Day 18 post-rape.
I went and got tested for STDs yesterday just in case he had something. I'm not showing any symptoms but better safe than sorry.
I've been second guessing whether or not it was rape because I never said no or stop and went along with whatever he said (out of fear- I didn't know if he would retaliate. Better to suffer in silence than cause more pain and suffering by speaking and saying stop). Excepting the two times I said no- no I don't like pain (a hint that he should stop hurting me, that he ignored and said "wrong answer" to) and no you can't leave a hickey (which he did anyways).
Anyways, he lied about his name. His identity. He never asked me if I was okay with any of it. He just... started. I had no time to react.
It was by far one of the worst experiences of my life.
I came across this quote, that helped me stop second guessing. It says, "sex takes the consent of two if one person is lying there not doing anything cause they are not ready or not in the mood or simply don't want to yet the other is having sex with their body it's not love it is rape."
Well that's that. I was raped. And I feel absolutely horrendous as a result. Not gonna lie, I've had some suicidal thoughts. But I'm safe for now. I know when it's time to go to the hospital and I'm not there yet. I don't have any plans.
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