Sock tans

I ended up in the ER late Thursday night due to severe abdominal pain, I was worried about an ovarian torsion. Turned out my ovarian cyst had ruptured and either the other ones had resolved or had also ruptured because no cysts could be seen on the ultrasound. They just noted some free fluid in my pelvis. So while that was super painful, it was a really good thing because surgery was scheduled for Friday and because there were no more cysts surgery was not necessary. The past month has been a rollercoaster. So now it's a wait for 4 weeks and see kind of approach. I'll check back in with my OBGYN to see if I'm still having any pain and discuss getting on a birth control pill to stop ovulation as an attempt at preventing more cysts from forming. And then kind of go from there. My colposcopy came back normal so I don't have to worry about cervical cancer, just need to do another Pap smear in a year.

While I'm still in pain I'm glad to have it all resolved. 

This past week has been crazy, again. I've had several doctors appointments and an ER visit. I'm getting tired of doctors.

Life is really crazy right now. I hope to get back into the habit of running. But it's been so hard lately. Plus, I'm still not feeling the greatest. 

A few things going on:

1. Work- I verbally accepted a job as a special needs community and employment manager, just waiting for the director of the company to send me the official offer letter so I can formally accept it and then I will put in my two weeks resignation at my current job. Crazy opportunity that I feel like I can't pass up, and I nailed the interview, and I'm hopeful that this will be an amazing progression in my career. 
2. Dating- Noah leaves for Belgium on Sunday, been really sad about that (it's been complicated with him, we called it quits as a committed relationship a while ago but have continued meeting up but I said goodbye already and I'm so sad he's moving, but happy for him). TJ and I have also continued to meet, however I'm not sure if it'll go anywhere. It's more of a situationship lol. 
3. Physical Health- my kidneys were shutting down and dropped GFR by 31 in 2 weeks with elevated creatinine. Dropped all the way to 55, so that was concerning. But it actually went back up to 70 this week so that's a huge relief. My ovarian cysts ruptured. Been experiencing back pain, got pretty severe. And now I'm severely constipated lol and I'm having both abdominal and back pain. Pounding the laxatives and have been for 4 days, hopefully things start moving soon. 
4. Mental Health- I'm currently in a mixed bipolar episode. Both depressed and hypomanic (possibly full blown mania, but I'm not sure). I'm super irritable, energized, talking more than normal, more friendly than usual, feeling impulsive and straining to keep myself from doing something I'll regret, feeling a bit restless, intense distractibility, and having trouble remembering things I've done the past few days (for instance I texted my therapist and remembered texting her when she asked about it but I couldn't remember what I said in the text). And depression symptoms I'm experiencing are little interest in doing anything, wanting to stay in bed all day, crying, existential dread, dreading work or responsibilities, feeling burnt out from work, and passive suicidal thoughts without a plan. I also alternate between inflated self-esteem and low self-esteem. Feeling like I'm a boss and a badass then the next minute feeling like I'm no better than a piece of shit. It's a strange experience. 
5. Finances- I'm broke AF lol. Needing a lot of care with no money to get it. I also owe a ton due to three ER visits (it's been a hard month). Trying to apply for financial assistance, hoping I qualify.

Life's been hard lately and I'm still trying to get back on my feet. Feels like I can never catch a break. But when I start thinking like that I start feeling a little suicidal so I try to focus on the thoughts that produce the higher self-esteem, however that doesn't always work. Mixed episodes are a bitch. Sorry for the swear. 

Long story short I was in the hospital for mental health from Saturday to today, I don't really want to get into that right now. Proud of myself because I checked myself in when I knew I needed it. 

Feeling really sad because Noah moved. Also excited and nervous for my new job. But overall happy for what's to come.

Running wise I was exhausted after 10 steps. I felt like I was going up a steep hill even though it was relatively flat. I was disappointed because I was hoping to go 4 miles. But even after a half mile I knew that wasn't happening. I wonder if it's my hypothyroidism that's causing this fatigue even in running. I am generally fatigue but damn, that was rough and almost embarrassing how much I was struggling. I walked the last .4 to my house because I just was so tired. 

Moderate run with my roommates dog lol. She was pulling me along in the beginning then side by side with me at the end. She's a good running dog haha. It was just under 9:00 pace. 

I'm still a bit fatigued but thankfully not near as much as before. Definitely felt it on the run today but it's all good. 

I start my new job on Monday as the employment and community engagement manager at a company that serves people with special needs. It's my first job as a manager but I'm excited yet nervous for the change. It sounds like a fun job honestly but there is a ton of responsibilities that come with it. Either way, I'm stoked to have landed such a job.