week I will be the only staff over the day program and I've never worked the day program before. I got a little training on it yesterday but I still feel like I'm just being thrown in. Ahhhhh

I'm also slightly concerned about my mental health, just because of some of the thoughts I've had in the last few days, and I say this hesitantly because I don't want people to think it's worse than it is. I think the stress is just getting to me.

Some of those are things like thinking I'm going to die young anyways, who cares about skin cancer and subsequently not wearing sunscreen and getting fried. So not direct suicidal thoughts but a general apathy about life that is leading to undesirable behaviors.

Apathy about life is a good way to put it. I don't feel that depressed, just apathetic.

I see my therapist on Tuesday.

Currently pondering over my loss of interest in things that I used to really enjoy, namely: running, reading, and drawing. I used to be so passionate about all three of those. College athlete, talented enough at drawing that I can draw portraits of people and I've had people tell me they'll pay me to draw them, and I always enjoyed a well told story. But since I left college, no more drawing, hardly any reading, and running is a STRUGGLE to even get out and go running. On top of that, I already want to quit my job because of how stressed I am. It hasn't even been a week. Did you know it's really common for those with bipolar disorder to hop from job to job? That's what I keep doing and I need to stop, but it's oh so hard to believe in myself enough to stick out a job. I know it's something most won't understand, but all the same. 

Easy 3

Wow has it really been almost a week since I last ran?? I guess it has. Oops. I would've gone tonight but last minute my grandparents asked me if I wanted to go with them to the temple. It's harder to get into the temple now than it was before COVID (you have to make reservations, can't just show up). So I decided I'd jump on the opportunity. It was a neat experience. And my first time back to the temple (excepting Olivia's sealing in June) since COVID.

I found one thing I do quite enjoy- swing dancing. I've been going with a friend and her husband on Saturday nights and last night we went to a different one. We're going again tomorrow night :)

My job is becoming more and more manageable. And I'm starting to grow close to my clients. I can see myself sticking this one out for a long time, which I didn't think I could a week ago. So I'm grateful for that change. 

3 easy

Decided it's time to get into shape. I have 2 months until the St. George half marathon. If my cousin Tate can get ready for the marathon in 12 weeks, I can get ready for the half in 9. Right?

Easy 3, my toe nail was digging into my other toe so that was bugging me, took off my shoe and what do I have? A bloody sock

4 miles easy, my throat started hurting around 2 miles in and I think it's from the smoke in the air (though today it's better, you can sort of see the mountains again). I got a little worried about my asthma, wondering if it would trigger an attack so I walked for a minute. But I seemed to be okay so I kept running.

Air is still smoky, my throat hurts. So far my asthma is okay though. I decided today that I'm going to run every day this week, even if it's only 3 miles.

Well there go my plans to run every day this week. I'm kinda bummed I didn't.

I decided today that I needed to run longer than 3 miles. So I ran 6. I was more tired at the end than I would like to admit. I've gotten out of shape. 

Easy 3

Okay so I haven't run in... over a week. It's looking like that half marathon might have to be deferred to next year cause I just haven't had the motivation to train for it this year. I feel bad about it but it is what it is. 

On another note Imagine Dragons dropped their new album tonight and I'm stoked about it. They're my all-time favorite artist.

So how's life? I'm struggling financially but what else is new? Currently in a big debate over whether or not I should keep my job or get a new one. Don't know if this is my bipolar cycle getting to me, probably. There are some really good aspects of my job but some really sucky ones at the same time. And I'm not getting paid very well. I'm in a depressive swing. Have been for a solid 18 days. It's fuuuuun. Hehe. Not really. No suicidal thoughts for a year. Still going to weekly therapy but considering dropping to every other week. Despite being depressed I'm doing quite well. I'm not to the point of tears depressed. Just my usual withdrawing and keeping to myself, feeling tired and less motivated than usual. But I am learning ways to be still and in the moment so as not to be anxious, which is nice. And the up side is that I'll be hypomanic sooner or later haha :) or maybe that's a downside too... ah well hypomania is more fun than depression. 

3 miles

2.75 miles

Well... I deferred my half marathon entry to next year. It was obvious I'm in no shape for a half marathon. I was struggling on a 3 miler today and ended up walking a quarter mile of it. But it's okay. I'm feeling more motivated now to run. Hence why I got out and ran today. We'll see how long that lasts though haha. 

I had therapy again today and my therapist asked me where I thought my mood was at and I said I thought I was coming out of depression/entering into an upswing and she said she could tell. I seemed happier and brighter. It always surprises me when she can tell just off of my countenance.

I also learned today that I could ask my work for a mental health day if I need it. Because bipolar disorder is a disability, they have to allow for it. Same with doctors appointments like therapy and psychiatry, but I've managed to not disclose what my appointments are for thus far. Idk why but I'm a bit more wary of disclosing my disability in an employment setting, and I have a hard time seeing myself actually asking for a mental health day because it's never even crossed my mind, I feel obligated to go to work no matter what. And thankfully in 18 months I haven't gotten so low that I can't get out of bed. But it's nice to know that if that were to ever occur again I can ask for a day off. 

Easy 2.75

3 easy

I had therapy this morning, T'was a good time. My therapist went to Canada to learn more about ART the past 5 days. We had an ART session today. It was really cool actually. I left not having any suicidal ideation whatsoever and feeling really hopeful and inspired. 

2 easy

Easy 3.

My therapist is opening up her own practice and told me today that she's leaving Red Willow. It really scared me for a minute because she started saying how she wouldn't be accepting insurance and that it would be close to $200 a session and I can't pay that much. But then she said she'd do a sliding scale for me, that she's already worked it out for me to pay what I currently pay ($60 a session) if I wanted to continue services with her. She said that I'm the one client she'll be doing that with, which im extremely grateful for. But boy I was so sad for a minute because I thought I wasn't going to be able to afford her new prices and I'd be on the search for a new therapist.

Easy run after therapy

I spend so much time worrying and stressing out about my job performance at work, but every time I am baffled by my bosses comments about how I'm doing amazing and all the clients love me etc. today I wrote up monthly reports and sent them in, but was stressing wondering if they were good enough. Then my boss texted me saying they were amazing and great work etc. 

It's left me thinking I shouldn't be so hard on myself and that I should have more confidence that I can do a good job.

To be perfectly honest I was this _ close to quitting my job, but as time goes on the more I love my job. It's kinda crazy but I think I'll be here a while. Which is new for me. I switch jobs a lot. But hopefully that'll change. 

3 in the cold rain. I picked up the pace so my out of shape butt was feeling it. Honestly I'm embarrassed that this pace was comfortably hard. It's been a long time since I've gone below 9:00 pace as sad as that is. But I feel accomplished. Got that familiar feeling in my lungs that lets me know I worked hard. 

Just for reference, my mile splits were 8:37, 8:08, 8:27. So nothing to shout about but something that was satisfying for me after having gotten into the 9:20 pace gig.

I'm making it a goal to run every day this week. 

Well the whole let's run every day this week really didn't pan out... I guess I just got busy with other things. I worked late one night, then another I decided to go hang out with some friends, another I went to a haunted house, and the rest... idk. I need to be better about setting time aside for running.

Well I guess another day I was helping my parents move stuff out of their basement so they could remodel. A couple of boxes were my old personal stuff. I went through it today. Old journals, scrapbooks, pictures, running medals, and letters from people close to me. I was laughing because I found a story I'd written for my sister Hattie and it was so random, then deeply touched when I found a letter from my old YW President. She passed in February 2019. She took in my brother when he became too difficult to live at home (he has anger issues and mental illnesses, it's hard to explain why that was so necessary but it was for the best). So finding that letter was sweet but also hard. I miss her. 

I didn't bother setting a goal to run every day this week because I knew it was going to be crazy. My boss is out of town so I picked up a couple of extra shifts. However, I think running every day is too ambitious of me right now, so I'm going to make the goal to run 3 times next week because that seems more obtainable. If I run every day then awesome! But 3 days is my goal.

Easy 3, 8:50 average

The good news is that I've finally really stabilized my mood, we upped a dose of my medication and it's helped a lot. It's kind of crazy to think back to before I started taking medication/before ECT treatments when I thought it was normal to cry every day. Haha psych it's not. So glad to be past all of that. 

Not a running entry #sorry I didn't have time to run today because I pulled a 10 hour shift last minute. Here's why:

One of my clients' sister is in the hospital. She has been for a while. Today she was pulled off of life support, hence an emergency shift after day program ended for me to watch my client while they went through that whole process at the hospital. I tried to make it fun for my client, of course he had no idea what was going on, but yeah. He is the sweetest little guy you'll ever meet and my heart just breaks for him. We went to Nickelmania and Arctic circle for dinner. Because he wanted to :)

I love my job. And honestly, hard as today was (it was all sorts of hectic, we had the cops called on us by a stranger across the street because of another client acting up, one of our clients was setting everyone else off, it was a zoo for a while there) it's so worth it. These clients are precious and so lovable, and even though there are really hard days there are really good days too.

Also, I am November's employee of the month which I am honored.

I've managed to go this far into November without running at all... I'm not sure how. I guess I'm just not motivated.

An update- my family and I went to Disneyland last week which was AMAZING, I've been frequenting swing dancing clubs both in Salt Lake and Provo, I'm going to Island Park, Idaho for thanksgiving with my family, and my brother just replaced the rear shocks on my car for me tonight because they were pretty much done. (He works at Ken Garff Hyundai downtown). The difference in ride is amazing.

Life is good. 

I hope to start running again soon. Maybe I'll start tomorrow. 

Easy 2. I am very out of shape, my lungs hurt. 

I got the random inspiration today to go running. It was after work, as I was thinking about all that I needed to get done and after realizing that I have tomorrow off of work I was like, "what if I went running right now?" And all of a sudden, it felt like I was free because I could go running! And I wanted to! Granted it was dark outside but it gets dark so early now that I have a feeling a majority of my runs will be in the dark. But anyway, I was like okay let's go running!

I was expecting it to suck because it was my first time back after so long, but I felt so good so instead of the planned 2 miler I turned it into 3. (I memorized where the turnaround is). I expected to have to stop and walk for a minute once or twice but no, I ran without stopping! My lungs hurt for a little while starting up but I got used to it, and I was breathing heavy but moving what felt like a good pace so oh well. I didn't have my watch with me because it's dead after so long of not running. But I plugged it back in so I'll have it tomorrow!

I'm feeling excited to get back into running. It's one of those things that you don't realize you've missed until you start doing it again. 

Today I pushed myself again, boy am I out of shape. But this time instead of being ashamed of it I'm going to embrace it. Accept it and make a change. Let go of my past abilities and focus on what I can do right now.

I did the 3 mile out and back, but this time I stopped and walked twice in the last mile and a half. So really only ran 2.8 miles (I had my garmin this time). I was proud of myself actually for 1) getting out and running and 2) for working hard. My splits were 8:48, 7:39, and 6:20 (8:03 pace) for the last 0.8.

I hope to run every day this week (except for Thursday, Thursdays I have therapy and go swing dancing with friends so I won't have time).

3 easy in the dark after work

Easy 3. 4/6 days (or 4/5, since I knew I wouldn't have time to run on Thursday) isn't too bad. Definitely better than the past month. I hope I can keep up the trend next week. 

Easy 2.5