Sock tans

I haven't been doing the greatest over the last few weeks... I was feeling good and about 3 weeks ago I started being spotty with my meds. Then a week ago Thursday I stopped taking them altogether. My therapist says that this is very common for those with bipolar disorder to do- trick themselves into thinking they're fine or cured and don't need meds. Obviously that's a lie because I'm back in the hospital, yet again. 5th time's the charm, right? This time after prompting from my therapist I sought out help myself. Sometimes to be honest I wish I'd have just gone through with my plan because living is stressful and hard work and I don't really want to do it anymore. But I know this is only temporary and once my lithium levels are back up I'll feel better. Hopefully.

Also randomly this morning I threw up? Weird. I was feeling really nauseated when I woke up. But I've been able to hold down food since then. The nurse thinks it might be a side effect of one of my meds, after starting back up on such a high dose after so long of not taking it. But idk it was weird.

Anyways on Monday they will check my lithium level and then we'll go from there. 

As an update, I'm still here in the hospital (I have been since Thursday evening). My suicidal thoughts are lessening but are sometimes still present. My doctor will request a blood draw tomorrow to check my lithium levels, then depending on how I'm feeling and whether or not the lithium is at the right therapeutic dose we will evaluate and go from there. If I'm doing well and the level is good, I would anticipate discharge as soon as possible but I really don't know how long it will take for results to come back and for my doctor to sign off on everything and begin discharge paperwork. So my guess is we're probably looking at a Tuesday discharge date if all goes well, if not then later.

There's not too much to update today but I'm feeling a lot better.

Someone tested positive for COVID on our Unit yesterday so we were on quarantine until everyone else tested negative. The person who had COVID was discharged. So we just barely got the all-clear from staff that we're okay to go down to the cafeteria and do fresh air breaks and stuff like that. And also we are allowed to have visitors. 

I'm both happy and surprised that I've managed to test negative for COVID the three times I've been tested because like half of my family has COVID at the moment. We were all exposed at Christmas when my aunt tested positive the next day. So I thought maybe I'd have it as well but so far nope! Which makes me happy.

My lithium levels came back at 0.9 which is right within the therapeutic range. Discharge goal is Thursday, I just met with my social worker and that's what she told me. A little bugged because I feel good enough that I could leave today or tomorrow honestly but it is what it is.

I was released from the hospital yesterday afternoon. I'm feeling a lot better, no more suicidal thoughts. My boss brought over a giant sign with all my clients and coworkers handprints painted on the bottom along with some flowers. It was the sweetest thing. My coworkers and my boss all reached out to me some sharing that they've been there before too. I have such an amazing work environment I love the people I work with.

Here's a picture of the sign:

It may have made me tear up. It was the sweetest thing. I miss them. 

Today I decided to go for a run and it felt so freeing. After being cooped up for so long it's so nice to get back outside. I only ran 2 miles because I want to ease back into it and don't want to pressure myself to do more than I want to. I want to enjoy it. And I really did enjoy it.

Easy 3. Felt really good, shorts weather!

Side note: I weighed a lot less in the hospital than I was expecting. The last time I weighed myself (several months ago) I was 137. In my SUU days I was 128ish. One of the doctors asked me how much I weighed when I was borderline anorexic and I told him truthfully 128. Then I hop up on the scale and guess what? I was 128. Ummm... interesting. I was not expecting that. Haha.

Weight is always a little sensitive of a subject with me just because I did have so much struggle with it when I was at SUU. My coach had multiple meetings with me during which he suggested I try to get my weight down to 18% body fat or the lowest end of the BMI healthy range, which is 125/126lbs. I was really struggling to get below 130lbs so I started skipping meals and limiting how much I ate. And I know coach didn't intend for me to think it, but from all our conversations I began to fixate on my weight and believed myself to be the fattest girl on the team. When I was weighed in the hospital in March 2019 I was 128lbs, which also surprised me.

Anyway, I know muscle weighs more than fat so even though I'm the same weight I was when I was super fit and running for SUU, it doesn't really mean much because my fat percentage is higher. But I was still pleasantly surprised to see I was 128lbs. I thought for sure I'd be 137-140.

Anywho, not that weight really matters that much. As long as I'm in the normal/healthy range I'm good.

Well I'm 95% sure I have COVID. I'm just waiting for my test results to come back. But because I was exposed last Saturday and am showing symptoms and COVID is running rampant right now I'm pretty sure it's COVID. I had congestion and a small sore throat on Tuesday and left work early to go get tested (a rapid test, which I got from my aunt because they're out of them anywhere you go, which was negative but it was too soon to be tested and most likely a false negative- my mom was showing symptoms for 3 days before she tested positive). Then yesterday I waited in line for 3 hours to get a COVID test because I had a fever of 100.4. So needless to say I'm not working and just isolating myself from everyone else. It sucks both because I'm hurting financially (a hospital visit and contracting COVID in the same paycheck means getting paid for only 2.5 days this paycheck) and because I'm bored lol. Sigh. 

Still have a fever of 101.1. My results from Thursday still have not come back yet and they said they'd come back in 24-48 hours.... I looked up the reviews for the place I went to and some said they still hadn't received results 6 days after. Mad because that's 3 hours of time wasted when I could've been in line elsewhere and had my results back by now. So yesterday I went to a new place to get tested, waited another 3 hours just to be turned away because I'd only half registered (thought I was good because I got a QR code sent to my email) and they wouldn't accept it. I was so mad. So now I have another appointment to be tested tomorrow morning. By now it's likely I'll test negative because I'm getting over it. But still worth testing. Just hope it doesn't take forever to get it done. 

Checked my temperature this morning, it was down to 99.5. Hopefully that means it's going down for good.

I got my COVID test finally. I should know those results in 2-3 days. It'll probably be negative now that I'm recovering, but it's still worth knowing. My dad says I definitely have it, the only person that doubts whether or not I do is myself. Lol. Just because I was exposed 3 times and have a fever without major congestion body aches or chills, everything is consistent with COVID and not the flu or something like that.

Update 5:40pm: my fever is still 99.5. I read that if your fever lasts 5 or more days you should speak to your doctor. Today is 5 days with a fever. I'm thinking I'll wait until the morning to see if it goes down any more and if not, I'll go see a doctor. But I'm guessing it'll go down because it's dropped a bit from yesterday. Right now it's considered a low-grade fever so not as worrisome I don't think. It's just taking longer than normal to come down. 

My fever finally broke! So I decided to go running. I decided to just go 2 miles to start out slow.

I'm considering going back to school, this time being more confident in what I want to go into. Working with special needs adults has been the best thing for me. I feel like I've found my niche. So, I've decided I want to major in special education.

The next step is figuring out where I want to pursue my degree. Close by universities are the University of Utah and Utah Valley University. Honestly it will probably be one of those two. But I could also go back to Southern Utah University. I was going to consider BYU-Idaho, but no, I don't think that would work for me. I don't want to go back. I could also consider Weber State, but I'm not sure.

I really want to go back to SUU just because it's familiar and I had a good experience there, but I have to weigh other options first. UVU and the U of U intimidate me because I don't know their campuses well so I have a feeling I'd get majorly lost. But I'd learn it eventually right? UVU has a deaf studies minor where I could learn some ASL, which is one of my goals. Would add coursework but it would be worth it to learn some ASL in the field I'm going into. And being up in northern Utah is better for my mental health because all of my resources are here- therapist, psychiatrist, family. There's always zoom but that's not the same, and if I were to get in a bad place again mentally I wouldn't have the support system to get me the help I need safely. So SUU is probably out. 

I'm leaning towards UVU. I've already been admitted, but I don't think they have my most recent transcript that shows I have completed an Associates degree. When I looked to see what classes I'd have to take it said I have to take some generals, but I'm not sure if that's the case if I have an associates degree. I'm meeting with an academic advisor on Friday to discuss what I'd need to do to take things this direction. I also applied for FAFSA today for next school year. This year I had been offered grant money for UVU, but I wasn't ready yet. Obviously. But now I feel like I am, I could see myself going back to school in the fall. So I'm hoping I get offered grant money again. 

1 easy, went out planning on 2 but the air quality is so bad my lungs hurt. So I decided to cut it short

Well almost an entire month off of running... tonight I got the random urge to go running. I thought it was about time to start up again. Do something good for myself.

Truth be told, February was not my best month. I was reflecting on my run and realized I've really been diving off the deep end. Doing things I swore I'd never do. Getting manic and going on spending sprees and doing other risky behaviors. And distancing myself from God and the Church.

I think it's time to turn my life around and start doing things that are going to help me in the long run, like running and going back to church. Put an end to this phase.

I'm moving tomorrow to Draper. I'm excited. I'll be moving in with roommates and being an actual adult rather than living off of my grandparents or parents. It's a big step but I'm finally ready for it.

First run from my new place! Man I'm out of shape.

Not a running entry, I'm sorry. But I feel it's time to get something off my chest. 

On February 27, I was catfished on an app and raped. Yesterday I called the police and reported it. An officer in the sex crimes division will be calling me back sometime in the next week hopefully to get more information. 

My therapist thinks I'm still in shock, and honestly, I probably am. I've only cried about what happened twice and it's been 2 weeks. But every now and then the sadness seeps through, as I realize I didn't deserve that and I didn't ask for it either.

I'm upset, angry and depressed. I'm more irritable, impulsive and exhausted than usual. It's like I'm running away from having to feel. It's upsetting and I wish I never met up with him. Wish I'd been more careful.

I was requested to attend a meeting tomorrow morning to discuss concerns with my job performance with my shift lead and my boss. With the rape and now this I feel like I'm drowning. I wonder if the rape has contributed to my poor job performance or if I just suck at my job in general. Idk. But I feel really overwhelmed. My thoughts are starting to go to dark places. I'm in close contact with my therapist and psychiatrist and if it got bad enough I'd go back to the hospital, but thankfully I'm not there yet. I'm just having a few fleeting suicidal thoughts. No plan. Some thoughts of self-harm but no acting on it. Had a mini panic attack after work today. My first in over a year. I'm just in a tough spot right now. I'm stressed like none other. Hopefully I can manage it ok. 

Today was a hard day. I got reprimanded at work for being disconnected and disengaged recently. I was honest with my boss and told her I'd been raped 2 weeks ago. I knew I could trust her because she's been there for me above and beyond before. She was so helpful, she put in his phone number into an app (she used to work for DCFS) and found out what his real name is. We then searched him up on Facebook and found his profile that included not only a picture of him, but a picture of the truck he assaulted me in as well as the same exact picture he used on his profile to catfish me with. She then called the police using my case number to get an update on the case and say we had new information. We arranged a meeting for after work for me to go speak with the detective in person. So I did that. He asked lots of questions and I recounted what happened to him. At the end he basically told me my case is really hard because if they go and question him and he says it was consensual there's not much they can do. I never fought him, I never said no besides two encounters that I guess might not really count, they might not be able to get any charges for it, I was too in shock and scared of retaliation to say no or to fight him. He said he'd speak to a lawyer to determine whether or not there could be charges for one of my "no" situations. But he said that it's more than likely to go to a jury. But the report has been made, so there's record of it if he were ever to try anything with anyone else.

I feel really sad and disconnected. But I also feel relieved because I've done all that I can do. And I'm proud of myself for going to the police. That was really hard to do. And for confiding in my boss. She's been really helpful and I'm lucky to have someone who cares so much. It was hard to say it out loud.

Debating whether or not I should confide in my parents. I know my mom would want to know. But I feel embarrassed about the way it happened. That's the hard thing. I feel partially at fault because I should've spotted the fake profile from a mile away, I knew it was risky to be on that app, and it was risky to meet him at his place. But now I know I guess. Sigh. 

Day 18 post-rape.

I went and got tested for STDs yesterday just in case he had something. I'm not showing any symptoms but better safe than sorry.

I've been second guessing whether or not it was rape because I never said no or stop and went along with whatever he said (out of fear- I didn't know if he would retaliate. Better to suffer in silence than cause more pain and suffering by speaking and saying stop). Excepting the two times I said no- no I don't like pain (a hint that he should stop hurting me, that he ignored and said "wrong answer" to) and no you can't leave a hickey (which he did anyways).

Anyways, he lied about his name. His identity. He never asked me if I was okay with any of it. He just... started. I had no time to react.

It was by far one of the worst experiences of my life.

I came across this quote, that helped me stop second guessing. It says, "sex takes the consent of two if one person is lying there not doing anything cause they are not ready or not in the mood or simply don't want to yet the other is having sex with their body it's not love it is rape."

Well that's that. I was raped. And I feel absolutely horrendous as a result. Not gonna lie, I've had some suicidal thoughts. But I'm safe for now. I know when it's time to go to the hospital and I'm not there yet. I don't have any plans. 

The detective on my case called and said that they'd closed the case because none of the elements in my statement met criminal charges. I am upset, but I always knew this was a possibility. It's so frustrating. He said it was going to be a hard case, but I feel so invalidated. My therapist said no matter what happens with the police it is still considered rape. It's just hard to prove. My guess is they spoke with him and he lied and said it was consensual. How was it consensual? Anyways, it sucks but it is what it is. 

Last night I went to UNI, was assessed and admitted. The average stay is 5-7 days. I was experiencing suicidal thoughts again and had a plan and was experiencing strong impulses to attempt so I decided it was time to get some help. A little frustrated to be back, but all the same, it's probably for the best.

I met with my treatment team again today, they suspect I might have Borderline Personality Disorder. They believe I have a mood disorder with it, whether that be the bipolar 2 disorder that is my current diagnosis or major depressive disorder. I'm going to research it more. This is good news, it would explain a lot. I don't know if they will make this diagnosis here or if it would be diagnosed later on, but gives me lots to think about. 

I'm doing better today, mood is about a 5/10. Calm. I had a therapy session today and was feeling lonely and down after that. But then I started feeling better after talking with some of the other patients here. They lifted my spirits from a 3 to a 5.

My doctor said that he strongly suspects that the bipolar 2 disorder was a misdiagnosis, that I truly have borderline personality disorder and the "hypomanic" symptoms I've been experiencing are really from the borderline personality disorder. He believes I have major depressive disorder as well. Which is good news because I can transition from lithium to an antidepressant, which will be less harmful for my body. And I can start Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, which is very helpful for those with BPD. Overall I'm hopeful that this will be a good thing and the answer I've been seeking.

Met with my treatment team again this morning. I'm feeling a lot better, no suicidal thoughts today. We're going to be checking my Lithium levels tomorrow, so they should be back by Sunday. If it's 0.8 or higher we're going to lower the dose so it gets in the 0.5-0.8 range. We're adding escitalopram (an antidepressant) at a low dose and we'll see how that goes. The plan is to ween off of Lithium eventually and be completely on an antidepressant. If I were to experience hypomania then we would know for certain I have bipolar 2 disorder, but my doctor thinks that is unlikely. He believes I have major depressive disorder. Even so, a 0.5 blood level of lithium is enough to counteract that at this time so we can see how escitalopram works with me. They will set me up with resources and therapists that specialize in DBT.

My doctor said he believes the Borderline Personality Disorder went undiagnosed for so long because I am reserved and calm. It typically presents in people who are not, but he knows what to look out for and I meet several criteria for BPD. Interesting!

I started the escitalopram/Lexapro yesterday and so far so good, no allergic reactions!

We're looking at a discharge early next week, my doctor says wednesday is a reasonable goal, could be before then could be after then but that is our goal. I kind of hope for sooner but we'll just have to see how things go.

Today is kind of an off day. My doctors won't be seeing me today (I guess the weekend doc only is required to see you once either Saturday or Sunday, and she saw me yesterday). It's really mellow, not as many groups.

My lithium levels came back as 0.4, which surprised me. The last time I was on this dose (in January) and they put me back on it, it went up to 0.9. I'm not sure what that means for the future, if my doc is going to keep me on the same dose, retest, or increase the dose (probably unlikely). I'll meet with him tomorrow.

I'm getting anxious to leave but I could see myself staying in here for a couple more days. It all depends on what my doctor says in regards to meds. I'm a bit sad because a couple of the other patients are leaving tomorrow. So if I stay longer it'll be a little different without them. 

So the weekend doctor raised the lithium dose to 900mg since my lithium level was just barely low. I'm honestly nervous about this because my hypothyroidism got really bad the last time they raised the dose. My hair was falling out, I was cold all the time. I don't want to go through that again. I wish there was a way I could wait until tomorrow to take it so that I could talk to my doctor first. But alas, I don't have that kind of control. Kind of annoyed that they just raised the dose without talking to me first. I could've told them I have hypothyroidism (my TSH was already high when I came in) and don't want to raise the dose any higher than it already is. But oh well, I suppose one dose won't hurt too much. I'm just annoyed.

Met with my treatment team this morning, they dropped me back down to the 750mg dose of lithium. They also lowered the abilify to 2mg. Plan is to eventually come off of abilify and lithium and rely solely on Lexapro. But for now, and for a little while, to be on both Lexapro and lithium. 

Discharge is set for tomorrow! I'm ready. It's been a long week lol. But it was refreshing and healing, definitely much needed. 

I was discharged today! It's been strange to get back into life. But it's been good. One of the first things I did when I got home was go for a run. It was so refreshing. It poured on me the last half mile but it was the perfect temperature for running. Shorts and a long sleeve.

Now that I'm out of the hospital I feel so free lol. Being locked on unit for 8 days makes you appreciate being able to go out and do whatever you want whenever you want.

I'm going to go back to work on Friday. My doctor recommended taking a couple days to readjust to normal life before jumping back into work. So that's what I'm going to do. 

I had therapy yesterday and discussed what happened in the hospital. My therapist doesn't agree with the borderline personality disorder diagnosis so she wants me to get a second opinion. She strongly believes I have bipolar disorder just from what she's seen in me. She also believes I need more support right now than she can give me with just weekly therapy. So she wants me to enroll in an intensive outpatient program. I still have a lot to figure out regarding work and finances so I don't know if I can but I think it would be helpful so I'm going to try.

Well I thought it would be a good idea to get out for a run, because I haven't run in over two months... it was a terrible idea.

The last week or so I've been sick with a really bad cold, I tested negative for COVID multiple times but man, I was so sick. I was exhausted, I had a really bad sore throat, a fever, a cough, congestion, a headache, I had it all lol. But my fever broke this morning and my sore throat is gone and my cough wasn't that bad and I'm tired of lying in my bed all day so I thought hey, what if I went running?

Well, I made it .8 miles then walked back home. I started coughing so much I couldn't stop and my chest was on fire. Soooo better luck next time hahaha

Man I'm really having a rough go rn. I didn't even go a week without getting sick again. This time I really think it is either the flu or COVID. Yesterday I got a really bad sore throat, it hurts to swallow. I struggle to eat it hurts so bad. I was having trouble sleeping last night because I had really bad body aches. Then this morning I went to the doctor to get tested for strep, I thought it was strep. But I tested negative. My temperature was a little elevated at the doctor at 99.5. Which I was surprised about but the doc didn't make a big deal about it. So I went home to rest. Then a few hours later I checked my temp. It was 101.3. I immediately went to get tested for COVID and the flu. Luckily I was able to get in. I should get those results in 1-2 days. Then a couple hours later I was feeling really cold (chills). But I took my temperature and it was 102.7. Immediately I took some ibuprofen because that's just too high. Now it's back down to 100.6. But now I feel so hot. It's really weird. Anyways, all this to say, I'm not running rn. I hope I can start back up once I recover from this. 

This is going to be a really long post so I apologize in advance. 

For the past week I have been sick. Really sick. I had a fever of 103.8, the chills, body aches, chest pressure/pain, sore throat, you name it. Plus I have a yeast infection, so it's really itchy and irritated. Long story short I went to the ER twice, once for the high fever because I was paranoid and once because I first went to urgent care hoping for some meds for chest pain/maybe an x ray to be sure it wasn't pneumonia, but noooo they went chest pain? You're having a heart attack!! So they did an ECG, saw my T wave abnormality that I ALREADY knew about from when I did ECT a couple years ago, but didn't care to listen to me when I said it was nothing and told me I needed to go to the hospital immediately, calling EMS. So now on top of the pile of existing medical bills I have to pay for an ambulance ride that was completely unnecessary. I'm more than a little frustrated and upset about that.

Anyways, that makes 5+ weeks since January that I've had to take time off due to medical reasons. My work has been remarkably understanding up to this point. But this week I found out about a policy (I'm not sure how I didn't know about it?) that I guess my boss has not been enforcing with me because of my medical situation. But now HR is getting on her back so she has to get on my back. It's regarding time off and PTO. Basically, if you are a full-time employee you must use PTO anytime you need time off, even for doctors appointments or medical leave. If you don't have any PTO, you won't be able to request time off. For emergencies obviously they would work around that. But with me, where I've been out so much and it has been for emergencies, the line is blurred. But they're cracking down on that policy. 

I had a meeting with our HR rep and my boss yesterday, where I found out my company is too small to offer FMLA benefits. So that doesn't help me. But I'm at a point where if I stay full-time I won't be able to take ANY more time off, not even for doctors appointments or emergencies. Well idk how they could argue with me about emergencies. Idk. But the point is, I've taken far too much time off for a full-time employee, it's putting stress on them and my coworkers for having to pick up the slack, and it's limiting their ability to take care of clients because I haven't been very reliable in coming in to work. Not my fault, I can't control being physically or mentally ill, but it is what it is. 

So my options are: 1. Quit, focus on my health, then reapply in say the fall where my boss would hire me back immediately. Not really an option, bipolar disorder isn't a one and done kind of deal. And it's not like I can control when im gonna get the flu so... yeah. 2. Stay full-time and hope to God I don't get sick again or have another mental health crisis. If I do, I will 100% get written up for it. I've received my verbal warning. Just frustrating because that's not really something I can change, it's out of my control. Or 3. Drop down to part-time where I will have more flexibility. The problem with that is I am so financially unsteady right now I need all the money I can get. I have no idea how im going to pay rent this month, I have to replace the brakes on my car, I need dental work done, I have to pay medical bills and my phone bill and gas and food and utilities and therapy, therapy, therapy, so much therapy. It adds up quick. And I have no savings- I've used all of it in earlier months for emergencies. I have $500 to my name. I guess that's better than zero, look at the bright side huh? I'm just stressed, stressed, stressed. No idea how I'm going to get through the next month.

This whole situation has made me really face the possibility that I might need to get on disability. Because I'm just not making it as is. My HR rep says I averaged 22 hours a week the past 3 months because of all my time off. That's half what I'm supposed to be working. But that takes months. And I've been working full-time, which typically doesn't grant you disability. But again, 22 hours? That's not full-time. But on paper it's been full time. Ugh. I don't even know. 

My dad says I should get a second job. I actually applied to a couple and have already been asked to come in for an interview. But the more I think about it the more stressed I get, I don't know how I'll manage IOP, my current job, individual therapy, psychiatry appointments, AND another job. I think part-time at about 32 hours a week (the max) is my best bet.

I'm not sure if anyone is going to read this. But if you made it this far, you're the real MVP. Any advice is appreciated, I need all the resources and advice I can get. I'm open to any suggestions. I'm just between a rock and a hard place rn. 

Oh and I went running tonight to clear my head. My chest hurt SO bad. I guess I'm not 100% recovered from my sickness. 

I also weighed less today than I have since high school... 126 lbs. I'm 5'8". I was weighed at the gynecologist. I think I'm losing weight because I'm not eating 3 meals a day like I should be. It's more like 2. I hate to admit it but part of me is happy about that. But part of me knows it's not healthy to think like that. If I'm not careful I'll pick up anorexic tendencies like in 2019 when I was running for SUU. 

Well it's been a solid month since I last ran. Lol. 

I think I'm ready to start running again. It's just finding the time that's difficult. And the motivation. So I'm not sure if it'll be an every day thing, but I'm going to make it my goal to run at least 3 times next week. 

Life update: I hit my year mark at my job on the 14th. I got a raise, and I got offered a lead position creating my own program and making it my own. I can literally do whatever I want with the clients. Hiking, snow shoeing, anything. That'll start in a couple months, they just said I have to have 45 days of perfect attendance before it can start up. Since I've had to take so much time off for health reasons. So I'm just hoping my health works with me and I can do it. 

My mental health is still a struggle. I'm just surviving right now. But hey, I'm alive. Lol. I'm in an IOP program, that will end in a couple weeks. I'm gonna see if my insurance will extend it, but I'm not sure if they will. I'm also in individual therapy. And I see a psychiatrist every few weeks. I haven't been consistent with my meds the last month, so I'm feeling it.

I recently (in the last month) decided to try drinking. I think it was a bad idea honestly. I can see how it's detrimental to my health, and I just found out that people with bipolar disorder have a 60% chance of developing drinking problems. That's a fairly high percentage. If I'm being honest, I already am drinking to avoid my problems, as a distraction. Which I don't think is healthy, so I know I need to either decide to only drink with friends or not drink at all. But there is a part of me that still wants to drink. Haha. I just have to be careful.

Anyways today I had work off so I decided to go running. I was also pretty angry this morning, for no reason. But running helped clear my head. I'm not angry anymore. Lol

I'm pretty out of shape, so I expected to make it 1.5 miles at like 11 or 12 minute pace. But I surprised myself. I made it 2 miles at 9:01 pace. Granted I had to stop and walk a few times and my chest was tight and I felt like I was dying, BUT I did it haha!

Well, another update. This time not so fun.

My mental health got out of control again, so Wednesday night my brother came to see me at my apartment and after talking with him for a while I made the decision to seek help. I called Huntsman Mental Health Institute on our way there, they said they didn't have any beds available and to go to the ER. So my brother took me to University Hospital's ER. At about 4am they told me they had a bed available at HMHI after all. So another half hour and my brother took me over there (about a 5 minute drive). 

I was feeling very hopeless, much more so than in the past. I still feel kind of hopeless if I'm being honest. But I was more intent on attempting suicide than I have been before. I wrote a suicide note, I went out and bought the alcohol I intended to overdose on and started drinking it. If my brother hadn't come, I would have had the whole bottle, or as much as I could drink before I passed out. Luckily I hadn't had too much, I'd barely started drinking when he came over around 9pm and I stopped drinking once he was there. At 3am my BAC was measured at 0.06, so not very high. Which was good because if it was higher I'd have had to stay in the ER longer until it dropped and they could assess me again while mostly sober.

I seemed to have mini withrawals from the alcohol, shaky hands, high anxiety and nausea. Which I was surprised about, I didn't think I'd already become dependent on alcohol. I still feel like I haven't drank enough for that, but alas.

All in all, I'm pretty depressed and don't know how long I'll be here. My doctor is hesitant to give me lithium anymore because that was my other suicide plan, to overdose on lithium. So I'm not looking forward to starting a new medication.

I was kind of bugged that he would even suggest latuda when I just got done explaining to him that financially I was not okay. Latuda is EXPENSIVE. I know, because I've been on it before. Ugh. But it's okay. I also got very passionate about him not putting me on Lamictal, that's the one that gave me severe hand tremors and I stopped taking then got suicidal and landed in the hospital again. Not going down that road. Not sure what he's going to put me on. I'm just difficult. Haha

Update: The doctor wants to start up lithium after all. So I'm going to start that back up tonight. I asked about ECT and Ketamine and they said no to ECT because of a recent trauma and Ketamine is outpatient apparently so that may be an option when I get out of the hospital. I'm more bugged about that than I should be. It's literally the same old thing over and over again. But it's whatever. I just need to be more consistent with my medications.

So since it's the weekend things are pretty relaxed around here, which makes it pretty boring honestly. But it's alright.

I've been able to give it some thought, and I'm starting to feel well enough to where I can recognize the danger I was in before I came here, and maybe feel something about it. Where before I honestly didn't care. I've had a few gut-punching moments where I realized how close I was to pushing myself too far and ending it all. Which is honestly a scary realization when you start to get out of the suicidal mindset and reset back to stability. It's interesting how much your thought processes change when you start feeling better and more stable.

I mostly feel bad because I'm not able to text people back while I'm here, I don't have access to my phone. I know there are a couple people trying to get in contact with me and I'm unable to respond (I briefly got permission to look at my texts, long story. Basically looking to see if my boss had replied to me, I'm worried about keeping my job after having had so much time off for hospitalizations and sicknesses. Still trying to figure out if they can fire me for that).

The doctors here have noted that I've had a blunted, flat, depressed, and anxious affect over the last couple of days, but today noted that I had a neutral affect. So improvement I think? We'll see if it lasts.

They noted that it's estimated I'll be here 7-10 days.

Feeling good today. More motivated to solve my problems rather than surrender to them.

I'm considering applying for disability. One of the patients here recommended a disability lawyer to me and honestly getting a lawyer sounds like the way to go. You don't have to pay them if your claim gets denied. You pay them when you get paid disability benefits, and they will back pay you when your claim is approved, meaning from when you were determined to be disabled to the time it took for your claim to be approved, you will be paid. Meaning there will be enough for you to pay your lawyer. Considering it takes an average of 16-18 months for a claim to get approved.

The only downfall is if I go this route I have to settle with the fact that I won't be able to work full-time, and I'm limited on how many hours I can work. I can't make more than a certain amount or else I won't qualify for disability. I'm definitely struggling to work full-time right now. I've averaged 21 hours a week, but I would have to drop to 15 hours a week to qualify. 

Lots to think about.

I met with my doctor this morning, we increased the lithium dose back to 750mg. They mentioned the possibility of doing a residential program, but left it up to me. I honestly didn't really consider it until my social worker later in the day brought it up again, and gave me more information on it. Because I have been hospitalized 4 times in the last 6 months, it does seem like a good option. I'm just nervous to commit to doing that because I've never done one before, but one of the patients here has done one before and said she loved it. 

Nervous because it means 1 month without income, but also means 1 month without expenses like gas and food.

I could also do a Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP) where I spend about 40 hours a week Monday-Friday from like 9-5 doing treatment. If I did that I could find an easy job and work Saturdays and Sundays and have some income coming in. But, I think my parents want me to do the residential program. And I think that might be the best option.

Haha, my secret wish is that I get out of here Thursday and start up Residential on Monday. Because the Imagine Dragons concert is on Friday and I'm really, really wanting to go to that. Haha. But, obviously I will do what is best for my health, just really sucks if I miss it because I was really looking forward to that.

I met with my doctors again today, today it was a fill in doctor because my normal doctor was out. They asked about how I could be more med compliant, how my meds were going, things like that. They will be drawing blood tomorrow morning for a lithium level to check where it's at. 

Because I have been hospitalized 4 times now in 6 months, it was recommended that I do a residential program for a month or so. So we also discussed potential programs I could do. My social worker found 3 that accept my insurance, 1 of which was out of network. So really just two. I researched them both today and feel like one of them will be the better option, New Roads in either cottonwood heights or provo. 

I honestly got pretty sad tonight as I realized I won't be going back to my normal life for a while. I miss my clients and my coworkers. And friends too. The program that I was looking at has a 14 day blackout period where I will have no contact with anyone outside of the facility, no communication whatsoever. No internet either I don't think. Which will be hard, communication with family and friends here has been what has gotten me through the day.

But overall, I agree with my parents that it will be the best option for me. If I go back to the same circumstances I was in before the hospital, what will be different? The definition of insanity is doing the same things over again and expecting different results. I've done the exact same thing twice in a row now, how can I expect a different result?

Anyways, I'm just nervous because I don't know what to expect and I don't want to be miserable for the next month. But I know it'll be lots of therapy and med management, so it shouldn't be too bad. I'm also nervous because I don't know what it means for my job. I requested a leave of absence but I don't know if they will grant it, if they don't I will have to quit. And then I could reapply once I finish the program and I'm hoping they will hire me back. But I just don't know. 

And then there are the finances. I have paid for August's rent, but I have other expenses that will come up like my phone bill and medical bills. I should go and cancel my subscriptions while I will be away. But then it's just hoping I have enough to pay for September's rent, and then struggling to make enough after that to pay for my medical bills and phone bill for september, which means I will need to be done with the program by the beginning of September and start working again ASAP. Just a pain. I wish I wasn't so broke so I could take full advantage of the program, they say the average stay is 74 days. My stay will obviously be less.

Lots to think about.

I don't typically ask for help or for money, but I really need it right now. I'm not sure how many people, if any, read this blog. But if you do come across this, I would very greatly appreciate any donations. 

I am hoping to go to a residential treatment center, but their average stay is 74 days. I don't have enough money to pay rent for my apartment for September and I just lost my job today due to having to take too much time off of work for mental health. I won't be able to work because I will be in the treatment center for the next month or so, meaning I don't have the income coming in that I need. So really, I am in a tough spot and I don't really know what else I can do.

If anyone has any ideas, I'm all ears. Otherwise, any and all donations are greatly appreciated! Thank you so much.

https://www.gofundme.com/f/sarahs-medical-and-rental-expenses-fundraiser/widget/large/

I'm up pretty early this morning because I couldn't sleep. I checked my gofundme this morning and wow, I am so surprised at how generous people are. I don't like asking for help, but I really need it right now and to see that people are willing to help me out is very humbling and heartwarming. My gofundme has $935 as of 6:15 this morning, so much more than I was expecting it to have this soon. The relief I feel is so amazing. I can now pay my rent for September as well as my other bills such as utilities, phone (though I may cancel it for a month, I'm not sure yet), and medical bills. I'm not sure yet, but depending on how much I have I may be able to stay longer at the treatment center now that I have some funds. I think it'll be cutting it close as of right now, but now it's possible to go and not have to worry about rent etc. I am so so grateful to all those who have donated, thank you sincerely.

It's looking like Recovery ways might be the residential program I'm going to go to. We're still working things out with insurance and everything so it's not 100% that I'll be going there, but it's looking much more promising than New roads. New Roads was going to cost me $15,000 out of pocket, so we said nooooo to that haha. We're hoping more of it will be covered at Recovery Ways.

My lithium level was checked this morning and came back at 0.9, which is right in the middle of the therapeutic range. So it makes sense why I'm feeling better haha. 

I will be here at the very least until Monday. 

I applied for short term medicaid which will also hopefully help with a few things, she said it usually goes through in 72 hours and with it being the weekend it probably won't until Tuesday. But still, that's faster than I expected! I hope that works out too and that I can get on that. It would act as a secondary insurance since I am still on my parents' insurance until May 2023. 

I'm feeling a lot more hopeful, I think everything is going to work out :) and people donated a lot more than I thought they would to my gofundme, which I am overwhelmed with gratitude for. It's up to $1355. That has been such a relief, now I don't have to worry about rent and my other bills as I'm seeking treatment at the residential facility. Thank you to everyone who donated!!

We're looking at a Monday discharge date if everything is in order for me to go to Recovery Ways. It's looking like it's all going to work out. So I'm happy about that. I'm nervous for the transition and I hope the program is good. In the meantime, the weekend is kind of just a make it through kind of deal, not much going on. But it's okay, just boring. Lol

I find out if I am approved for short term medicaid on tuesday. I really hope I do get approved. That would help soooo much. I also am reapplying for financial assistance through the U, considering my position there is a chance they may wipe any bills from them. But we will see. Also, my ambulance bill is being reprocessed, there is a good chance I won't have to pay anything for that, if I do then not too much. And with my gofundme, I will have enough to pay rent for the months that I'll be gone and other bills, so I can relax and not worry too much about finances until after my treatment, which is a HUGE blessing. Thank you to everyone who made that possible.

Well, today's the day. I'm discharging at 2:30pm. Recovery Ways is going to bring a van over and pick me up. 

I'm really nervous, I don't know what to expect. But I'm hopeful and excited to move on. 

I'm not sure if I will have computer access while I am there. Or phone access either. So this may be my last entry for a while.

Thank you sincerely to everyone who donated, I met my goal and then some. It is currently at $1620, my goal was $1500. I should definitely have enough now to cover the costs I need to, and hopefully the residential program will be covered by insurance and if not then I should be able to get a scholarship based on my current situation, so the most it'll cost me is $2,000-$3,000. Which I am happy about. Especially compared to the $15,000 it was going to cost me to go to New Roads. Lol. 

I am grateful, nervous, excited and relieved. Hopefully the next month at Recovery Ways will be a good experience. Then after the residential program, they do a Partial Hospitalization Program/Day Treatmenr, that should be a 9-5 deal Monday through Friday. Then the month after that it'll be a step down to IOP for 10 hours a week, at which point I can start working part-time. And then back down to individual therapy once a week.

I'm confident in this plan, and I really hope it's a good experience.

Treadmill

Treadmill

Treadmill

Fitness to Recover today kicked my butt. HARD workout.

I just wanted to give an update, I don't have a lot of time. I have like 10 minutes to do this haha

I got to recovery ways last Monday. I should be here about 30 days. We are changing my meds. The plan is to get off of lithium and be completely on abilify so that I can take a shot once a month instead of taking my pills every day. That should help with the med compliance. I just have to tolerate the higher dose of medication first, and about 75% of people who go off lithium and onto abilify completely are fine and 25% are not and will need to supplement with lithium. But it's worth a shot. 

It's very structured here so at first I was very overwhelmed but I'm used to it now. It's juist a lot haha.

I've been able to run a bit while I am here, they have a treadmill. But I've also been doing other workouts. I did a workout this morning with a couple girls. 

Things are good. I feel like this is helping me. I'm just sad about losing my job as a result of needing so much help and losing those work relationships with clients and coworkers and my boss.

I was able to run again today. I just did 2.5 miles on the treadmill. 

I forgot to mention earlier that I went to the ER because I had terrible pain in my right abdomen, they thought it might be appendicitis but it ended up being an ovarian cyst that had ruptured. Lol. That wasn't very fun haha

Things are good, just working through traumas. 

Treadmill

FTR today (a weights/lifting class)

Played a game of soccer and felt like that was a sufficient workout haha.

FTR again today, upper body focus. It was a good time :) 

Mixed feelings about today, started off good but ended a little rough. But that's okay, there's always tomorrow.

Treadmill

FTR today

Treadmill

Treadmill

I feel really good about being here at Recovery Ways. There are things that I don't like, but overall I feel like it's been a really good thing for me. We've been focusing on trauma work a lot, every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday we have a process group where we can dive deep into traumas. We also have classes that are interactive like CPT that is a trauma based therapy. We meet with a therapist once a week and I really love my therapist. She's amazing. I had a therapy session yesterday and we dove deep into one of my traumas, and we realized that a lot of the same features that showed up in this trauma showed up in a previous trauma. We also noticed that I put up a barrier between my emotions while telling the story of what happened. I was in my emotions for a second. Then went back to being detached from it. 

We also meet with a psychiatrist once a week, I like him too. He introduced me to the idea of taking a shot once a month instead of meds every day, to help me be more med compliant. We're shifting my meds so that it may be possible, this week will be especially telling if it works or not. They ordered the shot so that should come in the next couple days.

While doing trauma work I realized a previous trauma is affecting me more than I let on, so I am doing a lot of work surrounding that.

On Wednesday I may potentially move to PHP (partial hospitalization program) which will mean I have more freedom in the evenings and will have access to my phone etc. So I am excited about that. My doctor and therapist just have to sign off on it, so I hope they do. It'll still have a ton of groups like we do here, it's basically the same thing with a little more freedom. And I will have the same therapist and psychiatrist over there as I do here.

So overall, things are going well.

I moved over to Recovery Ways PHP program yesterday, which means I have my phone and I have more freedom. I can leave in the evenings and on weekends. So that'll be nice :) I have my car so I can go anywhere I want. It's very different here and kind of boring but so far so good. 

AM: FTR early morning workout. Heavy on legs.

PM: 1.5 mile run

Sorry it's been a week... lol.

So I had to add back the lithium because I kinda tanked. So we started that back up last night, it should take a few days for it to take full effect. 

I'm getting mixed signals about how long I'll be here, my therapist said I have authorization until the 23rd from my insurance then they'll do another evaluation to see if I can stay longer. But my case manager said she had put in my discharge date as the 15th. So not sure which it is, I'm guessing the 23rd one is more accurate but I'm not sure. That's just a long time to be here hahaha

After this I'll be going to IOP. Hopefully back at Salt Lake Behavioral Health like I was at before. 

Went running in the evening, I was struggling mentally and needed to get out running so I did. It's been a hard week. I did some really hard, but I'll admit courageous things this week. My left hip was randomly hurting to walk but running it felt fine so... weird  

Today I experienced the most intense cravings/impulses to drink alcohol. I got up and came back to PHP as soon as they got really strong, but damn. I think that's a sign I should never drink alcohol again, because I don't know when to stop drinking once I get started. And my suicide plan surrounded overdosing on alcohol and my meds, so I should probably be really really careful about that. It's just hard when you crave it. 

8:44 average

All of today was another struggle mentally. I don't know what it is. I'm just depressed because I don't see there ever being a time when I don't struggle. Bipolar disorder never "goes away." For me, it's always going to be a fight. And I'm just so tired. So tired of trying, of fighting, of pushing off the inevitable. It's just so hard.

People say "please stay" or "choose to stay" as if it's that easy not to think about or attempt suicide. It's not. It's really not. I've been fighting suicidal thoughts for 4 years and depressed for years before that. And it's not getting any better. I've tried more medications than I can remember, I've tried ECT, I've tried in-patient hospitals, I've tried therapy, I've tried residential treatment, I'm in a partial hospitalization program, I've tried an intensive outpatient program, and it's always come back. And sometimes, I don't think it's something that the right medication or the right treatment can fix. I've spent thousands of dollars on treatments and I'm. Still. Struggling. I've chosen to "stay" many many MANY times. But I'm just so tired of fighting this battle. 

My biggest dream in life has always been to become a mother. But do you really think I could ever be a good enough mom if I continue to struggle as I have over the years? Could I really be a good enough wife? I honestly believe that someday, even if it's not soon, I will die by suicide. And when that happens, I will have let down far more people than I would if I just committed suicide tomorrow. Not to mention, if I have kids, I'm more than likely going to pass down my disease on to them.

Anyways, I know that my death would hurt the people close to me. I know that. But I'm damned if I commit suicide, and damned if I don't. Sure, me "choosing to stay" hurts less people, but for once I'm tired of thinking about everyone else. I'm hurting. How is it fair to euthanize old people to put them out of their misery but blame someone for committing suicide when they've been suffering for so long?

Anyways. I know this is depressing but at this point I don't really care. I don't care about much of anything these days. 

I'm probably going to talk to the on-call therapist tonight about some of these thoughts. If I can get through tomorrow, I think I will be okay. But I'm nervous about tomorrow. 

It's about time I post an update haha. I'm sorry. I left it up on a very depressing post and then went MIA for 10 days. 

To fill you in on what happened, I did talk to an on-call therapist. I did that a couple nights in a row. The first night I was placed on a 24 hr hold to keep me safe, meaning I couldn't leave the facility for 24 hours. I talked to the psychiatrist and was put back on lithium, at 450 out of the 750 I had been on before. So a little more than half. That combined with the increased abilify seemed to be just enough to pull me out of that funk. 

To be honest, I'm still not feeling amazing, but I am feeling significantly better than I was in my last blog post. Not quite as hopeless. Those thoughts are still valid and I do wonder about them, but it's not as pressing as before.

I'll be discharging from PHP tomorrow morning. I'm both nervous and excited about it. Ready to be out of here, but also incredibly nervous about going back to my apartment after 8 weeks of treatment (inpatient, residential, PHP). It'll be an adjustment for sure. 

I definitely think I might still be depressed, which isn't what I'd hoped after 8 weeks of treatment, but it is what it is. Im at least to a level where I'm not going to hurt myself or worse, and I can look forward towards the next steps like getting a job and working once again.

My current struggles are trying to find a job I enjoy that pays the bills but also isn't super high stress because too much stress pushes me over the edge. I'm wondering if such a job exists, lol. 

5SOS came out with their new album today, it's a lengthy one with 19 songs! To celebrate of course I had to go for a run and enjoy the music. I ended up running a little longer today, 3.25 miles. 9:03 average pace. 

I had a therapy session before this during which my therapist recommended I do ketamine treatments. I know someone commented about them on my blog previously, and my mom has suggested I do them, and I've heard very good things about it. My therapist told me she would be willing to sit in with me on the sessions and be my guide through the experience. The only problem is that it's so expensive. I'm looking at dropping 2 grand on it. But, I called the place and they said they could do a payment plan and they may consider financial assistance. I'm going in for a consultation on Tuesday, which I'm very excited about. I've heard very good things about it. I'm definitely intruiged. I've tried just about everything else. My therapist said she'd like to see me thrive, not just survive. So hopefully this can help me do that. 

Today's run was a bit rough, I just feel so out of shape. My chest felt like it had a weight on it. But I was glad I made it more than 2 miles. I want to get back to doing at least 3 miles a day, but I will have to work for that.

9:18 average

So the last couple days I've been working out potentially doing ketamine treatments, and it worked out! Tomorrow will be my first session. I'm pretty nervous but excited. 

Easy run today, 9:06 average. I have my first ketamine appointment later today, I'm not really sure what to expect but my therapist is going to be there to guide me through it. I'm excited but nervous.

Edit: so I just got back from doing my first ketamine treatment. It felt... weird. It felt very odd I almost felt like I was drunk but not really, I was getting some really cool visuals of things moving like a cool abstract painting of sorts that moved, I saw waves and felt them moving. At one point trauma did come up and it was scary but my therapist was there and helped remind me that I was safe, and I had a really big epiphany at the end that I’m a good person, always have been and I deserve to be loved, and I didn’t deserve what happened to me and it wasn’t my fault and I can let it go now because it’s in the past. Idk I thought it was really cool and really healing.

I’m definitely glad my therapist was there and not just the guide. I’ve been working with her for a couple years so she knows me well and could tell when I was starting to struggle and helped direct me out of that. And I was able to tell her what was coming up and know that she understood.

8:58 average

I found a job! I had an interview today and got hired at the airport. I will be helping push people in wheelchairs. It will be a lot of walking, about 10-12 miles a day. I'll be doing it part-time, 3 days a week for 8 hours at a time.

Nice refreshing sunday morning run. 8:46 average

Was thinking about how I gained back the 10 lbs I lost in June or July from being sick... I'll admit I'm a little sad. But then again, I ate well in the hospital and in residential and PHP, so it makes sense why I'd gain it back. I just would rather be 128 than 138. But! That's the kind of thinking that led me to anorexic tendencies in college, so I've got to switch my thinking around.

I was happy with today's run, for being under 9:00 pace the whole time. It felt good too. 

Almost went running this morning, but I had a ketamine treatment this afternoon and last time they had a hard time setting up the IV I think because I was dehydrated (I misinterpreted the "fast" to mean no food or water 4 hrs before, but they just meant food haha). So I opted to not run to keep as hydrated as possible. They still had a little difficulty getting a vein today, but it took 2 tries instead of the 3 it took last time so improvement! Although the first try the vein rolled and then collapsed, so that wasn't good. Ah.

Anyways, this ketamine treatment I didn't have my therapist there because she's out of town, so I had one of their guides sit in instead. It was a different but still good experience. This time, I saw figures doing body movements kind of like dancing slowly. It was pretty cool. I felt the pulsations in and out and had that same odd feeling, this time it didn't feel quite like waves. It's hard to explain that feeling. I was completely stress free for the full 45 minutes, so that was amazing. I had a moment where it was as if I was watching my whole existence from a distance. I realized how minuscule I am on the grand scale of things. I recognized that life is always moving and changing. I also recognized that my life is changing a lot right now in particular and it has the past few months with everything going on. Like how most people have a daily routine, I very much do not have a routine going on. Each day is different. My most notable thoughts during this session were: "Do I matter?" And "Does it matter if I matter?" Questions I've been pondering since the session. Towards the end of the session I got really sad, remembering a conversation I had with a family member the night before. During that conversation I told this family member that I went to the bishop of my ward for help because I wasn't going to be able to pay for some of the things I needed and I knew my family couldn't help me. I told them I was desperate, because, well, I am. Just in this period of time where I'm waiting to start my new job. This family member freaked out, as if going to the bishop for help were the worst thing I could've done. I guess in their mind, I've rejected the church so I don't deserve the help given by the church. They then proceeded to call me selfish and self-absorbed, which hurt a whole lot. So, in this ketamine session I remembered that conversation, and cried while holding the guide's hand for probably the last 5 minutes.

So, in all, a different experience from my first time, but I think it was good to feel those emotions. 

I went to IOP after my ketamine infusion and expressed what happened last night to the group, many of them got upset for me. Saying I should continue to pursue help from the church despite what my family member said. They said that's what their aid is for: both people in and out of the church. You don't have to be a member. And one person said besides, I paid tithing and fast offerings for years while I was in the church, this was just that coming back around to me. One of them offered me canned food from an evangelical church and I accepted, that was so kind of him. So I got that tonight after IOP. That helps a lot. 
 

It was a little chilly out this morning! I woke up a little earlier than normal so I decided to go running early. I made it 2.7 miles without stopping once, which was a small accomplishment. Then I ran until 3.05 when a blister popped and I decided to walk home. It was quite painful haha. I averaged 8:51, which I was also happy about. 

I had my third ketamine treatment today. They upped the dose a little this time since I've been able to handle the lower dose. It was real trippy haha. Hard to explain. I didn’t see shapes or figures this time, it was as if the whole room was morphing into a kaleidoscopic picture. My therapist was there this time and I could see her like 4 times at once at some points. She was the one constant as everything else shifted. It was crazy cool. I really felt like we were diving deep into me this time around, as if everything was on the table and we were peering around into my mind. And I felt peace. Without worry. I remember telling my therapist it felt like I didn’t know where I was or what I was doing or anything, and she likened it to a rebirth. And yeah, that’s kind of how it felt. Putting things in the past. Moving forward. It felt like everything inside me was being stretched and pulled apart like taffy and put back together again. I don’t even know how to explain it this isn’t doing it justice, it was super cool and a very good experience.

Yeah, you just get so sucked into the experience that it’s like nothing else matters haha. Like I didn’t know where I was, but I wasn’t upset about it. It was like okay I’m going for a ride I’ll deal with any other shit later 😂 and my therapist was there, and I could still see and hear her talking to me, and I was able to respond although I wasn’t able to think through what I was going to say as much it was like I thought it and then said it as I thought it. Sometimes it felt like I was dreaming rather than actually seeing and hearing her. Idk how to explain it but I felt calm and safe the whole time.

I think this is the first time in 10 years that I can listen to a song say, "and that's what makes me want to die" and I can say, yes I understand what that's like, to want to die, but I don't feel like I want to anymore. For the first time possibly ever in my life, I feel like life is something to be explored, like it's bright and happy. 

During this treatment my therapist told me I've been through hell, but it's time for me to thrive. And that's what I feel like doing now. Thriving. Not just surviving. I'm ready for life to be happy and pleasant. I'm ready to enjoy it rather than just get by every day. 

I was feeling kind of slow and heavy today, but I pushed through. Didn't stop once! 8:31 average. 

Crazy busy day today, didn't have time to run. My left eye randomly swelled yesterday and got much worse this morning. I ended up going to the doctor, it's not pink eye or an eye infection. Nothing was in my eye. He said it looked like I got decked in the face. Could be an allergy so I got some eye drops and Benadryl, which didn't help at all. It hurts to blink. 

I was in a car accident today. Shook me up really good. I'm okay, but my back hurts. It could've been a lot worse.

I was going northbound on State St. between 4500 S and 3900 S in the middle lane (a 3 lane road each way, 6 lanes total plus the mid suicide lane). I had pulled into the middle lane (so a lane on each side of me of northbound traffic, the second lane from the right) because of road construction, half the road was paved in the far right lane and half was not. I didn't like driving on it like that, hence the lane change to fully paved road. I began to pass a white Chevrolet Silverado, in the right lane that had just pulled out of the costa vida parking lot. I was mid-pass when he pulled into my lane, hitting the back end of my car. I spun out, struggled to regain control of the car but managed not to veer onto the sidewalk or hit any other cars. I ended up turned around facing oncoming traffic/his Silverado. It was an effective PIT maneuver, lol

Just counting my lucky stars because if I'd been going any faster, I would've rolled. And my car, although damaged, is still driveable. Airbags didn't deploy. And I'm lucky I wasn't closer to any other cars because that could've ended badly. 

Seeing as I had a long day, first day of work plus the accident plus IOP in the evening (where I was headed when the accident happened), and my back hurts, I didn't run today.

I've been exhausted after coming home from work the past couple of days. And my back has been hurting. So I haven't run yet this week. Until today :) 8:50 mile.

I decided to try running because my back wasn't hurting much when I woke up. However, a half mile into it and my back was getting worse. I decided to turn around there because I don't want to injure it further. I have a doctors appointment this evening so hopefully we can figure out what's going on. It really wasn't bad this morning, I almost wondered if I should even go to the doctor because it's nothing I can't manage. But I guess it could get worse over the coming days/weeks so better to check it out now. 

I didn't realize I was already adjusting to running with only 3 days a week, but I certainly felt the week off. It's crazy how fast you lose fitness, but also, cool how you can gain it back.

I was struggling a bit today, had to stop and walk a couple times. But I still managed to average 8:49. Anytime I'm under 9:00 I'm happy.

I did end up going to the doctor, he said I either sprained or strained something in my back. It's feeling better now, but every now and again it hurts. Ah well. 

Easy run, still was struggling a bit. My chest hurt haha

I walked 8.5 miles at work today (I work at the airport pushing people in wheelchairs to and from their gates, so most of that was also pushing people which is harder than just walking normal. And some of those inclines are quite difficult especially if you have a heavier passenger. Particularly the inclines in the tunnel between A and B gates. You hardly notice them when walking, but when pushing, oh man it's hard haha).

I had IOP immediately after work, so I didn't get home until 8:30pm, and at that point it was dark and my legs were dead, so I opted not to run. 

I walked 7.5 miles today for work, my legs were also quite dead and sore afterwards. I went to hang out with my friend after work, so no running. 

Walked 11.2 miles at work

Walked 10 miles at work

Easy run early this morning, I fell asleep early last night and woke up early as a result. So what better thing to do to pass the time than go running?

8:58 average.

Someone told me yesterday that I seem happier and I smile more now than I did before, which was really encouraging. I am feeling so much better. Ketamine really works wonders. I have my last infusion tomorrow. 

10.6 miles walked at work

I walked probably 10-11 miles today for work, I lost my phone for a few hours and so my phone only says I walked 7.3 miles. But I'd guess it was closer to 10-11. 

Walked 9.7 miles at work

Easy 1.5. Not the most enjoyable run, it was rainy and cold. Pretty sure it was turning to snow at the end. 

Worked today, I was put on Hardstand where you are bussed out to your plane so I was freezing all day. Also didn't walk as much today, just 4 miles. Came home shivering even though it was warm inside and after 30 minutes decided to take my temperature, 101.9. I really didn't want to get sick again but alas. I also have body aches and a sore throat. Not very fun. 

No running today, I'm still very sick. Fever is up to 102. I went to urgent care this morning because I've been developing a red lump on my tonsil and my tonsils are covered in white, so I thought it was strep. But I tested negative. The doc said sometimes it produces a false result and I have all the classic signs of strep, so he prescribed me amoxicillin. He also gave me a COVID test because he says recently COVID has Ben presenting with primarily sore throats. I should get that result in 24 hours. But I took two rapid tests and both were negative so I'm not thinking it is COVID. 

Easy 1.5 in the rain. It was definitely strep. Yesterday (2 days after starting amoxicillin) I started feeling SO much better. Fever disappeared, I could finally swallow with a good amount of pain but much better than before, and no more body aches. A night and day difference. Today pain when swallowing is minimal. At its peak the pain was 9 or 10 out of 10, now it's a 1 or 2 out of 10. 

Walked 7.3 miles at work

10.7 miles walked

7.9 miles walked

9.2 miles walked

Easy 1.5. 9:03 average

I have an appointment later today, a consultation for at-home ketamine. It's the nasal spray version. I hope it helps haha, I'm sure it will considering how well the infusions worked. 

10.7 miles walked at work

8.8 miles walked at work

8.3 miles walked

10.3 miles walked at work

2 miles walked at work.

I went home early today because I am sick again. I have a fever and body aches and a slight cough with phlegm. Not very fun, lol

Tested positive for COVID

Happy Thanksgiving!

Feeling a lot better today, yesterday I was miserable. I had a fever, body aches, headache, pain when moving my eyes, cough, congestion and sore throat. Today I'm down to sore throat, congestion, and slight cough. I hear it's common for the symptoms to come and go with COVID, so I'm enjoying this relief while it lasts. And who knows? Maybe that really was the worst of it. Haha

Still on the ups, might go running today because why not? Today is my last day of quarantine woooo!

Well running was probably a bad idea, my chest hurt the whole time and then once I stopped I couldn't stop coughing for a long time. But hey I tried haha. 

Went back to work today, walked 9 miles. 

11 miles walked at work

6 miles walked at work

4.5 miles walked

9.1 miles walked

10 miles walked at work

9.3 miles walked at work

8.5 miles walked

8 miles walked at work.

Just now updating the blog. I moved to Millcreek last week, so now I'm closer to family, friends and work. Haven't been running, thinking maybe I'll start up sometime soon. But idk. It's icy out. 

3 miles easy, 8:24 average 

Haven't really been running, but thought I'd give a life update haha. I'm working at the airport, I moved to Millcreek, and I'm kinda sorta dating a guy named TJ. He's a firefighter/paramedic. We first met up on November 26th, I met him on Bumble lol. I like him a lot, but we'll see if it goes anywhere haha. I was just with him last night actually, before he went on shift. 

My mental health is doing better, not amazing but not terrible. I'm struggling a bit financially but what else is new? But overall, I feel like I'm doing well :) I'm looking for a new job because management sucks at Prospect (airport job). But we'll see how that goes. I'm wanting to start running again soon.