Sock tans

It was sooo cold. Ran up to Wasatch, over to Thunderbird then took Wasatch back to Sunnyside. Then back home. 7:24 average. Ankle was bugging a little at the end. My hip felt great, it’s not nearly as tight as last week

I was tired today. Last run in Salt Lake, I did VA loop + Shriner’s. 7:27 average. 

Ran on the treadmill while Cate napped. 7:40 average (38:19). I forgot how much I hate treadmills

5 more miles on the treadmill. Park City is higher in elevation than Cedar, say what? 7:40 average again, I think I’m dehydrated. This job is crazy

Stomach bug is going around the house. Brody got it yesterday afternoon and it hit him hard, poor little guy. Then Cate and I were both sick through the night. Amy is feeling a little sick too but as far as I know she’s held it down. I’m anticipating more people to get sick as the day progresses. Jesse is leaving back to Salt Lake later today and I think I’ll try to drive back as well once I’m feeling more stable, the drive down the canyon won’t be good for my stomach. Need to make sure I can get up without feeling nauseated and can hold down some food first. Throws a wrench in the plans for sure but I’m glad I got it today and not later. Hopefully it’s just a 24-hour bug. Probably no running today, lol

Small meeting today after warmups, then an easy run.  Coach said not to go fast lol. But it didn’t feel too fast and Morgan nudged me a bit when we were going sub-7:00 pace, I’m usually not the one to go ham lol. Whoops. Canyon to Bicent then added a mile at Bicent before heading back to the track. 7:18 average. Felt the time off/elevation a tiny bit but it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. 

Weights after, wooo it’s been a while. I’ll probably be sore tomorrow. Also we added two minutes of jump rope to our warmup and all of our calves were dying hahaha

Rehab for hip after and Drew checked my ankle. I have a minor sprain in my ATL. But it’s small, only slightly achy, only hurts sometimes (on uneven ground), and feels a lot better than last week so I can still run on it :) hip flexor is tight again. Game readied my ankle

Nervous for the 6 minute test tomorrow. But I’m excited too. My whole group from last semester is gone now, we’re down to 11 girls :/ unless Danielle decides to come back. We’ll see. But hey I guess we’ve narrowed it down to the tough ones, right? Lol. Also cool to remember that I’m running with one of the best teams in the country (top 8% of teams in the NCAA- 25/349). Helps me feel better about being one of the slowest haha at least I can keep up sometimes

Two days into the semester and I've already had a mental breakdown. Oh boy, I'm literally going to have no life this semester. Three of my professors said on the first day of class either, "this is the most difficult class you will ever take, students pass the lecture and fail this lab every semester," and "This is the hardest class I teach because of how complex the concepts are," and "You HAVE to put in 12 hours of studying a week specifically for this class if you want to pass, and just because you put in the hours doesn't mean you will." 3 different classes. I'm also taking a different class online that might be the death of me, so much memorization. Yeah, I might have to change my schedule and spread these out better, I don't think I can take them all in the same semester.

Anywho, with that on my mind, into the 6 minute test we go! I was definitely already stressed beforehand trying to figure out how I'm going to manage finances and school and track and work and my future and still stay afloat. Today was a real slap in the face with reality that's for sure. This adulting thing really sucks sometimes. But I tried to calm myself enough to focus on just running, and I think I managed alright. I'm going to be starting up medication for depression and anxiety next week hopefully, when I can get in to see Dr. Newman.

We warmed up 2 miles before doing warmups. Odd? I think because of something with the recruits.

I was really nervous before we started. I was so sore from weights yesterday and tried to tell myself it wouldn't affect me at all just so I could forget about it and run. I really wanted to break 5:30 and believed it was possible. But I started to doubt because I didn't have as smooth range of motion and it felt heavier and harder to move because of the soreness.

But alas! Shut that out of my mind and just went with the group. Started at the back of the group because I know my place. Unfortunately that means a second or two late start (we run into repeats). Ah well. First lap (according to coach's watch) 79, second 80 (2:39), started struggling- 86 (4:05), and then hit the wall- 94 (5:39). Yoli watched it and said she could tell exactly when I changed pace- my stride got so small and I tightened up etc. Yikes. I fought and fought to work through it, to just go faster, but my body was physically done. I don't know what happened. I thought for sure I'd break 5:30, sigh. Finished with 1688 meters.

Mostly I just feel sad and defeated. I think I've finally advanced to the acceptance stage of the grief process. I no longer feel stressed out about the potential loss of my scholarship, the potential of being the absolute slowest on the team, the potential of never being the athlete that coach gets really excited about and proud of (not like he is of Angie or Maddy or Sharlie), because well, it's upon me. I accept it. I'm not stressed anymore, I'm just sad.

Now that I've cried it out, I've realized that I've been fighting for all the wrong things- to move up in position on the team, to prove to coach that I can run fast, to secure my full scholarship for another year. But I know a lost cause when I see one. It's time to change my motives. It's time to let go of those dreams and settle with what I can do now. To find the simple joys and truly be happy for my teammates when they run fast times, not envious. Not bad about myself for being so slow. It's time to stop being critical of myself and feeling so inferior to my teammates. We're all working hard. We all just have different abilities, and that's okay.

The only reason I'm the slowest on the team now is because all the others that were slower than me quit. From my freshman year to now. And we keep signing faster and faster girls each year. And now, this is one of the best teams in the nation. So, if I must settle for improvement and chasing after my PR's, I will. As my coaches have told us over and over again, if we improve off of our best times that is as much cause for celebration as Angie winning conference is. Even though I'll never be the fastest, I am here because I want to be. Because I enjoy running and want to improve off of my high school times. Because I like challenging myself and pushing myself to do hard things. Because I like being an athlete and enjoy the journey towards improvement.

Coach asked for my best distance. I told him I haven't run it before. He said well this is your best distance then! Haha. Then I told him well, I opened the season last year with a 5:56. Because I did. And he asked for my mile split today. 5:39. He said, wow, that's major improvement! Later he brought it up again and said, the improvement you've made is crazy, and it was long past our conversation ended. I think he's also referring to this past semester/season. He seemed genuinely happy. That made me feel a little better.

Instead of feeling sad, I want to focus on what this is teaching me. Even if I never achieve the status that Angie, Sharlie, or Maddy have, I want to be able to look back on my experience as a collegiate athlete in a positive light. I don't want to just see stress and defeat. I'm done with that.

I'm learning to be more meek and humble. How to love and encourage others even in the midst of competition. How to let go of unrealistic dreams and tone them down to be more realistic. How to get back up after a fall, how to endure, how to find happiness wherever you're at. How to be confident in myself even if there are plenty of others faster than me. How to not care about what other people think. How to be more accepting of myself with all my flaws and weaknesses, how to love and encourage myself the way I would with anyone else. How to truly believe in myself and get excited about what I might be able to do if I work hard for it. How to not take things personally, how to let go of comparisons and just be my own person. How to maintain a positive attitude and keep moving forward even in the midst of difficulty, how to take advantage of every possibility and do things because I want to do them not because of what anyone else tells me I should or shouldn't do. How to be independent as well as how to soften up and allow others to help from time to time, how to loosen up and relax.

I'm grateful for a sport that can teach me so much.

We cooled down on 3 mile loop then Julieta and I were debating doing another mile or two, but we were both dying. We asked coach what we should do, he said no today was a hard day don't worry about covering distance. So we didn't. Yep, now my body's wrecked. Sooo sore

50% today, Dikes. Our group split up twice as we went along, I ran the majority of it with Morgan and Haley. 7:18 average. Then strides after. Then rehab and weights

Had a meeting during practice, then came home and crashed. What I thought would be a 10 minute nap turned into a 2.5 hour one. I was exhausted. Then went for my run, 8 miles on Dikes + Canyon, 7:31 average. Drew is gonna get after me for not coming in for rehab, lol

Tough workout today. 1 mile warmup, strides then started. 1 mile with 3:00 recovery, 12x400s split into 3 sets. First 4 had 30 seconds recovery, next 4 had 45 seconds recovery, and last 4 had 60 seconds recovery. Times went:

Mile: 5:43

400s:

1) 81, 85, 84, 87

2) 86, 87, 90, 91

3) 94, 87, 90, 88

Mile cool down. 87.5 average

After 2x400s, I was struggling. Didn’t think I’d finish, told myself I could quit after 8. Got to 8, then was like why not I’ll regret it if I don’t finish. So I did. Even though my times weren’t great, I finished and that’s an accomplishment. It was also tough with such little recovery. Compared to where I was at last year I’ve improved a lot. Looked back and I actually opened with a 5:57 mile at NAU last year. So comparatively, I’m doing pretty well. No way would I have finished this workout at the beginning of Cross season, either. Progress

Ran a mile on Dikes then ran into Max, Josie and Alison so I turned and ran with them for a bit. Then ran back towards Parks with Max and Alison and then went back up Dikes backwards (lol we’d just been talking about how we switched the directions my freshman year because of the dreaded hill and then I ran up it hahaha). Then back out to Main and finished to 10. 7:20 average

Glute was bugging a little after the warmup, went into the training room and after the first bridge I felt a pop. That was nice, hip went back in quick. Glute was good after that, stinking hips. Mile warmup then straight into a 60% on farm run. Coach said the range for my group was 6:25-6:35 and he wanted us to try to stick together, with an emphasis on those in the back to push to keep up (me haha). At the beginning coach was like what’re your 60s like? Your guess is as good as mine haha. I didn’t know what I could hold so I just made it my goal to stay with the group for as long as possible. I made it 3 miles then slipped back maybe 10-20 meters the 4th mile and then kinda died the last one but Haley wasn’t actually that far ahead of me and had fallen off too, I started closing the gap she had on me just a tad in the last half mile. Splits went 6:23, 12:55 (6:32), 19:22 (6:27), 26:01 (6:39), 32:58 (6:57). Averages out at 6:36, so I was right there. Coach was happy, and I am too. Now I know where I’m at. The first 3 felt really relaxed then the last two got hard. My anterior lower leg was bugging a tiny bit on the warmup, then gradually got worse as the workout progressed. I’d wanted to stop to be cautious about 2ish miles into the 60 but I was far from the track and coach was picking us up.. so I ran through it. Ankle was bugging a bit at the end too. Then did a half mile of cool down, calves were burning. I could manage my leg and ankle. Then piled in coaches car, drove back to the track, and got maybe .1 on the rest of cool down before I called it quits because my leg was too tight. Stiffened up in the car. Got it treated, Drew looked at it. Did hip rehab. Then went to weights, released it some, I could feel the difference just by palpating it compared to my other leg. Super tight. Coach I helped me out, he showed me what to do on the roller. Afterwards it felt so much better, just fatigued and still a little tight but I could feel when it just gave out. I was so tired by the end of weights. We did 5 sets today of pretty much everything. Usually it’s 3. This is the hard week in weights, too. Got some nutritious snacks after as always and tried the ionized water, it was rejuvenating. Then rolled out and ice bathed. This week is 3-4 days of effort, here we go. Depending on how my leg feels tomorrow I may or may not just do a 50. 

Leg was still bugging a little. Went in early and heated, rolled out and stretched. After the warmups I was still iffy about whether or not I should be running. After 1.5 miles warmup it felt surprisingly good, enough that I was debating between doing a 50% or the workout. Decided on a 50% because I wanted to err on the side of caution. Asked Coach, he told me I should take 2 days off and do the injury prevention thing and bike, but idk, I felt like the bike wouldn’t be any different than running. It’s not impact that’s the issue. It’s just tight. After a few jokes lol he said I could either bike or go get my arch taped and do a 50, I opted for the 50. At first the tape was bugging my heel but then it was alright after a mile. Leg was perfectly fine on the run, either the tape worked or I warmed up or both. I’m super sore and heavy, I think today was a needed recovery day anyways. Hoping I can do the workout tomorrow! Did Main + Canyon, cut it short to 7 like Drew wanted me to. 7:31 average. Glute challenge for hip rehab, rolled out, gunned (this is the flipping best thing I’m getting one for myself when I can afford one lol), rolled out plantar fascia with golf ball, rehab for leg, then ice cupped. Longest time I’ve spent in the training room in a while. 

Workout today was a power run, coach said it would be a faster 50% but the range was 6:45-7:15, so not 50% pace... it’s like 55% haha because 60% pace is usually 6:15-6:45, except he bumped that up this week to 6:35... maybe he’s just raising the bar. Idk. It’s kind of fun to remember back to my freshman year when the majority of the team couldn’t hit 6:45 average on farm run... only like Angie and the Ashley’s, me (sometimes) and Brighton could. And maybe Sharlie. And now I’m the slowest and I averaged 6:36 earlier this week, crazy how much our team has improved. I remember 6:45 pace for 4 miles of 60% was good for me my freshman year, so I’ve improved too. 

Anyways, power run for technically 3 miles but our first mile of warmup was quick too. Coach is experimenting with workouts, today was an experiment haha. We’re cutting the 80% on effort weeks and changing it to something similar to what we did today. It’ll make the 4 days back to back easier to manage, it can be pretty rough sometimes. I’m happy that coach is so accommodating to our team and doesn’t actually want to kill us hahaha.

Power run: 7:15 (warmup mile), 6:48, 6:46, 7:18 (slower because we were doing laps to add mileage). Averages out to 7:02. Felt really good actually. Then a longer hill repeat that coach said was a quarter, definitely wasn’t. He wanted us to go to the stop sign. This is one of the steepest hills in Cedar, the girls that went the whole way said it was .42 miles to the stop sign. I stopped because everyone else did, or so I thought. Turns out some kept going. We ran .3, and that was still really hard. Yikes I felt slow as a turtle haha. Then 10x15 second hill sprints, those were nice actually. Felt good. Then longer repeat again at the end, Coach had Paul come down the hill a little ways so it would actually be a quarter. That one was really hard, but I wasn’t last because a couple girls stopped for a sec. Coach called us wimps hahaha then Sharlie was like well why don’t you try it and he changed the topic real quick! Haha it was pretty funny. Cooled down to 7.

Leg still felt a little tight/stiff during warmups, but then it warmed up on our mile of warmup and it wasn’t much of a bother. Was still a little nervous about it right before we started the hills because I didn’t know how it’d feel for repeats, but it was fine.

Weights after. Drew said today would be a recovery day for rehab so I just stretched, rolled out, rapid rebooted and gunned. Coach told me in weights that I looked good today in the workout and to keep up the good work. He also said I’ll be able to race at the next NAU meet which I’m excited about because I thought for sure I wouldn’t be traveling. Coach is more encouraging than I’ve expected him to be. And he’s seemed genuinely surprised and happy with what I’ve been hitting, so that’s kind of fun. It makes me more excited about what’s to come. 

It was soooo windy today! I had a hard time running in a straight line. Ran with Josie and Haley and ended up averaging 7:45 which is good considering. Then rolled out, did hip rehab, stretched out everything in lower legs, and rapid rebooted my hips. Knee was bothersome for the first 2 miles but then warmed up and was fine afterwards. 

Coach told me in the training room that I’m improving like crazy, which is true haha, and that I looked really strong on the hills yesterday. He said he can tell when someone’s ready to race and I’m getting there, he said Josie, Haley and I are making it difficult for him because he wants to travel us all haha. He said he thinks I can run fast this season like I used to, that I can get down to a 5:10 again. I was a little surprised to be honest, I think I’ve had this mental barrier and haven’t really believed I’ll improve off of my high school times. But I know it’s possible. He told me I need to have more confidence. That’s probably true :) he said I look more fit and I’m running really well right now, I’m excited because yeah compared to years past I am. I think I’m finally getting back into the groove I used to have. 

Windy again, this time the other direction. Did Cross Hollows from my house then came back up by Walmart and added a half mile on the Dikes trail to make it 10. Started out slowish because of my knee/leg, leg isn’t painful anymore it just makes my knee stiff and running doesn’t feel smooth for the first bit. 10 minutes in it felt good, warmed up. I was at 7:15 average pace when I hit the bottom of Walmart Canyon/Cross Hollows (5ish miles in), then felt good I guess and had the wind to my back going back up the hill past campus and towards Walmart/home. Ended up with 7:11 average for all 10, which was surprising. That hill always feels dreadful at the end of a run, plus the one up to Walmart, but it felt good today. Thank you wind :)

Did 3x10 pushups and 3x25 crunches, for whatever reason my abs are sore. I want to start doing core workouts every day, but I’m going to start small so I have a better chance of keeping up with it. Once I’ve been consistent for a couple weeks I’ll bump it up. Then glute challenge for hip rehab. It’s feeling a lot easier now than it did my first time, maybe next time I’ll increase the time for each exercise from 30 seconds to 45 seconds. It’s still hard at 30 seconds especially on my weaker/tighter leg, but I feel like I could handle more time.

HR 56

Dikes to Main + Canyon and back. Knee was stiff again for a little less than a mile then it warmed up. Warmed up quicker today, maybe because it was warmer out? (48 degrees). I’ve been hitting this point around 7 miles into the run where I just feel great and smooth. Second time in a row :) I feel pretty strong right now. 7:16 average

5x10 push-ups, 5x25 crunches. Glute challenge again for hip rehab, increased to 45 seconds each exercise (so 10.5 minutes straight hips, 5:15 each leg). It actually wasn’t even that bad. My weaker side felt it for sure, but I could’ve done a minute each exercise if I’m being honest. Crazy cause at the beginning of Cross 30 seconds felt really hard. I also remember when I couldn’t do more than 3 good form pushups in a row (high school). Now 10 at a time feels fairly easy (probably thanks to weights).

I’ve been terrible about sleep this week. I’m going to make an effort to get to bed earlier

HR 55

Weights in the morning, heavier weight/less sets week. I was lightheaded and a bit tired after, probably the combination of dehydration and a good workout. 

Afterwards I did 3 mile parks loop with Morgan then did Canyon to the two mile mark and turned. The snow progressively got worse until it was blizzarding. The low impact felt good on my knee though, maybe it’s time for new shoes

My phone died this weekend so I’m in the process of getting a new one. The same day my check engine light came on #blessed. Anyway, missed the memo from coach that practice was on our own, got to practice and no one had shown up but Paul. He didn’t get it either hahaha. Then Coach came and said to run in St. George. Well, my car wasn’t reliable and I am already incredibly short on time. I’m thinking about quitting my job because I’m stretched so thin. So I just ran in Cedar. It was sooo cold. Did out and back on Dikes but turned on Main on the way back. 7:39 average.

Hip rehab before my evening class

HR 56

Awesome workout today! I’ve realized that I need to be more positive about things and make note of when I have good days, too. Today was definitely one of those days. I’m so pumped!

Started with warmups and 3 miles warmup, then strides. Workout was 5x500s for the 800/1500 group. I’m actually really happy I’m in this group because I’ve forgotten what it feels like to go fast and I’m starting to remember and get back into the groove of it. Goal pace for the 400 split on them was 74-80, I forgot the full 500 goal pace. I was just focusing on the 400 splits because that’s what I’m familiar with haha. I hit:

500 time (400 split)

1) 93 (74)

2) 94 (76)

3) 96 (76)

4) 98 (77)

5) 100 (79)

Averages out to 96 (76). Coach yelled out to me as we were cooling down that last year in this workout I averaged 103. I didn’t realize how much I’ve improved since then, I’m so pumped! 100 is 5:20 pace, it’s crazy that I hit every one of them, even the last one when I was dead, at 5:20 pace or under. I’ve had a mental barrier at a 5:20 mile. It kind of felt like a dream rather than a real goal. To get back and running that fast... that’s seemed crazy to me. It’s been 4 years since I’ve been able to. But now... well, I just ran faster than that pace this workout and I feel like I could’ve run faster if I would’ve pushed myself harder on those last ones. I’ve got to get used to running fast, pushing myself out of my comfort zone, and getting my feet going.

I’m going to Weber State this weekend and I’m actually really nervous but excited. Because now it’s not just a far-fetched goal to break 5:20, what if I can actually do it? I haven’t really believed that I will, but now... maybe I actually can. If I can get myself into gear and push myself to hurt rather than stay relaxed. Granted it’s a mile and not 500 meters, but I’ve learned the pace and I know I can do it. I can hold it.

Coach said afterwards that if I can get a few races under my belt, I’ll be back and running like I used to. I’m excited because I think that’s true. I just want to PR so bad. To break 5:10 in the mile, that was a goal I had my senior year of high school that I missed by less than a second. And then it’s always been my dream to break 5:00. And maybe I actually can within the next couple of years. That would be so amazing.

Also, when I asked Coach today the likelihood of him having to cut my scholarship, he said not likely. I was so surprised, by the way he’d been talking during Cross and the sheer number of times he’s asked me to reconsider my options, see if this was really what I wanted to do, and the fact that he was almost going to cut me from the team this year, I just assumed it was going to be lowered no matter what. It helped me to relax and just focus on myself rather than trying to prove to Coach I was good enough, and maybe that was the secret all along. I’m just pumped to see how far I’ve come and the direction I’m going. Maybe now I can accomplish my dreams and be a useful player. In the last meeting I had with Coach before this, he’d said almost to himself “if we can get you back and running as fast as you did in high school...that would be a crazy story.” I want to make that a reality.

Cooled down to 9. Weights and rehab. 3x25 crunches, 3x10 pushups.

HR 52

I was tired today. My knee was also stiff and painful. Eeeeps in weights yesterday the 2 band hamstring curls were hurting it but me being me I thought psht don’t be a wimp and pounded through them anyways... Drew said to be smarter next time. I might have to skip out on those from now on until my knee doesn’t hurt at all while doing them.

I heated, rolled out, stretched and biked before running. It was feeling better than before, but still not awesome by the end of that. Drew just told me to be smart on my run, so I was in the clear to run but I was kind of hesitant about it. But once again, after a mile it warmed up and wasn’t much of a bother. Still felt it a little, but I was relieved. I’ll just have to be careful and warm up well before doing anything quick. I did Main slower and shortened my mileage to be safe. 7:40 average

Rolled out again, stretched again, did the glute challenge for rehab for 1 minute per exercise (14 total minutes- now that’s a real challenge haha), then game readied my knee. It feels surprisingly good now.

My new shoes came today so I’ll switch those out tomorrow and hopefully that’ll help the issue.

HR 60

Warmed up 2 miles, rolled out, did warmups and a few strides. I was really hoping for 5:20, thought for sure I’d break 5:30, and here we are. I came through 400 at 76 and relaxed through the 800 at 2:38 so I was on pace at that point, then I crashed and burned. I guess I’m just lacking the endurance and/or strength to keep up the pace. But I never gave up, I pushed myself and that’s all that matters. Aiden said that I went for it and that’s the first step. Maddy said that after a few races of pushing and working hard it’ll come and I will be able to hold it. It just takes time. The conversion for altitude/flat 200 meter track is 11 seconds so at sea level on a regular 400 meter track it would’ve been 5:28. So I guess that’s still decent. At least I’m heading in the right direction, last year at this meet I ran 5:45. And Jake said that after injury, you almost have to start over and set new personal bests post-injury. And I guess it’s my best college time. I should probably just let go of my high school times and focus on college and doing the best I can. And eventually it will come. I still have this year and two more years to cut my times down. I just have to be patient. 

All things considered, I’d say it was a successful meet. Sure I’m disappointed and it wasn’t what I wanted but I can learn from it and later this season I’ll be able to cut my time down. 

Cooled down 7 miles slow, 7:50 average

Not gonna lie, today was one of the days where I had to shut my mind off, try my hardest to be positive and just run because I was moody, stressed out and there was a lot of negativity from my teammates. I was really frustrated because their complaints just made me envious and I don’t like that, I just want to be happy with my circumstances. I have a lot of things to be grateful for like being able to train with such a fast team and under such patient, kind and understanding coaches. And I still get opportunities not a lot of other people get, others have to pay for gym memberships and I get bribed with food to go to weights haha

Only like half of us did the workout today, I think it was all those that Coach was planning on racing this coming weekend? Not sure. Coach isn’t sure if I’m going this weekend, it just depends if there’s enough spots on the bus. This is my one chance to travel with the team during indoor, and it’s hard to stay positive and believe I’ll be able to travel much in outdoor because that’s even more difficult. There’s less spots. I understand it, I’m the slowest, we have to accommodate sprinters and throwers and jumpers, too. I understand, but that doesn’t make it any less difficult. On the bright side though, I can always drive up north when BYU or Utah State or UVU or one of those hosts a meet. So I’ll still be able to race, even if it’s not with my team.

Paul ran up to me and stopped me as I was leaving weights, he reminded me that I’m running really well right now and even if I leave SUU having only PR’d by one second, I still will have PR’d. He also reminded me that this weekend was the first meet, and that it’s ok that I died. Later on I’ll be able to hold it. I love Paul, he always seems to know exactly what to say when I need it, even though he probably has no idea that I really needed that today.

Anyways, I ate way too much for lunch today only an hour before practice so I wasn’t feeling great. But my teammates weren’t doing great for their own reasons either, except for Sam and Alison. I think they’re the only ones Coach let finish the workout. The rest of us he pulled and told us to do distance because he “didn’t like what he was seeing.” To be honest, considering how I felt, I didn’t do too terribly. It was just on the 800, I wasn’t looking at my watch and just ran with Morgan and Julieta was behind me so I thought I was fine, though it did feel surprisingly comfortable and easy. Turns out it was way slow... oh well. 2x1000s, I hit 3:37, 3:38 which is awesome. They didn’t even feel that hard. I just felt like I ate too much haha but they were really relaxed. 60-90 seconds rest between them, then the 800 was 3:03 so way slow. And that’s why coach pulled us haha. Kind of bummed, if I’d paid more attention to pace I might’ve been allowed to finish. Oh well. Then did Main and cut down 300 W for cool down, I was glad to be alone and work through the negativity that had built up over practice. 

Weights later, it’s a hard week. 5 sets and up in weight. But it’ll be good for us. Also, Coach I had me roll out my quads on the PVC pipe and it hurt like heck. He says that’s what’s most likely causing my knee pain. It did feel a lot better afterwards, the hamstring curls didn’t hurt my knee anymore and I actually got a burn in my hamstrings rather than knee pain hahaha. Also because there’s an odd number of us in weights Coach I helped me with a lot of the partner stuff, it was nice to have him coach me one on one. He pointed out my feet wanting to roll to the side, in my left foot especially I don’t usually use my big toe for power. I’ve always known my foot positioning was terrible so I was just like, “yeah.” I asked him what I could do to fix it and he said to just pay attention when walking, I have to create the neuropathways so I use my big toe. One day my form will be fixed haha. Ooh I should ask him how to get my right arm to move through the same ROM as my left... haha. It’s fun because I actually understand what he (or my trainers or my coach) talks about now that I’ve taken quite a bit of Exercise Science classes. It intrigues me.

HR 55

Distance run today, Canyon + Bicent. 7:22 average. I was feeling pretty tired but I kept up. Also heart rate was high this morning, my body’s probably just tired.

Hips haven’t hurt in a while, I think the rehab finally took care of them. My knee started hurting the last two miles, felt some sharp pain a few times. Drew is going to scrape my quads tomorrow since we did hard tissue work yesterday. Rolled out and game readied

HR 65

2 mile warmup, strides then started. 2 laps and straight into an 80%. A mile on the track, a mile on the block lap, a mile on the track. Hit 6:01, 12:32 (6:31), 19:23 (6:51). 6:28 average. I was not in a good place mentally. Almost dropped out after 2 miles but then told myself to suck it up, what was 4 more laps? And it didn’t feel that hard, an indication I didn’t work hard enough haha. That last one I dogged just trying to finish. I was surprised I hit what I did, it honestly felt so slow. I thought for sure it’d be above 20 minutes so I was happy that it wasn’t. 

Told myself to toughen up, stop being so negative and just finish the workout. Ran over to the hill, I’d missed the first 2 repeats but I did the last 7. Weights after and got my quad and lower leg scraped out. Rapid rebooted.

Just trying to stay positive. Most likely need to lower my expectations. Might reevaluate a few things and come up with a plan for what to work towards going forward, seeing as I won’t be traveling. I’m learning to find the positive in comments from my teammates and let go of jealousy and frustrations. This will be a good strengthener for me because I’ll be able to learn how to let things bounce off and focus more on the positive, pushing through and doing what I can to improve, rather than comparisons and the negative thoughts that press down on me. It’ll help humble me and help others up instead of focusing on my own struggles. Because in the end, what does it matter if I achieve what I want if it doesn’t affect someone else in a positive way, too?

HR 55

Today’s workout was pretty tough. We did warmups, 2 mile warmup and strides before starting. Workout was 4x400s with 3 minutes rest, 4x300s with 2 minutes rest, 3x200s with 90 seconds rest, 8x100s with 15 seconds rest. All at mile pace or faster. My goal pace is 5:20, so 80, 60, 40, 20. Originally it was going to be 6x400s but then coach changed it. After the 300s he also said if we felt like we needed to drop out we could. I was surprised. None of us did. I think he said that because it’s the third day of speed this week for everyone and we know our bodies well enough to know when it’s not a good idea to push etc. I like that coach allows us to decide and judge what we can handle. It helps prevent injury.

Anyways, times went:

400s: 78, 79, 78, 79

300s: 56, 56, 59, 58

200s: 37, 38, 38

100s: 18, 20, 20, 19, 19, 19, 19, 18.

Starting out, those 400s felt harder than normal. At that effort I thought it’d be 76-77 range. But my legs felt heavy. I felt like it was a good workout though and under 5:20 pace, so I met my goal. Cooled down to 8 with Madison and Haley. Weights, rolled out, glute challenge for hip rehab (45 seconds/exercise), then quad/toe/hip exercise for knee. Noticed my VMOs weren’t fully firing so addressed those briefly, we’ll work more on them tomorrow. Knee is feeling better than yesterday and Tuesday

Later did 3x10 pushups and 3x25 crunches. Didn’t I say I was bad at doing core daily? Lol attempt number 2, going to try to do this daily for 2 weeks straight. Then I’ll bump it up, but I’ve got to start small haha. Baby steps. I also forgot to take my pulse this morning... sigh.

Coach made a side comment today about needing the women’s team to be bigger and the men’s to be smaller... we have like 40 guys and only 11 girls. Lol.

I decided that I’m going to stay positive about everything and focus on what I enjoy. Because I really do love it here, even though it’s hard. And I’ll just expect not to travel with the team so I don’t keep getting disappointed. I’ll go to the local meets in outdoor if I can and it’s not all about racing. I like seeing the improvements I make even in practice. And the 80% yesterday wasn’t half as bad as I thought, last year at this time I ran 19:47. I compared it to the 18:52 I ran a month or so later. But I also wasn’t at my best yesterday and realistically could’ve been right around there if I’d pushed the last mile like I was supposed to instead of settling. Next time.

I started up medication finally, got prescribed two different kinds one is the regular everyday one that will make gradual changes in the brain for both depression and anxiety (takes a few weeks to start working) and the other is for immediate relief for extreme anxiety. I took the immediate one yesterday a couple hours before bed because I was getting so stressed out about anything and everything. It actually worked, I stopped worrying about things, felt physically more relaxed, it was weird. I guess I’ve been so used to always worrying I haven’t known what it’s like to not stress about things, even though there were still things to stress about... if that makes sense? It was really, really nice actually. Feeling better about taking medication now, I was hesitant haha. Side effects, if any occur, should only last one or two weeks. And hopefully I’m not allergic lol. 

I was surprised by how I felt today. Not that sore, my legs are just a little heavy. Much better than I was expecting!

Today’s workout was a 60% and this was hands down the best 60 I’ve done. I don’t know what it was but I felt so smooth and relaxed. Coach said at the beginning that I was technically in my own group with a goal pace of 6:35-7:00, but I could try to keep up with the group if I wanted. I was kind of relieved to have a slower range because I didn’t worry about hitting pace or having a hard standard to hit, I knew I could hit within the range and with it being slower I wouldn’t have to stress if I was hitting slower especially since it’s the last day of speed/effort. But I determined to stay with the group for as long as I could. It was a small group today. It ended up being just Madison, Haley and I to go the full 5. I kept up until about 3.5 miles in, then I got the worst stomach cramps in the world. And it was a windy last mile +. And I started thinking too much about how I felt, lost my rhythm. I need to work on strength.

My first 3 miles were faster than my 80% earlier this week... haha. Splits were:

6:15, 12:30 (6:15), 18:44 (6:14), 25:13 (6:29), 32:32 (7:19). Averages out at 6:30

Yeah my last mile sucked but I’m super happy about the first 4. Coach asked me if I’ve been sandbagging it this whole time haha :) the first 4 miles were faster than I ran the road race in at the beginning of Cross.

I hopped in coach’s car right after instead of doing some cool down with Haley and Madison because my stomach hurt so bad. My body hated me for pushing it hard for so long haha. After a bathroom break back at the track I did a mile of cool down that was still a struggle haha. I guess that’s just an indication I worked hard :) lol

Hip rehab, rolled out, worked on activating my VMO some. Stretched out then called it a day

HR 58

Easy run, 7:58 average. I’m pretty worn out from this week and it was nice to relax. Super windy this morning. The last mile was a struggle. My throat is a little sore, I hope I’m not getting sick.

Bad depression day. Not for any good reason. Struggled to do life like normal, missed my classes and weights and a banquet because I couldn’t summon the willpower to go. But I managed to go to work, go for a run (practice was on our own today), and do a few small things around the house. It’s the tiny victories that count sometimes.

I’m sick and getting sicker. Had bad period cramps today, too. Did Dikes + Canyon from my house and called it at 5.75 because my lungs and throat hurt.

Had my biweekly meeting with Coach. He’s happy with the direction I’m heading. Said I’m not quite there yet but I’m “not falling off the backend either.” I guess that’s improvement from the summer. 

Elizabeth Smart came to SUU. What horror she endured, she’s inspiring. I liked how she focused on moving on from the trauma and not allowing it to take away more of her life. What a strong woman. 

Found out right after that meeting that my old YW president passed away today. Nancy did so much for me. Nancy was kind of like my second mom for a few years. At least she’s not suffering anymore. She was an amazing woman.

Hard day. 

HR was 80 this morning. I’m not feeling well today, headache, congested, beginnings of a cough, backache, sore throat. Paul said it’s a good idea to take today off and rest, so that’s what I’ll be doing. No running

HR still high at 71. I don’t feel as fatigued as yesterday though. Body aches are mostly gone. Throat is still a bit sore. My sinuses have cleared and my headache is pretty much gone, so overall much better than yesterday. Slightly worried about running because I know it’s going to kill my throat and chest, and I have a slight cough that can be painful, but I’ll see how it feels. 

It was so cold today, and there’s so much snow we were running in the road. Kinda sketchy. I stopped for a sec about .25 in to retie my leggings cause they were falling down, unfortunately that meant I either had to catch up to the group or run alone the rest of the way. I tried for maybe .15 to catch up then said screw it and slowed. I wasn’t feeling good enough to go 7:00 pace or under just yet, even for a quarter. Got to Main and my lungs/throat weren’t having it, I could either flip and go back the same way or try Main. I went for Main because I knew I could just take the second road that goes alongside it for a while and be out of the street, then depending on how far the snow was plowed I’d finish Main or go down 300 W or another side street. It was sketchy. Wouldn’t recommend. Definitely took 300 W, plus I wouldn’t have lasted 5.5 miles. My head started pounding after 3ish miles and I was coughing sporadically, felt like I was going to cough up a lung. Luckily it’s not phlemy. Went into the training room and coughing got worse, couldn’t stop, asked Drew for a cough drop. After a minute or so I was fine. Rolled out then asked Drew what he wanted me to for rehab, he told me I could go home and rest if I felt that would be better. Texted Paul because technically we have weights today, he said I should go home and not to worry about making it up later in the week (I felt bad especially since I’d also missed Monday’s weights), and to just rest. So that’s what I’m going to do right now, now that I’ve gotten dinner and showered etc. I’m exhausted.

7:57 average.

I’m pretty sure I have the flu. Had a dangerously high fever tonight of 104.9. No wonder I felt so hot haha. Now I feel bad for going to practice, I hope no one else gets sick

Holy crap. I’m shocked at how quickly my fever went away. I started to feel warm last night around 8pm, thought it was just because I was huddled up in blankets. Asked Madison if I felt warm, she said maybe a little bit, I thought mmm I’m probably fine. I’ve had false alarms before where I’m only warm because of being in bed. But then I started feeling really warm around 9, my cheeks and lips were burning. But my body was cold, only felt good when under blankets. Started asking around for a thermometer because I didn’t have one, my roommate from last year had one and brought it over around 10. She’s so kind. Turns out I had a fever of 104.9. Paul said I should go to the emergency room ASAP, that really wasn’t good. I called my mom because, you know, a trip to the emergency room is expensive. She said if I could get it to drop below 102, I could wait for a clinic in the morning. Took ibuprofen, my neighbor came over at 10:30 and gave me a priesthood blessing, and right after that my fever had dropped to 100.7. By 11:30 I was back to 98.5. What a miracle. And this morning I’m still normal. I feel so much better. 

Paul said not to run today. One more day will go a long ways

HR 49

Drove up to Salt Lake for Nancy’s funeral tomorrow. I’m feeling so much better than before, fever is gone, chills, body aches, and headache are gone and my appetite is back. I just have the remnants of a sore throat and cough. I’m pretty exhausted and have been for most of the day but I’ll go to bed early tonight. 

Did Shriner’s run and VA loop in Salt Lake, got up on 11th Avenue at the perfect time to see the view of the valley and sunset. It was gorgeous. 7:33 average.

HR 51

I never knew how great an impact a person can have on the world until I met Nancy. Nancy was the kind of person that made you feel like her favorite every time you talked to her. She had a special ability to love everyone and make them feel loved. It wasn’t anything specific that Nancy did for me that showed me she cared, it was the way she lived her life, how she taught me in church, how she checked up on me and congratulated me on things I was too shy or embarrassed to say in good news minute of YW (things my friends always pointed out for me), how she’d seem genuinely upset that I never spoke up and told her the good things happening in my life (she was one of the ones that helped me to come out of my shell), how she always made me feel loved despite my intense insecurities. It was her support for me at times I needed it most. She took in my brother when he was struggling to live at home, when my parents knew it was time for him to have some space from the family and cool out (he has major anxiety, depression and bipolar disorders, as well as occasional rages that would turn violent if escalated). She cared and loved him like he was her own son. She made it possible for him to continue and graduate high school and provided a service to my parents that meant our whole family’s world. She loved and cared for me in ways I can’t even explain, she taught me lessons that I’ve carried with me throughout my life that have shaped who I am today. Even though she wasn’t my mom, in those critical years of high school she was the third guardian, a living angel, that I needed. Her kindness, her example, her laughter, her fun energy, her strong faith in Jesus Christ, her focus on others rather than herself, her ability to focus on the positive in every situation and turn a trial into a positive learning experience every single time, all of it left its mark on those who knew her. She was truly one of the most amazing women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. 

7:52 average. HR 48

HR 52

Today felt harder than it should’ve, but that’s probably because of the time I took off last week. Plus it was icy from the storm this weekend. Haha, as coach put it, it’s February so don’t worry about the weather, it’ll always be cold and snowy. Then in March the snow disappears and is replaced with 100 mph winds! Haha it was pretty funny, and kinda true lol. We did Dikes today, 7:42 average. Then rolled out, weights, and knee/hip/quad rehab. I still feel pretty tired, I’m like but why?? I’m better aren’t I? But then I realized I’m just impatient and want to be back to normal right now, and it’s ok if my body hasn’t fully recovered. I got better relatively quick for having the flu, I suppose it would make sense that I still feel exhausted. I’m ready for bed and it’s only 6:30. But I have homework to do :/

Other than feeling tired I’m almost completely better. Still have a lingering cough and a slight sore throat but much improved from last week.

HR 54

I am overly exhausted. I still feel so tired after 12 hours of sleep, went to bed pretty early last night. 

Took a 2 hr nap, I was still really tired and struggled to get up for practice (my alarm went off and I kinda just wanted to keep sleeping) but I forced myself to get up. Coach said to do half distance today, I was planning on 4 since that’s half but I was struggling even after 1 mile. Pace felt fast even though it wasn’t, I felt like I’d been hit by a train. I called it at 3. I still just want to sleep but I’m going to get some homework done, go to class at 6:30 and then I can sleep after that. Idk what’s up.

HR 48

I was still pretty tired today, but not as unbelievably exhausted as I was yesterday. So I decided to try the 60%. Coach wanted me to keep up with the group for all 5 miles because of how well I did last time we did a 60%, I got a little anxious about that because I wasn’t feeling great today. But I attempted it. I started to fall back about 2.25 miles in and decided to stop with a couple other girls only going 3 miles of the 60%. Splits were 6:19, 12:30 (6:21), 19:06 (6:36). Averages out at 6:22. Not as great as last time, but still decent, especially considering how I felt.

HR 45

Coach told me to do a 50% and pickups today instead of the workout, so that’s what I did. There ended up being a small group of us: Brighton, Julieta, Josie and I. We did Cross Hollows. I didn’t feel great today, plus it was rainy and pretty windy. Ended up averaging 7:37. There were some good-ish pickups that were sub-6:30 pace and some other parts of the run where I struggled to hit below 7:55 pace. It was just one of those meh kind of days.

2.5 miles warmup (7:15 average, kinda quick for warmup). Then strides and started. Today’s workout was 5x600s, but after the 4th I called it quits. I should’ve done the last one but I just felt awful. I told Paul I was sorry and he said not to be sorry, that we all have those days. I felt a little better after that. I was really frustrated because I was really trying to run 5:20-5:30 pace but I honestly couldn’t. I was working so hard and felt like I was running 80s but I was way off. It was also SOOO windy so that had a factor, but still. The second and fourth had an extra 200 into the wind and first and third had an extra 200 with the wind to our backs. Going into the wind was like hitting a wall and not being able to move haha. Times were 2:05, 2:18, 2:18, 2:25. So averaged 2:16 (6:05 pace). It was a struggle bus.

Drew wants me to see the doctor on Wednesday to make sure nothing else is going on. I’m probably just recovering from being sick, but I am still very fatigued. Seeing the doctor won’t hurt I guess. Rolled out and hip rehab

HR 50

According to some tests I have severe depression and moderate anxiety. I already knew I had them, but I wasn’t sure to what extent or which one was more prevalent etc. and it’s relieving to have it confirmed. Sometimes I am hard on myself and believe I should be fine or stronger because I’m in great physical shape and outwardly appear to be fine. And everyone else seems to have their lives together, but mine feels like it’s falling apart. But you know, you can be in great physical shape and still have your mental health in the gutter. That’s where I’m at right now.

I might emergency withdraw from this semester. I haven’t completely decided yet, but that’s what I’m leaning towards so I can figure life out and relieve some stress, even if it’s just temporary.

My dad asked if I thought running and school together were too stressful for me. Not going to lie, it is very stressful to be a collegiate athlete, especially one that is fighting for a chance to even compete. I’m putting in all the hard work required but miss out on the opportunities to see those benefits, except for in workouts. And I have been for years. But with the strict training regimen I put my body through and the difficulty and stress that comes with it, it’s almost not worth it if the overall result is a decrease in satisfaction in life. But, the whole thought of giving up collegiate running is one I’ve never seriously considered before. Sure it’s popped up a lot but I’ve always brushed it off because running is what I love to do and it’s been my life for 7 years. I always felt like quitting was just giving up and accepting that you’ll never amount to anything. I thought the answer was to maintain a positive attitude and endure. But maybe there’s more to it, maybe it’s just moving on to bigger and better things that will provide you with a happier, healthier, and more fulfilling life.

I don’t know if my sudden propensity for change is stemming from the depression and anxiety, hence why I want to withdraw from classes and figure my life out before making any big decisions regarding the next few years. I figure doing that is better than working myself to death and letting my mental health deteriorate any further. My depression has started to bring my thoughts into dangerous territories, it has interfered with my functionality in my everyday life, and I don’t like the direction I’m headed. So I feel it’s time to take a break and figure things out.

I’m just scared to run it by my coach and actually go through with it. I need to figure out the logistics and what I’ll do for the next 6 months if I do withdraw. 

Snowy run. Took it easy, 8:01 average. Felt nice, I was able to work through some thoughts.

I’ve narrowed down part of my decision. Truth is, I don’t want to quit track or cross country. I know it’s stressful, I know that it’s difficult, but I really do enjoy it. And more opportunities might open up within the next couple years to travel if I continue to improve, and even if my situation stays the same the whole time I’d still love to work hard to improve off my high school times. Even if it’s just one meet. I don’t want to give up on that just yet, and I can use workouts as measurements of improvement and find joy in that. Also, by continuing to run I’ll most likely still have a scholarship. And really, there are so many benefits from it like the available resources for student-athletes and the positive effect running and exercise in general has on depression. Having a team and coaches counting on me to be at practice helps me to get out and run on the days my depression is particularly debilitating.

Canyon with Josie for the first couple miles, then I stopped at the bathroom. My stomach didn’t feel great. Then on the way back ran into the conference girls, ran with them for a little then flipped around and headed back to the track. The last couple miles felt good. 7:34 average

My left leg is a tight mess. IT band and tibialis anterior in particular. It’s what’s causing my knee pain. Hip rehab and a VMO exercise (my neuromuscular control still needs improvement, my left VMO was difficult to keep contracted), lots of rolling out, stretched and got leg rubbed out. It hurt pretty bad but knee felt a lot better after

After talking with our academic coordinator I feel a lot more hopeful about things. I think I’m going to continue with this semester. I’ll talk with my professors and see if they have any suggestions or pointers. I know it’s the harder option and will be difficult with my depression but it’ll be for the best. It’s better for me to do what I can right now and make progress towards my degree than to take a break and start over. I’m going to have to dig down deep and grit out the tough days even when I don’t feel like I can. I’ll just focus on one thing at a time and stay productive. Then when I don’t feel like I can face the day, I’ll coach myself through it and focus on the small things I’m able to accomplish. It’s all about perspective and continuing to move forward. Even if you move at a snail’s pace to do what needs done, at the end of the day you’re still that much closer to your end goal than you were before.

Felt short of breath today. And pretty tired by the end. Felt like I’d just done a long speed workout instead of an easy 50%, it was strange. 7:31 average. Hip and quad rehab, rolled out, stretched. My leg bruised from the massage yesterday so we didn’t do anything with it today.

I’m curious about my iron levels, I’ve been low before. Might check it

8:12 average. Almost didn’t go running at all but I forced myself to. I shut off my mind and just ran, stopped trying to coach myself through my depression. It was a release of sorts to just experience it without trying to understand why I felt so sad. I alternate between being apathetic/anxious about my lack of desire to do anything (including eating or getting out of bed) and being intensely sad, hopeless, and not caring about anything. I don’t know which one is worse. 

Got extremely sad when I realized the last time I felt truly happy and upbeat about life was 10 months ago. I’ve never had a severe depressive episode last this long before. Sigh. I’ll just continue to run and do things I enjoy, or used to enjoy. Experience what it feels like to truly laugh and love and relax. Somehow. Without faking it. Remembering the good times today was actually a good thing, even though it made me stop and cry in the middle of my run. Because I remembered back to what it felt like to not be severely depressed. To be hopeful, content, happy, and excited about things. I’d forgotten what that felt like, my life has been so dull trying to make it through one more month, week, or even just through the day on particularly bad days. But now I’m reminded that there is more to life than this drudgery. Things will get better, eventually. 

Ferritin is low (for a runner) at 26, iron high at 200. Bilirubin high at 1.6. Negative for mono and everything else is normal. Drew says we’ll talk monday

Started along Dikes and Thomas came up behind me, he slowed to my pace and we ran together for a couple miles. It made the run go by faster :) Then once we got to campus he was finished and I ran to Walmart and back home. I was short of breath and felt lightheaded at the end. 7:43 average

I found this on the internet:

“Iron is essential for athletic performance. It is the component of hemoglobin in your red blood cells that transports oxygen to your cells and carries carbon dioxide away. The brain also relies on oxygen transport, and without enough iron, you will find it hard to concentrate and feel tired and irritable. Iron is also needed to maintain a healthy immune system. If you don't have enough iron you may be prone to more frequent infections.”

“If your bilirubin levels are higher than normal, it’s a sign that either your red blood cells are breaking down at an unusual rate or that your liver isn’t breaking down waste properly and clearing the bilirubin from your blood.”

Couldn’t sleep at all last night. At 5:30 I decided it was “morning” and went for a run. It was actually nice and peaceful. 7:34 average.

I finally fell asleep around 11:45 after class (I was able to go today so that’s an accomplishment) I slept until 3:15. Weights was at 4 and I really didn’t want to go, I was so tired and just wanted to keep sleeping. But eventually I convinced myself to get up and go. Coach I said to gauge how fatigued we were and decide how many sets we do (3-5), I was very much fatigued so I did 3. He had a whole speech about being fatigued and how he knows sometimes it’s pure willpower to get up and go running/work out, I was thinking man you have no idea lol. It was a nice stress relief. Game readied my knee after because it was hurting. 

My depression has been taking its toll, that’s for sure. I’ve alternated between hypersomnia and insomnia, I’ve also alternated between missing meals and binge eating sweets, I’ve almost completely lost my appetite for regular food, I am unable to focus or concentrate for more than 5-15 minutes, I have lost all motivation and don’t enjoy things I used to (now they feel more like a drag and sometimes I actually dread doing them), I’m irritable and get headaches and chest tightness from excessive thinking/stressing.  And I’m very overwhelmed with everything I need to do but can’t.

At this point I’m sticking with my decision to stay in classes, I’ve figured out that I can fail anatomy and still be eligible for cross next semester so I think I’ll give up trying in that class and focus on getting my others up (I’m currently failing all my classes, which is discouraging too because I had a 3.6 until this year). I talked to Paul and he suggested I go to CAPS instead of just seeing the sports psychologist because in his experience sports psychologists are better at motivating for sports and playtime rather than dealing with life, and CAPS might be more beneficial. So I went in and now just have to wait for them to set up appointments, not sure how long it’ll take. This is my third time trying to set things up with them but I think I was too busy before for it to work, and I was like nah it’s fine I can see the sports psychologist whenever I want since I’m an athlete so I’ll stick with that. I’m also switching medications soon because obviously the one I’ve been taking is not working. Paul also helped me set up an appointment with the academic coordinator for tomorrow, in hopes that she’ll be able to set me up with tutors to help me through the non-concentration bit, and hopefully actually be able to do what I need to. I’m grateful for all the help and resources available to me.

As for right now, I’m just overwhelmed and stressed out because it kinda feels impossible to do well in classes in my current state, but I’ll just push forward and hope that things get better eventually and do my best. I feel a lot better about pushing myself and trying even if I’m not sure if I can succeed rather than giving up completely, wasting time, and trying again later when I feel better. 

It was 49 degrees and sunny! I met up with Haley, Sam, Morgan and Julieta today. We did parks to hospital loop, 7:21 average. I felt good until just under 4 miles in, that’s when the fatigue set in. The last 3 miles were kinda rough, I just felt so tired. Then hip and knee rehab, both felt good today :) Rapid rebooted

I met with Paul and our academic coordinator this morning. Angie was able to set me up with tutors. That will help me a lot. I start tomorrow. I’m grateful for all the help and support, both on this blog and from friends, family, coaches and resources on campus. Thank you all for your kindness :)

Met with a tutor today for the first time, it was really helpful. Concentrating is really difficult so having someone there to help was really nice. I’ll be meeting with one every day.

Yesterday was a good day, I was able to go to class and keep myself moving. Today, not so much. I missed class again, though I did go see the tutor. Then went home to sleep. I also missed weights. I saw the doctor tonight and got a new prescription for anti-depressants since the one I’ve been taking for over a month isn’t working. This new one is close to the one that gave me an allergic reaction two years ago but it’s kinda the one I need. He said it’s as close to it as you can get without it actually being it, so I think that means I shouldn’t have an allergic reaction? We’ll see. It can cause nausea which I’ve had as a side effect for other medications so that kinda sucks but it should only last a couple weeks. I also feel a little better now because I’ve had suicidal thoughts and he said he’s not worried, it’s one of the most normal abnormalities. And common with depression. I thought I was going insane so that’s actually reassuring, the problem is when you want to act on it. Which I don’t. Depression just sucks.

7:21 average

Well, that was longer than intended... I sorta got stranded :/ lol. At least I got some mileage in.

We met as a team in the centrum for a picture for Alumni something or another since we won conference in Cross. There were a lot of people there for high school basketball state championships, ha. Then Angie, Julieta and Haley were going to do a 60% on farm run, Sharlie and Morgan were going a little later for just a 50%. I wanted to get it over with so I opted for the 60%, and I haven’t done a workout in a while so I thought it’d be good for me. We did it on farm run, I didn’t feel great but that’s kinda the norm now. Oh well.

Mile warmup then started the 60%. We started slower than normal, which actually felt pretty slow surprisingly. I guess I was expecting to have to push it but it was nice and relaxed. 60%s I think are my new favorite workout. Second mile is where it hit me, I got tired real quick. I stopped for a second after 2.25 miles because I felt awful, my stomach was hurting and the fatigue had set in. I thought to myself, “man I just want to go home and sleep.” The new normal. Then I fought that thinking no I can’t sleep all the time! I’m stronger than this. Just finish to 3 miles of the 60%. So after that minute of debate with myself I started again, hit the 3 mile and thought screw it at least go to 4! So I did. But I was so exhausted by then. My legs and lungs felt fine. It was my energy levels that were so low. And my gut was killing me and there was no bathroom in sight. So I called it at 4.

Splits: 6:24.86, 12:49 (6:24.53), 19:24 (6:34.73) - the one with the 1-2 minute break in the middle, 26:06 (6:42.27). Averages out at 6:31. 

Then cooled down. We’d left Julieta’s car at the 7 mile mark, though I’d fallen back and Angie needed to be somewhere so I sorta expected them to leave. I should’ve turned back at 3 miles instead of going the whole way. Oh well! Like I said, I got miles in :) very slow, fatigued miles but eh whatever. 9.5 miles total of running, plus I walked about a mile on the way back because I wasn’t feeling it

Coach said practices will start up again on Monday. We’re between seasons right now. And I think coach sensed our team was tired so he gave us a break

I’ve sort of lost my love of running, but I think that’s from the depression. Maybe with workouts starting up again next week I’ll get some of it back. One of my teammates is going through depression and lost her love of running, too. It’s nice to know I’m not alone, even though I don’t see her much anymore. She’s actually the one that informed me about the emergency withdrawal, since that’s what she did. Everyone’s got their own struggles and I think the best thing to do is help others with theirs.

Today was the first time in I don’t know how long that I’ve actually started to get excited about something, or felt any positive emotion really, in a while. Instead of just remembering what it was like, I realized that’s not just a thing of the past but I could get excited and feel good today or tomorrow unexpectedly. And that gives me hope that things will get better eventually. It’s like a dark blanket has been lifted, even if for just a moment. Reminded me of how life normally is when not depressed, I’d forgotten 

It was also warm today! 56 degrees and sunny. 23 mph wind but we’ll forget that part :) lol. Gusts were strong. 7:45 average 

Things I’m looking forward to: practices starting back up and finding excitement and happiness in running again, going home to see my family, and a Vegas trip I have planned with my friends

No running. I was dreading it and didn’t have the energy so I pushed it off and pushed it off, then I forgot I promised Maddy I’d go to the library with her and get a pizza (the real way to study lol) and that seemed more appealing. Still didn’t study at all but got some insurance crap figured out for my new medication I’ll hopefully get on Monday. And I got out of my house, which I didn’t wanna. I should’ve gone running

Warmups, mile warmup, 80%. After 3 laps I was already exhausted.

Mile splits: 6:16, 6:59 (13:15). Dropped after two miles. It’s hard to fight/push myself nowadays. I’m exhausted, not motivated, apathetic, I’ve lost the positive-thought mental coach within me. I simply didn’t care about how the workout went, I was just fighting my own bad thoughts.

Cooled to 5, I was planning on more but again, I was exhausted and didn’t have the will to work through it. Skipped weights again, sigh.

I’m trying to switch my attitude from “it’s too hard I can’t do it” to “yes it’s hard but just do what you can.” Not going to lie on days like today that is really difficult. But I’m actually pretty happy with myself because I met with both tutors today, I went to class and I got myself to practice even though that was really, really hard for me. But I fought it and went even though I was dreading it. I knew I was not in any mental spot to do a workout today, especially 1000s (I always struggle with those even when I’m feeling good). I knew if I tried it I could crank out one maybe two but then I’d drop, so I asked coach if I could just do a distance run today. He said absolutely, I was surprised by that. Half our team (5 of us haha) went on a distance run today and the other half did the workout

Main Street, my watch died so I didn’t get the pace. Nice and easy. Rehab after. 

I’m really not doing well. I went to CAPS today instead of going to practice. I’ve lost all hope and I’ve become fixated on suicide, started planning out how I’d do it and thought about writing a note in case I do commit suicide soon. Then I asked myself what I was doing, do I really want to die? No, but I don’t want to live either. Not in this hell. I’m done trying to suffer through and force myself to do things I dread doing, I just want to stop trying. And not feeling anything, no happiness, no sadness, just nothing is literally the worst thing. I only cry when I think about having to push myself to do something I dread doing, or when I try to feel any emotion at all. The thought of suicide makes me feel something. Not happy, not sad. But it calms me down. My thoughts stop racing and I visualize it. So basically, I don’t trust myself anymore. I talked to my friend James last night, he called me randomly and asked if I wanted to go get ice cream. He’s spontaneous like that. I said sure. We went on a drive for like an hour. He said he has been depressed before and understands to some extent what it feels like, but that he doesn’t have depression so not entirely. Out of the blue he asked if I was having suicidal thoughts. I told him yes. I almost lied but I trust him enough. He told me that for what it’s worth he thinks I’m dope, ha. But that if I commit suicide I’ll be surprised to learn, unfortunately from the other side of the veil, that even those that I don’t think care actually do. I know deep down people do care, but I don’t think people should. I’m not worth the trouble, I only bring people down. Anyways, it was when I started thinking about swallowing a bottle of pills in my hand that I decided I probably need help. Before I do something stupid. That was last night. I texted the crisis text line from 10:30pm-12:20am, it was only towards the end that I started to snap out of it. Then this morning I cancelled both my tutoring appointments, a planned lunch with Angie, and decided to go back to sleep instead of going to class. I dreamed about committing suicide. When I woke up I looked at my iron supplement pills (different bottle), the label said high fatality risk for accidental overdose, I thought perfect. I can overdose on these. It’s almost completely full. Then I put the bottle down and went to CAPS. After talking to the crisis counselor, I’ve decided I’m going to stay with Ruthie until I go home on Friday for spring break. She can monitor me. That’ll carry me through at least another week. Idk if a week will make much of a difference, but maybe spending time with my family and Ruthie, people I know care about me, will remind me why life is worth living.

I was hospitalized Thursday and released this afternoon. I met with a second therapist on Thursday after taking the cap off the bottle of pills and pouring some in my hand before catching myself and talking myself out of it- mostly for my family. Paul walked me over to CAPS (he’d texted me after I missed practice on Wednesday asking if I was alright since I don’t miss regular practice without giving an explanation or asking permission first). This time around, I decided to be 100% honest with the therapist. She wanted to hospitalize me. On a scale 1-10, 1 being happy about life and 10 being I’m going to kill myself, I was at about a 6 when out in public but at a definite 10 within an hour of being alone. I was honest with her about that, then felt ashamed of myself for having those thoughts and feelings. She told me I was brave to be so honest, I could’ve lied my way out of being hospitalized, but I didn’t. I accepted that I needed help and went to the ER voluntarily, escorted by campus police and transferred to the Dixie Behavioral Unit in St. George via ambulance. I thought it was a bit much, but I guess I was a danger to myself. I tried to get out of the ambulance ride and ask a friend to drive me, but they wouldn’t let me. I guess they take these things very seriously, which is good. I was constantly watched while at the ER (spent several hours there) and couldn’t close the door to my room. I was okay until we got to the behavioral unit and they took my phone away. It was the last of all my things they took. That’s the first time I sobbed in front of strangers without even trying to hide it, I didn’t care anymore. I just wished I was dead. I had been told to change into a hospital gown at the ER then given scrubs to change into at the BU. They had to do a skin check to make sure I hadn’t cut or bruised myself in any way (I hadn’t), they thought I was anorexic because I’m so thin. But I’m not. They gave me a sleeping pill for insomnia and I slept well. In the morning they gave me lithium to quiet the suicidal thoughts and Prozac to stabilize my depression to a better mood/state. I stayed in bed the first half of the day and the nurses didn’t bother me, just did their 15 minute checks. I was a bit annoyed that again I couldn’t close my door. But I understood why. Then went to lunch where I discovered there were about 8 other patients in the mental/behavioral unit. I kept to myself, I certainly didn’t want to socialize. I hardly cared to be with even my best friends in that state. 

Over the next couple of days I made friends with the other patients and discovered what had brought them there. I was the first suicidal one to get there this weekend. The others came Friday night. Saturday night group therapy was cancelled because the staff were so busy. The Unit was moved into the new section very recently to open up a couple more spots, that night we were at max capacity (18 patients) and it must’ve been overwhelming for them. A patient was becoming violent and had to be sedated and another had a stroke and a seizure. So understandably, no group therapy. I talked with a couple women that night who were also suicidal, one had to be talked down from shooting herself by family and the other overdosed on Benadryl on impulse. Her mom got to her just in time. At that point I was feeling almost back to my normal self and I was horrified to realize I would’ve either died or gone through what she had if I hadn’t reached out for help.

While the mental ward was quite the experience, I have to remember I did go voluntarily (even though voluntarily and involuntary mean the same thing once you’re admitted- you’re not going anywhere. Except the involuntary are REALLY not). And I am grateful I did because I honestly think I would be dead right now if I hadn’t. I struggled for a while because I felt weak and subpar. My childhood therapist ended up coming to see me last night (I got special permission). I haven’t seen her since I was 18, when the state money ran out for my twin brother and I (we were adopted from Utah’s foster care system). She reminded me that I was prenatally exposed to meth and alcohol, that this isn’t my fault. I’d forgotten that part and was blaming myself for not being strong enough to fix it on my own. A book I read said sometimes true strength is found in those that are willing to be vulnerable and ask for help. My therapist caught me when I told her what was going on then ended it with “but it’s fine” like I always say. She said, “but it’s not fine.” She’s right, it’s not. Hence why I needed to be hospitalized.

I learned several new coping strategies, got put on new meds that work far better than any I’ve ever taken before and I have been given the setup to succeed and make it through. The psychiatrist believes the suicidal ideation was caused by stopping my meds two weeks ago (I believed they weren’t working when in reality, they probably were. But it was so subtle I didn’t notice, then when the meds ran their course, my brain freaked out and I crashed and burned). Much to learn from, I’m grateful to be alive and well. 

Crazy how fast cardiovascular fitness fades. It should feel better within a week. 7:51 average.

After seeing comments on my post yesterday (thank you all), I've realized I do have an opportunity to help other people that maybe struggle with depression and anxiety. So I will try to summarize some of the things I learned through my experience and coping strategies shared with us while in the hospital this past weekend. With all of these, they're not a cure-all. I know before I went to the hospital I believed that I must've been doing something wrong because no matter what I tried, I still struggled and felt terrible. These are just coping strategies and even though they don't always help and you might still struggle, it's okay. They're just things that can help. Treatments like medication or talk therapy might be needed.

ANXIETY

Threats to emotional well-being trigger the fight-or-flight response in your body. It's one of the tools your body uses to protect you from danger and when triggered, several physiological changes prepare you to either confront or flee from the threat. Those changes could include: increased heart rate, dizziness or lightheadedness, shaking, racing thoughts, nausea, sweating, difficulty concentrating, rapid/shallow breathing, and tensed muscles. When the anxiety is constructive it is good, such as when a deadline is approaching and it gets you to act and meet the deadline. When the fight-or-flight response leads to excessive anger, anxiety, prolonged stress, makes you feel stuck and unable to do what you need to, or other problems, it might be time to intervene.

With an anxiety disorder, the body has this response but in inappropriate ways. The response a person has depends on the anxiety disorder he or she has. With some disorders, the anxiety is way out of proportion to the threat that triggered it. With others, anxiety may occur even when there isn't a clear threat or trigger. Anxiety is an illness and it can respond to treatment like talk therapy and medicines.

In addition to the flight-or-flight response, your body can also initiate an opposing relaxation response. Many symptoms of the relaxation response counteract fight-or-flight, such as slower and deeper breathing, relaxed muscles, and a slower heart rate. The relaxation response can be triggered by using relaxation skills. One of those is deep breathing. Place a hand on your stomach. When breathing, you should notice it rising and falling with each inhalation and exhalation. Inhale through your nose for 4 seconds, hold your breath for 4 seconds, and exhale through your mouth for 6 seconds. Repeat- practice for at least 2 minutes, but preferably for 5-10 minutes. If it's not working, slow down. The most common mistake is breathing too fast. Counting out your breaths also serves a second purpose- it takes your mind off the source of your anxiety. When you catch your mind wandering, return your focus to counting.

A second one is mindfulness meditation. Aim to practice for 15-30 minutes a day. More frequent, consistent, and longer-term practice leads to the best results. However, some practice is better than no practice. Find a time and place where you are unlikely to be uninterrupted. Silence your phone and other devices, set a timer for your desired practice length. Sit in a chair or on the floor with a cushion for support. Straighten your back, but not to the point of stiffness. Let your chin drop slightly and gaze downward at a point in front of you. If in a chair, place the soles of your feet on the ground. If on the floor, cross your legs. Let your arms fall naturally to the sides with your palms resting on your thighs. If your pose becomes too uncomfortable, feel free to take a break or adjust. Because the sensations of breathing are always present, they are useful as a tool to help you focus on the present moment. Whenever you become distracted during meditation, turn your focus back to breathing. Notice the sensation of air as it passes through your nose or mouth, the rise and fall of your stomach, and the feeling of air being exhaled. Notice the sounds that accompany each inhalation and exhalation. It's normal that your thoughts will wander during mindfulness meditation. At times, it might feel like a constant battle to maintain focus on your breathing. Instead of struggling against your thoughts, simply notice them without judgement, again it's normal. Acknowledge that your mind has wandered and return your attention to breathing. Expect to repeat this process again and again.

Both of these techniques help to bring your focus back to the present moment. Oftentimes we stress about what's in the future or what happened in the past. Instead of stewing in these thoughts it's best to let them go, not worry about them, and focus on what you can do in the present moment. If you're wide awake at 2 in the morning stressing out about a job interview, that's not going to help you in any way. What can you do right now? Rather than staying stagnant and obssessing about how things could go wrong or how they went wrong, breathe, relax, meditate. Remember things will be okay and will work out in the end. You will make it through, one way or another. Then progress to do what you can do in the moment. In the job interview situation, that's falling asleep. Sleep will help you rest and be more alert and functional in the morning.

Keep in mind that you can't control everything about a situation. Change what you can and let it take its course. Exercise is a great way to relieve tension and help your body feel relaxed. Avoid caffeine and nicotine, which can make symptoms worse. Fight the temptation to turn to alcohol or unprescribed drugs for relief. They only make things worse in the long run. Consider online or in-person support groups. Try stress management techniques such as meditation.

One thing that my coach suggested I do a while back that helped with my anxiety was to allow myself to go out and have fun for a few hours rather than worry all the time about things. Then come back and do what needs doing. Again, relax and be in the moment rather than focusing so much on the issues of the past or the future. Do what you can about them, but try not to stress out to the point of not being able to get anything done.

DEPRESSION

Depression is much more than just feeling down all the time, as I’ve kind of explained in previous posts haha. Depression is also an illness, just like diabetes or heart disease. Would you tell someone with asthma to just breathe because there's plenty of air around them? No, probably not, their airways are closing and it's difficult for them to breathe (sometimes it's like trying to breathe through a straw). It's the same concept with depression. A person with depression can't just pick themselves up and be happy, even if they have everything in the world to be happy about. There are things they could do that can help improve their state, but it is necessary to remember that depression is an illness.

It is believed that a combination of genetic, biological, environmental, and psychological factors cause depression. Chemical changes in the brain may contribute to the symptoms. The brain controls all the workings of your body, including your emotions. It does this by using messages that travel from one nerve cell to another and from one brain region to another. Brain messages travel with help from chemicals called neurotransmitters. No one knows exactly what happens in the brain to cause depression but we do know neurotransmitters are involved. The two main neurotransmitters involved with depression are norepinephrine and seratonin. Antidepressants and talk therapy (the main treatments for depression) both change the levels of these neurotransmitters. In many cases, this relieves depression symptoms.

Now, there are things that can help someone manage and cope with depression. One is to look outside of themself and help someone else. This can get them outside of their thoughts and help them focus on other people rather than their own issues, which helps to provide a temporary relief and break from the spiral of depression (not to mention the person they helped feels better too!) Another is to keep a self-esteem journal (meant to help boost your self esteem. A person with depression tends to feel worse about themselves when their depression is more pronounced). Every day, write down three things that happened that brought about a good feeling. Some prompts could include: Something I did well today, Today I had fun when, I felt proud when, Today I accomplished, I had a positive experience with, Something I did for someone, I felt good about myself when, I was proud of someone else when, Today was interesting because, a positive thing I witnessed was, and so on. You could also keep a gratitude journal and write three things down each day that you are grateful for. This helps to train your brain to look for the positive.

Another thing they had us do was set life goals and analyze each category of life: family, friends, work/school, spirituality, body, and mental health. We wrote down what we were doing well in each category, where we needed improvement in each category, and then goals we had. This helps because with depression, we typically look only at the negative and forget the positive. When in the spiral, we can become so centered on fixing the things that are wrong and we forget about what we're doing right, what positive qualities we might have and so on. Doing this with anything will help to improve self-esteem and give direction on what you can do to improve. I think for me, a major part of it is my perfectionism. I feel a need to do everything perfectly, be perfect, and if I can't then I feel like I've failed. Then I start believing I'll never be good enough because no matter how hard I try, I still can't do everything right. Instead, acknowledging where I'm doing well and where I'm not, then making goals can help to relieve the stress and anxiety that might come with this probably-not-good-obsession with being perfect.

The main techniques to help with depression are thought-replacement techniques. One is called "Changing the channel in your brain." It uses thought-stopping and replacement thoughts to help you feel better. When a TV show comes on, do you have to keep watching it? No, you can switch to a show you like better. The thoughts in your brain are like that too. When you get stuck on a bad thought like "This hurts so much. It's never going to go away. I can't deal with this." You have the power to switch to a helpful thought. It takes practice, but you can do it. You can also create a positive statement to repeat to yourself when a bad thought comes to mind. You might say: "I can handle this. I can do hard things. I have coped with this before."

Sit or lie down in a quiet place and close your eyes. Notice when you have a bad thought that worries or upsets you or makes you feel worse. When you catch one, tell yourself, "That's a bad thought." After you've caught your bad thought, imagine yourself using a remote to change to a positive thought. Think about the thought you want to watch in your mind. Picture a good memory that makes you laugh or feel proud or happy. Build all the details so it feels like you're really there. Or think of something in the future you're looking forward to. Picture what it will look or feel like when you're doing that thing. Focus on all the details, like you're making a movie in your mind. Let your body relax as you focus on the new thought. Practice changing to a new thought in your brain whenever you catch your mind thinking unhelpful thoughts. Have a few different "shows" or memories you enjoy so you can always have something good to switch over to when you need it.

And the last thing I learned- not to wallow in your misery. Sometimes it can feel nice to just feel angry or sad or upset or hurt, but it's not good to stay there. Obsessing about it is only going to make you feel worse. Instead, allow yourself accept and feel it for a moment and then start doing something to either distract you or help you feel something more positive. If you still can’t stop feeling that low, tell someone about it. It increases norepinephrine and seratonin levels to talk through what’s on your mind.

Running kinda sucks right now but it’s ok. I’m short of breath. 7:45 average

Better day today. I am a bit done with hospitals - I had to go back for an appointment this morning. Shoveled walks for 3 hours, took a nap, then felt meh but went outside anyways. Roads were clearer than this morning. I took the trail to parks then to campus, Walmart and trail back home. About a mile into it I felt surprisingly good. Crazy how much easier running is when your spirits are a bit higher. That’s what spring break is for, eh? Glad to have a good day. 7:26 average

Observation- when I think about school I get stressed and spiral down into depression again. Solution- don’t do homework! Lol

Paul talked with me before the warmups and told me he only wanted me to do a couple miles today. I left feeling really bad because he said I scared the bejeebies out of him last week. And he said one of my teammates had called him crying when she found out (I don’t really know how she did, but I am grateful she reached out). I didn’t realize they cared that much. I’ve been overwhelmed by how many people have reached out to me saying they care and want to help, even despite my efforts to keep it secret from those I see every day. I have been embarrassed and ashamed of myself for what I almost did, but I just have to remember that wasn’t the real me and I got the help I needed instead of making that decision. Thanks to Paul and James and you folks on the blog for reaching out to me. And I guess maybe to some extent me for reaching out for help instead of keeping it entirely secret and going through with it.

Anyways, Paul said to do the warmup with the girls then help him time them on the workout. So a mile warmup then I asked Paul if I could do a mile of the 80%. He said he was okay with that. So 2 laps warmup then a mile. I hit 6:09, it felt nice and relaxed. I just tucked behind the second group. Then a couple more laps and helped Paul time. I hadn’t eaten much beforehand so I was a bit lightheaded 

7:52 average.

Met with my new therapist for the first time today, wow I’ve already learned so much. Apparently there was a study done a while back and doing 3 sprints a day is more effective in combating depression than 30 minutes of continuous exercise. HIIT training. Interesting.

Turns out I do have a mild form of anorexia. I didn’t think so, but my fear of gaining weight, wishing I was thinner, low self-esteem and eating habits say otherwise. I have so many issues. Oh well I’m in Vegas now so I can forget about them for the time being :) lol

I was readmitted to the Dixie regional hospital Saturday night after a phone call to my mom and she urged me to go. This time I went to the access center in St. George to avoid the ambulance ride (my dear friend Ruthie took me at 11pm, which was so kind of her. I think I freaked out my roommates though). Anyways, then I arranged to be transferred to Uni at the University of Utah and my dad came down to St. George and brought me there. I'm so glad it worked out- Uni is about 10 times better than Dixie. They took me off of Lithium and were curious to know why the psychiatrist at Dixie put me on it (for the suicidal thoughts), it must've helped for a little bit or maybe just being in a stress-free environment at Dixie helped ease the thoughts, but as soon as I started thinking about having to go back to class and track the thoughts came right back. So now I'm here, in Salt Lake at Uni. Not sure how long I'll be here, but at least a week. Treatment plan is to stay on Prozac and do ECT (electroconvulsive therapy). There are some potential side effects like headaches, memory loss, and fatigue and on rare occasions unintended siezures so I'm a bit nervous but it'll be alright. The thought of inducing a seizure seems a bit scary but somehow it helps with depression. At this point when I've tried several medications over a couple years and none of them have worked, ECT is looking like a good option.

I had an EKG done tonight and I have bradycardia (expected since I'm a runner) and a T wave abnormality, the doctor will assess it and see if I'm still okay to do ECT. The technician said it could be nothing, but we'll see

I will be emergency withdrawing from the semester seeing as I won't be able to go back to Cedar for a few weeks anyways. I feel bad about not being able to complete the semester, but I really, really tried. I quit my job, I dropped 2 classes, I resolved to fail anatomy and focus on my remaining 3 classes in order to still be eligible for cross country next semester, I got help from tutors and my academic coordinator and met with the sports psychologist, then switched to an actual therapist at the hospital rather than waiting after being on the CAPS waitlist for 2-3 weeks. I asked friends and Paul for help, and they did, but I just simply wasn't able to do it no matter how hard I tried. I hold myself to high standards and feel like a failure for it, but my therapist tells me depression is a disability and out of my control so I shouldn't be so hard on myself. But still, it's hard.

My mom gave me some really good news today- my dad talked to Coach over the phone and he's going to hold my scholarship so I will still have it next year. I was really worried I wouldn't so that is a huge relief.

This morning I started ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) in which they put me under anesthesia, gave me a paralytic so I wouldn't thrash about except for my right hand (so the doctor could tell when I was siezing) and induced a siezure by sending an electric pulse through my brain. For some reason doctors don't understand, it helps with depression. Something about balancing the chemicals in the brain, I guess. And they say it's the most effective treatment for depression, quicker and better than antidepressants. It usually takes 8-12 treatments and they usually do it every other day, except for at first to get a jumpstart on it. The first 4 treatments I have to stay at the hospital for, then after that I can come back and forth from home on treatment days. So about a  week? left in the hospital. Anyways, I was out for it so I don't remember any of it, but my mom was there and she said I was very confused when I woke up, had huge hiccups (I guess the diaphram is one of the first muscles to move again) and couldn't remember much of anything. I knew my name but when the doctor asked if I knew where I was I had no idea. I don't even remember that conversation, but my memory has improved significantly. The rest of the day I still had memory loss, and still do to some extent when I try to remember certain things (for example I had to ask the nurse if I took my antidepressant this morning, I did apparently but I have no recollection of it). My mom said I was white as a sheet when we had to part ways, I was very nauseated. Haha, she also said the first thing I did when I awoke was grab my leg and say, "ow my leg..." My muscles are very sore. Like the fourth day of effort and hard core weights sore. And I have a headache. So I stayed in bed until dinner. I could hardly eat anything because it hurt to open my jaw more than a centimeter or two (again sore muscles). Yayyy I get to do it all again tomorrow! Except it's in the morning so I won't have to starve myself- it'll just be a late breakfast since I can sleep through most of the time (no food 8 hours before and no water 5 hours before).

Had ECT done again this morning (they wanted to jumpstart me- normally they do every other day). I'm no longer nauseated and I don't have a headache anymore. Really the only things affected are incredibly sore calf muscles, a tight back, and being extremely fatigued. I slept away most of the day - one of the nurses tried to wake me up at 2pm but I couldn't keep my eyes open so she let me continue to sleep. Another nurse came and woke me up at 4:30 so I could get up in time for dinner - I hadn't eaten anything prior. I'm still rather tired and have moments where I feel as though I might black out, especially if I move too swiftly. I also have slight memory loss and confusion. But mostly I just have a hard time staying awake. All are normal side effects of ECT, just annoying.

My social worker spoke with me this morning before the first group meeting. She said I look brighter and better than I did when I first got here. I'm a little more present and pay more attention to the interactions of people around me. I feel a little better too, I don't want to hurt myself anymore so that's a plus. That deep darkness/sadness/despair is mostly gone. On a scale from 0-10 on how I'm feeling, 10 being the highest and 0 being the lowest, I'm about a 5 today. That's improvement from a 3 yesterday and a 2 the day before that. Today is a rest day, I will resume ECT tomorrow. If I keep improving I should be set to go home early next week, then finish out the ECT treatment every other day by coming back here to UNI. They also doubled my Prozac dose today, so now I'm at 40 mg. Not sure why? I must say, I'm surprised at how much the ECT has helped. I'd given up hope that anything would work since none of my antidepressant medications were doing anything except giving me side effects.

I had ECT done early this morning at 5:30 rather than 8:00. I've been pretty tired for the whole day and a bit dizzy and can't move too fast or I start to black out. The most noticeable and concerning one to me, though, is the short term memory loss. Well all of it is concerning, I certainly hope they go away once I am finished with ECT. I'm told they're all just side effects so I think they will. Anyways, I forget simple things like what the date is today, what day of the week it is, if I've talked to my coaches and if they know where I am, if there's something I need to do in order to withdraw (the plan for right now is to emergency withraw from the semester and move back in with my family until fall semester, my dad will probably drive with me back to Cedar to help me move). My high school friend visited me today and asked me if I remembered our friend's mom (and our YW president while we were in high school) passed away. I had forgotten until she mentioned it. Then I remembered coming up for her funeral a bit ago.

Also, wanna know something random? When they give me the anaesthesia in my arm it feels so cold and kinda good, but then I'm out. It's like a lot of vials pushed into my blood stream and it feels kinda cool. Not that I'm a druggy or anything haha. Or I guess I'm drugged up while I'm here so maybe I'm a forced druggy lolol

Also my mom said that when they're giving me ECT the machines always beep and freak out because both my heart rate and blood pressure are on the lower end, but the doctor tells her not to worry because I'm a runner and that's expected. I've had blood pressure as low as 90/60 after anaesthesia, at night it's been like 102/75 or higher, a couple times right at 120/80. For HR I think my lowest has been 46 or 48 (they check both every morning and every night).

Just had a meeting with the doctor, he said I look brighter and will maintain eye contact for longer where before I wouldn't and I smile more now. He said those are the things that he's noticed that have changed. You know, I kind of don't want to withdraw from the semester if I'm going to be feeling even better than I do now. I know I won't have the best grades but then I won't have to completely start over in the fall. I can continue to meet with tutors. I'll talk to my parents and see what they think, maybe I can just get an extension on assignments or something. Idk. And running might suck for a week or two after being stuck in here, but I still have another month... I guess I won't be able to go back to Cedar until around the 6th of April anyways. I'll think about it. I thought I was always going to be depressed and feeling good seemed like such a thing of the past. Hence why I became suicidal and wanted to hurt myself. It's hard to explain why that seemed nice, it's like feeling physical pain is a release from the turmoil inside and brings you back to the present. I'm just glad I'm not feeling like that anymore. I'm starting to feel excitement again and happier and things just feel brighter.

Oh, and the doctor also said that I can't drive for a week after I finish the ECT treatment because there is a risk that I could have an unintended siezure. So, yeah. I probably will have to withdraw even if I don't want to. I'd probably do better in track, too, if I waited for next season to use my eligibility. I can already tell I'm more motivated and excited to start running again, even if I am the slowest on the team. Our team is just really, really good, the best we've had in SUU history (2018 Women's Cross Country Big Sky Conference Champions! First time our women have gone to Nationals was this year! I really am so happy to be a part of such an amazing program. Maybe next year I can push my way up and help the team out in some way. I believe optimism, positivity, and hard work are the keys to success).

I'd say I'm about a 6 or 7 today on the scale I previously mentioned. We had a "fresh air break" tonight and I ran 11 laps (each lap was probably between 100-150 meters) before they called us inside. I started to get nauseated again towards the end. It felt so good to run again, though I wish I had my running shoes because running in boots kinda sucks. But they won't let us have any strings or laces here. Maybe next time I'll barefoot it on the grass

I'm pretty tired today. They woke me up for breakfast, then I went back to my room and slept until they woke me up for lunch. Today is a rest day for ECT. My mood is a 4 or 5 and I'm a bit bored. And kind of down for no reason. I have my next ECT scheduled for 5:30 tomorrow morning. I called one of my friends (I thought it was for the first time) and apparently I called her a couple days ago but I have no recollection of that phone call haha. ECT certainly messes with your memory. I was stunned when she said I've been here for about a week now, I remember only like 2 or 3 of the days this week.

I had ECT done early this morning at 5:30. This time around they induced two siezures instead of just one. I am really tired now and my memory is terrible. I slept through breakfast because I couldn't keep my eyes open. But I am feeling loads better than I did when I first got here. The staff all say that I look brighter, happier and more alive and so do my parents. They say I have more color in my cheeks. I really am so surprised at how much better I'm feeling, I never thought I'd feel this good ever again. I'm probably an 8 or 9 on the scale from 0 to 10, 10 being the best. I'm getting there slowly but surely. My mom says she's happy that I'm being so open about it and not ashamed when my friends come to visit or anything because it's a mental illness and not something that I would ever consider in normal circumstances. I never thought of it like that, but it's true. I definitely wouldn't consider it now because I am feeling so much better. My social worker talked about potentially discharging me from the hospital tomorrow morning, we'll see if that happens. She said it just can't be on a day I have ECT and my doctor has to be on board as well. And then I need to get a few other appointments set up.

I was released from the hospital this morning. It’s a bit shocking to realize how long I was in there for. With my memory being as bad as it is, it felt like I was only in there 4-5 days but I was actually there for 9. I got a doctor’s note so I can emergency withdraw from classes and Paul and Coach know what’s up. I’ve been feeling upwards of 9 on that scale 0-10 for the past couple days. Right now I’m a bit sad for no good reason, but overall I’m feeling good. About at a 7. I have to go back to the hospital every other day for a bit to continue my ECT treatments starting tomorrow. I’m not sure how many more times. I have to be monitored 24/7 because there’s a risk for unintended seizures. So I ran at a track during my sister’s soccer practice and my dad watched me run. 3 miles, 7:15 average. Felt surprisingly good. I think I’m driving my dad nuts because I keep asking him the same questions over and over again. I don’t remember asking them before is the thing haha

I had ECT done again this morning, except this time they induced two seizures instead of just one. It’s made me very fatigued and dizzy. I took a long nap and rested most of the morning/early afternoon. I’m not sure if I feel up to running today but we’ll see how I feel later this evening. 

Didn’t end up going running today. But it’s ok, it’s good to take a break sometimes. 

I am so relieved, I honestly believe coming to UNI saved my life. I’m starting to feel a night and day difference. I have a more treatment-resistant kind of depression, I’ve tried antidepressant after antidepressant and none of them have worked for me. I’d finally hit my breaking point and wanted to be done with life because I was so miserable and felt like I couldn’t do anything right.

I have not felt this good since my senior year of high school/a little into my freshman year of college. I’m not completely better yet, but I have hope again that things WILL get better. I’m starting to get excited about running again, I feel more positive and more happy, I’m excited for Cross now because running is such a mental sport and I know my depression has been holding me back big time. For the first time in over a year I know for a fact I can improve off my high school times if I continue to work hard. I’ve done it before and I can do it again :)

It’s still a bit unsettling to not be able to remember anything before this morning. I’m sure I’m driving my family nuts with all my questions, haha. My mom wrote up a list of my commonly asked questions with their answers for me to reference in the future. 

I almost went running by myself today but my mom stopped me and reminded me that I have to be watched 24/7. So I went with my dad and my sister to my sister’s soccer practice and my dad watched me run around a dirt track for 6 miles. 7:10 average. 

I’m feeling like I’m at an 8 or 9 today. Pretty good. 

I’m feeling really good today. About a 9 or 10! And bonus- I can actually remember stuff now! My parents were really surprised when I told them everything I did yesterday because until now I haven’t ever been able to remember what I did the day before. But I remember all of it :) I went to the Grand America with two of my high school friends, I went to my sister Hattie’s soccer practice and ran on a dirt track, and then I played with my younger sisters Millie and Tessa (they’re 7). 

Today I went to Fairmont with my family because Millie and Tessa really wanted to go swimming. I was wanting to go running, but since I have to be monitored 24/7 for unintentional seizures I knew I had to have someone come with me. I was trying to convince my parents to let my sister Hattie ride her bike by me or to have one of them drive me to a track or something, but my dad later told me that the doctor said something about not running on ECT days. I had ECT done this morning. I thought pshht doctors schmoctors, I’ll be fine! But after swimming with my family, I started to feel very faint. My mom asked me if I was okay and said that I’d gone sheet white. Yep, I had to sit down for a minute. I’d only had two bowls of cereal before that so that could’ve been the cause, but it also could’ve been the swimming. I might have to take it easy on ECT days, even if I’m itching to run. 

Yep, it must’ve been the swimming. I just ate and I still feel faint. So no running on ECT days.

I emergency withdrew from my classes today, so that stress is off my shoulders. I’ve never been so happy to click the mouse hahaha. I’m excited to experience what college is like when you’re not severely depressed. I think it will help out my running a ton, too. 

Didn’t end up running today. I had a reason, I just can’t remember what that was is the thing. It’s terribly frustrating. I’m losing my mind because I can’t remember anything

Trying to figure out housing for next year. I’m hoping to move to an upstairs room because being in the basement didn’t help my depression out at all. It’s very difficult to figure things out for the near future when you can’t remember anything. I’m just going in circles.

ECT early this morning. I have to be watched 24/7 because I have a slight risk of unintended seizures with my ECT treatments. So my sister Hattie was kind enough to come with me to Bonneville Elementary School in the afternoon and I ran laps while she played with her soccer ball. I’m already out of shape, sigh. But I was glad that I could run today. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to after becoming aware of how much swimming with my sisters the other day took out of me. But it wasn’t too bad :) 8:00 average

2 miles on the treadmill. I’m sore from yesterday, which is kind of sad.

I’m trying to figure out housing for next year. My parents are mad because the room I had this year is in the basement and doesn’t have a real window to outside, the window goes into the hallway, which then has a window to the outside stairway. It was probably the worst room for me to stay in since I struggle with depression. Currently trying to find a place and secure an upstairs room, found one close to campus that I really like and will probably take. It’s cheap, too. Just trying to work things out with friends so we can live together. 

My memory loss is driving me insane. I can’t remember the simplest things. Makes it really difficult to figure things out

Laps at Bonneville Elementary again. 7:40 average

My mom says that we have an appointment with the doctor Monday morning and he’ll determine if I need more ECT appointments or if I’m good now. I might not need any more. 

Went to my sister’s soccer practice and ran at the dirt track again. 4 miles, 7:02 average. I’m out of shape, stopped once two miles in to stretch and catch my breath. Next time I won’t!

They’re filming High School Musical 4 in my neighborhood (I’m an East High alumnus remember?), we drove by to try to spy Zac Efron but we couldn’t see him :(

Didn’t end up running today. I wasn’t in the mood to run laps at Bonneville Elementary or run on the treadmill (my only two options since I have to be monitored at all times for unintended seizures- my dad says no to going to a high school track because of high school team practices). Only a little bit longer, then I can start running alone wherever and whenever I want.

My memory has improved. I still forget things every so often, but I’ve surprised my family with some things I’ve been able to remember. I felt terrible though because I forgot that today is my sister Hattie’s birthday. Usually I’m on top of birthdays. But I guess I have an excuse for forgetting haha. 

Anyways, today my dad and younger sisters Millie and Tessa came with me over to the East High track. Millie and Tess rode theirs scooters and I ran, my dad chilled on the bench lol. My first two miles were a bit quick, I didn’t intend them to be. It just kind of happened- 13:43 (6:52/mile). Then I stopped and stretched by the fence for a minute, Millie and Tess dropped their scooters and grabbed the fence to start stretching too to mimic me, it was really funny hahaha. They’re so cute. Then I continued but slowed because I’m out of shape and can’t hold that pace anymore (kinda sad but it’s reality). 4 miles total

We meet with the doctor on Monday to determine if I need more ECT appointments or if I’m okay to just stay on Prozac. My mood is about an 8 today. I feel loads better than I did just a bit ago, but I’m not sure if I’m in a super extra stellar mood. But I feel good. I know you can’t have amazing days all the time, but having a mood disorder makes it difficult to know what’s “normal” haha. I’m certainly not depressed anymore. Probably the first time I can confidently and 100% say that since October 2015 (I was diagnosed with depression on my mission in August 2016- my first major depressive episode happened in October/November 2015 and I’ve been mostly down in the trenches since then (usually 3-5), but have occasionally come up feeling pretty good like at a 6-8 for a month or so). Anyways, the last 10 months I’ve been down at about a 0-3, the month leading up to my hospitalizations I was 0-1 every day. I guess I should say when I’m alone I’m these numbers. When I’m with friends, you can add 1-2 to it. I isolated myself for the majority of the month leading up to my hospitalizations and being with people didn’t help at all there at the end, I was pretty ready to be done with life after staying down at 0-3 for so long. Death honestly seemed better than continuing to live like that. But yeah, it’s been a rough ride for a while, I hope the Prozac works for me (I’ve tried Escitalopram, Celexa, Wellbutrin, Duloxetine, and Pristiq and none of them worked well enough- and one I had a bad allergic reaction to). I guess ECT is for rapid improvement in symptoms but you need to take an antidepressant to keep depressive symptoms at bay, if antidepressants still don’t work then I think the doctor said something about a maintenance ECT program. Idk, this is all my second hand information after asking my dad about a hundred times the same questions, so hopefully I remembered correctly. if I write it down I’ll remember it. I’ll edit it if I find out I’m wrong hahaha.

24/7 supervision has come to an end :) So I finally got to go running by myself wherever I wanted. It was sooo nice and felt so good. I’m still terribly out of shape, but it’s amazing how much better running feels after my ECT appointments, even despite being physically less fit. I’m excited for what this means for running in the future. Maybe my depression is what’s been holding me back all this time, and why I haven’t “adapted” to coach’s program like all the rest of my teammates. I still haven’t gotten much faster from high school. It’s been discouraging because coach told me a while ago I have him scratching his head wondering what to do with me because I am not adjusting like my teammates. My high school times were faster than some of my teammates, and yet I’m the slowest on the team. Anyways, I’m just excited because maybe this means I’ll actually start making major improvements. I remember talking with one of my teammates who also emergency withdrew from this semester because of depression while I was still in Cedar (so before all this happened) and we got to talking about running/depression and she exclaimed, “it’s like I can’t run through pain!” I was really surprised. She’s the one I was neck and neck with in high school that has now blown me out of the water lol. She’s so fast. I never really gave that much thought because I’ve been struggling with depression since my freshman year here and I’ve pushed through pain in workouts, the only way to get through effort weeks is to push through pain, so I thought nah that’s not really what I’ve experienced, but maybe it actually is... maybe that’s why I’m not improving. Maybe I haven’t been able to push through pain as well as I used to, because I have been severely depressed. I guess we’ll find out next fall :)

VA loop, 7:50 average.

———

We met with one of the doctors tonight, it was very informative. Takeaways are that I’m done (for the time being) with ECT, I’m supposed to go back in 3 weeks to check in on how I’m doing. I had 7 ECT treatments, the normal is 10-12 but sometimes they go up to 14. If I seem to dip back down in the next couple weeks they may schedule another treatment and re-evaluate. But for now I’m done with ECT. I will start taking another medication by the end of the week, I’m not used to having to take so many different medications. But all of them have their different purposes.

My mom says I should start journaling so I can have a record of my mood/symptoms. That’s probably a good idea, but I’m terrible at keeping paper journals. Maybe I’ll just keep track on here as well, at least for a little while to reference while I need to evaluate how my medications/treatments are working. Y’all could probably care less, but it’ll be good to have for my own record.

Today’s mood/symptoms: I’m a 7. Very forgetful. I had memory issues (normal side effect of ECT, though the doctor did say my memory loss is more severe than normal). I can’t seem to think very hard - my mind goes kinda blank after too much effort. And sometimes when I try to remember things it’s like that part of my brain just can’t be accessed at all or is missing. I’m met with nothing and my brain shuts off - I can’t keep thinking or trying to remember for very long. But overall my mood is good and lighter. I’m extremely less anxious than I’m accustomed to. Very tired today. I also had very strange dizzy/head warpy symptoms throughout the day, hard to describe.

Today I started on Wasatch loop intending to do 6 miles. I got 1.25 in and my IT band was tight and I was getting some knee pain. I stopped and tried to massage out my IT band, it helped me to run without too much pain for a little bit, then I decided to turn at 2 miles because I didn’t think I could make it the full 6. Stopped a couple more times to massage again, it made it bearable to run. But now I’m nervous because I bruised my leg massaging it (go me) and my knee has sharp pain with different things. My foam roller is in Cedar so that blows. Idk what to do. Maybe I’ll try to make a makeshift roller or something. Stinking IT band. 

7:50 average. 

I talked a long time with my mom tonight and one of the things that she said that surprised me (I didn’t know) was that I was diagnosed with mild depression in high school, but my running helped me manage it. I remember my dad asking me if I was depressed (a lot a lot) and me being a teenager that didn’t want anything to be wrong with me I got mad at him a lot for asking and insisted that I wasn’t. I guess I convinced myself I was fine, enough to block out the memory of being diagnosed with mild depression... cause I don’t remember that lol.

Anyways, my mom said that with hormonal changes and stress from college (and other things) it probably pushed my depression over the edge and running no longer was enough to manage it. I was (self reported in hindsight) moderately depressed my freshman year, then left on my mission and two or three months in I was diagnosed with severe depression. A few months later I came home early because I could hardly get out of bed it was so bad. And now this, about 2 years later. I’m grateful to have finally found something that works. My mom says I’ll likely have relapses back into depression, but that now I’ll be able to better manage it with medication, a great therapist I already met with once in Cedar that I like, with running and, if it comes to it, more ECT treatments.

Next doctors appointment is in 3 weeks to get blood drawn and check for toxicity from my medications. I’ll be monitored like this and have a doctors appointment once a month when I go back to Cedar to make sure things are still good.

Today’s mood level was a 7 or 8. Only had that weird dizzy feeling twice today, as compared with 30+ yesterday. So hopefully I’ll have none tomorrow? Memory did better today, but still struggled on a few things. I also still get surprised with how much lighter I feel. I felt like a zombie the last few months in Cedar, but now I’m back to my old self, being more chatty and joking and upbeat than I have been in I don’t know how long. 

I found a metal water bottle and used it as a makeshift roller and rolled out my IT band, which helped ease my knee pain. I’m probably going to have a bruise for a while, lol. Didn’t feel too great to roll out but in the end it was worth it. 

Started with Wasatch loop intending to do the shorter loop, but decided to go a slower pace to see if I could go farther like Sasha suggested :) I was surprised at how good I felt, going slow is so much nicer haha. Maybe for the next little bit I won’t worry about pace and just run, then once I’ve built up enough of a base I can start bringing my pace down.

I decided to go the longer loop because I felt good enough. I was surprised that my knee/IT band didn’t give me any issues, but I’m grateful for it :) it tired me out to go longer, but that’s good. 8 miles, 7:58 average. I was surprised it was under 8:00 pace. Also it was snowing and it’s April? What is this Utah weather?

I got a call from SUU saying my withdrawal has been completed and they asked, since I went to the hospital and my doctor has recommended I withdraw, if I wanted to emergency withdraw which will make it so it’s as if I never enrolled in this semester and take all the W’s off my transcript. I was confused why they didn’t know that was what I wanted in the first place, but I’m glad it’s all going to work out. Now I just have to do a bunch of paperwork to get it processed and have it finalized. 

Mood’s an 8

I was exhausted today. I wanted to cut it short at 4, but I forced myself to go farther. I did VA loop and dropped to the cemetery. When I got home, I didn’t have the willpower to finish to 6. I know I was just a quarter mile short, but I was so tired. 8:00 average. 

My mood’s a 7 today. 

I did Wasatch loop but cut it a little short. 7:48 average. I was really tired. I also still feel a need to watch my pace, but I should probably let that go for the time being and just focus on miles. But I’m really tired. I prefer this sleepy tired to the depressed tired, though.

My mood’s a 6. I’m not sure if being super tired is from not getting enough sleep or if it’s from my medications. I think it’s the latter, but we’ll see if it continues. 7 hours of sleep is still decent, right? The doctor put me back on Lithium last week and upped the dose from what Dixie had put me on. He said that the dose I was prescribed at Dixie was the smallest dose you could get and would have done hardly anything to help. He said Lithium can cause fatigue so I should watch out for that and we’d re-evaluate at our next appointment. If my tiredness doesn’t go away, it’s probably the Lithium and I’ll tell my doctor when we next meet.

Ran to Sugarhouse, a couple laps around then back home. 8:09 average, felt really slow but I was exhausted. It’s gotta be my medication because I shouldn’t be this tired. I went to bed at 7 last night intending to just take an hour long nap because I was really, really tired and Olivia had invited me over for a movie night at 8, but I accidentally slept until 10:30. Then I felt really, really bad (I slept through the alarm I’d set!), but it’s ok we’re going to do something today. Anyways, then I had a bowl of cereal because I hadn’t had dinner (lol) and went back to bed. Didn’t fall asleep until around midnight but slept until 10am and only woke up because my sister Hattie came and woke me up because she wanted me to try the crepes she made. Haha I love her. Anyways, I’m still really tired and want to take a nap but I probably shouldn’t. 

Mood’s a 6 or 7. 

Mood was a 5 today. Not awesome but not terrible either. I’m judging based on how much energy I have, how excited I am to do something, how sad I feel, or how much I just wanna stay in bed. My mom’s concerned about my steady decline this week in mood. If it continues to drop I’ll probably have to get more ECT treatments, though we’re also concerned about that because I’m on the more extreme side of the memory loss side effects. I’ve improved a lot, but I’m still iffy on a couple random things that come up each day. Like today, I forgot that church had been changed to two hours a while back instead of 3, that was a big change that I feel like I should’ve remembered. I also noticed Hattie’s braces and couldn’t remember when she got them, I asked her and she laughed because she’s had them since October. My memory loss is amusing sometimes lol. But also frustrating. At least I don’t ask the same questions every 10 minutes like I did last week haha. We will talk with the doctor next time we meet. 

I went back to the hospital this morning for a blood draw to check to make sure everything is still good after taking my medications for a few weeks. I also have another ECT treatment scheduled for early tomorrow morning. My mom says I was usually really tired after my ECT treatments, and once I have a treatment I have to be monitored for seizures for a week, so we’ll see how running goes for the next little bit. 

Today I did Wasatch loop. I tried not to look at pace. I stress myself out about needing to be in 50% range, but I need to let that go for the time being and enjoy my runs. I’m not in as good of shape as I was a month or so ago, and that’s okay. For right now when it’s still unclear when I’ll be at 100% mentally and ready to truly hit the road, it’s a bit impossible to have a goal to work towards. Maybe for now I’ll just be running (when I can) for fun and because I want to. Once I’m done with treatments, once I have the energy and the right mentality, THEN I can really set out to get back in good shape. I’m not there yet. 

Anyways, today I noticed I wasn’t running as smooth as I was when I was with my team. My stride was off. I slowed down and paid more attention to my back kick and foot strike, and sure enough going slower allowed me to have a smoother, more relaxed stride. I was able to get back into that groove where running didn’t feel that difficult and I could separate myself a little from focusing on what my body was doing and instead go to my thoughts or things outside of the physical discomfort of running. Then, around 2.5 miles in, I got really tired. I stopped for a minute, and I honestly just wanted to lay down right there and take a nap. But I wasn’t home yet. So I continued and didn’t bother finishing to 6, I just wanted to be done. Averaged 7:58

My mood’s a 4 today. I’m really tired and don’t really want to do anything other than stay in my bed (though I did go run some errands this morning).

ECT this morning, went back in since I dropped back down. We’re going to play it by ear now, I might have another ECT appointment another day. I’m having a hard time staying on my feet, I’m a bit dizzy. No running today both because it’s an ECT day and because there’s no way I could run in a straight lane or remain upright for that long. I have difficulty getting from my room to the kitchen without almost falling over. I will also be starting up a new medication in a little bit. 

Mood’s a 6 or 7

My sister Hattie came with me to Bonneville so I could run laps. I have to be monitored again for unintended seizures. Hattie ran the first mile with me, I was surprised she wanted to. We ran 8:02, not bad for a 12-year-old. I was impressed, I expected to go slower. Then I finished to 4.5 while she practiced soccer drills on the field. 7:38, 7:26, 7:49 for the mile splits, then Hattie joined for the last half mile at 8:00 pace. Averages out to 7:47/mile. I was sore from ECT yesterday. 

So the plan for right now is to do one ECT treatment a week for 5 weeks, until another medication I just started today kicks in. After that I can stop taking the medication that is causing my fatigue. I was stoked when my mom told me that. 

Today I’m an 8 or 9. It’s been a good day. 

My mom is in California with friends and my dad is in Florida for work, so I get to stay with my grandparents. They were kind to take me to Riverton High’s track and I ran there while they walked. It felt nice, though it’s getting warm. I got fried. 

Anyways, I was planning on 6 but decided to cut it short to 5, both because I felt bad making my grandparents wait and because I didn’t really want to do another mile. Eh. Splits (I had to manually time because my watch is always .08 off of a mile done on the track) went: 7:16, 7:19, 7:25, 7:28, 7:38. Averages out to 7:26.

Today I’m tired, but I’m at an 8.

Today I decided to try a couple 400s since we were at a track. First I did a couple miles warmup and stretched briefly. Then started, I did 200 recovery after each. Hit 83, 85. Then called it quits after that and cooled to 4 because I was discouraged. I’d been hoping for 80 or under at that effort. But I am out of shape/took some time off while in the hospital and have been rather limited in my running for a while now because of doctor’s orders, so it’s expected for me to be slower and less fit. I shouldn’t let it get me down, I’m alive and feeling better than I have in a loooong time, the physical fitness will come back eventually.

Anyways, today I’m tired and a 7. 

No running today. It was a busy day. I will have 1 ECT treatment a week for 5 weeks or until the doctor says otherwise. Which means I’ll be under 24/7 surveillance for probably another month to watch for seizures. I also have to keep a look out for a rash, then if I get one I have to go straight to the ER. I guess it is a common condition with one of my medications and will become life threatening fast if left untreated. So let’s hope I steer clear of all that. 

Today I’m a 7 or 8

My mom said that she and my dad were okay with me running alone as long as I texted her every 10 minutes or so and stayed on busy roads so that if I collapsed someone would see me. Because technically tomorrow would be the day I’m clear to be alone anyways, though it’s an ECT day so nope! Not really. Anyways, I was pretty stoked about that because I’ve gotten really bored of just running laps. I did VA loop intending to do an out and back to get 6 miles in, but then I started feeling really weird about 2.5 miles in. I was a bit head warpy/dizzy and couldn’t focus my eyes, just felt strange. So I texted my mom and finished the loop- the shortest way home. Then just lay down for a while in hopes that the weird feeling would pass. I wonder if I had a partial seizure, but I don’t really know. I never lost consciousness and it was only my left side, once I was home my hand started shaking/spazzing out if I tried to lift it, but eventually it stopped. My right hand was fine, it was weird. Same with my legs. Only my left leg twitched/jerked uncontrollably. 

Anyways, my run felt really good until that all started. I kept it slow and didn’t pay attention to pace, just ran comfortably at a pace that didn’t feel hard. A pace I could easily keep up for 6 miles. Ended up averaging 8:14, I was surprised because I was expecting to feel more out of shape. I like going slower. 

ECT day, I keep full body twitching randomly so that’s weird. And as usual I’m really tired and can’t stay on my feet. But no headache so that’s a plus. I’m feeling like a 7. 

Cedar City police gave me a ticket because apparently your car can’t stay parked on the street for more than 3 days and mine’s been there for over a month, and they are threatening to tow it. So I’m going to have to mail my car key to my house and my roommate will move it into the driveway. Yikes. 

Today I got a blood draw to check how my kidneys are doing. Then today was kind of an off day for me. It seemed to fly by, and I guess I got distracted playing with Millie and Tessa (my 7 year old twin sisters) because all of a sudden they were going to bed and I realized I hadn’t run yet. But I wasn’t really feeling up for laps at Bonneville anyways. My motivation was low and I considered not working out at all today, then I thought nah I’ve gotta do something. So I decided on a treadmill run, then realized the treadmill would be loud and the twins were going to sleep. I asked my mom if it would be too loud and she said I could do a mile but then I’d have to call it quits because it is quite loud. So I did a mile. Then I was like, only a mile? That was nothing... should I call it quits? No! Go do a core workout! So I went outside because it was cooler and did core for 24 minutes, then my sister Hattie got home and I waved at her to come workout with me. I got her to come out for an additional 10 minute core workout. I’m happy to do what I can in my current situation, there’s always something you can do. I also mowed the lawn and that was a good arm workout lol

My mood’s an 8 or 9. Also, I must really like Hattie’s shirt because she just said I’ve told her that I like her shirt 4 times today... hahaha whoops! My memory...

Today, I decided, was my cheat day. I just really was not in the mood for a treadmill run and wasn’t given the option of running at a track unless I wanted to ditch on some plans I had with my best friend, which I really didn’t want to do because her husband is in Minneapolis right now for work and she was counting on me. So I got to swoop in and have a girls night with her hahaha. But now I’m overly stuffed with food and sugar. Cheat day. That’s what I tell myself hahaha. Then I remember that I used to eat like this every day while I was serving a mission... those were the days. CHEAT DAY. That’s gotta count for something! I’m sore from yesterday’s core. And oh yeah- we saw Avengers Endgame and it was awesome.

Also, if I’m being honest I’m slightly terrified to go back to Cedar City. I still have another month here in Salt Lake at least, but idk the thought of going back and living on my own again kinda frightens me. Or maybe it’s going back to what I had before. This time will be different because I’m moving into a place with more sunlight and windows. I didn’t even have a window to the outside in my room this year, and it was in the basement. So hopefully things are better this time around.

Mood’s an 8 or 9

My motivation is so low right now. I’m considering taking time off running until I’m cleared to be alone. Or maybe I’ll take a small break until I’m excited and motivated to run. We’ll see. But maybe it’s better to push through until I can enjoy running again anyways, so I can stay in shape. Idk. I have all the way until August to be in great shape, whatever I decide will be ok I think. 

Ashley texted me this morning asking if I wanted to come with her to BYU, and I was like HECK YEAH! It was so good to see my team again and talk to Ashley and Maddy, the gang was back together! Lol. We were roommates my freshman year. Talked briefly to Coach and Paul. Paul is going to help me figure out some withdrawal stuff, the committee denied my request to have my records expunged for this semester and Paul said that was bogus, that he’d talk to them on Monday. Maddy said she was mad for me because they cleared her and hers was less severe than mine. It makes me feel better to know that I’m not the only one upset haha, my dad is mad. But it’ll all get figured out. 

Anyways! My team is so fast. They did really well today. It’s exciting to know that THATS MY TEAM!! Haha. Josie, Alison, Haley, Linnea, Angie, Sharlie, all of them! And it makes me excited too because it was a reminder that it doesn’t matter where I am on the team, all that matters is that I’m on the team and getting faster. Well, at least I hope I’ll get faster haha. I’m so excited to go back and run with my team, but that’s several months away. Oh well. 

I ran with Ashley and both of us are out of shape hahaha. Look at us. We ran through BYU’s campus and then Ashley made the comment “don’t mind us just breaking the honor code” hahaha. Sorry BYU, deal with it! We were just in our track gear lol. We only did 2.25 because both of us were dying ha. 8:08 average

Also, so good to talk to Maddy. She withdrew from this semester due to depression too, and both of us shared how things felt while we were depressed etc. It was so good for me because it’s hard when you feel like you’re alone in this struggle but I’m not, it’s so good to be able to talk about it with someone who knows exactly what it’s like. And to remember that I’m not crazy or anything haha, that it is a medical condition. 

Also, I’m going to run every day I can I’ve decided. I just have to endure through this crappy period and then I’ll be able to go wherever I want once I’m done with my treatments. But I don’t want to get super out of shape if I can help it, at least not more than I am now.

My dad drove me to Sugarhouse. We agreed that if I stayed on the pavement and ran laps I’d be alright. Then if I didn’t feel great I had my phone and could call him. I was stoked to have more freedom and run in larger/more scenic loops than short laps. Starting out, running felt weird and a little unnatural, my form just felt off. Like my stride was short and not normal, I think because I haven’t run as much lately. But then about a mile into it I got back in the rhythm of my old stride and it felt a lot more natural and smooth. I was surprised, I felt so much better than I was expecting. Especially for how much time I’ve taken off. But also, just in general. I felt a lot lighter and better than I did before my treatments, so that’s encouraging. 

Anyways, I did 3 laps. On my second I ran into Patrick and recognized him from his running stride (lol, anyone else notice people’s strides or just me?), we stopped and talked for a minute. It was so good to see him and catch up briefly since high school. We might run together later this week. Anyways, on my last lap, the last half mile my legs started to get tired. They might be sore tomorrow. 4.25 miles, 7:42 average

Mood’s a 9

ECT day, no running. We’re going to try spreading out my treatments to see if I continue to do well at a longer interval of time. The next one will be in 10 days not a week. If I do well for all 10 days, the next one will probably be 2 weeks. 

Mood’s a 9

I ran at Sugarhouse again and felt a lot better than I was expecting. I’ve been having stomach pain all day and thought I would feel more out of shape. But I felt decent, surprisingly. Ended up averaging 7:40

Mood’s a 9

I’m really surprised at how good I feel. I was expecting to average around 7:40, but I actually averaged 7:15 (even had one mile at 6:52). It wasn’t hard until the last mile. Then my legs wanted me to stop, they felt like jelly. I stopped for a second then finished to the car (we went to Sugarhouse again). I’ll probably be sore tomorrow. I’m already a teensy bit sore from yesterday 

Mood’s an 8

I ran with Patrick today, we went to the zoo trail. I haven’t been up there in so long. It was tough to say the least. The hills were probably good for me but man, I felt really out of shape hahaha. My legs were burning. Brought back some good memories from high school, I always hated this trail back then but now I like it. Shakes things up a bit and the view of the valley was stunning. Also, I was proud of myself because I didn’t walk the hills like I would’ve in high school, not even the big, steep one that feels like death. Okay I walked one smaller steep hill coming back because I just wasn’t feeling it. Not today, haha. But that big one I didn’t and that’s an accomplishment :) good workout nonetheless. 

Mood’s a 9

Shriner’s run with Patrick, 8:04 average. I was tired but it was nice. 

I’ve been tired lately. Last night my dad commented because apparently it was the first day that I didn’t either take a nap or sleep in super late. I was surprised because I didn’t even really make note of that, but then as I thought about it it’s true. I have slept a lot lately.

As I think about it, my tiredness has seeped into running as well. Today I felt it a lot. I’ve been a bit discouraged because I want to jump up to 6 miles a day because I know I’m in shape enough for that, but for whatever reason 4 miles seems to be my limit. As I was deciding where to run today what it came down to was the distance, either 4 or 6 miles. I wanted to go the 6 mile loop, but I decided on the 4 because if I got exhausted I didn’t want to be miserable the last 2-3 miles. I’m glad I did because after 1 mile I was already exhausted. 

I’ve been discouraged thinking I’m out of shape and frustrated because I can’t seem to increase my mileage, but I don’t think that’s quite accurate. My breathing was very relaxed. My legs are a little sore, but they weren’t hurting much as I ran. Neither did my core or anything. Normally I’d push it a little faster until I was at a pace that at least got my cardiovascular and respiratory systems working harder. And maybe brought a slight burn to my muscles. But for whatever reason, I can’t get myself to feel that. I can’t push myself that hard because I’ll get exhausted quick and not be able to finish miles. And I was already exhausted just trying to make it through the run.

I think the Lithium I’m taking is causing my exhaustion. I have to take it for probably another month, I’ll be doubling my dose in a couple days. But it’s a stepping stone for another medication that I will start after I run out of my Lithium prescription, and then I can stop taking it. So if that’s the case (one of Lithium’s side effects is fatigue) then I’ll just have to make it through another month or so and then hopefully the exhaustion will go away.

Anyways, today I did VA loop. Like I said earlier I was already exhausted one mile in. I stopped for a minute and stretched, surprised that my body felt great but I just struggled to move at the pace I wanted. So after a half mile I’d decided to go a pace that didn’t exhaust me, that felt good. The last mile I wanted to walk because I was so tired. But I didn’t. I ended up averaging 8:03.

Mood-wise I feel great. At about an 8. This is much better than a couple months ago. 

I was really tired again. But I tried fixing my mentality and it helped a lot. Instead of focusing on the fact that I was tired I thought about other things. I stopped once at the 3 mile mark because I knew I had another mile to go and I was exhausted. My thoughts had turned negative. But I talked myself through it, sucked it up and finished. Sometimes running is all about the mentality, so I’m going to try to fix mine to be more positive. VA loop again, 7:39 average. 

Super hyped because my twin brother and I turn 22 tomorrow :) yaaaaas

VA loop again because why not? Averaged 7:42. I had my third mile at 6:54, even though it was slightly downhill I was happy about that. It’s been a long time since I’ve gone sub- 7:00. I was tired again, but felt a little more like my normal self. Getting back slowly but surely. 

I ran with Patrick today and we went up to the JCC trail. I haven’t been up there since high school, because I’ve always hated it because of the hills. But idk why I hated it so much, this time around I really liked it. We were originally going to go 5 miles, but then we got up to the lookout of the valley and took it in for a minute. Then as we were getting ready to start again, we both went eh. It had been all uphill to that point. I’m pretty sure if I remember right past that point is pretty ok until the one death hill we used to do hill repeats on in high school, but we decided we’ll tackle it next time haha. It was a good leg workout going up and I was breathing hard so I think it was a good run. Also I have really missed running these trails here in slc because they’re so nice and I love the valley views. Today was a gorgeous day. So scenic and beautiful

ECT day. There was a miscommunication about one of my medications, I’m supposed to hold it for 3 days before a treatment and I didn’t. They didn’t tell me that. So the options were to either reschedule for tomorrow or Monday, or go ahead and do the treatment but there was a chance I wouldn’t have a seizure. If that was the case we’d have to schedule another treatment for Monday or something. Or if I had a partial seizure. Which meant I’d have all the side effects but no benefits. But luckily I had a good seizure. Side effects aren’t too bad today, I’m just really tired and a little off balance. No running today

I ended up sleeping literally the entire day. My sister Hattie said when I came home from UNI I looked really, really sick. She said it was the worst I’ve looked all through my treatments. I was really, really pale and had really red eyes. I’m not sure why it took so much out of me today, maybe because it was the first time in 10 days? Idk.

No running today. I went to Millie and Tessa’s soccer game then came home and slept for 3ish hours. I was incredibly tired. By that point in the day I’d missed my chance to go running, I’m back to the 24/7 supervision. 

VA loop today this time taking 1300 S. My mom said as long as I texted her every 10 minutes and stuck to that route (since it’s one where a lot of cars and traffic are) she was fine with me going by myself. But she also told me to write her number on my arm in case I passed out so that if someone found me they could call her. Lol. 

Running didn’t feel great today. In fact, there were a couple times when I actually did feel like I was going to pass out. I had thought psht I won’t pass out when talking with my mom but then I was like oh crap on my run haha. My vision had started to go black and my head felt weird. So I stopped and/or walked a few times. Also I’m out of shape. I just want to get back to where running feels good again. My legs were burning at the end though so I was satisfied because that means I’ll get stronger, right? Went slower today, 8:21 average. 

Idk why but this past treatment has taken a lot out of me. Hopefully it’s my last. Might have another in 2 weeks. Who knows

Mood’s an 8 or 9. Things just feel so much lighter than they did a few months ago. To put in perspective- while I was severely depressed I couldn’t get myself out of bed some days, except to go to practice. Now I actually have fun and enjoy whatever I’m doing. Who knew life could be this great

Today I switched it up a little and went the opposite direction on Foothill. I had to take the busy roads in case I passed out or seized and texted my mom every so often so she knew I was okay since I technically shouldn’t be running alone. But eh we bend the rules a bit lol. I took it slower again and averaged 8:12. Breathing felt fine but my legs were hurting by the end. Maybe I should start working on strengthening them outside of running. Idk. I didn’t feel like I was going to pass out today so yay! But I felt fatigued. I stopped a few times but they were short and I never walked like I did yesterday so that’s a win in my book. Next goal is to only stop once or not at all.

I’ve decided I shouldn’t worry so much about my training at the moment because I have a lot of time to get back in great shape before Cross. And I’m grateful for that, my summer training will begin once I go back to Cedar and stop taking the medication that is contributing to my exhaustion. I’ve obviously lost fitness because of my hospital stays and my efforts to get mentally healthy, but in the end it will be worth it. My performances might even be better after curing my depression. 

Our men’s team won conference so wooo! And our women’s took third I think so that’s awesome! I was a bit sad that I couldn’t be there or compete like I might’ve if I hadn’t withdrawn from the semester, but I have other years that I’ll be able to. And overall, I’m grateful that I was able to get the help that I needed. But huge congrats to them for their great performances!

I felt better today than I did yesterday. I ran on Foothill again but this time I made it all the way to the drinking fountain! I was happy with that. Plus I was able to rehydrate a little :) unfortunately I still stopped a few times due to fatigue, I hope that I can make it all the way through a run without stopping sometime soon. The last mile and a half was rough. Also it was really windy. Guess I better get used to that though because Cedar is always windy. It was nice to have it to my back on the way home though. I went 7:00-7:15 pace a few times. Granted they were downhill lol so that definitely helped me out :) 8:08 average. 

Felt good today considering. I was still tired but felt much improved from the past little while. Running has felt weird for a while, my form just hasn’t been quite right, or at least not the same as it had been when I was running with my team. But I think it was because I hadn’t run for a while and was just getting into the rhythm of it, and because I’ve been going slower? Idk. But today I went 50% pace for the last mile or so (7:15-7:45), and my stride felt smoother and I was back to the zone I usually get to in a distance run. I like running 50% pace because it actually gets my respiration rate up, but my legs are weak. I think more time running and maybe weights once I get back to Cedar will help me to hold it longer. Anyways, today it was windy again. I did VA loop, 7:52 average. My legs are a bit tired/sore from the last couple days, but I only stopped twice today! And one of those was just getting stuck at the stoplight I always get stopped at :) Improvement. 

I felt really good today! I wasn’t exhausted from the start like I have been for the past few weeks. Also, I got to stop taking Lithium today! Because I’ve finally been able to bump up to the higher dose of Lamigdal. Maybe that’s partly why I wasn’t super tired. And it’s been a week since my last ECT so I don’t have to be watched 24/7 anymore, and I can finally drive! Blessed. 

I did VA loop again, I was surprised at how much better I felt. At the 3 mile mark, with a mile left of the loop, I thought that felt like a short run. I felt like I could do more than that. Which is surprising because usually (for the past couple weeks) once I get to that point I have to try to motivate myself to work through the fatigue. But I wasn't super fatigued today. So I decided to do the 5 mile route instead and take Sunnyside back up to Foothill. I’ve always kinda not liked sunnyside because it’s all uphill, but a deceiving uphill that looks flat. I stopped once about halfway up, then finished the run. 7:53 average. A faster pace still feels a bit rough, but I think that strength will come back.

My knee has been feeling a little stiff and slightly painful at times for the past couple of days, so I thought maybe it’s time for new shoes. And the difference is astounding! I love new shoes. Also so crazy to see how worn my others are compared to this new pair. The bottoms are like almost completely smooth from wear. The new ones feel amazing! But felt weird to put on because the insides haven’t molded to the shape of my foot yet like my old ones haha

I went slower today so I could go longer. It’s been a long time since I’ve run 8 miles. I hope that by the end of the summer I can do 8-10 every day.

I did Wasatch loop to the zoo. My legs were hurting (because they’re not as strong as they used to be) especially on the uphills. I’m gonna be sore tomorrow. But I felt good. Running finally feels nice again. 

I didn’t catch the average pace for the whole run because I didn’t start my watch like I thought I had after getting stopped at a stoplight. Dang. But I averaged 8:06 for the first mile and a half and 8:08 for the last 4.65 so it’s a safe bet that the average was somewhere around there. I know it was 8 miles or really close to it because I’ve done this loop a lot. 

VA loop, 7:55 average. My legs were sore and tired. But I still tried to go faster. I’m a little frustrated that I can’t seem to go 50% pace and that it’s not a comfortable pace like it used to be. But I guess I just need to be patient as I get back in shape. 

Super stoked because a good amount of my team is staying in Cedar this summer so there will be a good group of us that can train together. That will make it a lot easier to get back in good shape :) and it’ll be nice to be able to access the training room and weight room as well, and to be able to talk to my coaches whenever I want :)

VA loop again. I was a bit tired from the start so I decided I’d run slow at a comfortable pace. My first two miles were around 8:10. Then I picked it up, not really meaning to. I just ran and didn’t worry about pace. After a little bit I knew I’d gradually picked it up and decided to go for it, remaining relaxed. My last two miles were 6:50 and 7:10. I think it was easier to go faster today because my legs weren’t as sore or tired as they were yesterday. Ended up averaging 7:35. 50% pace! I was really surprised. Turns out I still can go 50% pace when I feel good :)

Side note: I saw an advertisement for SUU on one of the city buses! I was surprised. I think SUU is becoming more well known or maybe getting bigger. I never saw advertisements like that during high school. I didn’t even know SUU existed until Coach Houle recruited Angie her senior track season, my junior year. She ran with my high school team that season. And even then, when she’d received a full-ride scholarship, I didn’t think I’d end up at SUU. Yet here we are! Haha. I love SUU. 

Wasatch loop. Decided to relax and go slow. It was super windy and overcast, it’s supposed to rain yet again. It’s been raining all week. I guess it’s good because we’re no longer in a drought, but the runoff from the snow in the mountains is much more than normal and can be dangerous. My mom and I were talking about it and she said a lot of people have fallen into the rivers while hiking or getting too close to the edge and drowned. She said a couple years back a little girl had fallen in and two adults jumped in to save her but all three drowned. A young woman had fallen in and her boyfriend jumped in to save her, she survived but he drowned. And many more. So sad. 

Anyways, today it was suuuper windy and seemed to come from all directions. 8:00 average. Just below my knee has been bugging a little, I’m not sure what it is. I don’t think it’s my IT band being tight because it’s lower than it would normally be, but I don’t have a foam roller up in slc so idk. I’ll just be careful. 

VA loop, 7:39 average. Felt good. I’m tired again today. My mom says too much sleep can make you sleepy, maybe that’s why I’m tired? Lol. Tomorrow I’ll set an alarm and try to reset my sleep schedule haha. It’s been all out of wack the last couple months. 

Shriner’s run, 7:56 average. Felt good, knee/side of knee/sortaback of knee was bugging at the end. Idk what’s up, but it hasn’t been too bad. It’s more of a bother than anything. I always worry about anything that feels off. But that’s just my anxiety talking haha. I’ll see if I can have someone check it out once I get back to Cedar (next weekend). Feel good about being able to go longer.

No running today to rest my knee. I think I’ll follow Coach’s injury prevention protocol, it’s not worth running through it because it seems to be getting worse. So two days off then gradually increase mileage for a couple days until at full mileage. 

My team has 5 individuals qualified for nationals!

Frank Harris III, high jump, 7’1”

Kacey Kenevelbaard, 1500m, 3:41.69

Angie Nickerson, 5000m, 15:48.08

George Espino, 800m, 1:48.39

Skyler Porcaro, javelin, 222’3”

My knee is still hurting. It was more painful going up stairs two at a time, oops. As for now I’m going to keep resting it then have one of the trainers check it out next week. I’m know I’m overly cautious, I just don’t want it to develop into something serious that takes me out for a good part of the summer. 

My knee was still kind of hurting, but it’s eased enough to where I felt comfortable running. I’d planned on going 3 but then decided to go the full loop. VA loop, 7:40 average. I felt really good, oh man I love running so much. Even 3 days off made me miss it. I was surprised because I expected to feel a bit out of breath or sluggish or something but I felt great. Felt like I hadn’t taken any time off, it was awesome. I love the rhythm of my feet hitting the ground, and today the sun decided to come out and (so far) stay out! Beautiful day. But then it could always turn around and give us a surprise thunderstorm like it did yesterday, one minute clear skies the next showering rain. Like literally, my dad and I went downstairs to carry a large/heavy box full of stuff we’re taking to the DI to his truck (from what we could see out our window it was clear skies) and once we got back upstairs it was pouring outside. Yaaaas Utah weather. On the bright side it was the cool sunshine rain for a minute instead of the Missouri rain an hour later haha

Turns out I have work during the allotted time for XC to go to the weight room. Boooo. I’ll talk to coach and see if I can go in later. I’m going back to Cedar tomorrow so on Monday I can get my knee checked out by the athletic trainers. Knee felt good until about the 3 mile mark, but it’s not too painful. Fine to run through. Now I feel like it’s close enough to when I can get it checked out that I don’t have to worry so much about it, and as long as the pain is manageable I can run on it.

Moving day. At midnight I’d finally finished getting all my stuff moved out of my old apartment and into my new one, got it all organized and got a second wind. I was about to go running cause why not then realized I had no food so I went grocery shopping instead lolol now it’s almost 1am and I’m tired so no running 

No knee pain woooo! Also stoked to not be living out of a duffle bag anymore

Main to the Dikes trail. I felt the elevation/time off. Knee was noticeable but not bad. I pushed the pace a bit, it’s good to be back. 7:24 average

Main Street loop but turned down 300 W. I felt pretty good but I was tired by the end. Effort was good, 7:35 average. Knee was noticeable again but I think it’s probably something I’ll have to run through. Training room was closed when I went today, I’ll try to go in earlier tomorrow.

Side note: I’ve been having weird involuntary twitches anytime I start to fall asleep... I looked it up and it’s a rare side effect of Lamotrigine. Hmm.

Canyon and added up 300 W. 5 miles, 7:50 average. Felt pretty good. 

I’ve sort of lost motivation and I need to find a way to remotivate myself. Usually I’m really driven to work hard and improve, but I feel like right now I’m just not. And I think it’s because I don’t really have anything in mind that I want to work towards, anything that makes me excited to get out and push hard. I feel like right now I’m just trying to prove to myself that I can still run and that I am fast enough. What even is fast enough? I don’t know. But I do know I’m not at my best fitness at the moment.

What matters more? Hitting a solid pace or running more miles? My high school coach taught me miles were more important. But my college coach wants us to go no slower than 7:45 pace, except on rare days when he says go slow. I know right now I’m not really hitting either of those. But anytime I tell myself to go slower I still pressure myself to run faster because I feel like I need to, because what kind of college athlete am I if I don’t?

But I think for right now I need to relax and just run, not caring about pace. I do believe that having a strong base pre-season makes you stronger and faster in the coming season. I think maybe quantity is better for off-seasons and quality is better in season. But what do I know?

I’m going to make it my goal to get up to 60 miles a week by the end of the summer. It doesn’t matter about pace. I’ll probably throw in some fartleks, hills, or tempos in a month or so, but for right now I think getting in the base mileage might be better than pressuring myself to run harder to meet a certain pace and only do a few miles. 

Canyon, 7:45 average. Didn’t feel so great. Super hot and windy

Dikes, 7:40 average. I started slow, like 8:00-8:30, thinking I’d go longer at a slow pace and, well, that didn’t happen. I just get antsy and pick it up because I get stressed about going too slow. Idk why, maybe it’s just because I’ve been trained to always go 50% pace. I felt good today though. Maybe I’ll try to wear my watch face down so I can’t look at it while I’m running, and just focus on running miles. But it’s so hard to not worry about pace

Today I decided to go slower and longer. I still wanted to push and go 50% pace. I found it kind of difficult to force myself to run slow. I had to keep reminding myself that pace didn’t matter and that I should stay relaxed and comfortable so I could go longer. It felt nice, but it was a different kind of hurt by the end. It took more out of me than I expected, I was really tired. The good workout kind of tired, but kinda not since it wasn’t fast? Ha. But I think I need that right now because my endurance isn’t great and I keep wanting to stop after a few miles. 

I have been getting light-headed on my runs and today in my last mile (up Main Street) my vision started to go black. It has happened on my runs a couple times this week. Not sure if it’s because I’m out of shape and am not getting enough oxygen or if I’m just dehydrated. Not enough oxygen sorta makes sense since I’m training at 6000 ft vs Salt Lake’s 4500 ft. But I’m probably not getting enough water either. I’ll try to fix that. 

Dikes to Canyon, 8:00 average. 

This weekend was AWESOME for those on my team who went to NCAA D1 Nationals! Kasey took 6th in the 1500m with 3:42.43 (Wednesday’s prelims he ran 3:46.47) and earned first team All-American status, Frank took 7th in the high jump with 7’3” and also earned first team All-American status, Skyler took 16th in the Javelin with 218’9” and earned second team All-American status,  George took 19th in the 800 with 1:51.14 and earned honorable mention All-American status, and Angie took 18th in the 5k with 16:38.08 (impressive because of the 90+ degree Austin heat) and earned honorable mention All-American status. 

AM: I ran with Morgan today! Parks loop, 8:00 average. I’m happy to run with her again. She and I are both trying to build up and get back in shape. The pace felt faster than it was and my legs were burning at the end. I was pretty tight. I was planning on adding and going 5 or 6 miles, but opted out of it so I’d have time to go to the training room before work. Good thing too because there were a few freshmen from the football team getting physicals and only one trainer, so it took longer than I thought it would. I probably could have run 2 miles instead of waiting so long. I’m glad I erred on the side of caution and had planned for things taking longer in case they did. Nate checked out my knee and says it’s most likely a tight hamstring, IT band or quad, or all of them, since they all run by and connect at the knee. I haven’t been rolling out like I should due to break time without access to a foam roller until this past week (mine was still in Cedar) and even then forgetting to roll out. Whoops I’ll be better. He says to take ibuprofen 2-3 times a day for a week to help lower the inflammation and roll out and ice cup my knee after I run. 

PM: After work I went to the weight room because Coach I said I could come in later during a small window of time after I got off work. I think because that was when he’d be there. So I did the workout the best I could, Coach I corrected me on a few newer exercises because I was doing them wrong. Whoops. They were mostly body weight exercises because this is week 1 of cycle 1. By the end my muscles were very fatigued. I’ve lost a lot of strength. After I finished the workout Coach I looked at my paper, I’d grabbed the wrong one and did workout 2 instead of workout 1 which was on a different piece of paper. Oops. Oh well, I’ll just do day 1 on Thursday. Tomorrow is tissue work. 

AM: Ran with Morgan again, I rolled out yesterday for the first time in forever and it was crazy the difference it made for my legs. My range of motion has improved drastically and I could run so much easier. Welp, now I’ve again learned the importance of rolling out and recovery :) Anyways, I felt like I could go 6 or 7 miles easily. Unfortunately I was short on time because I had to get to work. Morgan went 4 with me then I added as much as I could after. Bonus- no knee pain! But I’m sooo sore from weights yesterday especially my quads, which is sad because it was only body weight haha

PM: Weights was mostly tissue work today to help recover and loosen any knots. Ohhhh flip it hurt so bad. First off, sore muscles. Especially quads. Well, the PVC pipe always hurts so I was prepared for that, as well as the golf ball and lacrosse ball. But then it was these quad and adductor smashes where you get the 45 lb bar from the rack and hook it in this thing so it can be moved around and have one end up a bit off of the ground. Then you put 20 lbs on the other end and put the end of the bar on top of your thigh and roll it up and down. Ohh my gosh I was in so much pain. My quads could hardly handle it, I had to keep lifting the bar up just a bit so it wasn’t quite as painful. I lasted 2 minutes on my right leg before taking 10 lbs off, it still hurt like crazy so after another minute I took off 5 more lbs and finished the 4 minutes. Still hurt terribly but it wasn’t quite as unbearable as before. I kept it at 5 lbs on the bar. The adductor one wasn’t nearly as bad. My quads were so tight and sore. Still sore but not as tight. Ended up having to cut the last 10ish minutes because I had somewhere to be.

I also went in and talked to Paul today just to catch up. I wanted to especially since he’s the one that walked me over to CAPS twice and cared enough to know something was wrong, even though I never admitted to him that I had been suicidal or was depressed. He just knew. Anyways, I asked him how many miles I should shoot for and I was surprised with his answer. He said not to worry about it and just do what I can, not to push it if it feels like too much. Instead of feeling pressured to hit a certain amount of miles a week I should run at what my body feels good doing. And that if I’m dreading the high mile week I feel I should hit, not to worry about it and go a shorter distance.

He also said that I shouldn’t feel pressured to hit a certain time, that he wants me to have fun with running and not dread it so much. He said not to be so fixated on breaking 5:00 in the mile for example and be so discouraged about not being able to hit it. Instead go out and have fun, enjoy running and take the pressure off. He said he doesn’t care if I run 5:20 or even 6:00 in the mile as long as I’m enjoying it. And then if racing still gets me down, he said I could even decide not to compete and just train with the team. I don’t plan on that haha, but I didn’t realize how much pressure I’d been putting on myself until he said that. I haven’t been running for fun, I’ve been running to measure up and prove to Coach that I’m worth the investment he put in me. And that got me down a lot because no matter how I ran I always felt like I never measured up. Anyways, going at it with the mindset that I’m here to enjoy myself and see how much I can improve has helped me to relax and I feel excited for the first time in so long to see what I can do. To run because I want to not because I have to. I haven’t felt like that since high school. 

This morning I was so tired and kept hitting snooze and actually fell back asleep for a sec. The next thing I knew it was 6:57 and I was supposed to meet Morgan at Coach’s office at 7. I started to panic and was about to jump out of bed, but right then Morgan texted me saying sorry it was last minute but she was going to take the day off. Yes! I was so relieved and went back to sleep because for whatever reason I was extremely tired. Definitely not in the mood for running. After work I went running, unfortunately at the hottest part of the day. If it was cooler I would’ve gone longer but it was kinda terrible at the end. Took Dikes to Canyon road and then ended up taking side streets to see if I could get home that way. I certainly can but I overshot it and ended up farther up Main than I meant to go. But hey I found a new way home :) knee was hurting a bit and I was tight again. Still a bit sore. 7:48 average 

AM: I ran with Sam, Josie and Alison today :) the pace felt alright until the long gradual uphill towards cafe rio, but then Alison asked if I wanted to slow down for a bit. I was good with that haha. But then we sped up again and around 4 miles or a bit after is where it got rough. It was the small uphill right before the downhill and I was breathing hard, my legs were burning and I fell off them about 10 meters. I caught back up to them on the downhill. Sam and I went 5 while Alison and Josie added a mile to get to 6. I wasn’t feeling great so I didn’t want to go another mile. But it felt really good to run with people again, I like being pushed. That’ll help me get back into it quicker, and being with people makes it seem not so bad. I started my watch before it got GPS so I’m not sure how accurate it is, but according to it 5 miles at 7:36 average 

PM: Went in for weights, did Day 1’s workout. It felt a lot easier today. I was surprised, must’ve been a lighter workout. Added 200 crunches at the end. I also talked to Coach and asked for running tips for summer training, he said he’ll be emailing the packet out later today. He said to do nothing on the track and I can tweak the workouts if wanted, like make the pickups longer or something. And he said that we’d decided 10 miles was too much for me but 8 miles seems to be a good distance. And then once I get up to 8 for a few weeks see if I can throw in a 10 miler on Saturdays (all at once). Then if I feel good after a couple weeks I could try to go 2 10 milers a week, Wednesday and Saturday. So first I’m going to get up to 8 miles, I’m a lot more motivated now

Later PM: 2 mile shakeout with Maddy, 7:15 average. It felt good, a little faster than I’m used to but I was expecting that because Maddy always goes fast :) We talked about how we both put a lot of pressure on ourselves to hit a certain pace and even 50%s can be rough sometimes. For example, only going 7:45 and being discouraged because you’re working hard but 7:45 is “supposed” to feel relaxed. She said she’s started wearing a heart rate monitor and it’s helped her a lot to ease the pressure. Rather than going for pace you’re running in a zone and giving effort that your body can handle rather than pushing so hard to hit a pace and dying while feeling discouraged. I’m looking into getting one for myself because I think that would help me a lot to not feel so bad about not being able to hit a certain pace. Then gradually as I get into better shape hitting my heart rate zones will be at a faster pace. 

Also, random fact: my freshman incoming class of 12 girls at SUU (it was a lot) is now down to 2: Maddy and I. Everyone else quit and Brighton decided to be done after this last track season because she graduated, didn’t want the extra year. And Maddy graduates next spring. I looked at a picture of those who traveled to a race my freshman year, about 10 of us, and the only person still running for SUU in that picture is me now that Angie and Brighton are gone. In another picture, our top 7 had gone up the mountain to train at 10,000 ft and I’m the only one from that group left. Ironically I’m one of the slowest on our team now- that’s how much faster our team has gotten. Plus I haven’t run well for a while. Kinda sad and weird. I’m gonna be an old nanny because I still have 2.5 years left, it’ll be a completely different team my last year here. I just hope that I can find my old groove and start running well again. 

Main to Dikes then turned at 2.5 to get to 5, 7:58 average. I might’ve just convinced my friend Stephanie to try out for sprints! Tryouts are in August, we talked to Coach and Paul after work so she knew what she needed to do. She’s still on the fence about it but she’s talked about how she’s missed track. It’s a lot of work and she’d just be a walk-on, so she’s still deciding if she will or not. She said after she starts to get back in shape she’ll decide :) I’m not sure about sprints times so idk what’s good or not, but coach said her time was good. She ran 46 in the 300 hurdles. She also qualified for State in 5 events for 3A in 2016, but had to choose which 4 events she’d run of course. I hope she does end up walking on, that would be awesome :) as she gets back in shape Coach suggested she come run 2-3 miles with me sometimes and I could show her how to do pickups and Brent will have a sprints workout schedule for her. 

I just didn’t want to run today. I was kinda dreading it. I kept pushing it off until 8pm came around and decided I’d just take today off. Idk, today just wasn’t my day.

I planned to just go out for 5 miles, but then I got going and decided to take cross hollows. Then it turned into a sort of effort run heading down to the stoplight. It was downhill so that definitely helped, but I was giving a good effort by the end. The first mile felt easy going up Main (7:40), then the next mile I picked it up staying relaxed (downhill started about .5 in). 7:06, 6:45, 6:41 for the next 3 miles. That last mile I pushed because it was closer to flat, still slight downhill though. Then I went slow for the next 4 miles just to finish the loop. 

My heart rate monitor came today! So I tried it out on my run. I’m unfamiliar with the heart rate zones and don’t know which ones correspond to which workouts, or which one should be “recovery,” but I’ll look into it. I think zone 5 would be speed workouts? Then zone 4 tempos? And my guess is zone 3 is 50% or recovery? Or maybe 2 is recovery/long runs? I really don’t know haha.

Anyways, I kept my watch screen on HR so I wouldn’t worry about pace. It was nice. I did Dikes and ended up averaging 7:40. My average HR for the run was 155 (zone 3.7) and max HR was 168 (zone 4.3).  Cadence was 170 spm average. 

My watch says my max HR is 202 and my resting HR is 56. That’s pretty accurate for my resting HR. Counted manually it’s usually right around there, when I’m in better shape it can get lower. That probably means the others are pretty accurate too. Before my run I checked to make sure the personal info was correct, to my surprise the weight was off. I must not have changed it back since gaining my mission weight. To my delight I lowered it 15 lbs :)

Anyways, felt good today but the effort wasn’t exactly easy recovery run effort. Felt like a faster 50% even though my pace says otherwise. I’ve heard HR is a more accurate measurement of effort, but I don’t really know. 

I took the side road today. I thought I’d try out how I felt staying in zone 3 and allowing myself to slow down. My average HR was 148 bpm (zone 3.6) and my max HR was 164 bpm (zone 4.1). It felt like a good recovery pace. Should I do my recoveries based on HR or pace? I feel like when I focus on hitting pace I worry about it a lot more and push harder. But idk if zone 3 is too slow? It felt good though. 8:06 average 

I talked to Maddy who knows more about HR ranges and she said 140-150 is recovery, 150-160 is a power run (60%), and 170-180 is workout pace. So I tried staying in the recovery range (I wasn’t feeling like anything faster today). Averaged 141, 8:16 pace. Felt slow but nice, definitely recovery pace. Still not sure if I’ll base training off of it, I think I’ll stick with the recovery pace on recovery days but if my legs feel good I’ll go 50% pace. Then workout paces I’ll go off of feel.

Didn’t run

No running again

Today I ran to the temple and back. 6 miles, 7:50 average. It was hilly (the temple’s on a big hill, it’s visible when coming from up north and driving on southbound I-15. It’s beautiful!)

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. Also it’s partly why I didn’t run this weekend. Just needed to take a small break

I accidentally deleted this entry but my watch says it was 4.75 miles at 7:26 average then did .75 of cool down 

Didn’t run today because I was working on other important things and then it was bedtime and I was exhausted 

Ran towards the temple again but turned earlier. 7:35 average

I might transfer to BYU-I. It’s either 2 more years at SUU for a bachelors in Exercise Science, 2.5 years at BYU-I for a bachelors in Exercise Physiology, or 3.5 years at BYU-I for an applied associates in PTA. I’m wanting to become a Physical Therapist Assistant, but my backup is a bachelors if I don’t get accepted into the program (only 30 people selected a year to enter the program). Gotta cover all my bases. 

I just have to decide if I want to stay at SUU or transfer. If I transfer it has to be now because of classes that can only be taken at BYU-I to count towards your degree, and because you’re only allowed to take so many credits to still be eligible for the program. What it comes down to is if I’m up for the rigorous work required for PTA and willing to take out $30,000 of student loans OR get a bachelors with $3,000 in student loans... once I figure all that out I’ll know if I’m staying at SUU and still running collegiately or transferring to BYU-I. If I transfer I’ll still run for fun, but I’ll be leaving behind the competitive environment of the NCAA. 

Nice run in Salt Lake- out and back on Foothill. Good pace. 

VA loop today, 7:53 average. I figured out some more details about BYU-Idaho, I’m feeling really good about it. I’m pretty confident I’ll transfer. 

Out and back on Foothill, 7:53 average. It was 91*, I’m grateful for the drinking fountain :)

My twin and I have been having a marvel movie marathon this weekend . It’s pretty sweet, though we’ve gotta skip a few movies because there are so many and not enough time! We thought it’d be fun to do before going to see Spider-Man: Far From Home tomorrow night.

No running

Meh

Partial VA loop. Didn’t feel great, I should probably stop taking time off.

Mmm...

I did Dikes and was feeling better than I expected to, so I continued over to the track and did Main Street loop to my house. I went super slow though, it’s been a long time since I’ve felt the long and slow type of tired. My legs started getting heavy about 6 miles in. Distance is my strength, I like going long a lot more than going 50% for 5 miles. Reminds me of my high school days when I went 70-80 miles in a week. I want to get back up to higher mileage.

I’ve decided to stay at SUU for one more semester and then transfer to BYU-Idaho in the spring. I’ve also decided to be done with college running but I will still be training on my own. I feel as though I put far too much pressure on myself when running with the team and become too anxious and uptight. I stress myself out and tend to berate myself when I’m not hitting the times or paces that I want to/feel as though I need to. Anxiety triggers my depression so for my mental health I think I need to ease up and lessen my load a little. I think this coming semester will help me ease back into things and it’ll be lighter in case I start to drop in my mood and end up needing more ECT treatments (hopefully I won’t need more and my medications seem to be holding up just fine, but you never know). Things will be more manageable if I can just relax and have fun and not stress myself out so much.

While I’m sad that my college running career has come to a close, I believe it is for the best. I would benefit more from running on my own and not having any pressure to run fast. I miss the feeling of accomplishment I used to get when deciding to work hard towards my goals, knowing I didn’t have to but I wanted to. If I stay with the team I think I’ll still place high expectations for myself without meaning to and feel guilty when I can’t reach them, as is my tendency.  I’m so grateful for how far I have come and for all of the experiences and memories. I never would’ve thought I’d end up where I am, it’s been an amazing journey.

Now that I have decided, I’m ready to dedicate myself more to running. I know, odd, but now that I know what I’m running for I can go from there with new things to work towards. And I’ll try to remember that I don’t have to be fast, that if I’m not in great shape that’s okay. I’m running because I want to and there are no expectations.

5.5 with Ashley Hawks on hospital, 7:30 average 

Mile out and back on main twice. I’d only planned on 2 since it was late but once I got into it I was more awake than I thought and felt like going more. My stomach was bugging a bit in mile 2 but it eased up after a mile

Met some of my teammates and other runners out at Millrace park- Angie got married today! She’s a stellar human for running on her wedding day, and planning it to be with her running buds by her side :) I was nervous because I didn’t feel like I was in shape enough to stay with a group of college runners/rather fit ex college runners. Especially since I hadn’t run since Tuesday and have been so sporadic with my running. Thankfully we went slow. Ran on the Jordan River Parkway. Averaged 7:37 for the first 3 miles. I turned at 2.75 to get to 5.5 miles. I thought I’d turn early and only go 4 with Morgan but I made it farther so that’s awesome :) breathing was harder than normal but I guess that’s to be expected. I felt a lot better than I thought I would. 

Break- yummy breakfast at a local place in Taylorsville/Murray- got some good old chocolate milk and a maple bar (it was heaven). Josh Collins dropped his full coffee cup right next to our table, picked it up thinking the lid was off, then it kept leaking and it took him a solid 5 second pause to realize the cup now had a hole in the bottom. Ha

Ran a mile with Penny, I was practically dragging her at the end. She reminded me of myself as an out of shape freshman in high school. It’s kinda fun running with a dog tho

Another mile with Opie, he did better than Penny and looked as though he could go a couple more miles. I was surprised because he’s a small dog, but on hindsight I’m not surprised because he’s always a ball of energy

Wonderful game of bowling at Angie’s reception, successfully doubled my overall score in the 10th frame with 2 strikes. Can’t you tell I’m a pro? I totally knocked some pins down

Main Street loop but turned up 300 W at the end. 8:04 average, I’m already feeling out of shape. Didn’t feel great. I’m hoping to get back into the habit of running every day. It’s so easy not to and it can be hard to get out the door when running isn’t your job anymore. At least it has been hard to as of late. It’s been about 8 weeks since I last ran every day of the week Monday-Saturday (I choose not to run on Sundays). Time to get remotivated and run more consistently

Main to Dikes then created a new route home through the neighborhood. 7:52 average

I submitted my application to BYU-I today, now I just have to wait to be accepted. It all comes down to which track I’m assigned to, if I’m assigned fall/winter then I’ll be moving to Idaho by the beginning of September, if I’m assigned to winter/spring or spring/fall then I’ll probs do one more semester at SUU. 

No running today. 

And that was fast! I was accepted into BYU-I! Now they just have to assign me to a track. Apparently it’s a separate process. That’ll determine when I’ll be going.

I ran with Ashley Hawks again, we talked more about professional running and what’s going on for she and Hayden. It was interesting. Hayden runs for Alta.

I only did 3.5 because I was dying. I don’t think I drank enough water today and it was very hot and windy. 7:48 average. 

I decided to run a half marathon with Kacey and Ashley (different Ashley- I roomed with her and she was also on the team my freshman year). We agreed to stick together, Kacey definitely had more in him but was really kind and hung back with us :) it really helped me, he was chatting it up with everyone around us even through the end so that kept me distracted. I love the running community- everyone’s so friendly

We all hadn’t trained for it and just made it our goal to finish under 2 hours. I didn’t want to race it out of fear of crashing and burning. So I just ran it at a comfortable pace. We really just ran it for fun :) Ashley and I decided on going 8:30 pace, maybe faster. I knew I’d be able to hold 8:30s and at least finish, so it helped me to relax. I wasn’t registered for the race so I ghosted it. About 3 minutes before the start of the race I ran the first quarter mile and then stopped to wait for the crowd. I spotted Ashley and Kacey after the gun went off and started back up once they got to me. We were running with the 1:50 pacer and talked with her for a bit. After about a half mile Ashley, Kacey and I had picked it up without really meaning to, but we all felt comfortable at the pace we were running. First mile was 7:58, then we picked it up a tiny bit more and came through the second mile at 7:41. I was a little nervous because it was a faster pace than I’d expected to go and was worried I’d hit a wall and die at the end, but it did feel pretty comfortable so I just went with it.

The next couple miles seemed to fly by, it just felt so good. We were passing people and catching up to the next pacer. I took a couple water cups from the different water stations, the first one nearly choking on because I forgot how to chug and run at the same time. But by the third I got it :) We were under 7:50 pace for the first 6 miles.

Around 7.5 in a good hill came up and after running on flat pavement for a few miles it looked daunting. I just went off of feel. Kacey was about 10m in front of me at the top and Ashley about 20m behind me. We grouped back up and enjoyed the slight downhill. Then another hill, this one less steep but longer. Grouped back up again at the top. At this point Kacey was chatting with a guy we’d caught up to that was from Washington, in Utah to see family. It distracted me :)

9 miles in I was getting tired. Just over 2 miles left, I was struggling. About a mile left, I hit a mental barrier. My legs were dead. I stopped for about a minute and tried to motivate myself to finish and run this last mile. A guy passed me right when I stopped and said, “You’re almost done! Take a walk for a sec and keep going!” I said okay and did just that hahaha :) 

So at the last turn into the finish chute I veered out into the road to run right past those standing and cheering. I got some weird looks, but I wasn’t wearing a bib so no one said anything. The course was short about .1, so I ran until my watch said 13.1. I was dead afterwards. Ashley and I could hardly walk for a solid 15 minutes, but we walked for over a mile after so now I can walk at a normal pace :)

It was a fun experience! First half marathon in the books :) next time I’ll actually train for one and race it!

I got my track assignment today! I’ll be on the fall/winter track starting this September. Which means I have a lot to figure out. 

I’ll be moving back to Salt Lake next week. I’m going to move in with one of my besties since kindergarten because my parents are remodeling our basement, I’m actually so stoked! It’s going to be so fun. Her husband is in the military and just got deployed a couple weeks ago so I think living together will be good for both of us. That’s got to be a very difficult thing, I know it’s been hard for her. Huge thank you to all those who serve our country!

Not sure if I’ll run today. I want to, but I’m just so swamped. It might be good to rest a little more, though my legs feel surprisingly good. 

.6 up main (6:48 pace) then relaxed and ran back. It was late so I saw some more fireworks as I ran. My stomach was killing me on the way back and I needed sleep. This was more of a shakeout than anything, I just went out and ran hard uphill until my mind was clearer.

Canyon, 8:00 average.

Running is starting to feel more relaxing and enjoyable, less mundane or like a chore. It’s been a long time since I’ve been excited to go out for a run. I think taking some time to relax, run when I want to, and not run when I’m not feeling it has helped me to get some of that enjoyment back.

I’ve been surprised because I’ve expected to feel more out of shape because of all the time I’ve been taking off. But I feel great! Respirations are easy and smooth, cardio is fine, legs feel fresh and loose, ROM is still good, and energy level was great. I honestly felt like I could’ve run 8-10 miles, until my gut started hurting. I think my body’s trying to tell me to eat healthier.

I think I’m going to try to run more miles and be more consistent now, but I still want to keep it at the level where I enjoy running and it’s not just another thing to check off of my to-do list.

7:55 average. I wasn’t originally going to go running. I went just to clear my mind. I stopped about 2 miles in, laid down on the sidewalk and looked at the stars for a minute. It was calming. I even saw a shooting star. Then I got up and ran back home. For those who don’t know Cedar basically shuts down at 10pm. I ran at 11:30 so hardly anyone was out. I’m gonna miss this kind of solitude, it’s very peaceful. And Cedar is a pretty safe town, my whole time living here we hardly even bothered to lock our front doors. Nothings ever been stolen, but then again who wants to steal from college students? We hardly have anything worth stealing, unless you want our debt

No running today, I pushed it off and pushed it off until it was too late. As has happened a lot lately. Dang, I’d wanted to run every day this week. Oh well, tonight I went to see Every Brilliant Thing at the Utah Shakespeare Festival with my friend who works there. She gets free tickets :) It was really good. They’re going to show it to every high school in Utah because of the high rate of suicides among teens, especially in Utah. I think it’s pretty cool that they’re doing that. 

Canyon, 7:32 average. It was very hot and windy. I went at the hottest time of day because I decided I probably shouldn’t put it off or I’d most likely end up not running. I’ve got a lot to do today.

Dikes, 7:35 average. It was a lot cooler today, very humid. Overcast and it had previously rained, but I just so happened to run during a window of no rain. I love the smell after a downpour.

Moving day! Farewell Cedar. I’ll be in Salt Lake for almost a month and a half before I move to Rexburg, BYUI has a “move in day” and this semester it’s September 13th.

Moving day number 2, I didn’t finish completely moving out of my apartment in Cedar until after 7pm yesterday and decided to wait until today to drive/complete the move. No running because I helped Grae with some of her math and tried to pull out and move everything in my car. I’m actually very surprised I fit everything in yesterday, my car is tiny. There was a point where I thought for sure I’d have to make two trips, I was seriously so shocked it all fit. I’d reorganized for an hour or so until it did. 

Over to 2100 S and up a little ways past sugarhouse park, 7:50 average. I forgot that Salt Lake is warmer than Cedar. I expected it to be cooler because it was still before noon, but it was already 90*. That’s hotter than today’s high for Cedar lol. Guess I better get used to it :)

Yesterday I hit my knee REALLY hard and it still sorta hurts to bend. It was kinda funny, but it also hurt a lot.