Sock tans

I haven't been doing the greatest over the last few weeks... I was feeling good and about 3 weeks ago I started being spotty with my meds. Then a week ago Thursday I stopped taking them altogether. My therapist says that this is very common for those with bipolar disorder to do- trick themselves into thinking they're fine or cured and don't need meds. Obviously that's a lie because I'm back in the hospital, yet again. 5th time's the charm, right? This time after prompting from my therapist I sought out help myself. Sometimes to be honest I wish I'd have just gone through with my plan because living is stressful and hard work and I don't really want to do it anymore. But I know this is only temporary and once my lithium levels are back up I'll feel better. Hopefully.

Also randomly this morning I threw up? Weird. I was feeling really nauseated when I woke up. But I've been able to hold down food since then. The nurse thinks it might be a side effect of one of my meds, after starting back up on such a high dose after so long of not taking it. But idk it was weird.

Anyways on Monday they will check my lithium level and then we'll go from there. 

As an update, I'm still here in the hospital (I have been since Thursday evening). My suicidal thoughts are lessening but are sometimes still present. My doctor will request a blood draw tomorrow to check my lithium levels, then depending on how I'm feeling and whether or not the lithium is at the right therapeutic dose we will evaluate and go from there. If I'm doing well and the level is good, I would anticipate discharge as soon as possible but I really don't know how long it will take for results to come back and for my doctor to sign off on everything and begin discharge paperwork. So my guess is we're probably looking at a Tuesday discharge date if all goes well, if not then later.

There's not too much to update today but I'm feeling a lot better.

Someone tested positive for COVID on our Unit yesterday so we were on quarantine until everyone else tested negative. The person who had COVID was discharged. So we just barely got the all-clear from staff that we're okay to go down to the cafeteria and do fresh air breaks and stuff like that. And also we are allowed to have visitors. 

I'm both happy and surprised that I've managed to test negative for COVID the three times I've been tested because like half of my family has COVID at the moment. We were all exposed at Christmas when my aunt tested positive the next day. So I thought maybe I'd have it as well but so far nope! Which makes me happy.

My lithium levels came back at 0.9 which is right within the therapeutic range. Discharge goal is Thursday, I just met with my social worker and that's what she told me. A little bugged because I feel good enough that I could leave today or tomorrow honestly but it is what it is.

I was released from the hospital yesterday afternoon. I'm feeling a lot better, no more suicidal thoughts. My boss brought over a giant sign with all my clients and coworkers handprints painted on the bottom along with some flowers. It was the sweetest thing. My coworkers and my boss all reached out to me some sharing that they've been there before too. I have such an amazing work environment I love the people I work with.

Here's a picture of the sign:

It may have made me tear up. It was the sweetest thing. I miss them. 

Today I decided to go for a run and it felt so freeing. After being cooped up for so long it's so nice to get back outside. I only ran 2 miles because I want to ease back into it and don't want to pressure myself to do more than I want to. I want to enjoy it. And I really did enjoy it.

Easy 3. Felt really good, shorts weather!

Side note: I weighed a lot less in the hospital than I was expecting. The last time I weighed myself (several months ago) I was 137. In my SUU days I was 128ish. One of the doctors asked me how much I weighed when I was borderline anorexic and I told him truthfully 128. Then I hop up on the scale and guess what? I was 128. Ummm... interesting. I was not expecting that. Haha.

Weight is always a little sensitive of a subject with me just because I did have so much struggle with it when I was at SUU. My coach had multiple meetings with me during which he suggested I try to get my weight down to 18% body fat or the lowest end of the BMI healthy range, which is 125/126lbs. I was really struggling to get below 130lbs so I started skipping meals and limiting how much I ate. And I know coach didn't intend for me to think it, but from all our conversations I began to fixate on my weight and believed myself to be the fattest girl on the team. When I was weighed in the hospital in March 2019 I was 128lbs, which also surprised me.

Anyway, I know muscle weighs more than fat so even though I'm the same weight I was when I was super fit and running for SUU, it doesn't really mean much because my fat percentage is higher. But I was still pleasantly surprised to see I was 128lbs. I thought for sure I'd be 137-140.

Anywho, not that weight really matters that much. As long as I'm in the normal/healthy range I'm good.

Well I'm 95% sure I have COVID. I'm just waiting for my test results to come back. But because I was exposed last Saturday and am showing symptoms and COVID is running rampant right now I'm pretty sure it's COVID. I had congestion and a small sore throat on Tuesday and left work early to go get tested (a rapid test, which I got from my aunt because they're out of them anywhere you go, which was negative but it was too soon to be tested and most likely a false negative- my mom was showing symptoms for 3 days before she tested positive). Then yesterday I waited in line for 3 hours to get a COVID test because I had a fever of 100.4. So needless to say I'm not working and just isolating myself from everyone else. It sucks both because I'm hurting financially (a hospital visit and contracting COVID in the same paycheck means getting paid for only 2.5 days this paycheck) and because I'm bored lol. Sigh. 

Still have a fever of 101.1. My results from Thursday still have not come back yet and they said they'd come back in 24-48 hours.... I looked up the reviews for the place I went to and some said they still hadn't received results 6 days after. Mad because that's 3 hours of time wasted when I could've been in line elsewhere and had my results back by now. So yesterday I went to a new place to get tested, waited another 3 hours just to be turned away because I'd only half registered (thought I was good because I got a QR code sent to my email) and they wouldn't accept it. I was so mad. So now I have another appointment to be tested tomorrow morning. By now it's likely I'll test negative because I'm getting over it. But still worth testing. Just hope it doesn't take forever to get it done. 

Checked my temperature this morning, it was down to 99.5. Hopefully that means it's going down for good.

I got my COVID test finally. I should know those results in 2-3 days. It'll probably be negative now that I'm recovering, but it's still worth knowing. My dad says I definitely have it, the only person that doubts whether or not I do is myself. Lol. Just because I was exposed 3 times and have a fever without major congestion body aches or chills, everything is consistent with COVID and not the flu or something like that.

Update 5:40pm: my fever is still 99.5. I read that if your fever lasts 5 or more days you should speak to your doctor. Today is 5 days with a fever. I'm thinking I'll wait until the morning to see if it goes down any more and if not, I'll go see a doctor. But I'm guessing it'll go down because it's dropped a bit from yesterday. Right now it's considered a low-grade fever so not as worrisome I don't think. It's just taking longer than normal to come down. 

My fever finally broke! So I decided to go running. I decided to just go 2 miles to start out slow.

I'm considering going back to school, this time being more confident in what I want to go into. Working with special needs adults has been the best thing for me. I feel like I've found my niche. So, I've decided I want to major in special education.

The next step is figuring out where I want to pursue my degree. Close by universities are the University of Utah and Utah Valley University. Honestly it will probably be one of those two. But I could also go back to Southern Utah University. I was going to consider BYU-Idaho, but no, I don't think that would work for me. I don't want to go back. I could also consider Weber State, but I'm not sure.

I really want to go back to SUU just because it's familiar and I had a good experience there, but I have to weigh other options first. UVU and the U of U intimidate me because I don't know their campuses well so I have a feeling I'd get majorly lost. But I'd learn it eventually right? UVU has a deaf studies minor where I could learn some ASL, which is one of my goals. Would add coursework but it would be worth it to learn some ASL in the field I'm going into. And being up in northern Utah is better for my mental health because all of my resources are here- therapist, psychiatrist, family. There's always zoom but that's not the same, and if I were to get in a bad place again mentally I wouldn't have the support system to get me the help I need safely. So SUU is probably out. 

I'm leaning towards UVU. I've already been admitted, but I don't think they have my most recent transcript that shows I have completed an Associates degree. When I looked to see what classes I'd have to take it said I have to take some generals, but I'm not sure if that's the case if I have an associates degree. I'm meeting with an academic advisor on Friday to discuss what I'd need to do to take things this direction. I also applied for FAFSA today for next school year. This year I had been offered grant money for UVU, but I wasn't ready yet. Obviously. But now I feel like I am, I could see myself going back to school in the fall. So I'm hoping I get offered grant money again. 

1 easy, went out planning on 2 but the air quality is so bad my lungs hurt. So I decided to cut it short