Sock tans

First run from my new place! Man I'm out of shape.

Not a running entry, I'm sorry. But I feel it's time to get something off my chest. 

On February 27, I was catfished on an app and raped. Yesterday I called the police and reported it. An officer in the sex crimes division will be calling me back sometime in the next week hopefully to get more information. 

My therapist thinks I'm still in shock, and honestly, I probably am. I've only cried about what happened twice and it's been 2 weeks. But every now and then the sadness seeps through, as I realize I didn't deserve that and I didn't ask for it either.

I'm upset, angry and depressed. I'm more irritable, impulsive and exhausted than usual. It's like I'm running away from having to feel. It's upsetting and I wish I never met up with him. Wish I'd been more careful.

I was requested to attend a meeting tomorrow morning to discuss concerns with my job performance with my shift lead and my boss. With the rape and now this I feel like I'm drowning. I wonder if the rape has contributed to my poor job performance or if I just suck at my job in general. Idk. But I feel really overwhelmed. My thoughts are starting to go to dark places. I'm in close contact with my therapist and psychiatrist and if it got bad enough I'd go back to the hospital, but thankfully I'm not there yet. I'm just having a few fleeting suicidal thoughts. No plan. Some thoughts of self-harm but no acting on it. Had a mini panic attack after work today. My first in over a year. I'm just in a tough spot right now. I'm stressed like none other. Hopefully I can manage it ok. 

Today was a hard day. I got reprimanded at work for being disconnected and disengaged recently. I was honest with my boss and told her I'd been raped 2 weeks ago. I knew I could trust her because she's been there for me above and beyond before. She was so helpful, she put in his phone number into an app (she used to work for DCFS) and found out what his real name is. We then searched him up on Facebook and found his profile that included not only a picture of him, but a picture of the truck he assaulted me in as well as the same exact picture he used on his profile to catfish me with. She then called the police using my case number to get an update on the case and say we had new information. We arranged a meeting for after work for me to go speak with the detective in person. So I did that. He asked lots of questions and I recounted what happened to him. At the end he basically told me my case is really hard because if they go and question him and he says it was consensual there's not much they can do. I never fought him, I never said no besides two encounters that I guess might not really count, they might not be able to get any charges for it, I was too in shock and scared of retaliation to say no or to fight him. He said he'd speak to a lawyer to determine whether or not there could be charges for one of my "no" situations. But he said that it's more than likely to go to a jury. But the report has been made, so there's record of it if he were ever to try anything with anyone else.

I feel really sad and disconnected. But I also feel relieved because I've done all that I can do. And I'm proud of myself for going to the police. That was really hard to do. And for confiding in my boss. She's been really helpful and I'm lucky to have someone who cares so much. It was hard to say it out loud.

Debating whether or not I should confide in my parents. I know my mom would want to know. But I feel embarrassed about the way it happened. That's the hard thing. I feel partially at fault because I should've spotted the fake profile from a mile away, I knew it was risky to be on that app, and it was risky to meet him at his place. But now I know I guess. Sigh. 

Day 18 post-rape.

I went and got tested for STDs yesterday just in case he had something. I'm not showing any symptoms but better safe than sorry.

I've been second guessing whether or not it was rape because I never said no or stop and went along with whatever he said (out of fear- I didn't know if he would retaliate. Better to suffer in silence than cause more pain and suffering by speaking and saying stop). Excepting the two times I said no- no I don't like pain (a hint that he should stop hurting me, that he ignored and said "wrong answer" to) and no you can't leave a hickey (which he did anyways).

Anyways, he lied about his name. His identity. He never asked me if I was okay with any of it. He just... started. I had no time to react.

It was by far one of the worst experiences of my life.

I came across this quote, that helped me stop second guessing. It says, "sex takes the consent of two if one person is lying there not doing anything cause they are not ready or not in the mood or simply don't want to yet the other is having sex with their body it's not love it is rape."

Well that's that. I was raped. And I feel absolutely horrendous as a result. Not gonna lie, I've had some suicidal thoughts. But I'm safe for now. I know when it's time to go to the hospital and I'm not there yet. I don't have any plans. 

The detective on my case called and said that they'd closed the case because none of the elements in my statement met criminal charges. I am upset, but I always knew this was a possibility. It's so frustrating. He said it was going to be a hard case, but I feel so invalidated. My therapist said no matter what happens with the police it is still considered rape. It's just hard to prove. My guess is they spoke with him and he lied and said it was consensual. How was it consensual? Anyways, it sucks but it is what it is. 

Last night I went to UNI, was assessed and admitted. The average stay is 5-7 days. I was experiencing suicidal thoughts again and had a plan and was experiencing strong impulses to attempt so I decided it was time to get some help. A little frustrated to be back, but all the same, it's probably for the best.

I met with my treatment team again today, they suspect I might have Borderline Personality Disorder. They believe I have a mood disorder with it, whether that be the bipolar 2 disorder that is my current diagnosis or major depressive disorder. I'm going to research it more. This is good news, it would explain a lot. I don't know if they will make this diagnosis here or if it would be diagnosed later on, but gives me lots to think about. 

I'm doing better today, mood is about a 5/10. Calm. I had a therapy session today and was feeling lonely and down after that. But then I started feeling better after talking with some of the other patients here. They lifted my spirits from a 3 to a 5.

My doctor said that he strongly suspects that the bipolar 2 disorder was a misdiagnosis, that I truly have borderline personality disorder and the "hypomanic" symptoms I've been experiencing are really from the borderline personality disorder. He believes I have major depressive disorder as well. Which is good news because I can transition from lithium to an antidepressant, which will be less harmful for my body. And I can start Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, which is very helpful for those with BPD. Overall I'm hopeful that this will be a good thing and the answer I've been seeking.

Met with my treatment team again this morning. I'm feeling a lot better, no suicidal thoughts today. We're going to be checking my Lithium levels tomorrow, so they should be back by Sunday. If it's 0.8 or higher we're going to lower the dose so it gets in the 0.5-0.8 range. We're adding escitalopram (an antidepressant) at a low dose and we'll see how that goes. The plan is to ween off of Lithium eventually and be completely on an antidepressant. If I were to experience hypomania then we would know for certain I have bipolar 2 disorder, but my doctor thinks that is unlikely. He believes I have major depressive disorder. Even so, a 0.5 blood level of lithium is enough to counteract that at this time so we can see how escitalopram works with me. They will set me up with resources and therapists that specialize in DBT.

My doctor said he believes the Borderline Personality Disorder went undiagnosed for so long because I am reserved and calm. It typically presents in people who are not, but he knows what to look out for and I meet several criteria for BPD. Interesting!

I started the escitalopram/Lexapro yesterday and so far so good, no allergic reactions!

We're looking at a discharge early next week, my doctor says wednesday is a reasonable goal, could be before then could be after then but that is our goal. I kind of hope for sooner but we'll just have to see how things go.

Today is kind of an off day. My doctors won't be seeing me today (I guess the weekend doc only is required to see you once either Saturday or Sunday, and she saw me yesterday). It's really mellow, not as many groups.

My lithium levels came back as 0.4, which surprised me. The last time I was on this dose (in January) and they put me back on it, it went up to 0.9. I'm not sure what that means for the future, if my doc is going to keep me on the same dose, retest, or increase the dose (probably unlikely). I'll meet with him tomorrow.

I'm getting anxious to leave but I could see myself staying in here for a couple more days. It all depends on what my doctor says in regards to meds. I'm a bit sad because a couple of the other patients are leaving tomorrow. So if I stay longer it'll be a little different without them. 

So the weekend doctor raised the lithium dose to 900mg since my lithium level was just barely low. I'm honestly nervous about this because my hypothyroidism got really bad the last time they raised the dose. My hair was falling out, I was cold all the time. I don't want to go through that again. I wish there was a way I could wait until tomorrow to take it so that I could talk to my doctor first. But alas, I don't have that kind of control. Kind of annoyed that they just raised the dose without talking to me first. I could've told them I have hypothyroidism (my TSH was already high when I came in) and don't want to raise the dose any higher than it already is. But oh well, I suppose one dose won't hurt too much. I'm just annoyed.

Met with my treatment team this morning, they dropped me back down to the 750mg dose of lithium. They also lowered the abilify to 2mg. Plan is to eventually come off of abilify and lithium and rely solely on Lexapro. But for now, and for a little while, to be on both Lexapro and lithium. 

Discharge is set for tomorrow! I'm ready. It's been a long week lol. But it was refreshing and healing, definitely much needed. 

I was discharged today! It's been strange to get back into life. But it's been good. One of the first things I did when I got home was go for a run. It was so refreshing. It poured on me the last half mile but it was the perfect temperature for running. Shorts and a long sleeve.

Now that I'm out of the hospital I feel so free lol. Being locked on unit for 8 days makes you appreciate being able to go out and do whatever you want whenever you want.

I'm going to go back to work on Friday. My doctor recommended taking a couple days to readjust to normal life before jumping back into work. So that's what I'm going to do.