Sock tans

Having some health issues at the moment so I'm not running. I'll be having surgery soon, although I'm not sure exactly when. I'll hopefully have the surgery scheduled on Monday.

I had an ultrasound done which showed 3 cysts on my right ovary. 2 are hemorrhagic at 4.4cm and 3.5cm and the third is 3.6cm. My gynecologist said we're working with 10cm of just cysts not including ovarian tissue. He suspects the reason I keep getting cysts and only on my right ovary is either because of endometriosis or a tumor in my ovary. During surgery he will remove my cysts, right ovary and right fallopian tube. He'll do a diagnostic laparotomy to look for endometriosis and will send the cysts and ovary to pathology to determine if there is a tumor. My CA 125 came back in normal range, and my gynecologist thought it was unlikely it would be cancer to begin with, so I think that rules that out. 

It's been a tough couple of weeks. Just been feeling weird symptoms and pain. And all sorts of emotions. My hormones are definitely imbalanced so I'm just feeling not like myself, and the cysts are pushing on my bladder so I have to frequently go to the bathroom. I'm having referred pain in my back and other side of my abdomen, as well as pain where my ovary is. I'm also very lightheaded but it comes and goes, and have had nausea but that's not as frequent. I've been more moody and impatient than normal, too, which has proven difficult in my job that requires a lot of patience and emotional control. I'm nervous for surgery but also just want to get it over with so I can start feeling better.

Having all the feelings, scared about what this means for my fertility. My gynecologist says that with my left ovary looking normal I'll still be able to get pregnant. I just worry that it'll make it more difficult, or that this is the start of a long journey to infertility. Just hard to take in. 

As an update, I got a second opinion and rescheduled surgery with her because she said she thought she could save my ovary. I feel a lot more comfortable having her do the surgery. 

Surgery is scheduled for Friday. She'll be performing a cystectomy and looking for endometriosis and making sure everything looks good. There is a chance that she would have to remove the entire ovary, but that isn't likely. She also said there's a chance she'd have to do a full open surgery if she couldn't see or get to something or if there was a complication, but that's also not likely. I forgot to ask her to clarify but I believe she will also biopsy both ovaries to check for cancer, which isn't likely given my CA 125 came back normal but there's still a chance so we want to rule it out completely.

My Pap smear also came back with an abnormality that puts me at risk for cervical cancer. So I'm going to be getting a colposcopy done tomorrow just to check everything out and make sure it's okay, and if something looks weird they'll do a biopsy to check for cancer.

It's a lot to take in. I'm only 26, so it's unexpected to have cancer, and at this age to have an ovary removed would be a lot. If I have endometriosis or an ovary removed, my fertility could be affected, and that brings its own stress. But for now im just trying to not think about it and get to surgery and hopefully get some answers so that I can stop worrying.

It's a very real possibility that I have endometriosis or cancer and that's fucking scary. But I had therapy today and I told her that I didn't think I could handle it if I got news that I had either. She said that she didn't think she could handle several situations she's been through and she did, and she has all confidence that I could too. So she suggested I try not to worry or get preoccupied by it until I find out for certain whether or not I have it. Because worrying about it isn't doing anything for me right now, just getting in the way of other things.

So I feel a little better. But I'm still very nervous.

The reason I haven't been running is because I run a high risk of an ovarian torsion, especially in physical activity. So I'm waiting until after surgery, and I believe it'll be a few weeks after surgery until I'm cleared to go running. So it may be a while, but I will get back and running eventually. 

I'm not supposed to run but decided to anyway lol. It felt good, slightly painful, definitely aggravated the cysts at first but towards the end I could barely feel it. Might go again before surgery lol. It was nice to clear my head. 

I had a colposcopy done today and they took two biopsies. It honestly wasn't bad. A little painful but not as bad as people were making it out to be on the internet lol. Hopefully that's the same case with my surgery. 

Anxiously awaiting the day I will know that everything is okay. That as of right now there's no cancer or endometriosis so no reason to worry. That my ovary is intact and saved, with the cysts removed. I'm scared for if I don't get that news. But I'm trying not to dwell on that when it's only a possibility and not a diagnosis.