Sock tans

I met with my doctor this morning, we increased the lithium dose back to 750mg. They mentioned the possibility of doing a residential program, but left it up to me. I honestly didn't really consider it until my social worker later in the day brought it up again, and gave me more information on it. Because I have been hospitalized 4 times in the last 6 months, it does seem like a good option. I'm just nervous to commit to doing that because I've never done one before, but one of the patients here has done one before and said she loved it. 

Nervous because it means 1 month without income, but also means 1 month without expenses like gas and food.

I could also do a Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP) where I spend about 40 hours a week Monday-Friday from like 9-5 doing treatment. If I did that I could find an easy job and work Saturdays and Sundays and have some income coming in. But, I think my parents want me to do the residential program. And I think that might be the best option.

Haha, my secret wish is that I get out of here Thursday and start up Residential on Monday. Because the Imagine Dragons concert is on Friday and I'm really, really wanting to go to that. Haha. But, obviously I will do what is best for my health, just really sucks if I miss it because I was really looking forward to that.

I met with my doctors again today, today it was a fill in doctor because my normal doctor was out. They asked about how I could be more med compliant, how my meds were going, things like that. They will be drawing blood tomorrow morning for a lithium level to check where it's at. 

Because I have been hospitalized 4 times now in 6 months, it was recommended that I do a residential program for a month or so. So we also discussed potential programs I could do. My social worker found 3 that accept my insurance, 1 of which was out of network. So really just two. I researched them both today and feel like one of them will be the better option, New Roads in either cottonwood heights or provo. 

I honestly got pretty sad tonight as I realized I won't be going back to my normal life for a while. I miss my clients and my coworkers. And friends too. The program that I was looking at has a 14 day blackout period where I will have no contact with anyone outside of the facility, no communication whatsoever. No internet either I don't think. Which will be hard, communication with family and friends here has been what has gotten me through the day.

But overall, I agree with my parents that it will be the best option for me. If I go back to the same circumstances I was in before the hospital, what will be different? The definition of insanity is doing the same things over again and expecting different results. I've done the exact same thing twice in a row now, how can I expect a different result?

Anyways, I'm just nervous because I don't know what to expect and I don't want to be miserable for the next month. But I know it'll be lots of therapy and med management, so it shouldn't be too bad. I'm also nervous because I don't know what it means for my job. I requested a leave of absence but I don't know if they will grant it, if they don't I will have to quit. And then I could reapply once I finish the program and I'm hoping they will hire me back. But I just don't know. 

And then there are the finances. I have paid for August's rent, but I have other expenses that will come up like my phone bill and medical bills. I should go and cancel my subscriptions while I will be away. But then it's just hoping I have enough to pay for September's rent, and then struggling to make enough after that to pay for my medical bills and phone bill for september, which means I will need to be done with the program by the beginning of September and start working again ASAP. Just a pain. I wish I wasn't so broke so I could take full advantage of the program, they say the average stay is 74 days. My stay will obviously be less.

Lots to think about.

I don't typically ask for help or for money, but I really need it right now. I'm not sure how many people, if any, read this blog. But if you do come across this, I would very greatly appreciate any donations. 

I am hoping to go to a residential treatment center, but their average stay is 74 days. I don't have enough money to pay rent for my apartment for September and I just lost my job today due to having to take too much time off of work for mental health. I won't be able to work because I will be in the treatment center for the next month or so, meaning I don't have the income coming in that I need. So really, I am in a tough spot and I don't really know what else I can do.

If anyone has any ideas, I'm all ears. Otherwise, any and all donations are greatly appreciated! Thank you so much.

https://www.gofundme.com/f/sarahs-medical-and-rental-expenses-fundraiser/widget/large/

I'm up pretty early this morning because I couldn't sleep. I checked my gofundme this morning and wow, I am so surprised at how generous people are. I don't like asking for help, but I really need it right now and to see that people are willing to help me out is very humbling and heartwarming. My gofundme has $935 as of 6:15 this morning, so much more than I was expecting it to have this soon. The relief I feel is so amazing. I can now pay my rent for September as well as my other bills such as utilities, phone (though I may cancel it for a month, I'm not sure yet), and medical bills. I'm not sure yet, but depending on how much I have I may be able to stay longer at the treatment center now that I have some funds. I think it'll be cutting it close as of right now, but now it's possible to go and not have to worry about rent etc. I am so so grateful to all those who have donated, thank you sincerely.

It's looking like Recovery ways might be the residential program I'm going to go to. We're still working things out with insurance and everything so it's not 100% that I'll be going there, but it's looking much more promising than New roads. New Roads was going to cost me $15,000 out of pocket, so we said nooooo to that haha. We're hoping more of it will be covered at Recovery Ways.

My lithium level was checked this morning and came back at 0.9, which is right in the middle of the therapeutic range. So it makes sense why I'm feeling better haha. 

I will be here at the very least until Monday. 

I applied for short term medicaid which will also hopefully help with a few things, she said it usually goes through in 72 hours and with it being the weekend it probably won't until Tuesday. But still, that's faster than I expected! I hope that works out too and that I can get on that. It would act as a secondary insurance since I am still on my parents' insurance until May 2023. 

I'm feeling a lot more hopeful, I think everything is going to work out :) and people donated a lot more than I thought they would to my gofundme, which I am overwhelmed with gratitude for. It's up to $1355. That has been such a relief, now I don't have to worry about rent and my other bills as I'm seeking treatment at the residential facility. Thank you to everyone who donated!!

We're looking at a Monday discharge date if everything is in order for me to go to Recovery Ways. It's looking like it's all going to work out. So I'm happy about that. I'm nervous for the transition and I hope the program is good. In the meantime, the weekend is kind of just a make it through kind of deal, not much going on. But it's okay, just boring. Lol

I find out if I am approved for short term medicaid on tuesday. I really hope I do get approved. That would help soooo much. I also am reapplying for financial assistance through the U, considering my position there is a chance they may wipe any bills from them. But we will see. Also, my ambulance bill is being reprocessed, there is a good chance I won't have to pay anything for that, if I do then not too much. And with my gofundme, I will have enough to pay rent for the months that I'll be gone and other bills, so I can relax and not worry too much about finances until after my treatment, which is a HUGE blessing. Thank you to everyone who made that possible.

Well, today's the day. I'm discharging at 2:30pm. Recovery Ways is going to bring a van over and pick me up. 

I'm really nervous, I don't know what to expect. But I'm hopeful and excited to move on. 

I'm not sure if I will have computer access while I am there. Or phone access either. So this may be my last entry for a while.

Thank you sincerely to everyone who donated, I met my goal and then some. It is currently at $1620, my goal was $1500. I should definitely have enough now to cover the costs I need to, and hopefully the residential program will be covered by insurance and if not then I should be able to get a scholarship based on my current situation, so the most it'll cost me is $2,000-$3,000. Which I am happy about. Especially compared to the $15,000 it was going to cost me to go to New Roads. Lol. 

I am grateful, nervous, excited and relieved. Hopefully the next month at Recovery Ways will be a good experience. Then after the residential program, they do a Partial Hospitalization Program/Day Treatmenr, that should be a 9-5 deal Monday through Friday. Then the month after that it'll be a step down to IOP for 10 hours a week, at which point I can start working part-time. And then back down to individual therapy once a week.

I'm confident in this plan, and I really hope it's a good experience.

Treadmill

Treadmill

Treadmill

Fitness to Recover today kicked my butt. HARD workout.

I just wanted to give an update, I don't have a lot of time. I have like 10 minutes to do this haha

I got to recovery ways last Monday. I should be here about 30 days. We are changing my meds. The plan is to get off of lithium and be completely on abilify so that I can take a shot once a month instead of taking my pills every day. That should help with the med compliance. I just have to tolerate the higher dose of medication first, and about 75% of people who go off lithium and onto abilify completely are fine and 25% are not and will need to supplement with lithium. But it's worth a shot. 

It's very structured here so at first I was very overwhelmed but I'm used to it now. It's juist a lot haha.

I've been able to run a bit while I am here, they have a treadmill. But I've also been doing other workouts. I did a workout this morning with a couple girls. 

Things are good. I feel like this is helping me. I'm just sad about losing my job as a result of needing so much help and losing those work relationships with clients and coworkers and my boss.

I was able to run again today. I just did 2.5 miles on the treadmill. 

I forgot to mention earlier that I went to the ER because I had terrible pain in my right abdomen, they thought it might be appendicitis but it ended up being an ovarian cyst that had ruptured. Lol. That wasn't very fun haha

Things are good, just working through traumas. 

Treadmill

FTR today (a weights/lifting class)

Played a game of soccer and felt like that was a sufficient workout haha.

FTR again today, upper body focus. It was a good time :) 

Mixed feelings about today, started off good but ended a little rough. But that's okay, there's always tomorrow.

Treadmill

FTR today

Treadmill

Treadmill

I feel really good about being here at Recovery Ways. There are things that I don't like, but overall I feel like it's been a really good thing for me. We've been focusing on trauma work a lot, every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday we have a process group where we can dive deep into traumas. We also have classes that are interactive like CPT that is a trauma based therapy. We meet with a therapist once a week and I really love my therapist. She's amazing. I had a therapy session yesterday and we dove deep into one of my traumas, and we realized that a lot of the same features that showed up in this trauma showed up in a previous trauma. We also noticed that I put up a barrier between my emotions while telling the story of what happened. I was in my emotions for a second. Then went back to being detached from it. 

We also meet with a psychiatrist once a week, I like him too. He introduced me to the idea of taking a shot once a month instead of meds every day, to help me be more med compliant. We're shifting my meds so that it may be possible, this week will be especially telling if it works or not. They ordered the shot so that should come in the next couple days.

While doing trauma work I realized a previous trauma is affecting me more than I let on, so I am doing a lot of work surrounding that.

On Wednesday I may potentially move to PHP (partial hospitalization program) which will mean I have more freedom in the evenings and will have access to my phone etc. So I am excited about that. My doctor and therapist just have to sign off on it, so I hope they do. It'll still have a ton of groups like we do here, it's basically the same thing with a little more freedom. And I will have the same therapist and psychiatrist over there as I do here.

So overall, things are going well.