Sock tans

Not a running entry, I'm sorry. But I feel it's time to get something off my chest. 

On February 27, I was catfished on an app and raped. Yesterday I called the police and reported it. An officer in the sex crimes division will be calling me back sometime in the next week hopefully to get more information. 

My therapist thinks I'm still in shock, and honestly, I probably am. I've only cried about what happened twice and it's been 2 weeks. But every now and then the sadness seeps through, as I realize I didn't deserve that and I didn't ask for it either.

I'm upset, angry and depressed. I'm more irritable, impulsive and exhausted than usual. It's like I'm running away from having to feel. It's upsetting and I wish I never met up with him. Wish I'd been more careful.

I was requested to attend a meeting tomorrow morning to discuss concerns with my job performance with my shift lead and my boss. With the rape and now this I feel like I'm drowning. I wonder if the rape has contributed to my poor job performance or if I just suck at my job in general. Idk. But I feel really overwhelmed. My thoughts are starting to go to dark places. I'm in close contact with my therapist and psychiatrist and if it got bad enough I'd go back to the hospital, but thankfully I'm not there yet. I'm just having a few fleeting suicidal thoughts. No plan. Some thoughts of self-harm but no acting on it. Had a mini panic attack after work today. My first in over a year. I'm just in a tough spot right now. I'm stressed like none other. Hopefully I can manage it ok. 

Today was a hard day. I got reprimanded at work for being disconnected and disengaged recently. I was honest with my boss and told her I'd been raped 2 weeks ago. I knew I could trust her because she's been there for me above and beyond before. She was so helpful, she put in his phone number into an app (she used to work for DCFS) and found out what his real name is. We then searched him up on Facebook and found his profile that included not only a picture of him, but a picture of the truck he assaulted me in as well as the same exact picture he used on his profile to catfish me with. She then called the police using my case number to get an update on the case and say we had new information. We arranged a meeting for after work for me to go speak with the detective in person. So I did that. He asked lots of questions and I recounted what happened to him. At the end he basically told me my case is really hard because if they go and question him and he says it was consensual there's not much they can do. I never fought him, I never said no besides two encounters that I guess might not really count, they might not be able to get any charges for it, I was too in shock and scared of retaliation to say no or to fight him. He said he'd speak to a lawyer to determine whether or not there could be charges for one of my "no" situations. But he said that it's more than likely to go to a jury. But the report has been made, so there's record of it if he were ever to try anything with anyone else.

I feel really sad and disconnected. But I also feel relieved because I've done all that I can do. And I'm proud of myself for going to the police. That was really hard to do. And for confiding in my boss. She's been really helpful and I'm lucky to have someone who cares so much. It was hard to say it out loud.

Debating whether or not I should confide in my parents. I know my mom would want to know. But I feel embarrassed about the way it happened. That's the hard thing. I feel partially at fault because I should've spotted the fake profile from a mile away, I knew it was risky to be on that app, and it was risky to meet him at his place. But now I know I guess. Sigh. 

Day 18 post-rape.

I went and got tested for STDs yesterday just in case he had something. I'm not showing any symptoms but better safe than sorry.

I've been second guessing whether or not it was rape because I never said no or stop and went along with whatever he said (out of fear- I didn't know if he would retaliate. Better to suffer in silence than cause more pain and suffering by speaking and saying stop). Excepting the two times I said no- no I don't like pain (a hint that he should stop hurting me, that he ignored and said "wrong answer" to) and no you can't leave a hickey (which he did anyways).

Anyways, he lied about his name. His identity. He never asked me if I was okay with any of it. He just... started. I had no time to react.

It was by far one of the worst experiences of my life.

I came across this quote, that helped me stop second guessing. It says, "sex takes the consent of two if one person is lying there not doing anything cause they are not ready or not in the mood or simply don't want to yet the other is having sex with their body it's not love it is rape."

Well that's that. I was raped. And I feel absolutely horrendous as a result. Not gonna lie, I've had some suicidal thoughts. But I'm safe for now. I know when it's time to go to the hospital and I'm not there yet. I don't have any plans. 

The detective on my case called and said that they'd closed the case because none of the elements in my statement met criminal charges. I am upset, but I always knew this was a possibility. It's so frustrating. He said it was going to be a hard case, but I feel so invalidated. My therapist said no matter what happens with the police it is still considered rape. It's just hard to prove. My guess is they spoke with him and he lied and said it was consensual. How was it consensual? Anyways, it sucks but it is what it is.