Sock tans

2 miles easy. Ish. Running is hard when you're out of shape, lol. I just ran at a pace I felt I could maintain, which ended up being 8:41 pace. Not too shabby. It wasn't my legs that were tired actually, it was my lungs that hurt.

I had a conversation with Noah last night about running/working out and it kind of shifted my mindset about getting back into running. He was saying that if I approach running with the idea that I'll push myself until I can get to comfortable distance and run that every day without too much effort and enjoy it for a month or so, until I get bored then increase for the next month until it feels comfortable and enjoy it for another month or until I get bored of the new distance and increase again, it will be a lot more enjoyable. The problem with running in high school and college so competitively is that I started to resent it and lost the enjoyment. So I think that is the approach I'm going to take. I'm going to run 2 miles a day until I feel comfortable with it, enjoy it for a while, then when I'm bored of running 2 miles and feel like I could do more and want to do more, then I will increase my mileage. Slowly but surely, but with no pressure. And if I want to run more one day great, but I'm not going to force myself to do more than I feel like. Hopefully that will help me enjoy running again. 

Also, as an update. I broke up with TJ/Tim/Timothy (he goes by all 3). I got tired of feeling like I was a second thought. I was tired of feeling like he didn't really care to get to know me, he was too busy with other things and that's okay, but it's not what I wanted for a relationship. I wanted a deeper connection and it honestly seemed like he was emotionally unavailable. I got on bumble pretty soon after because I knew what I wanted, changed my profile to reflect what I wanted and was pretty honest about that in my bio, and started swiping. I think online dating is a lot different for girls than it is for guys, because it seems like every guy I talk to only gets like 2-3 matches in a few weeks and (not to be arrogant or anything, I honestly think it's just the sheer number of guys on dating apps and not as many girls) I get a hella lot of matches within a few days and struggled to keep up with the conversations. But then on Saturday I matched with Noah, and we spontaneously decided to meet up, and we just hit it off. Honestly, the best time I've ever had, and not because the things we've done have been adventurous or creative, like literally we just went to beans and brews and grabbed coffee and talked on Saturday, but because talking and being with him is so much fun. The last time I felt that instant connection and like we could talk for hours was with Sawyer, the guy I almost married in 2020. I'm not saying this is going to go anywhere with Noah, I honestly don't know, I'm just going with the flow. But we've both talked about how we're wanting to be serious about dating now, it's not just for fun. It is fun, but like, we both want to eventually get in a committed relationship, if things continued going well. I've enjoyed talking to Noah so much that I stopped talking to other guys and I'm not pursuing anyone else, I'm going to see how things go with him. Which is different from how I felt with TJ, I was still wanting to go on dates with other guys until we had the exclusivity talk. I don't care to do that and I'm not overthinking everything because I like Noah so much and enjoy my time with him. I know it's been less than a week since we met, but I guess what I'm saying is there is a real spark there and it's so exciting. Such a nice change from how sad and insecure I was about how things were going with TJ. I think ending things with him was the right thing to do, even if I still am a bit sad about it. Every now and then I am sad and I miss him, but also, if I hadn't done that I never would've met Noah, and I'm fucking excited to see where things go with him. We're goinng to try west coast swing dancing tonight, neither of us have done it but both have been interested in trying it, so we will see how that goes. 

I'm going to try running as much as I can but I'm not going to put up the expectation for me to run every day, because I think that's unrealistic. I'm gonna try for 3 days a week until I get more into it. 

Met Patrick and Nathan at Sugarhouse park, they were doing a long run and I joined in for the middle part. It was fun :) I set out to just do 2 miles but ended up doing 3 at 8:24 average. I'm out of shape and feel it most in my lungs. But it felt good to get out and do it. 

Not sure if I'll have time to run today, I'm working a 10 hour shift. This week is a busy week at work.

I got in for a couple physical therapy appointments, my first one is tomorrow morning. Then it jumps out to the 25th and 5th. My lower back has been causing me issues, it's not constant pain but it's VERY painful when it does flare up. I'm thinking it's my SI joints because that's what I had a problem with in college running. If I'm sitting or laying down for a while, it's like it stiffens up or settles into misalignment. Then when I go to get up and move, it catches and causes me intense pain that can shoot down into my hip that is only relieved when I hear and feel a pop in my low back. Which is what makes me think it's the SI joint. So it'll be good to figure out if there are exercises that can help strengthen my muscles to keep the joint in place/aligned, or if there's something else going on. Just really annoying and bothersome. 

Easy 2, 8:16 average. This last week was crazy busy, but I'm gonna make an effort to either wake up early this week to run 2 miles in the morning or go running immediately after I get home from work. It's honestly just finding the time and motivation to go that's hard, not necessarily the running part.

Noah and I had a talk this morning and have established that we're exclusively seeing each other. We didn't have time to really talk in depth about it and plan to do so at a later date when we do have time, but he said that to anyone on the streets he would call me his girlfriend. He's genuinely one of the sweetest guys I have ever met. I'm very lucky. 

7:58 average. Felt good. Took advantage of the warm weather!

Physical therapy this morning. 

Hard night tonight. Currently watching my twin exhibit self-destructive behaviors. He's homeless, living out of his car currently. His car just got signed over to a repossession company yesterday, so as soon as they find his car it'll get towed and he'll have absolutely nothing. He hasn't had a job for 7 months and has refused to work. He has severe mental health issues and in my opinion, and from what I've described to my therapist she agrees with my opinion, he is in need of serious mental help like an inpatient stay. I've brought it up to him, my dad has also brought it up to him, but he refuses to go.

It's incredibly frustrating because he doesn't recognize the help that me and my dad have given him. Especially my dad. He's done so much to help him. But my brother just doesn't see it, or doesn't appreciate it.

Honestly, it was a very tough night. I haven't cried that hard in a long time. I met up with my brother and saw the full extent of his situation, and he doesn't recognize how serious it is. He decides to smoke and try not to think about his problems rather than come up with solutions. It was heartbreaking. I helped him out with getting access to his W-2 so he can file his taxes (actually my dad is going to do it for him). It was like he didn't even know where to start with that. I honestly felt like I was back at work helping a client. Which is sad, because he's just far enough above the cutoff for disability help. He's just smart enough and capable enough to where he doesn't qualify, but he obviously needs the help.

I eventually came to the conclusion that I can't watch him destroy his life. He has every right to do whatever he wants with it, it is his life after all. But I also need to take care of my own mental health, and watching him creep closer to death every day (either through starvation, hypothermia, or death by suicide) is too much for me to handle. I can't bear it. So I need to take a step back. I decided to put up the boundary that I can no longer provide him with food (I've been trying to help him where I can, but I realized feeding him will only delay the inevitable- I'm fighting a losing battle. The only person that can truly help him is himsef). I also established the boundary that the only help I can offer him is to take him to UNI. I told him he can reach out to me if he wants my help taking him inpatient, but otherwise, I can't be a part of his life until he decides to start helping himself.

It was very difficult to do. I'm grieving. I know that there's a real possibility tonight was the last night I'll ever see my twin. Unless he decides to step up and turn his life around, at which point I will happily try to help him the best I know how. But I have done my best. And I'm incredibly sad, but I know this is the best thing I could do for myself. I need to take care of myself, too, I can't get so lost in taking care of others that I forget to take care of myself. And my mental health is important, too.

Tough night. Any advice or words of encouragement are appreciated, I'm incredibly sad tonight at the thought of potentially losing my brother. I know we're not there yet, but it is a possibility, and for now I choose to feel my emotions and be sad and scared about it. For the past few months I've been trying to distract myself and try not to think about it, but now I need to face it and feel it, and damn it's the hardest thing in the world to watch someone deteriorate and destroy everything they had going for them. 

Went running to blow off some steam. It's a long story, but my car got towed last night and I had to drop $400 to get it back. I was saving that for car repairs that I was already stressed about, so now I'm screwed. Had to apply to take out a personal loan today because I can't really wait to repair my car. I think I'll hear back about that on Monday so I'm just crossing my fingers I get approved. Planning on paying it off as fast as I can, the loan will be for 2 years but I'm hoping to pay it all back within a few months. Might get a second job just to get me out of this hole.

Just trying to be positive. I'm grateful I had a credit card so that I could pay the $400, otherwise I might not have gotten my car back. They needed it all up front, and each day it was in the lot the fees go up, so I needed to get it back asap. Just a really crappy situation, ultimately it's my fault for not seeing the signs at the entrance to the parking lot about needing an authorization to park there, but I'm mad because multiple people who knew about it failed to let me know my car could get towed.

I was just starting to feel like I could breathe, like I don't have to worry about where my next meal will come from. I finally had a couple hundred extra and was starting to get back to weekly therapy etc. but now I'm back to struggling, I have to make it a week on $200 and have a psychiatry appointment on Monday, which is $55, and then I drive so much for work that I have to fill up twice within a week, so there goes another $100 because gas is expensive and my car has terrible gas mileage, and I have no food because I need to go grocery shopping... so now I'm stressed. Ugh. I thought I was past this, but when it rains it pours right? Multiple car repairs need to be done, plus the towing, just unforeseen circumstances. 

2 miles easy in the snow. 8:45 average

I'm going to make an effort to wake up early and go running before work and see if that helps me get out.

2 miles at a good effort, 7:30 average

I signed up for the Deseret News 10k. Hoping to be in good shape by then. I've got 4 months to train :) so I think I'll start by just getting out and doing runs then in May or June start doing tempos and long runs. Trying to enjoy the process without getting burnt out.

I had therapy today, she said I seemed really grounded today. More grounded than she'd ever seen me. She said she's seen a complete 180 switch ever since I started doing ketamine. It feels good to be back in a good spot and know that I do have some control in preventing a mental health crisis. I just have to stay on top of ketamine, meds, and therapy.

I've also done a lot of healing. I didn't use to care whether I lived or died. I thought I had nothing to lose. Now, I have everything to lose. I value my life. I have a future ahead of me, I have people who care about me, and I have good experiences yet to happen.

Didn't run, sad day (haha, but literally tho. Received some hard news today. Noah's likely moving either across the country or to Belgium for a new job opportunity within the next few months. I am pretty heartbroken over it, but hey, that's life right?)

2 miles, 8:11 average. Very windy. 

No running yesterday or today. I literally came home from work at 6pm tonight and by 7pm I was out cold. Long 10hr work day, coupled with little sleep this week called for some catching up on sleep. Now it's 12am and I'm wide awake, lol :) just don't trust that running this late at night is the best idea, so I will wait until tomorrow. 

I registered for the St. George half marathon tonight, I had a deferment from the previous year because I decided not to do it. I'm hoping that the training for the Deseret news 10k this summer will help motivate me to do the St. George half. I think getting in shape is the hardest part.

I know I didn't run every day this week, but I've made progress. Hoping to increase the number of days next week.