Sock tans

I moved over to Recovery Ways PHP program yesterday, which means I have my phone and I have more freedom. I can leave in the evenings and on weekends. So that'll be nice :) I have my car so I can go anywhere I want. It's very different here and kind of boring but so far so good. 

AM: FTR early morning workout. Heavy on legs.

PM: 1.5 mile run

Sorry it's been a week... lol.

So I had to add back the lithium because I kinda tanked. So we started that back up last night, it should take a few days for it to take full effect. 

I'm getting mixed signals about how long I'll be here, my therapist said I have authorization until the 23rd from my insurance then they'll do another evaluation to see if I can stay longer. But my case manager said she had put in my discharge date as the 15th. So not sure which it is, I'm guessing the 23rd one is more accurate but I'm not sure. That's just a long time to be here hahaha

After this I'll be going to IOP. Hopefully back at Salt Lake Behavioral Health like I was at before. 

Went running in the evening, I was struggling mentally and needed to get out running so I did. It's been a hard week. I did some really hard, but I'll admit courageous things this week. My left hip was randomly hurting to walk but running it felt fine so... weird  

Today I experienced the most intense cravings/impulses to drink alcohol. I got up and came back to PHP as soon as they got really strong, but damn. I think that's a sign I should never drink alcohol again, because I don't know when to stop drinking once I get started. And my suicide plan surrounded overdosing on alcohol and my meds, so I should probably be really really careful about that. It's just hard when you crave it. 

8:44 average

All of today was another struggle mentally. I don't know what it is. I'm just depressed because I don't see there ever being a time when I don't struggle. Bipolar disorder never "goes away." For me, it's always going to be a fight. And I'm just so tired. So tired of trying, of fighting, of pushing off the inevitable. It's just so hard.

People say "please stay" or "choose to stay" as if it's that easy not to think about or attempt suicide. It's not. It's really not. I've been fighting suicidal thoughts for 4 years and depressed for years before that. And it's not getting any better. I've tried more medications than I can remember, I've tried ECT, I've tried in-patient hospitals, I've tried therapy, I've tried residential treatment, I'm in a partial hospitalization program, I've tried an intensive outpatient program, and it's always come back. And sometimes, I don't think it's something that the right medication or the right treatment can fix. I've spent thousands of dollars on treatments and I'm. Still. Struggling. I've chosen to "stay" many many MANY times. But I'm just so tired of fighting this battle. 

My biggest dream in life has always been to become a mother. But do you really think I could ever be a good enough mom if I continue to struggle as I have over the years? Could I really be a good enough wife? I honestly believe that someday, even if it's not soon, I will die by suicide. And when that happens, I will have let down far more people than I would if I just committed suicide tomorrow. Not to mention, if I have kids, I'm more than likely going to pass down my disease on to them.

Anyways, I know that my death would hurt the people close to me. I know that. But I'm damned if I commit suicide, and damned if I don't. Sure, me "choosing to stay" hurts less people, but for once I'm tired of thinking about everyone else. I'm hurting. How is it fair to euthanize old people to put them out of their misery but blame someone for committing suicide when they've been suffering for so long?

Anyways. I know this is depressing but at this point I don't really care. I don't care about much of anything these days. 

I'm probably going to talk to the on-call therapist tonight about some of these thoughts. If I can get through tomorrow, I think I will be okay. But I'm nervous about tomorrow. 

It's about time I post an update haha. I'm sorry. I left it up on a very depressing post and then went MIA for 10 days. 

To fill you in on what happened, I did talk to an on-call therapist. I did that a couple nights in a row. The first night I was placed on a 24 hr hold to keep me safe, meaning I couldn't leave the facility for 24 hours. I talked to the psychiatrist and was put back on lithium, at 450 out of the 750 I had been on before. So a little more than half. That combined with the increased abilify seemed to be just enough to pull me out of that funk. 

To be honest, I'm still not feeling amazing, but I am feeling significantly better than I was in my last blog post. Not quite as hopeless. Those thoughts are still valid and I do wonder about them, but it's not as pressing as before.

I'll be discharging from PHP tomorrow morning. I'm both nervous and excited about it. Ready to be out of here, but also incredibly nervous about going back to my apartment after 8 weeks of treatment (inpatient, residential, PHP). It'll be an adjustment for sure. 

I definitely think I might still be depressed, which isn't what I'd hoped after 8 weeks of treatment, but it is what it is. Im at least to a level where I'm not going to hurt myself or worse, and I can look forward towards the next steps like getting a job and working once again.

My current struggles are trying to find a job I enjoy that pays the bills but also isn't super high stress because too much stress pushes me over the edge. I'm wondering if such a job exists, lol. 

5SOS came out with their new album today, it's a lengthy one with 19 songs! To celebrate of course I had to go for a run and enjoy the music. I ended up running a little longer today, 3.25 miles. 9:03 average pace. 

I had a therapy session before this during which my therapist recommended I do ketamine treatments. I know someone commented about them on my blog previously, and my mom has suggested I do them, and I've heard very good things about it. My therapist told me she would be willing to sit in with me on the sessions and be my guide through the experience. The only problem is that it's so expensive. I'm looking at dropping 2 grand on it. But, I called the place and they said they could do a payment plan and they may consider financial assistance. I'm going in for a consultation on Tuesday, which I'm very excited about. I've heard very good things about it. I'm definitely intruiged. I've tried just about everything else. My therapist said she'd like to see me thrive, not just survive. So hopefully this can help me do that. 

Today's run was a bit rough, I just feel so out of shape. My chest felt like it had a weight on it. But I was glad I made it more than 2 miles. I want to get back to doing at least 3 miles a day, but I will have to work for that.

9:18 average

So the last couple days I've been working out potentially doing ketamine treatments, and it worked out! Tomorrow will be my first session. I'm pretty nervous but excited. 

Easy run today, 9:06 average. I have my first ketamine appointment later today, I'm not really sure what to expect but my therapist is going to be there to guide me through it. I'm excited but nervous.

Edit: so I just got back from doing my first ketamine treatment. It felt... weird. It felt very odd I almost felt like I was drunk but not really, I was getting some really cool visuals of things moving like a cool abstract painting of sorts that moved, I saw waves and felt them moving. At one point trauma did come up and it was scary but my therapist was there and helped remind me that I was safe, and I had a really big epiphany at the end that I’m a good person, always have been and I deserve to be loved, and I didn’t deserve what happened to me and it wasn’t my fault and I can let it go now because it’s in the past. Idk I thought it was really cool and really healing.

I’m definitely glad my therapist was there and not just the guide. I’ve been working with her for a couple years so she knows me well and could tell when I was starting to struggle and helped direct me out of that. And I was able to tell her what was coming up and know that she understood.