Sock tans

Well it's been a solid month since I last ran. Lol. 

I think I'm ready to start running again. It's just finding the time that's difficult. And the motivation. So I'm not sure if it'll be an every day thing, but I'm going to make it my goal to run at least 3 times next week. 

Life update: I hit my year mark at my job on the 14th. I got a raise, and I got offered a lead position creating my own program and making it my own. I can literally do whatever I want with the clients. Hiking, snow shoeing, anything. That'll start in a couple months, they just said I have to have 45 days of perfect attendance before it can start up. Since I've had to take so much time off for health reasons. So I'm just hoping my health works with me and I can do it. 

My mental health is still a struggle. I'm just surviving right now. But hey, I'm alive. Lol. I'm in an IOP program, that will end in a couple weeks. I'm gonna see if my insurance will extend it, but I'm not sure if they will. I'm also in individual therapy. And I see a psychiatrist every few weeks. I haven't been consistent with my meds the last month, so I'm feeling it.

I recently (in the last month) decided to try drinking. I think it was a bad idea honestly. I can see how it's detrimental to my health, and I just found out that people with bipolar disorder have a 60% chance of developing drinking problems. That's a fairly high percentage. If I'm being honest, I already am drinking to avoid my problems, as a distraction. Which I don't think is healthy, so I know I need to either decide to only drink with friends or not drink at all. But there is a part of me that still wants to drink. Haha. I just have to be careful.

Anyways today I had work off so I decided to go running. I was also pretty angry this morning, for no reason. But running helped clear my head. I'm not angry anymore. Lol

I'm pretty out of shape, so I expected to make it 1.5 miles at like 11 or 12 minute pace. But I surprised myself. I made it 2 miles at 9:01 pace. Granted I had to stop and walk a few times and my chest was tight and I felt like I was dying, BUT I did it haha!

Well, another update. This time not so fun.

My mental health got out of control again, so Wednesday night my brother came to see me at my apartment and after talking with him for a while I made the decision to seek help. I called Huntsman Mental Health Institute on our way there, they said they didn't have any beds available and to go to the ER. So my brother took me to University Hospital's ER. At about 4am they told me they had a bed available at HMHI after all. So another half hour and my brother took me over there (about a 5 minute drive). 

I was feeling very hopeless, much more so than in the past. I still feel kind of hopeless if I'm being honest. But I was more intent on attempting suicide than I have been before. I wrote a suicide note, I went out and bought the alcohol I intended to overdose on and started drinking it. If my brother hadn't come, I would have had the whole bottle, or as much as I could drink before I passed out. Luckily I hadn't had too much, I'd barely started drinking when he came over around 9pm and I stopped drinking once he was there. At 3am my BAC was measured at 0.06, so not very high. Which was good because if it was higher I'd have had to stay in the ER longer until it dropped and they could assess me again while mostly sober.

I seemed to have mini withrawals from the alcohol, shaky hands, high anxiety and nausea. Which I was surprised about, I didn't think I'd already become dependent on alcohol. I still feel like I haven't drank enough for that, but alas.

All in all, I'm pretty depressed and don't know how long I'll be here. My doctor is hesitant to give me lithium anymore because that was my other suicide plan, to overdose on lithium. So I'm not looking forward to starting a new medication.

I was kind of bugged that he would even suggest latuda when I just got done explaining to him that financially I was not okay. Latuda is EXPENSIVE. I know, because I've been on it before. Ugh. But it's okay. I also got very passionate about him not putting me on Lamictal, that's the one that gave me severe hand tremors and I stopped taking then got suicidal and landed in the hospital again. Not going down that road. Not sure what he's going to put me on. I'm just difficult. Haha

Update: The doctor wants to start up lithium after all. So I'm going to start that back up tonight. I asked about ECT and Ketamine and they said no to ECT because of a recent trauma and Ketamine is outpatient apparently so that may be an option when I get out of the hospital. I'm more bugged about that than I should be. It's literally the same old thing over and over again. But it's whatever. I just need to be more consistent with my medications.

So since it's the weekend things are pretty relaxed around here, which makes it pretty boring honestly. But it's alright.

I've been able to give it some thought, and I'm starting to feel well enough to where I can recognize the danger I was in before I came here, and maybe feel something about it. Where before I honestly didn't care. I've had a few gut-punching moments where I realized how close I was to pushing myself too far and ending it all. Which is honestly a scary realization when you start to get out of the suicidal mindset and reset back to stability. It's interesting how much your thought processes change when you start feeling better and more stable.

I mostly feel bad because I'm not able to text people back while I'm here, I don't have access to my phone. I know there are a couple people trying to get in contact with me and I'm unable to respond (I briefly got permission to look at my texts, long story. Basically looking to see if my boss had replied to me, I'm worried about keeping my job after having had so much time off for hospitalizations and sicknesses. Still trying to figure out if they can fire me for that).

The doctors here have noted that I've had a blunted, flat, depressed, and anxious affect over the last couple of days, but today noted that I had a neutral affect. So improvement I think? We'll see if it lasts.

They noted that it's estimated I'll be here 7-10 days.

Feeling good today. More motivated to solve my problems rather than surrender to them.

I'm considering applying for disability. One of the patients here recommended a disability lawyer to me and honestly getting a lawyer sounds like the way to go. You don't have to pay them if your claim gets denied. You pay them when you get paid disability benefits, and they will back pay you when your claim is approved, meaning from when you were determined to be disabled to the time it took for your claim to be approved, you will be paid. Meaning there will be enough for you to pay your lawyer. Considering it takes an average of 16-18 months for a claim to get approved.

The only downfall is if I go this route I have to settle with the fact that I won't be able to work full-time, and I'm limited on how many hours I can work. I can't make more than a certain amount or else I won't qualify for disability. I'm definitely struggling to work full-time right now. I've averaged 21 hours a week, but I would have to drop to 15 hours a week to qualify. 

Lots to think about.