Sock tans

Easy 2, 9:01 average 

I haven't really been running, but a lot's been going on as of late. I'm thinking I'll start up soon, probably next week, because the rest of this week is pretty busy. 

I wanted to share something that's been a huge thing for me. In August, I went to the police about something that happened to me while I was in high school and during my first year of college. I discovered while at Recovery Ways that this trauma was still affecting me, even though I had effectively pushed it down for years. I thought I'd processed through all of it, but I was wrong. As it came out in group therapy, the therapists there informed me that it wasn't too late to go to the police about it like I had thought, that there was no statute of limitations. So I called the police, gave them a detailed statement, and then went into the station and answered questions and expanded on my statement. I gave them the names of several other people involved and an investigation was started.

Unfortunately, because this is a public blog, I am a little limited in what I can say about it. At least right now, while the case is still open. However, just last week I had a couple things happen: first, I saw the person I reported for the first time in years at my work. Could have been a total coincidence because I work at a major public place, the airport. But it brought up many emotions, the first one being shock, then panic. But I'm super proud of myself because I handled it well and was able to continue to do my job without being too flustered after I saw him and without bringing attention to the situation or indicating that anything was wrong to my passengers. Second, I got an update from the detective on my case, during which the detective validated that what happened was indeed considered grooming, and in the detective's words if I hadn't been so strong and if I had allowed it, it 100% would have progressed to something criminal. The detective felt so strongly about my case that he's been pursuing it further, I can't really say much about it since the case is still open but that phone call was everything to me. I feel validated hearing a detective from the victims unit tell me that what happened was so wrong in so many ways and was deeply inappropriate, and would have become criminal if I'd allowed it. That's the severity of what happened. I really needed to hear that, so for that reason alone reporting it was the best thing I could have done to support my healing. And now I know that I've done everything in my power to prevent this from happening again with any other minors. But not only that! Even if nothing more comes of it, everything is going down in a police report and if God forbid there are other victims and they were to come forward, it's all going to be on file. And the detective said he'd be talking to the school districts to make sure they know about him and what he did. I'm incredibly grateful to have such a persistent and amazing detective on my case. He said I gave an incredibly detailed account of what happened and tied it to several events/dates, which I guess has helped him out a lot? I'm not sure exactly what he said about that but he commended how detailed I was about what happened, which made me feel like I did something good so that made me happy. 

Anyway, that's been a major thing going on in my life, and then you add dating into the mix and I've been super busy. It's been a rollercoaster of a month, let me tell you. But I'm feeling so incredibly good, the prescription ketamine has been helping keep my depression at bay. So I'm happy :)

If you read until here, thank you for supporting me in my journey. I appreciate it :) 

Decided to go running between shifts, I had a little break. It was bitter cold outside. Was a bit worried about having an asthma-like cough afterwards, but luckily it wasn't quite that bad. A little cough, but after like 10 minutes I was fine. Lol

I'm going to make it my goal to run M-F every day this week. 2 miles a day to start, so I get in the habit of going running and it doesn't feel too hard to accomplish.

Well, I know I said I'd get back into running like two weeks ago, but I didn't... whoops.

I am making changes in my life that I think are for the better. For the first time though, I'm making changes because I want to, for my own happiness, not because I feel like I have to in order to be better. I used to have a very perfectionistic view on things, and in the last year I've learned to step away from that and accept myself as I am flaws and everything. I chose to live life how I wanted, I admit I rebelled against everything I was told to obey and said no, I can do what I want. I tried drinking, sex, coffee, delta 9, stopped going to church, stopped paying tithing, started wearing tank tops and lower cut cute shirts and shorter shorts. I picked out cute underwear and stopped wearing the religious ones and it felt good to take ownership of my life and truly have the freedom to choose without the pressure of pleasing parents, church leaders, friends, family. I made it known I left the church and that I was doing things I wanted to do which were very much not in line with the church's standards, and I did feel like a disappointment to those close to me but I was finally experiencing the pure bliss of agency. I needed time to experience what I wanted to experience, without the pressure to be a perfect human who never tries any of that and obeys everything they're told to do.

I don't mean to make this religious, I believe everyone should be respected for their own beliefs and I don't bash on people who wholeheartedly believe in the LDS faith because I used to be one of them, it's the church/organization I have a problem with. I believe it was very harmful to me in a lot of ways, while also being good for me in a lot of ways. But I won't get into that.

In the last few weeks, I've been wanting to make a change not because I think what I'm doing is wrong or inherently bad, but because on a deeper level, what I've been doing isn't taking care of myself. When I started all of this a year ago, I was so deeply depressed that I didn't care if what I was doing was affecting my wellbeing, and in fact, I sought out and put myself in dangerous situations because it was self-destructive behavior, and I was teetering on the verge of suicide. In fact, it's what led to me being raped, which sent me spiraling.

There were many things at play: bipolar disorder, leaving a very controlling religion, and then being raped. All combined sent me into utter chaos. It doesn't excuse my behavior, but it explains it. But it's not like I went out and hurt other people, the only person I hurt was myself. Even typing this out I fear being judged for my choices, but I'm trying to be more comfortable with doing what I want and not caring what other people think. I think if I can have the compassion for myself and remind myself of the circumstances that led me to my decisions, I can care less what others think. Because I know what I've done has never hurt another human being intentionally. It may have caused my family distress, but that was never my intention, and I can't take responsibility for other people's feelings.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that I've experienced a lot in the last year, and I'm ready to make a change and decide how I want to live my life. I've seen both ends of the spectrum- what it's like to be a super religious LDS woman and what it's like to be the "sinner" as the church views it, or the more "worldly" way of life. I got to experience what I wanted to experience. And now, I feel like I can take my knowledge of both and shape the way I want to live according to my own standards and values, not somebody else's. I get to choose what I personally value and how I want to live my life. It's unfortunate that I felt like I had to rebel and see the opposite end of the spectrum in order to come to that conclusion, but I make no apologies for how I chose to survive. A lot of these "rebellious" activities were desperate attempts at finding something to experience that maybe would change my mind about wanting to die, to bring any sort of happiness in my life or something to look forward to. I was in survival mode.

Now, however, I'm not. I'm finally adjusting to actually living my life. I'm trying to make changes so that I can learn to thrive and experience true happiness, not just moments of pleasure.

A few of the changes I've decided to make: no more casual sex (this is a hard one for me because I went off the deep end after being raped, got very hyper sexual and used to having a lot of sex. Now, however, I feel like I'm missing out on the deep meaning and intimacy that sex can bring, and want to reserve it for relationships and deepening the connection I have with a partner). A focus on dating for a relationship (kind of the same, kind of different- meaning that I know what I want and I won't stick around for guys that don't know what they want, or that want to string me along, or use me for sex). I want to start finding hobbies again to fill my time, remind myself what I like and what I'm good at- running, writing, drawing, etc. I want to experience the pure joy of creating something that others can admire, such as a well written book or blog post or short story or something, and maybe a nicely drawn portrait of someone I love. And with running, I want to experience the true accomplishment of setting out to do something hard and doing that, then performing better than expected. That to me is true bliss. 

I'm recreating my own standards and values, I'm still in the process of figuring that out. I know I value love, passion, empathy, and loyalty. And I know I want to raise my standards from where they have been not because anyone is telling me to but because I care about myself enough to know that I deserve better. It's really an act of self-love.

Sorry this was long-winded, I just wanted to give kind of a life update and express a few of my thoughts, which I should honestly do more of. I should start journaling again, lol. So many things I want to start doing, running is one of them. I'll get back into the habit slowly but surely :)

As a side note, this week has been difficult for me because I'm coming up on the anniversary of the rape. It happened on February 27, 2022. I'm doing my best not to spiral, but I do have moments where I need to take a minute and feel my emotions, cry a little, and remember. But I know now that not everyone is like that, and that if I surround myself with good people I can learn to trust them.

I'm going to start running again tomorrow. I've been sick and the air has been terrible. But it's time I get into it.

I discovered a new song that I'm obsessed with today: Go to war by Nothing more. 

TJ and I took a break for a month ish. But we met up on Valentine's Day and decided to try things again taking it slow. I'm feeling overwhelmed actually by dating. Feeling a lack of motivation and general lack of confidence/ low self-esteem. Feel like TJ is out of my league. So I kind of want to focus on myself for a minute to help build back my self-esteem. I just don't feel like a very cool person haha. TJ is so hard working, he has 3 jobs- full-time at the fire department, he runs a contracting business, and he works at Riverton hospital 1-2 days a week. I just barely bumped up to one full-time job, so I feel like compared to him I'm not that interesting. Lol. Idk, I need to just be more confident in myself. I don't really know what sets me apart from other people, I kind of feel like nothing does. Eh. Whatever.

What I do know is that I care deeply about other people, I can be very empathetic, I'm a decent writer, a decent runner (when im motivated and actually train), and a decent artist (when I actually draw lol). I find a lot of fulfillment in my job working with special needs. I know I'm a kind person, I just think I'm a little lost in life right now. I probably just need to focus on myself for a while. Idk. 

Well, one of these days I'll start running again. Lol. We had a big snowstorm (over a foot) this week and I wasn't motivated to go out running.

On February 2nd, I started having lower right abdomen pain similar to the pain I felt when I had an ovarian cyst rupture in August, just not quite as bad. I wondered if it was another cyst, but I thought I would wait to see if it would go away. I also didn't have money for a doctors visit, the past few months I've been living paycheck to paycheck and sometimes got close to zero, so I was worried about if I'd have enough to eat let alone go to the doctor. Anyways, I got a new job at the end of January and upped my hours to full-time because I finally feel like I can handle it, so this past paycheck was a much more comfortable paycheck. I have car problems that need to be fixed, but for now, I'm not worried about if I'll have enough money for food, so I'm happy. Until my car breaks. Lol.

Anyway, I decided to go to the doctor on Thursday because my pain was still there, coming and going. Sometimes it's pretty intense. He ordered STD tests to be sure I was good there and those came back clean, and then gave me a referral to get an ultrasound done. I was lucky to get in so quickly because they had a cancellation, so I went this morning. Results showed my IUD is properly in place, and they found a simple cystic right ovarian lesion, which is new compared to the CT done at the ER in August. Most likely a normal follicular cyst. My doctor said that if I'm still having pain I should follow up with him or my primary care doctor. I can't get in for another month to see either of them, so I scheduled it with another doctor in the same clinic on Friday of next week so I can figure out what my options are since it is causing me pain. I guess cysts usually aren't painful.

The results said: "the right ovary measures 3.8 x 2.7 x 3.9 cm and contains an anechoic cystic structure measuring 2.8 x 2.2 x 3.1 cm. The left ovary measures 2.8 x 1.4 x 2.4 cm and is normal in appearance." I didn't realize the cyst could be bigger than my other ovary, and yet, it is... hmm. Maybe that's why my right ovary is enlarged. Idk.

I used google to try to inform myself, and maybe I shouldn't have. Now I know all the risks, haha. A cyst could cause torsion to my ovary which is a medical emergency and requires surgery to save the ovary. Or it could rupture, like my other one did. Basically from what I could tell treatment of my cyst is just a wait and see approach, which makes me nervous, unless it's big enough to warrant surgical removal. The U doesn't drain cysts because I guess they come back quickly if you do that. So that's what I'm looking at. At least it's nothing life threatening, just hurts.

I have a lot of anxiety though. My mind always goes to worst case scenario, which is a tortion, which I could lose my ovary from. So I worry about my fertility. I also wonder what is causing these cysts, and if there's something I can do to prevent them. Idk. 

Until I start running I'm just gonna post my thoughts here. I should probably journal or something, but blogging is fun too lol. Idk.

Anyway, I had therapy today. Today is the anniversary of the day I was raped. It's been a hard weekend, to say the least. 

In therapy I expressed that I was still struggling with feelings like it was my fault. I then expressed that I should take responsibility for the part that I played in it, like how I got in that situation in the first place and then not fighting and not running. But my therapist said something that changed my view. She said that I should definitely take responsibility, but not in the way I was thinking. I was hypomanic at the time which meant I was hypersexual and impulsive, so I was making decisions I normally wouldn't do. And then when he started assaulting me, I was in a trauma response. I froze and went along with what was happening because I was remembering the fear I felt when I was groomed by my coach, it was a learned behavior. I went along with things back then because I thought it would keep me safe, so when I didn't feel safe with this stranger that had catfished me, my brain went immediately to do the same thing it did back then, which was to go along with things to keep me safe. Not necessarily that that was what actually would help keep me safe, but my brain had perceived it to be the safest course of action due to previous trauma.

Anyway, my therapist said that the only responsibility I need to take is that I didn't take care of my mental health. I had a "F*** it" kind of attitude. I was slightly suicidal at the time, I was hypomanic, all of which could have been prevented if I was more med compliant. So that is where I needed to take responsibility. Everything else was out of my control, and his actions are all on him. I shouldn't blame myself for what happened because it was not my fault. I could've done more beforehand to prevent it and protect myself, sure, but it wasn't my fault that he chose to rape me. That's all on him. I didn't ask for that, nor did I deserve it.

Feeling good about the progress that I've made. 

And yes, it was rape. I don't really want to go into details. But it was rape. It was unwanted, I hadn't consented, and he disregarded me when I answered his question and said I didn't like pain (to which he responded wrong answer and continued to assault me). He just did whatever he wanted without any consideration about how I felt. 

2 miles easy. Ish. Running is hard when you're out of shape, lol. I just ran at a pace I felt I could maintain, which ended up being 8:41 pace. Not too shabby. It wasn't my legs that were tired actually, it was my lungs that hurt.

I had a conversation with Noah last night about running/working out and it kind of shifted my mindset about getting back into running. He was saying that if I approach running with the idea that I'll push myself until I can get to comfortable distance and run that every day without too much effort and enjoy it for a month or so, until I get bored then increase for the next month until it feels comfortable and enjoy it for another month or until I get bored of the new distance and increase again, it will be a lot more enjoyable. The problem with running in high school and college so competitively is that I started to resent it and lost the enjoyment. So I think that is the approach I'm going to take. I'm going to run 2 miles a day until I feel comfortable with it, enjoy it for a while, then when I'm bored of running 2 miles and feel like I could do more and want to do more, then I will increase my mileage. Slowly but surely, but with no pressure. And if I want to run more one day great, but I'm not going to force myself to do more than I feel like. Hopefully that will help me enjoy running again. 

Also, as an update. I broke up with TJ/Tim/Timothy (he goes by all 3). I got tired of feeling like I was a second thought. I was tired of feeling like he didn't really care to get to know me, he was too busy with other things and that's okay, but it's not what I wanted for a relationship. I wanted a deeper connection and it honestly seemed like he was emotionally unavailable. I got on bumble pretty soon after because I knew what I wanted, changed my profile to reflect what I wanted and was pretty honest about that in my bio, and started swiping. I think online dating is a lot different for girls than it is for guys, because it seems like every guy I talk to only gets like 2-3 matches in a few weeks and (not to be arrogant or anything, I honestly think it's just the sheer number of guys on dating apps and not as many girls) I get a hella lot of matches within a few days and struggled to keep up with the conversations. But then on Saturday I matched with Noah, and we spontaneously decided to meet up, and we just hit it off. Honestly, the best time I've ever had, and not because the things we've done have been adventurous or creative, like literally we just went to beans and brews and grabbed coffee and talked on Saturday, but because talking and being with him is so much fun. The last time I felt that instant connection and like we could talk for hours was with Sawyer, the guy I almost married in 2020. I'm not saying this is going to go anywhere with Noah, I honestly don't know, I'm just going with the flow. But we've both talked about how we're wanting to be serious about dating now, it's not just for fun. It is fun, but like, we both want to eventually get in a committed relationship, if things continued going well. I've enjoyed talking to Noah so much that I stopped talking to other guys and I'm not pursuing anyone else, I'm going to see how things go with him. Which is different from how I felt with TJ, I was still wanting to go on dates with other guys until we had the exclusivity talk. I don't care to do that and I'm not overthinking everything because I like Noah so much and enjoy my time with him. I know it's been less than a week since we met, but I guess what I'm saying is there is a real spark there and it's so exciting. Such a nice change from how sad and insecure I was about how things were going with TJ. I think ending things with him was the right thing to do, even if I still am a bit sad about it. Every now and then I am sad and I miss him, but also, if I hadn't done that I never would've met Noah, and I'm fucking excited to see where things go with him. We're goinng to try west coast swing dancing tonight, neither of us have done it but both have been interested in trying it, so we will see how that goes. 

I'm going to try running as much as I can but I'm not going to put up the expectation for me to run every day, because I think that's unrealistic. I'm gonna try for 3 days a week until I get more into it. 

Met Patrick and Nathan at Sugarhouse park, they were doing a long run and I joined in for the middle part. It was fun :) I set out to just do 2 miles but ended up doing 3 at 8:24 average. I'm out of shape and feel it most in my lungs. But it felt good to get out and do it. 

Not sure if I'll have time to run today, I'm working a 10 hour shift. This week is a busy week at work.

I got in for a couple physical therapy appointments, my first one is tomorrow morning. Then it jumps out to the 25th and 5th. My lower back has been causing me issues, it's not constant pain but it's VERY painful when it does flare up. I'm thinking it's my SI joints because that's what I had a problem with in college running. If I'm sitting or laying down for a while, it's like it stiffens up or settles into misalignment. Then when I go to get up and move, it catches and causes me intense pain that can shoot down into my hip that is only relieved when I hear and feel a pop in my low back. Which is what makes me think it's the SI joint. So it'll be good to figure out if there are exercises that can help strengthen my muscles to keep the joint in place/aligned, or if there's something else going on. Just really annoying and bothersome. 

Easy 2, 8:16 average. This last week was crazy busy, but I'm gonna make an effort to either wake up early this week to run 2 miles in the morning or go running immediately after I get home from work. It's honestly just finding the time and motivation to go that's hard, not necessarily the running part.

Noah and I had a talk this morning and have established that we're exclusively seeing each other. We didn't have time to really talk in depth about it and plan to do so at a later date when we do have time, but he said that to anyone on the streets he would call me his girlfriend. He's genuinely one of the sweetest guys I have ever met. I'm very lucky. 

7:58 average. Felt good. Took advantage of the warm weather!

Physical therapy this morning. 

Hard night tonight. Currently watching my twin exhibit self-destructive behaviors. He's homeless, living out of his car currently. His car just got signed over to a repossession company yesterday, so as soon as they find his car it'll get towed and he'll have absolutely nothing. He hasn't had a job for 7 months and has refused to work. He has severe mental health issues and in my opinion, and from what I've described to my therapist she agrees with my opinion, he is in need of serious mental help like an inpatient stay. I've brought it up to him, my dad has also brought it up to him, but he refuses to go.

It's incredibly frustrating because he doesn't recognize the help that me and my dad have given him. Especially my dad. He's done so much to help him. But my brother just doesn't see it, or doesn't appreciate it.

Honestly, it was a very tough night. I haven't cried that hard in a long time. I met up with my brother and saw the full extent of his situation, and he doesn't recognize how serious it is. He decides to smoke and try not to think about his problems rather than come up with solutions. It was heartbreaking. I helped him out with getting access to his W-2 so he can file his taxes (actually my dad is going to do it for him). It was like he didn't even know where to start with that. I honestly felt like I was back at work helping a client. Which is sad, because he's just far enough above the cutoff for disability help. He's just smart enough and capable enough to where he doesn't qualify, but he obviously needs the help.

I eventually came to the conclusion that I can't watch him destroy his life. He has every right to do whatever he wants with it, it is his life after all. But I also need to take care of my own mental health, and watching him creep closer to death every day (either through starvation, hypothermia, or death by suicide) is too much for me to handle. I can't bear it. So I need to take a step back. I decided to put up the boundary that I can no longer provide him with food (I've been trying to help him where I can, but I realized feeding him will only delay the inevitable- I'm fighting a losing battle. The only person that can truly help him is himsef). I also established the boundary that the only help I can offer him is to take him to UNI. I told him he can reach out to me if he wants my help taking him inpatient, but otherwise, I can't be a part of his life until he decides to start helping himself.

It was very difficult to do. I'm grieving. I know that there's a real possibility tonight was the last night I'll ever see my twin. Unless he decides to step up and turn his life around, at which point I will happily try to help him the best I know how. But I have done my best. And I'm incredibly sad, but I know this is the best thing I could do for myself. I need to take care of myself, too, I can't get so lost in taking care of others that I forget to take care of myself. And my mental health is important, too.

Tough night. Any advice or words of encouragement are appreciated, I'm incredibly sad tonight at the thought of potentially losing my brother. I know we're not there yet, but it is a possibility, and for now I choose to feel my emotions and be sad and scared about it. For the past few months I've been trying to distract myself and try not to think about it, but now I need to face it and feel it, and damn it's the hardest thing in the world to watch someone deteriorate and destroy everything they had going for them. 

Went running to blow off some steam. It's a long story, but my car got towed last night and I had to drop $400 to get it back. I was saving that for car repairs that I was already stressed about, so now I'm screwed. Had to apply to take out a personal loan today because I can't really wait to repair my car. I think I'll hear back about that on Monday so I'm just crossing my fingers I get approved. Planning on paying it off as fast as I can, the loan will be for 2 years but I'm hoping to pay it all back within a few months. Might get a second job just to get me out of this hole.

Just trying to be positive. I'm grateful I had a credit card so that I could pay the $400, otherwise I might not have gotten my car back. They needed it all up front, and each day it was in the lot the fees go up, so I needed to get it back asap. Just a really crappy situation, ultimately it's my fault for not seeing the signs at the entrance to the parking lot about needing an authorization to park there, but I'm mad because multiple people who knew about it failed to let me know my car could get towed.

I was just starting to feel like I could breathe, like I don't have to worry about where my next meal will come from. I finally had a couple hundred extra and was starting to get back to weekly therapy etc. but now I'm back to struggling, I have to make it a week on $200 and have a psychiatry appointment on Monday, which is $55, and then I drive so much for work that I have to fill up twice within a week, so there goes another $100 because gas is expensive and my car has terrible gas mileage, and I have no food because I need to go grocery shopping... so now I'm stressed. Ugh. I thought I was past this, but when it rains it pours right? Multiple car repairs need to be done, plus the towing, just unforeseen circumstances. 

2 miles easy in the snow. 8:45 average

I'm going to make an effort to wake up early and go running before work and see if that helps me get out.

2 miles at a good effort, 7:30 average

I signed up for the Deseret News 10k. Hoping to be in good shape by then. I've got 4 months to train :) so I think I'll start by just getting out and doing runs then in May or June start doing tempos and long runs. Trying to enjoy the process without getting burnt out.

I had therapy today, she said I seemed really grounded today. More grounded than she'd ever seen me. She said she's seen a complete 180 switch ever since I started doing ketamine. It feels good to be back in a good spot and know that I do have some control in preventing a mental health crisis. I just have to stay on top of ketamine, meds, and therapy.

I've also done a lot of healing. I didn't use to care whether I lived or died. I thought I had nothing to lose. Now, I have everything to lose. I value my life. I have a future ahead of me, I have people who care about me, and I have good experiences yet to happen.

Didn't run, sad day (haha, but literally tho. Received some hard news today. Noah's likely moving either across the country or to Belgium for a new job opportunity within the next few months. I am pretty heartbroken over it, but hey, that's life right?)

2 miles, 8:11 average. Very windy. 

No running yesterday or today. I literally came home from work at 6pm tonight and by 7pm I was out cold. Long 10hr work day, coupled with little sleep this week called for some catching up on sleep. Now it's 12am and I'm wide awake, lol :) just don't trust that running this late at night is the best idea, so I will wait until tomorrow. 

I registered for the St. George half marathon tonight, I had a deferment from the previous year because I decided not to do it. I'm hoping that the training for the Deseret news 10k this summer will help motivate me to do the St. George half. I think getting in shape is the hardest part.

I know I didn't run every day this week, but I've made progress. Hoping to increase the number of days next week. 

It's been a hard week. Very stressed, very sad, very worried, very overwhelmed.

Stressed because finances are very tight, struggling to make ends meet. 

Sad because there's a good chance Noah will be offered and take a job that will take him either to Belgium or somewhere else in the U.S. There's a chance he won't, but we'll know for certain in the next 2 months.

Worried because my brother could be homeless and on the streets any day now and there's nothing I can do to help him. He's living out of his car that will be repossessed as soon as the tow company finds his car. He's also very manic and refuses mental help, so I worry for his mental state.

Overwhelmed because I'm not making enough money to cover all my expenses and all my needs. But this is the highest paying job I qualify for that doesn't completely suck. Cost of living in Utah is $43k-$66k. I make 38k. So I have to reconsider everything. Might have to go back to school because this just isn't working. Choosing between therapy and food just isn't working for me.

Can tell I'm getting depressed because I'm not wanting to go to work or do anything, even though I desperately need money. Don't know if it's the snowy weather, don't know if it's the stress, don't know if it's the chance of Noah leaving, don't know if my meds and ketamine aren't working, or could be all of it.

Well, things got worse as the day progressed. My check engine light came on in my car today, meaning I have little to no chance at selling it until I get it fixed. Better to just trade it in, which means I seriously lost money. 

I also found out my case at the SLCPD was closed. I half expected this outcome, but it was still a gut punch. Our justice system sucks. The special victims detective himself said that if I hadn't been so strong and had allowed it to happen it would have progressed to sexual abuse. I also believe that 100%. It honestly would've happened had my parents not found out about what was going on. Once they found out, I discovered I could push back and didn't have to go along with things. So I started resisting. Until that point, I felt like I had to endure it in order to get what I wanted- which was guidance and coaching so I could perform well in my sport. That's why I wanted to report it- to help protect other girls who don't know they can resist. It's almost sad in a way, because this experience was traumatic enough to cause me significant distress and anxiety and require a lot of therapy, but it wasn't extreme enough to get the justice I deserve.

Hard day.

6 miles, 7:47 average. 

Set out on this run intending to relieve some of my energy and stress. I definitely did that, I'm exhausted. I stopped to walk a bit, but I'm proud of myself. This was really hard for how out of shape I am and I feel really accomplished.

Splits: 7:52, 7:57, 7:44, 7:41, 7:32, 7:51. Time: 46:40

It's been a hard week. I'm gonna break up with my boyfriend either Sunday or Monday. Whenever he gets back from camping. I don't really want to, but it's in my best interests. I deserve to be with someone who prioritizes the relationship and is wanting a future with me.

Gonna try to focus on running and get back into some other hobbies to distract me. 

Legs were sore and heavy from Fridays run but it felt nice to get out. It was warm! 8:08 average

When it rains it pours, right?

1. My car got a flat tire last night, which means the tire needs to be replaced. All tires were worn anyways so I need to replace all of them, and it's an AWD vehicle, so they should all be replaced at the same time anyway. It's gonna cost over $850 to replace them all. 
2. Discovered that my right front ball joint is bad. It's leaking grease/fluid, and also explains the play in the steering. I can't drive on a bad ball joint because it could fail anytime, and a failure would be catastrophic. I'd lose control of the vehicle and likely cause an accident, and the wheel could fall off completely. Cost to repair one is around $300, and usually mechanics recommend all ball joints get replaced because if one has gone bad, likely they're all on their way out. So that's $1200. And that's not including an alignment, or if they also need to replace the control arm or tie rod, I'm not sure exactly what's all needing to be replaced. But it's bad.
3. I'm not making enough money at the job that I'm most qualified for to cover all of my basic needs like housing, food, phone, shelter, transportation, therapy, medication, and other healthcare. Reliable transportation and phone are a must in my job. Without transportation I cannot do my job, so without my car I'm in a huge mess. Not sure how I'm going to get to work this week. My dad is letting me borrow his car tomorrow but he needs it the rest of the week.
4. The $2000 or more cost to get new tires and ball joints is more than I make in a paycheck, and nearly my entire monthly income. I have no savings due to all my previous medical bills and barely getting by since. I've maxed out my credit card due to my car getting towed (a whole other inconvenience and shitty situation that is honestly BS but and can't extend my credit limit due to only having the card since November. I've already taken out a $500 personal loan to get an oil change and my car diagnosed by a shop that I no longer trust and won't ever take my car back to. They tried to screw me over and I caught them and they reluctantly lowered the price back to what it should've been. I don't trust their diagnosis and will be taking it to another shop. Anyway, I asked if I could get more and they would only approve the $500 because I have a short credit history. Doesn't matter I have a good credit score (731). So, no way to pay for these repairs.
5. Things are ending with Noah, and I'm very sad about it. I'll probably be talking with him tomorrow to officially cut things off. He's hoping to leave Utah for work and honestly doesn't seem invested in the relationship, he's prioritizing his career and ambitions. Which is fine and honestly good for him, but I'm more of a backup plan if his other plans fail and I think I deserve better than that. He's already made up his mind that he'd take the job that would require the relationship to end if it's offered to him, so there's honestly no future in our relationship. Even if he stays, I'm not his first pick and I don't blame him for that, and I know we haven't dated for a long time but it's still hard. Just coming to terms with the fact that it's over and I'm really sad. 
6. I found out the detective closed my case on Thursday. The emotions behind that have been hard to deal with. No justice.
7. My brother threatened to kill himself today over text. He's off his meds. And he's been constantly criticizing me and accusing me and my family of not loving him and watching him drown when the exact opposite it true. He told me he doesn't love me anymore and has no respect for me. Twice. Very hard to deal with as well because I do love and care about him so much, but he's so difficult to deal with and so critical of me and won't accept mental help.

I'm about ready to snap. The pressure and the stress about my finances is overwhelming. The sadness about Noah is overwhelming. The hurt from the case being closed is overwhelming. Watching my brother struggle and not being able to do anything for him is overwhelming. Listening to my brother spout of constantly critical and hurtful things to me is overwhelming. All of these are overwhelming enough on their own, and here I am facing all of them at once. It's too much. 

8:08 average. 

I had therapy tonight and it was probably one of the most helpful sessions I've ever had. Right off the bat she could see how stressed I was and asked me to breathe. Then we talked. 

She said I've been through much harder things and I can do this. I have the choice to let the stress overwhelm me and allow myself to spiral, or I can choose to accept and face the difficulties head-on and make choices to combat them. She said this is a really pivotal time in my life and my choices will determine where I go. 

I feel really driven now rather than stressed. I am still stressed. I have no idea what's going to happen with my car and my job (I use my car for my job so no car = no job). I'll find out tomorrow whether or not I qualify for financing through Big o Tires. And that'll tell me what I can do.

But, I've decided what I want to do long-term. My tentative plan, if everything works out, is to go back to SUU in the fall. I'll major in either Exercise Science or Psychology and minor in the other. Then I'll get a masters in SPED. It's an online degree. Or if I feel like doing something different with the bachelors degree I get I can do that. But that's my tentative plan. It feels good to finally have a direction and to have finally made a decision as to what I want to do as a career.

And, I'll admit, I'm excited at the prospect of going back to SUU and Cedar City. Living the college life. An exciting change, something new, and being able to finally finish my degree.

We'll see what tomorrow brings.

8:16 average

Things are starting to look up. I qualified for financing at Big O Tires, so they replaced the tires and what actually ended up being the tie rods. A slightly cheaper fix, but still just over $1000. I have a job interview tomorrow for a job I'm hoping to do on the weekends. If I started this weekend, I'd be able to pay off that loan in about a month. If I worked it for 2 months, I'd be able to pay off my other loan and start saving money. I definitely think it'll just be a temporary gig, but it'll help me get through this tough period. In 2 months I can re-evaluate and determine whether or not I want to continue with the job. That is, if I get it. Which I'm thinking I will, so long as I'm able to only work weekends.

I'm also still planning on selling my car, but I'm more confident now that I can sell it for how much I owe on it. With the new tires that's a great plus, and now there are no major issues. A few minor ones, but that's typical of used cars, and easily fixable if the next person so desires. I have someone coming to look at it tomorrow night, and it's got over 200 views on KSL classifieds and some people have added it to their favorite listings. Just hoping I can sell it soon so that I can get into a smaller car better fit for my needs. I just don't need an SUV, as nice as it is to have a ton of room.

Oh and then I found out I was approved for a $10,000 auto loan with a few stipulations, assuming I sell my current vehicle, trade it in or pay it off. So that was a huge relief as well.

It was a great day all things considering. And I got out for a run, which was a big bonus.

8:16 average 

Got hired for a second job today. I'll be working upwards of 56 hours a week with both jobs. 

Busy busy day. Work then group therapy then met up with Noah.

Feeling very conflicted and heartbroken. I'm not okay right now. I know it'll be okay eventually. But that doesn't make this any less hard. We're taking the weekend to think on things and decide whether or not to continue pursuing the relationship. I don't think there's a right answer here.

My biggest fear is that I won't be able to find anyone else as amazing, thoughtful, intelligent, hard-working, fun, and so genuine, straightforward and kind as he is. Just feeling a sense of loss, because even if I choose to continue things there's a very real possibility he's going to get offered a job in either Belgium or GA and have to relocate, and if he gets the Belgium job he'll be traveling so much and be so far away that it's not conducive to a relationship. So he gets that job and we're over. If he gets the GA job it's still possible it could work out, but still maybe not. There's just so much up in the air right now. We don't know if he will get either job, we don't know when he would leave, we don't know how likely it is he'll get either one just that he's still in the running.

I just don't know what to do. 

7:43 average

I ended up getting a second job and started this past weekend. I'm working every day of the week, which is a lot. 56 hours a week. I only plan to have it until I can pay off my personal loan, my car repair loan, and my credit card. So probably for 2ish months.

I'm not really wanting the second job but desperate times call for desperate measures amiright? I can deal with having it two days a week.

I'm thinking I'm going to focus on bettering myself for the next couple months. Financially through the second job, physically through running, and emotionally through therapy and meds.

I was really struggling yesterday, a little bit of a depression going on but nothing near what I've experienced before. My therapist thinks my crisis yesterday was not anything bipolar related, but rather trauma related. I've had many triggers. I'd rather not say what they were, but it has been a tough month. And it probably just became a lot for me to handle, so my thoughts went to dark places and had a mini existential crisis. 

The good thing that came from therapy is that my therapist has said I've made a complete 180 degree switch ever since I started doing ketamine. So crazy how much of a difference it's made. 

I had a good discussion with my dad tonight about many things, and then my mom as well, and I just have a lot to think about.

I came up with a plan last week, that I'm pretty excited about. But I'm still going to mull it over because my dad says he thinks it's an impulsive decision, but I disagree. I think it's a great idea. But of course I will weigh what anyone has to say. 

My plan is to go back to school either in the fall or spring 24. I'm hoping for fall honestly but we'll see what life brings. I'll major in either psychology or exercise science and make the other my minor. Then I'll pursue a Master's degree depending on which major I chose and what I've decided I want to do for a career. I've at least narrowed it down to those two fields, lol. And if I decided, I could get my masters in SPED (no prerequisites required), which opens up a whole other career path. 

My dad's not too gung ho on the idea. But I think it's a great idea, and doable with FAFSA grants and student loans. But it's just kind of a wait and see what life brings kind of deal. 

This week has been... a lot. But, here's an update:

I had to reapply to SUU because it's been 2 years since I've attended and I guess if you take a break longer than 2 semesters they now require you to reapply. Kinda dumb but it's whatever. I got my financial aid award letter today, and the award I got makes it very doable to go back to SUU. Got everything- Pell grant, subsidized loan, unsubsidized loan, work study. A little less than I was offered for the 22-23 year, but still a good amount. I was accepted and then ran into the problem of being assigned the online campus so I was unable to register for campus classes. Got that fixed and it was processed in a day. So now I'm finally registered for classes. Ran into another problem where they're not recognizing that I completed exercise physiology which is a prerequisite for other classes. Just frustrating, I'll call on Monday to see if they can fix that. If not I might have to retake it. When I took it it was considered a physical education course, now it's considered a kinesiology course which I think is why the system isn't recognizing it. Ugh. Anyway, just wanted to reserve my spot in classes before they're all full. A lot of them are already. But I have a solid schedule, and I can always unregister if I decide not to go. But I'm thinking I will go. I really want to.

My brother is in a crisis. I was with him tonight we had an argument and he escalated out of control got violent and I kicked him out of my car threatening to call 911 because I was scared. I made it home just in time for the panic attack to set in. He needs hospitalization like now. But after tonight I'm done. I've gone above and beyond to help him. But there comes a point where if someone doesn't want to accept help they need or won't help themselves there's not much you can do. My dad is informed and I've turned everything over to him because my brother will only listen to him honestly. And for my own safety I can't be involved anymore. 

I walked 22.5 miles this weekend for a suicide prevention and awareness walk so I'm allowing myself to recover before going running. I'll probably go either tomorrow or Wednesday. 

Long time no blog/running. I've been busy, haha. But decided to get out today, I'm going to make an effort to run every day this week. 7:56 average

2 miles easy, I'm out of shape and my chest/lungs hurt. But it felt nice to get outside.

My new favorite song: Phobia - Nothing But Thieves. Such a good one! It's helping me stay sane at the moment lol.

Made a new loop. Needed to get out on a run to process some thoughts and relieve some stress. 7:50 average. 

Having some health issues at the moment so I'm not running. I'll be having surgery soon, although I'm not sure exactly when. I'll hopefully have the surgery scheduled on Monday.

I had an ultrasound done which showed 3 cysts on my right ovary. 2 are hemorrhagic at 4.4cm and 3.5cm and the third is 3.6cm. My gynecologist said we're working with 10cm of just cysts not including ovarian tissue. He suspects the reason I keep getting cysts and only on my right ovary is either because of endometriosis or a tumor in my ovary. During surgery he will remove my cysts, right ovary and right fallopian tube. He'll do a diagnostic laparotomy to look for endometriosis and will send the cysts and ovary to pathology to determine if there is a tumor. My CA 125 came back in normal range, and my gynecologist thought it was unlikely it would be cancer to begin with, so I think that rules that out. 

It's been a tough couple of weeks. Just been feeling weird symptoms and pain. And all sorts of emotions. My hormones are definitely imbalanced so I'm just feeling not like myself, and the cysts are pushing on my bladder so I have to frequently go to the bathroom. I'm having referred pain in my back and other side of my abdomen, as well as pain where my ovary is. I'm also very lightheaded but it comes and goes, and have had nausea but that's not as frequent. I've been more moody and impatient than normal, too, which has proven difficult in my job that requires a lot of patience and emotional control. I'm nervous for surgery but also just want to get it over with so I can start feeling better.

Having all the feelings, scared about what this means for my fertility. My gynecologist says that with my left ovary looking normal I'll still be able to get pregnant. I just worry that it'll make it more difficult, or that this is the start of a long journey to infertility. Just hard to take in. 

As an update, I got a second opinion and rescheduled surgery with her because she said she thought she could save my ovary. I feel a lot more comfortable having her do the surgery. 

Surgery is scheduled for Friday. She'll be performing a cystectomy and looking for endometriosis and making sure everything looks good. There is a chance that she would have to remove the entire ovary, but that isn't likely. She also said there's a chance she'd have to do a full open surgery if she couldn't see or get to something or if there was a complication, but that's also not likely. I forgot to ask her to clarify but I believe she will also biopsy both ovaries to check for cancer, which isn't likely given my CA 125 came back normal but there's still a chance so we want to rule it out completely.

My Pap smear also came back with an abnormality that puts me at risk for cervical cancer. So I'm going to be getting a colposcopy done tomorrow just to check everything out and make sure it's okay, and if something looks weird they'll do a biopsy to check for cancer.

It's a lot to take in. I'm only 26, so it's unexpected to have cancer, and at this age to have an ovary removed would be a lot. If I have endometriosis or an ovary removed, my fertility could be affected, and that brings its own stress. But for now im just trying to not think about it and get to surgery and hopefully get some answers so that I can stop worrying.

It's a very real possibility that I have endometriosis or cancer and that's fucking scary. But I had therapy today and I told her that I didn't think I could handle it if I got news that I had either. She said that she didn't think she could handle several situations she's been through and she did, and she has all confidence that I could too. So she suggested I try not to worry or get preoccupied by it until I find out for certain whether or not I have it. Because worrying about it isn't doing anything for me right now, just getting in the way of other things.

So I feel a little better. But I'm still very nervous.

The reason I haven't been running is because I run a high risk of an ovarian torsion, especially in physical activity. So I'm waiting until after surgery, and I believe it'll be a few weeks after surgery until I'm cleared to go running. So it may be a while, but I will get back and running eventually. 

I'm not supposed to run but decided to anyway lol. It felt good, slightly painful, definitely aggravated the cysts at first but towards the end I could barely feel it. Might go again before surgery lol. It was nice to clear my head. 

I had a colposcopy done today and they took two biopsies. It honestly wasn't bad. A little painful but not as bad as people were making it out to be on the internet lol. Hopefully that's the same case with my surgery. 

Anxiously awaiting the day I will know that everything is okay. That as of right now there's no cancer or endometriosis so no reason to worry. That my ovary is intact and saved, with the cysts removed. I'm scared for if I don't get that news. But I'm trying not to dwell on that when it's only a possibility and not a diagnosis.

I ended up in the ER late Thursday night due to severe abdominal pain, I was worried about an ovarian torsion. Turned out my ovarian cyst had ruptured and either the other ones had resolved or had also ruptured because no cysts could be seen on the ultrasound. They just noted some free fluid in my pelvis. So while that was super painful, it was a really good thing because surgery was scheduled for Friday and because there were no more cysts surgery was not necessary. The past month has been a rollercoaster. So now it's a wait for 4 weeks and see kind of approach. I'll check back in with my OBGYN to see if I'm still having any pain and discuss getting on a birth control pill to stop ovulation as an attempt at preventing more cysts from forming. And then kind of go from there. My colposcopy came back normal so I don't have to worry about cervical cancer, just need to do another Pap smear in a year.

While I'm still in pain I'm glad to have it all resolved. 

This past week has been crazy, again. I've had several doctors appointments and an ER visit. I'm getting tired of doctors.

Life is really crazy right now. I hope to get back into the habit of running. But it's been so hard lately. Plus, I'm still not feeling the greatest. 

A few things going on:

1. Work- I verbally accepted a job as a special needs community and employment manager, just waiting for the director of the company to send me the official offer letter so I can formally accept it and then I will put in my two weeks resignation at my current job. Crazy opportunity that I feel like I can't pass up, and I nailed the interview, and I'm hopeful that this will be an amazing progression in my career. 
2. Dating- Noah leaves for Belgium on Sunday, been really sad about that (it's been complicated with him, we called it quits as a committed relationship a while ago but have continued meeting up but I said goodbye already and I'm so sad he's moving, but happy for him). TJ and I have also continued to meet, however I'm not sure if it'll go anywhere. It's more of a situationship lol. 
3. Physical Health- my kidneys were shutting down and dropped GFR by 31 in 2 weeks with elevated creatinine. Dropped all the way to 55, so that was concerning. But it actually went back up to 70 this week so that's a huge relief. My ovarian cysts ruptured. Been experiencing back pain, got pretty severe. And now I'm severely constipated lol and I'm having both abdominal and back pain. Pounding the laxatives and have been for 4 days, hopefully things start moving soon. 
4. Mental Health- I'm currently in a mixed bipolar episode. Both depressed and hypomanic (possibly full blown mania, but I'm not sure). I'm super irritable, energized, talking more than normal, more friendly than usual, feeling impulsive and straining to keep myself from doing something I'll regret, feeling a bit restless, intense distractibility, and having trouble remembering things I've done the past few days (for instance I texted my therapist and remembered texting her when she asked about it but I couldn't remember what I said in the text). And depression symptoms I'm experiencing are little interest in doing anything, wanting to stay in bed all day, crying, existential dread, dreading work or responsibilities, feeling burnt out from work, and passive suicidal thoughts without a plan. I also alternate between inflated self-esteem and low self-esteem. Feeling like I'm a boss and a badass then the next minute feeling like I'm no better than a piece of shit. It's a strange experience. 
5. Finances- I'm broke AF lol. Needing a lot of care with no money to get it. I also owe a ton due to three ER visits (it's been a hard month). Trying to apply for financial assistance, hoping I qualify.

Life's been hard lately and I'm still trying to get back on my feet. Feels like I can never catch a break. But when I start thinking like that I start feeling a little suicidal so I try to focus on the thoughts that produce the higher self-esteem, however that doesn't always work. Mixed episodes are a bitch. Sorry for the swear. 

Long story short I was in the hospital for mental health from Saturday to today, I don't really want to get into that right now. Proud of myself because I checked myself in when I knew I needed it. 

Feeling really sad because Noah moved. Also excited and nervous for my new job. But overall happy for what's to come.

Running wise I was exhausted after 10 steps. I felt like I was going up a steep hill even though it was relatively flat. I was disappointed because I was hoping to go 4 miles. But even after a half mile I knew that wasn't happening. I wonder if it's my hypothyroidism that's causing this fatigue even in running. I am generally fatigue but damn, that was rough and almost embarrassing how much I was struggling. I walked the last .4 to my house because I just was so tired. 

Moderate run with my roommates dog lol. She was pulling me along in the beginning then side by side with me at the end. She's a good running dog haha. It was just under 9:00 pace. 

I'm still a bit fatigued but thankfully not near as much as before. Definitely felt it on the run today but it's all good. 

I start my new job on Monday as the employment and community engagement manager at a company that serves people with special needs. It's my first job as a manager but I'm excited yet nervous for the change. It sounds like a fun job honestly but there is a ton of responsibilities that come with it. Either way, I'm stoked to have landed such a job. 

8:27 average

Felt fairly decent for being out of shape. A remarkable improvement from one and two weeks ago though. Last week I felt like I was getting sick so my chest and throat burned on the run, the week before that I had severe fatigue and felt like I was running up a mountain. Today I felt good, out of shape but good. It was somewhat enjoyable especially with music.

I have a lot going on, difficult to summarize. It's been pretty difficult but at the same time I'm doing remarkably well all things considered. 

I had therapy today and it's given me a lot to think about. I'm lucky to be alive. My therapist thought when she took me on as a client that I was going to commit suicide, that's how severely depressed I was, and then the change in me has been remarkable. But she said today that I seem to have a victim mindset, and I've been thinking about how wonderful that would be to change my inner narrative to be one of hope and pride. Rather than waiting for the next bad thing to happen to me and only focus on those things that go wrong, change it so that I'm celebrating my victories and looking for the good. Even though the world can be a shitty place sometimes, it can be really amazing too. Making the shift to a victory mindset will I think make all the difference.

I ended up in the ER around 1 am due to severe and sudden abdominal pain that started around midnight. Just my luck, I have another hemorrhagic ovarian cyst this time on the left ovary, plus free fluid in my left adnexa around the ovary, slightly prominent free fluid in the cul-de-sac, and free fluid in right and upper left quadrant. What the free fluid is from, I don't know, but it would make sense if it was another cyst that had ruptured. Would explain my pain. The fluid and hemorrhagic cyst can explain my pain as well.

I have a history of ovarian cysts. One ruptured on my right ovary last August, then discovered a large one in February on my right ovary, then discovered 3 large ones on the same (right) ovary in June and was scheduled for surgery until they ruptured 2 days before surgery. And now this one on my left ovary. I don't know what the solution is, but I'm over these damn cysts. They hurt like hell when they rupture and put me at risk of ovarian torsion when they get big. 

All this to say, no running today. I slept maybe an hour if that in the ER, so I caught up on some sleep throughout the day (decided not to work today). 

2 miles easy this morning, 8:47 average. Average HR- 161 bpm, Max HR 179 bpm

I love Nothing but Thieves. They've got some great music. 

2 miles, 8:34 average.

I recently got an Apple Watch that monitors HR so I wore that today (been using Nike run app instead of garmin lately, which is useful for regular runs. If I start doing actual workouts I'll switch back to the garmin). I averaged 163 bpm and highest HR was 178bpm, which is 84% and 92% of my max HR respectively. Which would've put me into Zone 3- tempo for an average of the run and Zone 5- anaerobic for my max HR. It kind of helps me feel like I can relax more and don't have to be so anxious about if I'm running fast enough, because I am. It also supports the evidence that my body is struggling with fatigue. I know that already, but to see proof in my HR that I'm working hard is reassuring because I've been discouraged about my effort vs. my pace. 

I decided to decrease the pace and see how it felt to go slower and if that feels more manageable than pushing myself to be sub 9:00. I just ran at a slower pace that felt comfortable. I ended up averaging 9:20/mile. My HR was lower with a 155 bpm average. My max HR was still 174 bpm but the average was much lower than Tuesday's run, confirming for me that I need to slow it down even though I feel like I'm running so slow. I need to listen to my body, and my body is extremely fatigued so of course I'm not going to be running super fast right now. 

Update on the fatigue. It's like fighting tooth and nail to get a doctor to test my iron and ferritin levels. They see that my hematocrit and hemoglobin are within normal range and automatically assume it can't be anemia, but anemia is different than iron deficiency. I've had low iron levels before so I'm highly suspicious it's that. But another explanation could be my thyroid, which I know is struggling, but my TSH has been in normal range for a couple weeks now and I've been taking thyroid medication for 5 weeks now and my symptoms are worsening not getting better. A couple different people have told me that they can see the fatigue in my face, and my hair is falling out at an alarming amount. I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday the 28th but that's a ways away, and I'm suffering and have been for 6 weeks. I'm just so done. 

That's not to mention my ovarian cyst issues, which are ongoing even now. I have a hemorrhagic cyst on my left ovary currently and free fluid in my pelvis as of my most recent ER visit, indicating another ruptured cyst. Physically I'm just struggling, but I'm hoping I'll turn the corner here soon. 

2 miles easy sub 9:00 pace. I was sore from the hike with Brian yesterday. 

I just wanted to share a little about my work. Today I secured a client a job and it made her day, she was so happy. It's her first job. So that was really sweet. I also had a 3 day long training this week that gave me a lot of direction on how to better do my job. I am the employment manager at a special needs company and it's been a really fun job but also really challenging. I have 11 or 12 clients and I'm currently managing all but one, I have one staff under me that works solely with one client. We will likely hire another person that just interviewed today if she accepts the job. But realistically I need to hire 2 people because there are days where there are 3 clients at once needing job coaching. It's just a lot. I'm still trying to figure out if I can pass off some job development work on to my new staff or if that has to be done solely by me. A lot to figure out. But a great win today for securing my client a job, basically hiring a staff if she accepts the job, and taking two clients to vocational rehabilitation to get set up with them so that they can start their job search. Busy day but a good day. 

2 miles, 8:51 average

First track workout in years probably. 

1.75 miles warmup at 8:19 average pace, then a stride and some drills. Then got into the workout. 

1 mile- 7:21

Two 400s- 97, 91

The first 400 was starting out as an 800 but then I dropped. 

Half mile cool down

6 mile hike up by silver lake with Brian

2 miles easy, I think I'm getting sick. Plus I'm still overly fatigued and felt tired from yesterday, like I never recovered. 

Been having pelvic pain daily, my doctor suspects endometriosis. Gonna meet with my OBGYN Wednesday to discuss it. 

8:45 average pace

8:35 average

9:10 average 

8:45 average. My fatigue is unreal. I was hoping to do 6 miles but quickly realized the wouldn't be possible with my fatigue. I feel like I'm in good enough shape to do it, my breathing is even and relaxed. I'm just so damn tired and it takes so much effort. 

My thyroid is functioning fine, so now I have no idea why I'm so fatigued. My iron was normal, thyroid is normal, I'm just feeling like I'm going insane because obviously something is off but every test we run comes back normal. It's really frustrating. People can tell and tell me I look really tired all the time. 

I suspect I might have endometriosis, but that can only be diagnosed in surgery. It could potentially cause fatigue, but I just don't know. My fear is they'll do a laparoscopic surgery and it'll be for nothing because nothing will be there. I feel like im going crazy because they can never find anything.

Been having pelvic pain, irregular periods, bloating, weight gain, hair loss, and fatigue. Some of those overlap with hypothyroidism, which I was diagnosed with earlier in the summer, but is apparently not an issue anymore because my labs are all normal. So it's possible I have Endo. Would explain my unexplained pelvic pain and irregular cycles and bloating. 

So I decided to test my ferritin, which tests the iron stores. My ferritin is 17. I've been doing research on it, anything under 30 is considered an absolute iron deficiency. You can still experience symptoms below 100 and above 30 even though it's not a full iron deficiency. So above 100 is what you want. 17! No wonder I'm so exhausted and my hair is falling out. I knew something was wrong! I'm so glad to have finally figured it out. 

it's not an overnight fix, it'll be a few months before it goes back to normal. From what I read you want to actually have levels above 125 for 6 months to let your body know you have enough iron, then you can drop back down to 100. 

I can't believe I was right haha. I suspected iron deficiency from the beginning and finally convinced my doctor to test my iron but it all came back normal. Then I realized he didn't test my ferritin, and I kinda shrugged it off for a month, but I'm so damn glad I decided to get it tested myself.

So that's why running has been tough lately, I have a real explanation!! God that feels good. 

Yep still fatigued. 9:09 average. 

Track workout today. My fatigue has gotten a little better with day to day stuff and I was excited to see if it would transfer over into running, but I still felt terrible. But it's ok. 

1.5 miles warmup at 8:17 pace. 

600- 2:28

400s- 1:47, 1:41, 91

Mile cool down at 9:40 pace. 

8:49 average

2 miles at 8:09 average. Feeling more energized, but very much out of shape. 

1.25 easy with Brian after our hike up little mountain. I was dead after a mile of running and the 4 mile hike. Started getting lightheaded so I called it quits. It was around 8:30pace. 

2 miles easy. Felt meh. More energy, but again just very out of shape. 8:38 average

Feeling very tired and sore. 8:38 average

1.5 miles warmup at a quicker pace (8:09). Workout was 2 sets of 200, 400, 200- each with 200 rest. It was on the road since there was a game going on at the track. 

1st set: 49, 94, 51

2nd set: 43, 98, 51

About 200 cool down cause I was tired. 

8:37 average. Was with a group of people, it was fun and it pushed me. Feeling happy for finishing 4 miles. I started dying/feeling fatigued around 1.5 miles in. 

I had some lab work done yesterday to check my iron levels again. In 3 weeks my ferritin jumped from 17 to 40. Glad to see the supplements are helping. But yes, still iron deficient. It'll probably be a couple months before I get to optimal range. 

Easy run, didn't feel amazing but still progress 

Did a 1.5 mile warmup then hill repeats. The hill was just short of a quarter mile up. I dropped after 4 because it felt like I couldn't breathe towards the top of the hill, I was breathing so heavy and fast and felt lightheaded. It's like I wasn't getting enough air. I wonder if it's iron deficiency related, probably. But I called it after that and did a mile cool down. 

I can't wait for my iron to get back to normal.

Easy run. My stomach was hurting I think because I took iron supplements on an empty stomach then went running right after. 

3 with Brian at Sugarhouse park running laps. 8:27 average. I still just feel so terribly out of shape, but I know I'm in better shape than I feel. I think it's the iron deficiency that's causing me to feel so lethargic and out of breath. It'll be a couple months before that's up to normal range, so it's just dealing with that.

I got approved for Ketamine treatments by my insurance, so I likely won't make it to track Tuesday with everyone for a few weeks. They're almost all scheduled on Tuesdays.

Ketamine infusion this afternoon. So no running. 

The thing I tripped up on the most was the realization that not everyone has either a physical or mental disability (depression, bipolar, etc are considered disabilities). So some people are like... fine? Mind blown haha. I guess I just keep telling myself everyone has it rough but no, I've had a hard life and I have a legitimate disability so those two things have made it miraculous for me to still be alive quite honestly. 

Hiked 9+ miles (Angels Landing and Emerald Pools in Zion National Park)

Hiked Cedar Breaks 4 miles

3 miles with the group to a couple different bars around SLC. It was a blast

5 easy miles. 9:12 average. This was my longest run in a looong time. For whatever reason, my lower calves and bottoms of my feet were sooo tight and hurt really bad. I would've pushed the pace a little if not for that. But anyway, I felt great energy wise which I think is a sign my iron levels are getting closer to normal range. I was excited to get out and run. 

My body has changed, I gained 20 lbs since July so I want to lose it. (From 130lbs to 150lbs. I'm 5'9" so it's still in healthy range, but I don't like it haha. I'm used to being pretty thin). I think it was because of the iron deficiency actually, weight gain is a symptom. Thankfully I think I'm done gaining weight, now it's just time to lose it. I'm sure that as I start running more it'll come off naturally, just like it did when I came home from my mission and started up running again. 

Easy 3

5 miles with Ashley. It was a good time

2 miles with Wilson (Patrick's dog).

Easy 3.25 after a ketamine treatment. Was it smart to go running after ketamine? I don't know but I did it anyway

East 3 at 8:58 pace

Calculated wrong and went an extra half mile lol. I was planning on 7. But hey I just proved to myself I'm capable of more than I thought. 8:58 average. Felt like I hit a wall at 4 miles, but I pushed through. 

Ferritin is up to 52, so still not where it should be but slowly getting better. Feeling 100x better than when it was at 17. 

Easy with Brian and Sierra. Feeling dead tired, probably from being sick this past week. Got new shoes so that feels great. But yeah I bailed early because I wasn't feeling great, they continued to 6. 9:18 average, oof. 

Started out at a medium pace and ended up pushing the pace by the end because I felt really good. I'm very happy about this run. 8:05 average. Splits 8:21, 8:23, 8:20, 7:49, 7:31. 

3 with Brian, pushed the pace. 7:37 average

4.75 miles, 9:05 average

Easy run with the group, 8:34 average

4 miles easy, 8:52 average

3 miles easy, 8:33 average

Workout up at Little Dell with Brian, Jon and Kara to get above the inversion and still get a good workout in.

Warmup, then 4x400m with 400m recovery (on the road- 400m out hard 400m back easy). It was a dip so started on a downhill and ended on an uphill. Splits were 91, 87, 92, 89.

Felt like it was a good workout, I'm definitely out of shape and feeling it but considering that I thought it went well.