Sock tans

Shriners run

VA loop, 7:24 average

It's been a crazy busy break but I'm excited to go back to Rexburg. We leave Tuesday afternoon.

Out and back on Foothill

Drove back to Rexburg, didn't end up running

I was going to run but was going to wait to see if Sawyer wanted to come, an hour later and Sawyer and I were both like mehhhh so we didn't end up going. It's very snowy and we were both tired so motivation was low

Ran with Sawyer, we did a loop out kinda towards Nature Park because our only option for running outside was to run in the road, it snowed a TON today. And the roads in Rexburg aren't ever plowed well haha soooo sidewalks are definitely a no go. We were going to go to the gym and run inside or something but I had work and didn't have enough time for that.

Ran with Sawyer, it was a bit of a mess haha. There is so much snow here and the sidewalks aren't ever clear, so it consisted of running in the road which aren't plowed well either. There's always still a good 2-3 inches of snow leftover. Anyways, we were planning on going 5-6 but yeah... conditions just weren't great. On the plus side we got steeplechase practice from all the snow mounds, some were taller than us lol 

Ran laps on the indoor track in the I-center. Haha, it was a good time. My roommate Cat sent me 42 messages in the span of 15 minutes, I hadn't told her I was going running with Sawyer and she was wondering where I was... we were going laser tagging later in the evening and she was like SARAH WHERE ARE YOU haha she's pretty great. Laser tagging was a blast, good to be back with our friends from last semester

On a more serious note, I'm trying to get in to see a neurologist in Idaho Falls. My short term memory loss is still prevalent and it's concerning. Now that it's been so long since ECT treatments we know it can't be just that, and it can no longer be explained by fetal alcohol syndrome because of how extreme my memory loss was during ECT. My mom is wondering if there's something else going on. I'm really nervous and hope that we can figure this out, it's been pretty difficult to consider something more serious could be going on but my mom says not to panic, there are things we can do it may not be an underlying condition I may just need to adjust my diet or something to help improve memory. But it's best to know for sure. My mom says they'd be willing to pay for an MRI or anything I need to figure this out, so that takes a lot of the stress off. I just hope everything's okay. 

Wow I've been slacking. I'm going to put in a better effort to run every day even if it's cold. Today was actually nice, 37 degrees. The snow has started to melt so the sidewalks were pretty clear. It felt nice to get out and run, although I'm feeling the time off.

Things have been kind of crazy this semester. I've been focused more on studies, career options, work and future plans than I have on running. Which is natural, just an adjustment from last year. No longer being a collegiate athlete has changed my priorities, which I think is a good thing because now I'm not so focused on my athletic performance, it's not what's paying for my school anymore so it's something I get to do when I want to. It's also really good for me to develop a solid plan for the future and do some adulting haha. It's really cool to see everything come together. I wouldn't have guessed I'd be where I am today, but I'm really glad that I am.

Sawyer and I are still planning on getting married :) We're trying to figure out when that'll be. Our original plan of April is now more complicated, so our options are either May or August. It'll most likely be May, I think it'll work out best that way. Sawyer is thinking about taking a job in D.C. this summer, so depending on how he feels about the job (he's meeting with the head of sales this week) we could potentially get married in May then move to D.C. for the summer, then come back to Rexburg for school in the fall. Either that or we'll have to do a long-distance engagement, or both stay and work in Rexburg this summer. We're leaning towards May and DC though. 

Out and back towards Sugar City

Sawyer called me this evening and said he was going for a 13 miler, I foolishly asked if I could come haha. So we met up, started the loop which goes up past the temple. After a mile I was feeling it, we quickly realized today was not going to be a long run day. Once the sun set it was frigid, and second time around spaghetti doesn't taste too great haha. It was super icy and snowy. Anywho, maybe next time we'll make it the full thing if I prepare for it and don't do it on a whim

Out and back towards Sugar City again. Felt remarkably good, probs just compared to Monday's run though :) it snowed like a foot Monday night/yesterday

Looped out towards Walmart then down the bike path that follows the train tracks/river. Didn't have my watch on me so I guessed on the distance.

It's been a while since I've blogged, I've done a few other runs that I didn't blog but can't remember which days/how far. One of them was with Sawyer and I slipped majorly on a patch of ice and banged up my knee pretty good. I still have a good bruise from it but it doesn't hurt anymore :)

We went down to Utah this weekend, Sawyer recieved his endowment in the Bountiful temple. One of the missionaries that taught him back in Illinois drove up from California to be there and Sawyer's home ward Bishop from Illinois flew out to Utah for it as well. One of the sisters from his home ward also happened to be in Utah and Bishop Johnson had run into her the day before, he said there was a good chance she'd show up as well and sure enough she did. It was a really special day, I'm so happy that Sawyer had the support that he did. He's the first and only member in his family. That night Mitch, Kieth, Sawyer and I went on a triple date in Provo with a girl from Mitch's mission and her friend, both go to BYU. Then yesterday Sawyer and I went to stake conference with my parents and sisters and hung out at my parents place afterwards so he could meet them before heading back to Rexburg. It was quite the weekend.

Backwards Nature park loop then took 5th W to the main road. 7:43 average. It was 3 degrees out when I started

Ran on the indoor track in the I-center with Sawyer, then afterwards went to a cycling class. Stationary bike for 30 minutes alternating rpm and gears between 12-22.

Gonna get back on this running train. Running is a great stress reliever for me and the last couple of weeks my anxiety has been quite high. I need to make a lot of changes to get back up to a healthy mindset, my depression dipped a bit as well. It'll be about 2-3 months before I can get in to see the neurologist for my memory problems (I'm on the wait list currently). I'm going to start up individual therapy once more and adjust my medications, I'm going to get back on a mood stabilizer because Sawyer says he's noticed my mood swings have been more abundant lately. Ehhhh.

Drove to Cali, unfortunately no running today. We got there at like 5am on Saturday.

Not sure on the distance because neither Sawyer or I had a watch. I'd guess about 3 miles, maybe more. Running in Cali feels sooo good what with a slight humidity and warmer temperatures. It was so nice. 

Later in the evening we went to Los Angeles and ended up deciding last minute to hike to the Hollywood sign, but the sun sets fast haha. We ran about 2 miles up and ended up going to a summit with a very nice view of LA and the sign.

Normally I don't run on Sundays but decided that today could be an exception. We went to Huntington Beach in the evening and right at sunset Sawyer and I ran along the boardwalk. Then we stopped and dipped our feet in the ocean, it was crazy how quick the tide rose. We ran in the sand right next to the waves for about a half mile then went back to the boardwalk and ran back to our fire pit. 7:43 average. I love the beach! It was Sawyer's first time to the Pacific coast. 

Travel day, Sawyer, Mitch, Kieth and I are still a couple hours out from Rexburg. It's 1am. But hey it's Monday class schedule tomorrow even though it's a Tuesday (because of the holiday).

Long time no blog. I've run here and there, the last time I ran before this was the day of the Olympic Marathon Trials last week. I've fallen out of the habit of running and would love to get back into it. Today felt really nice, it was upper 30s so warm! At least for Rexburg. It was a good run, 7:37 average. 

My mental health has been kind of in the drain as of late. It's partially why it's difficult for me to get out and run, though a lot of that is also because of the snow. Anyways, this past week has been pretty difficult in particular, Sawyer has helped me out a lot. Today he called my parents and they surprised me by coming to pick me up in Rexburg. Plan right now is to go back to the University Neuropsychiatric Unit at the University of Utah. Sawyer and my parents helped me to load up all of my stuff in the car so now I'm moved out, this was all very unexpected. But probably needed, I've had some severe suicidal ideation. I've broken honor code to stay over at Sawyer's house the past couple of nights just because I didn't feel safe alone or at my house, I also gave Sawyer my entire stash of pills/vitamins because the way I'd have chosen to go was an overdose. I've also been self-harming and tempted to attempt suicide in other ways. So, yeah, basically I'm in a rough spot but now I'm getting help. Hopefully things can improve again. It's been almost exactly a year since I was admitted to the hospital for mental health reasons. Beginning of March/end of February must be a bad time for me. It's a little more complicated this time around because it's not just depression, I've been experiencing mania. Proof that I have bipolar disorder and not major depressive disorder. 

I was discharged from the hospital today. It was suuuuper nice outside, almost 60 degrees! So I went running. I'm super out of shape tho.

Strange to get out of the hospital and see that the world is in shambles because of the coronavirus. All of the colleges are now strictly online, including BYUI. All of my friends are heading back home. All NCAA competitions have been cancelled as well, strange to think about what it would've been like had I stayed at SUU.

Never before have I felt so lost and uncertain about the future. Usually I like to have an idea of what the next x months will look like, I don't even know what's going to happen a month from now. For now, I'm just grieving because of the mental illness I have. I didn't know it would affect my life so much. I've felt a lot of guilt and shame because of it, but my mom put it in perspective by pointing out that if my sister had leukemia they wouldn't be frustrated with her, it's out of her control. Just as my mental illness is out of mine. I didn't help manage it this year like I should've and there's some frustration there because of that, but overall I wouldn't have chosen to be where I am right now.

The good news is that I've been diagnosed with bipolar II disorder, which is better than bipolar I. It means I'm more likely to be able to function well in society. I've only experienced hypomanic episodes, but if I were to experience a full-fledged manic episode I'd then be diagnosed with bipolar I disorder. I'm still on the wait list to see a neurologist, the doctors determined that my memory issues don't require immediate attention. It'll actually be better to wait a few weeks before getting them addressed because it could be explained by fetal alcohol syndrome, ECT treatments, and my instability due to bipolar depression. If I can get my mood stabilized that'll help them to know what's more an underlying issue vs. a symptom of my bipolar disorder. 

I'm very grateful to Sawyer for calling my family and getting me the help I needed. Our future has been put on hold, now's not really the time to be making any major decisions like wedding plans. First I need to get healthy, then we can talk about the future. I won't be going back to BYUI (we've decided that the traditional way of going away to college just isn't something I can do right now, I'll be looking at other options. Either transitioning to working full-time or doing BYU pathway so I can go at my own pace and work on it from home, or transferring to a more local university or college so I can commute). so I'm really not sure what I'm going to be doing from now on. But everything will work out in the end, one way or another. 

Out and back on VA loop. Sawyer drove down from Rexburg today and I rode back with him so I could get my car back. It was probably my last time seeing a lot of my Rexburg friends, seeing as I most likely won't be going back to BYUI. We hiked Antelope island before heading back

Wasatch loop, 7:42 average. Felt decent, though I'm definitely out of shape. Slowly but surely I'll get back into it, I've just got to be consistent. Salt Lake is so much nicer out than Rexburg haha. It was almost in the 60s

Millie and Tessa wanted to go running today so I took them out for a run :) they made it 1.25 miles at about 11:15/mile pace, it was farther than I thought they'd go. I was impressed their tiny legs made it haha. Anyways, then I added two more miles. I think my meds make me tired cuz I've been exhausted the past little bit. My ankle/foot was bugging a little.

I used today's earthquake as an excuse not to run. It was 5.7 in magnitude, largest aftershock was 4.6

VA loop. I feel really lethargic. 

I was readmitted to the hospital on Tuesday, this time at the University Neuropsychiatric Unit, 4 North AKA the suicidal unit. Wooo. Anyways, I think this time is different, it's been helpful to be here. I've learned a lot of new things and am having my medications tweaked, the psychiatrist said that no one really stays at the dose that I was on, that it was a starter dose. So they doubled it. The tricky part is knowing when I'm okay to go home because depression/bipolar meds don't typically kick in for a few weeks. But the one I'm on typically you feel the effects quicker than others so that's a positive, plus it's a good medication on its own. It does its job well, according to my psychiatrist. It's just a newer medication and therefore very pricey. Meh but if it keeps me functional it's worth it.

At this point we're thinking I'll be discharged Monday, but we will see. I'm seeing a psychologist/therapist everyday, as well as a dietician who will help me with my eating habits. Also the psychiatrist and a social worker every day. And then we have group therapy all throughout the day every day, so it's a great place to get the help I need. It's a little different to be back a year later and not have my mind groggy from ECT treatments.

I'm doing better and slowly but surely finding the drive to want to help myself. I've needed help learning how I can best do that but I'm learning. And I've felt more motivation come back even just in the past couple of days, and now I have a goal in life once more. Something to work towards- becoming a recreational therapist. I sort of lost sight of that/ wasn't so sure if I wanted to do it, but I've met a couple recreational therapists in the past few weeks and they have been very, very helpful to me. I want to be able to help others the way they have me, and I feel as though it's a measureable goal I can achieve. I do doubt myself a little bit because my parents have suggested that the traditional way of going away to college might not be a plausible option for me anymore because I've struggled in school so much the past 2 years, but at the same time I don't want to just give up. I've learned about better resources that can help me and if I can get my depression/bipolar stuff under control I know I'll be capable of a lot more. So, really, my focus right now should be on getting better, but I'm grateful to have somewhere else to go when I've achieved that, or at least a goal.

It's been a crazy week, I'm still in the hospital. I'm set to discharge tomorrow. I got a fever and what does that mean? Quarantine! Got the full workup and was greeted with the blue gowns, masks and everything for almost 2 days. I just barely got released from quarantine maybe 25 minutes ago (so around 9:20pm). I wasn't allowed outside of my room. Got tested for COVID-19 and it came back negative, then got tested for Influenza A and B and both were negative as well, which is all good news. However, my parents are very cautious and want me to be quarantined once I go home as well, because they're not sure how reliable a negative test result is for COVID-19 what with it being such a new virus and all. My dad says I could've been tested too early or something, that a fever coming and going and coming again is one of the signs. I also have a stuffy nose and when I tried running earlier this week (found out about an outdoor courtyard and took advantage running laps) my throat/chest hurt and I started wheezing slightly. So, we'll be cautious. Mostly because my grandpa is going through cancer treatments and my dad wants to be able to go see him if he needs him and know he's COVID free (they've created a safe environment at home as they've been self-isolating for a few weeks now).

As for mental health, I'm doing a lot better. My lithium levels were tested this morning and came back at 0.5, which is just under the therapeutic range. I believe the therapeutic range is 0.6-1.2. I'm taking lithium as a mood stabilizer (which is apparently much stronger than Latuda, one of the strongest mood stabilizers and most effective for bipolar disorder), as well as a doubled dose of Latuda, from what I was taking prior to this hospital visit. I feel much more stable now and more like myself, which is all very positive. I've been here for 11.5 days now and the longer time period is to make sure I leave here with my medications managed at a level that will keep me from bouncing back to another hospital visit. My doctors and I are confident that we are now at that point, which is awesome. I really feel like things are going to be different from here on out and I'm glad to have finally figured out something that manages both my depressive and hypomanic states. Being hypomanic is awesome until my mood drops, and even then it negatively impacts my life when it leads me to making impulsive decisions. So to have that figured out really is a true blessing.

Out and back on Foothill. First mile sucked, my lungs hurt. But then after that is was okay, my legs felt great and it was awesome to get outside. The last mile I picked it up and my legs felt it. I'm a bit sore from it actually. I'm out of shape currently, I mean it's been a long time since I've been consistent with running. I hope to be more consistent over the next couple of weeks and get back into the swing of things and allow my body to ease back into it. 

Out and back on Foothill

VA loop. My gut hurt pretty dang bad on the way back

Foothill again. Slowly getting back into it. My gut hurts after like 1.5 to 2 miles in, hopefully this goes away soon. Other than that, running feels really nice. 

Out and back on Foothill again. It was a really nice day and I didn't feel like I was ready to be done, but I want to ease back into running and not go to town on mileage then get injured. I probably could've done a few more miles, but I was in the mood for longer. I wanted to soak up the sun. So instead I biked up emigration canyon. I made it to the switchback and up a little ways. I got off my bike to take in the view and ohh my legs. I didn't realize how tired they were until I stopped. But it's cool, it was much faster going down than coming up. From my house to that point and back took me an hour and 32 minutes. Not a real biker haha there were tons of people out biking and passing me but I was happy with it. 

This reminded me of how competitive I can get. It helps when trying to run fast for the most part, but sometimes that competitive spirit shows up in other areas when I'm otherwise trying to enjoy myself. Which is perfectly fine, I'm just trying to have a better attitude and stop putting myself down when I don't perform as well as others. This is a trap I've found myself caught in for many years. I keep wanting to tell myself oh, I'm out of shape so as to give an excuse as to why I'm not performing as well as the next person and lower the bar of expectation. But instead what I want to do is be grateful for what my body can do and be accepting of the limits it has. Then work on pushing those limits farther and farther, while still maintaining an appreciation and enjoyment of what my body can do. Rather than being so concerned about what others think of the times or miles I run, because realistically it'll never be enough especially now as I'm getting back into shape, I want to focus on my progress and the improvement that I can make each day. I want to be satisfied with the work I put in and be more forgiving of myself for mistakes that I make. And I want to be more focused on the positives than on the negatives. I want to believe in myself rather than tell myself I can't do something because of this, this and this. I want to believe that anything is possible if I put in enough time and effort into it. 

AM: Yesterday was Good Friday and President Nelson had invited everyone who wanted to participate in a worldwide fast. Unfortunately I forgot that it was yesterday and had already eaten a bowl of cereal when I realized it was Friday, so I decided to fast today instead. So this morning I went out for a run having had no food and only a tiny sip of water to take my morning medication. A half mile in I changed my mind and I decided to turn around with the intention of running later this evening when I have some food in me (I have to eat dinner because Latuda has to be taken with a meal, otherwise it's not absorbed properly). So a good 1 mile shakeout.

This is the first time in 5 months that I have run every day of the week. Booya. 

I almost didn't go running today but I forced myself to go. Ended up being pretty decent. 

Sawyer dropped by afterwards, it was the first time seeing him face to face in about a month. He says he'll drop by once more before he heads to Iowa. 

Almost didn't go again but I'm glad I did. This was the first run in this batch of running that felt relaxed and smooth. No stomach pain. Felt really good. 

Wasatch loop again, this time with stomach cramps and rain :) but it still was nice. I was surprised to find my average pace was 7:46, I felt like I was going pretty slow. It was nice and relaxed. 

Wasatch loop, 7:40 average. I stopped and walked for a minute 3 times. Then stopped to fix my hair once. But hey I'm getting back into shape so I'll cut myself some slack. I'm going to make it a goal to stop taking walk breaks during runs. And make that the usual once more. 

VA loop. I felt really good! Felt like I was moving well. I didn't bring my garmin this time because I had cramps before I started and expected it to not feel good. I didn't want to discourage myself further by looking at my pace. But surprisingly it felt great :) and I made it the whole way without stopping to walk for a minute, which is an accomplishment. Met my goal :) I'm surprised at how quickly I'm getting back into it. I expected to feel crappy for a couple more weeks before it started to feel nice. I'm grateful for that. 

Shriner's run. I started with a soaking wet shoe because I'd been staining our fences beforehand, then went to wash the paintbrushes and forgot I was wearing my running shoes, they got sprayed. My hammies are sore, I'll probably back it off on miles beginning of next week if they're still sore. I just don't want to increase miles too fast, second week back and almost 30 miles, up 10 from last week

Out and back on Foothill

Shriner's run, 7:54 average.

Wasatch loop, 7:53 average

VA loop

Meant to go running this evening after I finished staining the fence, then got a call from Sister Wilde from my mission. It ended up being an almost 4 hour call, and by the time we finished it was 11 pm. But it was really awesome to catch up with her and see what's the DL from Missouri. She's the sweetest lady. President Monson was her husband's mission president. She always knows how to uplift me and get me excited about things, brings to surface the missionary in me. It was exactly what I needed, I've been stressing about what to do in life now that things are so out of whack and it hit me- trust in the Lord and everything will be okay. I'll be directed where I need to go. 

Wasatch loop to the zoo. Felt really great, nice and relaxed

AM: Wasatch loop. I'm starting to feel like I'm actually getting back in shape. Running is feeling really good, I'm getting excited about starting to increase miles this week. Thinking about doing two a days, both to help with mileage and to give me something to do in the evenings to release built up energy from boredom. 

I haven't been taking a watch with me because I want to run at a pace that feels good and enjoy my runs. All of these runs I've memorized the length of. I don't want to be so caught up with hitting a specific pace that I obsess over it. For now, I want to go with the higher miles less intensity approach to getting into shape. Build up my base. Then I'll see how I feel about introducing speed work, fartlek, hills, etc. once I do that though I want to have a goal, a time-trial or a race to be working for. 

PM: VA loop, 4 miles. I love night runs, I always feel so much better in the evenings.

Today I had a therapy Zoom call and I also went back up to UNI for a psychiatry appointment to check in with meds. Everything is good so far- no suicidal thoughts, no depression, no self-harm, and also (as far as I can tell) no hypomania since my hospital stay. Which is great- it means my meds are working.

With that being said- today's therapy session surprised me. Here I've been feeling like I'm doing alright, and considering everything that's happened I'd say that I am. But I was surprised to realize that even though I feel okay day to day, deep down there's a lot of stuff going on. One thing my therapist pointed out that I'd never considered before was that I'm grieving my diagnosis. For a long time I was in denial. Now who knows where I am. And of course everything that happened has thrown my whole life up in the air. Am I going to go back to school and finish my degree? Am I going to go back to BYUI? Am I going to finish out at the U? Or am I just going to start working and making a living? Can I finish what I set out to do? And is it okay if I don't?  So many uncertainties.

Started at Sugarhouse and did Cemetery run. 7:51 average (yes I measured this one because I couldn't remember how far it was). My legs were heavy, but otherwise I felt good. I'll start out small with the two a days, maybe 2 a week? Idk I'll see how I feel. 

Today I went with Hattie for her workout, her soccer coach has been giving them workouts to do on their own each day because of the coronavirus. I'll be going with her for more of her running workouts. Today's was a 12 minute jog out one way, then pick up the pace and run back the same way in under 10 minutes. It was kind of fun, but I don't think Hattie enjoyed it haha. She said she needed to puke. Without breaks she did it in 9 minutes and one second (7:13 pace), with breaks it was 10 minutes and 32 seconds (8:26 pace). It made me want to run a mile time trial just to see where I'm at. Maybe another day haha. 

Afterward I went to Liberty Park and did 2 laps.

Wasatch loop. It was windy and my legs were tired.

Wasatch loop to the zoo. I felt surprisingly good! My legs felt great. Right when I turned the corner onto Sunnyside, another runner crossed the street to the side I was on. He was fumbling with his shirt, trying to get it on, it seemed like he'd just come from the zoo trail. Lots of runners and bikers go there. Anywho, he seemed to be a legit runner and in good shape. But he wasn't going too much faster than I was. From his stride I first thought it might be Patrick, I thought about yelling his name, but no as I got closer I knew it wasn't. I was glad I didn't call out to him then haha. We were probably going 7:15ish pace I would guess. From there I slowly tried to catch up to him, but he must've heard me or saw me because once we got to the top of the hill just before the post office his stride changed as he picked it up. Darn. I stayed maybe 20 meters back from him until Foothill, where he ran across the street while the light was yellow, I got caught at the light. Oh well, it was my time to turn anyway. It made for a bit of fun, I miss running with people. 

Shriner's run. I felt really good! This is the highest mile week I've had since I left SUU, since January 2019. It's weird that it's been that long since I've gone above 40 miles. It feels nice though to be running every day and getting into better shape.  

Turns out this loop is only 7.5 miles long, not 8. Whoops. Ah well, it's still decent. I took my watch with me, but it was my old green one. The buttons are touchy, harder to start and stop your run than the newer one I got from SUU. Unfotunately I need to get a new charger for my red/black one, it broke. So, the green one it is. Anyways, I must've not hit the button right when I started again at one of the lights because the distance was only 6.7 when I finished, I was like that's not right. I knew for a fact the shorter loop is 5.5, so the longer one had to be more than 1.2 longer. So I mapped it out online to see how far it actually is. A little disappointed that it's shorter than I thought, but it's only off by a half mile.

For the portion that my watch measured, I averaged 7:39.

AM: Wasatch loop

PM: Wasatch loop again. Didn't intend to go, just decided to. I had a lot on my mind and a run sounded like a nice way to clear it. 

Today marks one month out of the hospital. I seem to have buried a lot of my feelings and they came out in therapy yesterday, and then today were brought to the surface again. I guess that's what happens when you're forced to withdraw from school without knowledge of if you'll ever return, be hospitalized, be quarantined because of a pandemic, and say goodbye to the person you thought you were going to marry. And say hello to thousands of dollars of medical bills, woooo. What a crazy time.

In all reality I'm doing a lot better than a month ago. Sometimes I convince myself I'm all better so then when I realize I'm not, I have a lot to think about. Hence the second run. 

First 2.5 were with Hattie, she was supposed to get it under 22 minutes, we did it in 21:30 (8:36 average). Then I did VA loop on my own, 7:56 average. My legs were a bit heavy

Shriner's run, 7:58 average. It's still strange to see the University of Utah campus so deserted

I got a job offer today, which I'm happy about. It'll be my first full-time position

Wasatch loop. Turned 23 today, that's weird

Wasatch loop and added a little, I felt meh today

Wasatch loop

AM: Wasatch loop. I love the smell right after it rains. I start working at my new job tomorrow

PM: Wasatch loop to the zoo. Originally planned for shorter but felt really good, other than having had too much dinner. Tried out my new shoes, they feel amazing. Although apparently I kick the inside of my right calf a lot because it's rubbed raw... whoops. These shoes must be stiffer than my old ones lol

I'd originally planned on 8, but I was tired so I settled with the shorter loop. 

Shriners run. Felt good! A dog ran up to me at the roundabout and I couldn't see anybody to claim it. I was going to go knock on someone's door to see if it was theirs but then the dog ran down the street to someone mowing their lawn, I wasn't sure if they lived on that property or if they were just workers, but the dog hung around them for a while so I hope that's where he came from. It was a cute dog. Rolled my ankle pretty good in a pothole I didn't see, but it doesn't hurt so hopefully I didn't do any damage

Waited until after work to run, then was exhausted when I got home. Didn't end up running :(

5 with Olivia- to Sugarhouse, 2 laps around and back. Then I did VA loop on my own right after. 

Wasatch loop to the zoo. It was quite windy. My right hip flexor is really tight. 

VA loop then dropped down 500 S and did a lap in the cemetery

Wasatch loop to the zoo again. The last mile and a half my quads hurt. I'm really sore for some reason

I was feeling ambitious today, lol. Wasatch loop to the zoo then 2 miles up Emigration Canyon, dropped down and finished with the end of VA loop. 7:40 average

At one point in the run I thought, "I'll go for 14!" Then I hit 10 miles and I thought "nope." Haha my legs were dead, it's been a long time since I've done a run longer than 10 miles.

Out and back on Foothill. My legs were pretty sore

Wasatch loop + zoo. My legs were still a bit heavy but they felt a lot better than Saturday

Wasatch loop again. I could mix it up, but I like this route lol

Same as Monday

Shriner's run. It's getting toasty, might start running earlier in the mornings.

I'm adjusting medications again, each time I do it makes me nervous. But this time feels more controlled, I'm just increasing a dose and if it doesn't work well I can always drop to the one I'm currently at. I stopped taking a medication two weeks ago because I didn't like how it made me feel- extremely restless. But my mood seems to have dropped as a result, hence the change in dosage of the one that works well for me. The only worry is that I'll start seeing side effects from it. But we shall see. 

My motivation seems to be doing well, I started up running consistently again and have been running more than I have in a long time. I also searched, applied and started working a full-time job without any push to do so (unless you count medical bills as motivation lol). I'm still trying to figure out what my plans for the next year or two will be. My dad has suggested that maybe college isn't for me. Or that I could go to school part-time instead. Except that's what I was doing at BYUI while working part-time, and look where that got me. I want to graduate, except I don't know whether to continue forward with studying recreational therapy or exercise science/kinesiology. And from there, I don't know where to continue my studies. I could go back to SUU to study exercise science, I could finish studying recreational therapy at BYUI, or I could transfer to the U or UVU or somewhere in the valley that has either major. My dad likes the idea of my staying in the Wasatch front a lot better because I'll be close by the resources I need. My therapist agrees, she says there are no resources in Idaho- those who go to Pocatello are sent here. But it's not that far of a drive if I need services- either from Cedar or Rexburg. They're both just over 3hrs away.

I could just work full-time year round. Finally get my own place and hold a steady job.  But in Salt Lake where housing is outrageous? And for what? Without a degree I can hardly make much. And it wouldn't be in a field I'm passionate about. So... what do I do? Am I even capable of graduating? I've struggled so much in school the past two years and this past year was a complete waste of money, I'm no closer to graduating from BYUI than I am from SUU. Do I throw in the towel and say school's just not for me and save myself the time and trouble, or do I go after what I want even though there's the very real possibility that I'll fail at it? My parents don't want yet another repeat of the year ending with me in the hospital. How do I know that this is the last time? How do I know that I've finally got things figured out, that I'm properly treated for my illness? Do I have enough confidence in myself to continue placing emphasis on my mental health before all else and making sure that I take my meds, go to therapy and utilize the resources available to me? And how can I believe in myself enough to accomplish what I set out to do when those closest to me are doubting my abilities?

Wasatch loop + zoo

Out and back on Foothill. I was going to go for longer, but... tbh I was exhausted and not really feeling it. Plus it was already 90 out, felt like a furnace. Next week I'm definitely going earlier in the mornings, if my work schedule allows for it

Wasatch loop

Wasatch loop plus a little more

Started out with Shriner's then went down memory grove and up south temple. It was in the middle of the day so I was beat and ready to be done once I got to 1300 E. I had a good 2.5+ miles left to run before I'd be home, so in the dreaded heat I accepted defeat and called my mom, who sent my dad to pick me up lol. Afterwards I was trying to justify eating a ton of pickles, told my dad that it restores the sodium lost through sweat but my dad says it's not healthy because of the vinegar but hey electrolytes are electrolytes. I believe it's pickle juice that's better for that but meh pickles are crunchy and delicious

Wasatch loop

Today was an AM shift, right after a PM shift last night so I wasn't able to slip in a run this morning. After work (got off at 3) I went on a hike (the Living Room), then decided to do VA loop at like 9 PM. I wasn't originally going to go, I have lost motivation this week. But I needed to run out some emotions, it was somewhat effective

Wasatch loop + zoo. Felt good to get out and run.

This weekend something happened that was a trigger, started the depression spiral. I'm working to put a stop to it and turn things around. I've never been able to before, but I've never really recognized the spiral for what it was before I was already deeply depressed. I think my meds have helped stop me from dropping so low so fast. Or maybe just in general. So, I choose today to do the things that I know keep me healthy and happy and stop allowing myself to spiral, as much as is in my control. There's a sense of comfort and familiarity in being depressed and part of me just wants to let go and live there, odd as it sounds. I mean, I've been depressed for 11 years... it's what I know. But I'm here today not to move backwards, but to move forwards. Rather than stop taking my meds (as has crossed my mind a few times), rather than self-harming, I can choose to move forward, keep up with running, go to work, and hope that the future holds good things.

As my therapist said, we want to keep me going on the path to self-love, and not fall back on the path of self-hate. 

Things I'm proud of myself for doing today:

1) Going running - it was tempting not to, but I knew I'd feel better if I went. I'm thankful for a healthy outlet that is so enjoyable to me.

2) Getting through work- this week is especially stressful. While I didn't get everything done I was supposed to, I was also doing twice the work since I was over two stations. It's a crazy week for everyone. 

Wasatch loop

Decided last minute to go up to our family cabin with my mom and sisters, I had work off for the rest of the weekend so it worked out. T'was a good time! Ran 2 laps around the island

Wasatch loop, felt really good surprisingly

Wasatch loop + zoo

Started with Shriners run then took 11th Ave down through memory grove, south temple back up to 1300 E and 900 S back home. Felt alright, not stellar but not terrible. The cooler temperature felt really nice. I didn't bring my watch but kinda regret it, I might start trying to get into the habit of bringing it with me again. I did have my phone with me so I used the Nike run app to get the distance starting from the 4 mile mark (usually where I turn around on Shriners run- up on 11th Ave at the stop sign just past the fire station). The last 8 miles averaged out at 7:56. I was just running at an easy pace, maybe one of these days I'll start actually training and doing both quicker runs and longer runs each week, idk. 

Honestly can't remember if I ran today

Same with this day... maybe I should start bringing my watch so I don't have to wrack my brains trying to remember. This brain doesn't remember much these days. 

Wasatch loop

Wasatch loop + zoo. I love night runs. This was after a long day of work and running just felt so good. Except, a pain in my right ankle/foot. It was hurting on Saturday as well, but not enough to be a major concern. But today, when I got up on Wasatch (about 3, 3.5 miles in) it started hurting so bad I had to stop. I wondered if it was because I tied my laces too tight, so I loosened them even though they were already fairly loose. That did away with most of the pain. And I was stubborn and wanted to run so I continued with the longer loop. Once I took my shoe off at home it didn't hurt at all, even when I palpated it. Well it only hurt slightly. Hmmm.... Idk what it could be, wish I was an athletic trainer so I'd know lol

Hiked the Living Room trail this morning. Opted not to run to give my foot some rest.

Today I ran with Olivia, she's training for a marathon. She's following a training plan her uncle created, and today was a mile warmup, 2 miles in 18:00, and a mile cool down. We did it in 18:20. 

I would've gone for more afterwards, but my foot was hurting. Not severely, but still above a 6 on a scale from 1-10. I decided to rest it. I'm leaving for Island Park tomorrow, so I might just take the rest of the week off as well to give it time to heal. It might just be a bruise from tight shoe laces, or it might be something more than that, but I want to play it safe. 

Olivia invited me to run the St. George marathon with her and her family. I'm seriously considering it. I was just thinking I wanted to train for something, then here comes this opportunity! But I'm going to sit on it for a little bit, I think I'm manic right now so I don't want to be impulsive.

Wasatch loop. Felt the time off. I was still a bit sore from wakeboarding this past weekend. My foot was fine up until 2 miles in, then it gradually worsened. At the end it was worrying me. As soon as I stopped and took off my shoe at home it was fine. It doesn't hurt unless I'm running. Weird? Idk what to do

Took today off to rest my foot some more

Wasatch loop. My foot didn't hurt at all! I kept expecting it to but it never did. Felt good, pushed the pace a little bit. It was hot

Wasatch loop

VA loop

Out and back on Foothill

Out and back on Foothill

Wasatch

You guessed it- Wasatch loop :) haha. I was thinking about going the longer loop, but it was so dang hot. I did push the pace though, I just didn't wear a watch so idk what that pace was... lol. I need to get a new charger for mine. Maybe I'll order one now. 

Wasatch extended loop @ night, a little sketch by the golf course after dark but 'twas a good run. Felt nice in the cooler temps

Today some SUU friends and I held a baby shower for Maddy. They're all also past teammates, lol. It was really good to see all of them. They asked if I was still running and I said no not really. But then I realized I still kind of am, wait what? Didn't realize that was such a complicated question haha, but hey there are differing definitions of running. I'm no longer competitively running. There, that's it. Lol

Wasatch loop :)

Wasatch extended

Looks like I'll be clocking in some overtime hours at work this week, booya 

Shriners run

VA loop, my watch charger finally came so tonight was the first time in a long time I wore it. I was going slower than I thought so I picked it up in the second half. Averaged 7:52. 

Last night Olivia texted me and asked if I wanted to run 11 miles, I said heck yeah! So it was me, Olivia, Clara, Ellie, and Lindsey. We did Shriner's to memory grove then took 200 E to 900 S to Liberty Park. Clara got picked up at the bottom of memory grove because she had a work call, and from there we started to spread out. Lindsey and I gapped Ellie and Olivia a bit but we regrouped at Liberty. Our original plan was to call someone to come pick us up at 11 miles, but it was shorter than expected and we decided to run the full way back, which included the dreaded 1300 S hill. 1300 S is where we got separated again, Ellie and I this time leading. We completely lost sight of Olivia and Lindsey so we just went to finish, then found out that they had gotten ahold of Lindsey's roommate and were picked up :) lol

To be completely honest, I have to slow down to run with them, but I like doing so. I miss running with friends :) At the end I found slowing down though was harder than going a normal pace. I kind of felt bad for not keeping the group together, but I still stayed with whoever came with me, whether that was Ellie or Lindsey.

I registered for the St. George marathon! Do any experienced marathoners have tips for training? This will be my first time running one. I have just over 2 months to train. 

Wasatch loop and added a little

Wasatch extended

Wasatch loop after sunset. It was still quite warm

Pipeline from elbow fork to the overlook and back. Added up the canyon a ways. The switchbacks are tough if you do them at mile 1, at mile 12 they're just a hill with seemingly no end. Seriously, get done with one and it sort of flattens out giving you false hope, then comes another hill. It was only my knowledge that there was a good chunk of flat trail between the hills and the road that kept me sane. Haha jk. I may have definitely walked the last of them (oops). 13 miles was my "I'm ready to be done" point. Getting nervous for the upcoming long runs over the next few weeks. I feel really slow, and I am going really slow (9:00 pace), but I'm getting in the miles. Not sure if I should have a goal time for the marathon or not since, to be honest, just finishing it will be an accomplishment. But is under 4 hrs a reasonable goal? I worry that I won't even be able to hit that lol, I'm not in great shape

First ever solo 15 miler

VA loop. This is the sorest I've been since I left SUU (out of shape much?) lol it was hard to walk this morning not gonna lie. Feels like fourth day of effort during SUU track season sore. But hey it feels kind of good to be training for something again

Wasatch loop. It was quite windy. I'm still sore, but not as much as yesterday. Legs felt heavy

Ran over to the East track and decided to throw in a couple reps. Did 1x800 and 3x400 at 2:55, 84, 84, 83. Then ran home. It was hot and windy, and I had to swing out to lanes 2 or 3 a couple times because of the football team practicing but it was refreshing to do a quick workout

7 with Olivia. Olivia is seriously the kindest, most good-hearted person you'll meet. Much of today's run reminded me of that fact.

Wasatch extended from my grandparents house

Out and back from my grandparents house (I'm house and kitty sitting for them this weekend, they're at my cabin with my parents and sisters, as well as other extended family). 

I run Wasatch so much, thought it was about time to run the rest of it :) took Foothill to the bike trail and connected to Wasatch on the other side of Parley's canyon. Boy it was windy this morning, especially by parley's. Just did an out and back, though I'd originally planned on going 15 today. I was feeling good so I went out an extra mile. My turnaround point was almost exactly the corner where Wasatch turns down and meets up with 6200 S

I was running at an easy pace- 8:17 average. My half marathon split was 1:47:17. That surprised me. I thought I was going slower

Modified Wasatch

Wasatch extended

Found out that two of my uncles will be running the St. George marathon too!

Wasatch loop

I've decided to stay in Salt Lake for the next semester so that I can continue to work on my health. I'll continue working full-time mostly to pay off my medical bills so that I'm not in so much debt. I will re-evaluate as it gets closer to January and decide if I will start school back up then or if I'll take a full year off.

This has been a hard decision to make, but I hope it's finally the right one.

As an update: For any who don't know, I was hospitalized in March for severe suicidal ideation. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder and had been experiencing a mixed episode of hypomania and depression- which meant a combination of suicidal ideation and impulsivity. To be honest, it's really lucky I didn't attempt. I came close to it 3 times, wrote a suicide note, had been self-harming, and didn't want any professional help even though I knew not receiving any was a death sentence.

My boyfriend called my parents because he was scared I was going to attempt that very night. They drove up to Rexburg without me knowing and that night moved me out of my apartment and took me to UNI in Salt Lake.

We broke up a week later- particularly difficult because he'd all but proposed- I had tried on the ring and it wasn't a matter of if but when

Oh, and the COVID-19 chaos. That's been fun.

It really has taken all of me to fight for a reason to live.

So, what they don't tell you about depression and suicidal ideation is it doesn't just "go away." The hospital is only the beginning of recovery. And there's always the very real possibility that you could slip back. This year is a prime example of that for me (I was also hospitalized last year around the same time for the same reasons).

Much of it is finding the right medication. I've been adjusting medications ever since I've been out of the hospital, hoping to find that sweet spot. I added another one just barely, in fact, because I'm still alternating between hypomania and depression. Right now I'm in a depressive episode. A couple weeks ago it was hypomania, during which I impulsively signed a contract that I'm now trying to get out of. Just one of the downfalls of being bipolar- I'm still trying to learn how and when to hold myself back from impulsive decisions. It's very hard to do when you're manic.

I took a screening last week with my therapist, which said that I was moderately depressed. So definite improvement from a few months ago, but not quite to where we want it.

I've been working through a trauma from circa 2015 with my therapist, which may have triggered the switch from hypomania to depression. She told me that traumas can cause suicidal ideation on their own, not just mental illnesses, and she believes I've been carrying it around all these years. The trauma therapy seems to be helping. I've thought about sharing what happened, but 1) I don't think people care and 2) sharing it seems frightening because it's pretty damaging information for those who know the person.

Anyways, long (kinda heavy) explanation for an update, but things are looking up.

Foothill to Wasatch out and back. Didn't feel stellar, right off the bat my legs were heavy but I convinced myself I'd feel better a couple miles in. That was kind of true, 5 miles in I felt decent. 6 miles in I was suuuper hungry and thought maybe I should've eaten something more sustainable than toast before I left. 12 miles and boy it was getting hard. My legs felt like weights. The last 4 miles hurt and at that point it was just trying to finish, but also get home before 8 am because I had an appointment. I finished 10 miles before the sun even rose :)

My pace was much slower than last week, but I'm still happy with it. I averaged 8:32. This is the longest run I've ever done all at once. Hopefully next week's long run will feel a lot better.

Half marathon split: 1:52:08

Rest (it was unintentional, just procrastinated running until after work then after work I was exhausted and dreading it so I just didn't go running)

Wasatch. Wishing I'd have gone farther, I was short on time.

2 miles warmup, stretches and 3 strides. 8x 400m with 200m recovery, which meant switching start lines. The wind was quite strong, so it shifted whether I'd start out or end against the wind. It was also 93 degrees. Better than in the 100s, my first thought when I got off work was huh, it's not unbearably hot.

My goal was to hit them at 90 seconds. I wanted to be realistic with my goal. I'm not in the same shape I was in while I was running for SUU, so I didn't want to get disheartened by hoping to hit 82s like I used to be able to tick off like nothing and then really struggle to do so, probably not even being able to. 90s felt reasonable, like that was my new "tick off like nothing" pace. I was even apprehensive about that being the case to be perfectly honest.

I was pleasantly surprised with what I ended up running. 85, 87, 84, 87, 86, 86, 86, 83. Averages out to 85.5.

I know that I'm training for a marathon and speed doesn't really matter. I don't really know why I chose 400s, I don't think they'll help much training wise. I just wanted to do them haha.

I really need to come up with some sort of training plan to follow. It's a lot harder to train by yourself than it is with a group of other people.

2 miles cool down

AM: VA loop- 4 miles.

PM: Wasatch loop. 1.6 miles into it I decided randomly to turn it into a tempo type run. 2x1 mile tempo, goal was under 7:00 for each. It was not flat- the first one had a decently sized hill. The second had a couple small ones. But I was happy with what I hit- 6:58, 6:49. With a quarter mile jog in between.

My cousin's person of interest (can't call him boyfriend now that he's a missionary lol) was temporarily reassigned to MY MISSION (a blessing from COVID-19). Apparently that's where he's said he'd go long before he put his papers in. My mind is blown right now, and also, I miss my mission. Right now he's in Kansas City, if he ever makes it to the areas I served in I might cry with happiness. Crazy too because I was literally just talking to him middle of June telling him about my mission and now he's there like what

So... the 2020 St. George marathon was cancelled today :( I was so excited for it. Can't say I didn't half expect it to happen, but all the same I'm disappointed.

Which brings me to... what now? I've enjoyed starting to train for something again. I have missed the excitement of running faster or farther than I have in a long time. I created a tentative training plan yesterday for the next 8 weeks and I was excited to go for it. I was going to increase weekly mileage, keep the long run around 18 miles for a minute, then increase it to 20, 21 or 22 at my peak (while also hitting my peak weekly mileage for the training block). My max was going to be 75 miles a week, something I haven't done since high school.

Maybe I'll still go for it. Maybe I'll just do a solo marathon when I've gotten a solid base under me. But idk, I know that's a lot to do alone. Maybe I could arrange it with a couple teammates to come do portions of it with me :) lol

Shriner's run

I might be starting up a new job soon, I have an interview for it today. I have to make the decision to either stop working my current job completely or drop down to part-time, if possible. Which would look like 4 10 hour days at one job, 2 varying hour days at another. If it all works out. We'll see what happens.

Wasatch loop. My legs were a bit heavy

I accepted the job! The nice sir that hired me said that for the first two weeks I'll be sore, that no matter my fitness level I'll be using muscles I don't normally use. I'll be waiting on a background check to come back, but as soon as it does I can do one full day of training and then officially start after that.

This is a $3.5/hr higher paying job than the one I currently have with the possibility for bonuses- including a $50 call-in bonus if I come in on my day off, and it's one I'm more qualified for. It is a job that seems well suited to me. I'm excited to start.

Wasatch + VA loop down to 1300 E and took 1300 S back, added along 1700 E a ways to get to 10.

I'm going canyoneering in Escalante and we leave at 3am- so no running for tomorrow. 

Wasatch loop. Tripped at the very end on a bump in the sidewalk I couldn't see because of the dark. Added a good cut to the collection I got over the weekend from canyoneering, lol

Speaking of canyoneering... it was my first time. I have a decent fear of heights but I decided to brave it and go anyways. I was scared much of the time but it really was a lot of fun, and in such a beautiful place. I will say, though, I was terrified when the sun was setting and it was getting hard to see and we were still in the canyon trying to get back up to the desert floor. Rather than following the map like normal, we literally climbed the face of the mountain so we could be up at the top before it was pitch black outside. It didn't do any favors for my fear of heights. At one point Ruthie told me not to look down and like an idiot... I looked down. There was a 200 ft+ drop right below me, and I had to make a very sketchy climb up about 10 meters, which if I didn't have enough traction on the rock I'd slip and fall off that cliff. I prayed "please God don't let me die today" and I'm still here so He really came in clutch this weekend #blessed. Other than that though it was a blast

Today I decided to mix it up. I went over to Sugarhouse park and did a lap, then along 1300 E out and back taking 1700 S back home.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the trauma I endured 5 years ago (I've been working through it in therapy recently, something that probably should've happened a long time ago). Now that I'm working through it in therapy, I naturally want to share what happened and find my voice. But what do you do when sharing such information can damage someone's reputation and, because they are mentally unstable (someone who does what he did must be) and unpredictable, what if it places me in danger? But at the same time, speaking out about it could help protect other young girls. Do I leave it as is and continue on with my life leaving that in the past, or do I speak out for those who haven't yet found their voice, or who think they're alone? I know for a fact I'm not the only girl that has had an incident with him, both of the other girls transferred high schools. I don't think anyone's ever went as far as mine did, though.

The problem is that if I share it publicly, people I know also know him. I'd reckon several on this blog know him, or of him. Do I have an obligation to keep quiet about it because it doesn't just involve my personal experience, but those of others? I have to think about his family, friends, people who care about him. And even him, this information leaked would destroy him. And I don't know if I'm capable of doing that- I've already felt like enough of this was my fault even though I know it's not, but that guilt could follow me around for years.

It has already been reported to DCFS. My therapist was required to report it, so that if something were to happen in the future either with me or another girl, it would be on file and could back up any claims. I also know he was fired from East High a year or so after I graduated, though I don't know why. So really, all action that can be taken has been. Or so I believe, I really don't know. My therapist is convinced I'm not the only one either. She told me Monday that the DCFS worker was shocked by this case. It is pretty crazy if I think of it from an outsiders perspective. And even more crazy that it happened to me, in my neighborhood, in my high school. You hear of it happening to others. But you never expect it to happen to yourself. 

Had an all-day training for my new job today. I'll be going down to part-time with my current job, full-time with my new one. I'm gonna be busy but it pays off the medical bills quicker.

I'm considering transferring to the U of U or UVU. Depending on how finances are looking in January that'll determine when I start. I came to the realization that I only wanted to go back to BYUI so that I could have a second chance to prove what I'm capable of and be back with my friends. I was ignoring the fact that I have a serious illness that requires treatment, and the best treatment for it is here in Salt Lake. There is nothing for it in Idaho. So considering that and the fact that in all reality, I really didn't love BYUI, I'm not going back.

I know it's taking me forever to get through school, but I'm also starting to understand there's no rush. It's only me putting the pressure on myself to finish quicker, and I've had a crap ton of setbacks. I may take the last class I need for an Associate's Spring semester online through SUU, and keep my full-time job. Then next fall potentially (most likely) I will start working towards my bachelors at a University in the valley. That is my plan for right now. 

Foothill out and back

Out and back

Foothill out and back

One of my favorite bands drops their new album on Friday! I'm so excited. They're less well-known but their music has helped me through some tough times. They're called the Score :)

Wasatch loop

I was just informed that mine was not the only incident at East High. While mine revolved around track and cross country, others involved debate and other extra curricular activities, and these others were (I'm told) worse than mine. Coincidence? Or is there something culturally or systemically wrong with East High?

I know I have an opportunity to make a change, and I want to do it. Either through volunteering or bringing awareness to the community. I could potentially take this information to the school board. I just would have to do lots of research so I have enough information, and figure out what I want to have happen because of it. I could start something like the bullying campaign in schools, that is to inform and address the issue. Ultimately I want to educate these young people so they are better able to get out of something and report it before it goes too far. Most people don't even know what grooming is (in reference to abuse). In my case, I didn't know if I should report it or even how to report it.

To inform those who are wondering, I was groomed, sexually harassed, stalked, and gaslit by my high school cross country and track coach. I have heard things from other teammates that suggest he sexually harassed other girls as well. I am thinking about digging deeper and asking more teammates to see if this is more widespread.

I looked back to my blog posts from around the time this happened and find it ironic that through it all, I still looked at him in such a significant positive light. But that's grooming for you. It was actually because of this that I didn't want to report him at all. 

Wasatch loop

What a day. I didn't end up running. I could've, I got off work earlier than expected, but then I ate a late dinner and then didn't feel like going out. But that's okay, I was pretty worn out from work.

This morning before work I met up with one of my high school friends/teammates. She said a lot of things that I thought were worth noting in regards to my high school coach:

-Coaches from other teams noticed and were alarmed by some of the things he was doing (she transferred high schools)

-Her mom was warned against our coach, which solidified their decision to move (ensuring she was no longer in East boundaries).

-Her mom had reported him to the principal on multiple occasions but was always told that unless "something else happens" they wouldn't fire him. I guess because it was such a low-paying position they didn't know who else would take his place, so they kept him despite multiple reports (not just from her mom, but other parents). 

Honestly, it angers me. How much of my own situation could've been avoided if those reports were taken seriously? I couldn't be mad before because I never reported anything, but to find out there were multiple reports and no action taken- do we really have to wait until someone undergoes significant trauma before we can take action? Why not prevent it before it happens? Since when is keeping predators on staff because of the threat of not filling the position more important than the safety of children?

Here's where I usually say "but it's okay," but this time, it's really not.

I've done a lot of thinking. I do want to share what happened 5 years ago. Running the risk that people won't believe me, I'm going to tell my truth. Everything I say is the truth.

I was groomed, sexually harassed, manipulated, gaslit and stalked by my high school coach.

I was 14 when I met him, which is likely when the grooming started. It is for that reason my therapist says this was considered child abuse and needed to be reported to DCFS. She also said it is probable that he groomed other children, as most of the time that is the case.

For me, the grooming was rather intense. I was brought between him and his wife, stalked, and not so subtly pushed towards being in a relationship with him. When it was clear I was never going to be interested, he made me promise that we would stay "forever friends," which he reminded me of and asked for reassurance about almost everyday thereafter, all the while trying to convince me that age gaps in relationships don't matter "if you really love each other." To put it into perspective, he was in his 50s.

He once asked me what my biological name used to be (I was adopted), then before I could tell him, he blurted it out. He then told me not to tell my parents.

He had another job and during one summer (the summer before I left for college) he was working on a neighbor's house. He would sit outside in his car, wait for me to get home from work as witnessed by my dad, sometimes confront me and sometimes only watch me. That summer I never felt safe walking out onto my front porch.

The stalking continued even into my freshman year of college. He once followed me out to a meet in Minnesota (I'd gone with my college team), with the excuse that one of my high school teammates needed more competition- but we'd never travelled east for high school meets before. He was also wearing an SUU shirt when he surprised me with his presence, saying it was his "lucky race day shirt" because my high school teammate had won every race he wore the shirt at (which had been all of them that season up to that point). He literally could've cared less about SUU until I signed with them. There were many more inappropriate instances. The only reason I put up with what was going on was because I was convinced I needed him in order to be a fast runner.

I was never sexually assaulted, though I most certainly was scared that he'd take it too far one day. I would take measures to ensure I was never alone with him, and yet he always seemed to find his way around them.

When I started skipping out on practices, he used strong manipulation to guilt me into coming back. He would emotionally abuse me at practice by calling out my efforts to distance myself from him in front of other teammates. He also said many jokes that were of a sexual nature.

He would often give us rides to and from practice, which was against a rule at the high school. He said that he was okay doing it because his son was on the team and he would act as a parent at those points. Except he kept giving us rides after his son had graduated. This is what led to many instances of me being alone with him in a car (I didn't get my license until I was 18- I was a late bloomer lol). It was during one of these that he touched me- first on the back of the neck, next on my thigh, and I was genuinely terrified that he might attempt a sexual assault. Thankfully, he didn't.

My therapist said that he raped me in all senses except for physical. It is termed emotional rape. Sexual rape was the only step left in the grooming process.

The effects of the abuse have lingered even into today. I still find myself worrying about what he's going to do if he finds out I spoke out against him. It was very much a pattern that he'd find some way to explain any of his bad behavior to others and I'd be left questioning myself, defeated. I don't want this to go that way so I'm going to try really, really hard to stand my ground and keep on telling my story. While I don't want to cause harm to anyone including him, I do feel as though not talking about it could allow him to get away with what he did and continue to do it to other unsuspecting girls. 

There is much more to the story, so many more details. But for the purposes of this blog, I've tried to keep it short and to the point. 

Wasatch extended

Lots to say today:

1) The Score's new album is AMAZING (one of my coworkers is also a fan of this band, not many people know about them unfortunately but I saw them in concert in 2017 and I showed him the picture I had with them today and it was hilarious cause he was dying. Tbh they're one of my favorite bands and I'm so glad I found them while they're not as famous, they have the potential to be big one day and are getting big slowly but surely. Their music is in a lot of trailers. I FOUND THEM FIRST lol

2) I finally have a neurology appointment set for Wednesday... it was a surprise when they called because I'd literally just been thinking when are they going to start seeing people, and when will I get in? I've been on the waitlist since February. It's a virtual appointment so I'm guessing this is just a describe what's been going on kind of an appointment then if needed a second appointment will get set up for me to come in person. When I think about it too seriously I get really nervous, because what if I have a major disease? I do want answers, but at the same time... I already have a tough diagnosis of bipolar II disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, and major depressive disorder. Can I handle another one? But let's be honest it's probably just my fetal alcohol syndrome. In any case it'll be good to get checked out and know once and for all.

3) Saturday marks 5 months out of the hospital. It doesn't feel like it's been that long. It feels like 2. But it's cool to look back at the progress I've made since then. These past 6 months have been some of the hardest months of my life- coming back from wanting to die every day is no easy task. But I'm proud of where I am now, which wouldn't have happened if I hadn't decided to try to get better. I could've been my stubborn self and done everything in my power to die and I'm sure I would've succeeded, but I decided to take the harder route and live. And I think that's something I should be proud of, because now I get to live and have experiences I would've missed out on if I'd decided to pass on.

Original plan was to go to the East high track, but football was there and I didn't feel like running laps around them. So I went to Liberty park instead.

I did a wood chip lap warmup then stretched and did a stride or two. I did a mile hard starting at the white line 1 mile mark along 700 E (we started here in high school whenever we did tempos and tbh I don't know which start line is the correct start for this set of painted marks) and went to the 2 mile mark. It was windy and popping with people. Made it hard to be weaving in and out whilst trying to remain 6 ft away from everybody. I probably picked a bad time to go to Liberty.

I hit 6:01. It wasn't all out but it didn't exactly feel easy either. I was happy with it though, surprised a little by it. I was going for 6:15. Maybe one day soon I'll attempt for a sub-6:00, ideally on a track next time. As for accuracy, I went off my garmin's beep. I'd say it was accurate give or take 2 seconds. Did this because of all the weaving in and out and the fact that I couldn't see where the two mile marker was as I crossed it (whoops)

Did another lap then finished cooling down out and back on 700 E

At my neurology appointment today he ordered a bunch of labs and also a neuropsych exam, which he said I probably won't get in for about a month since there are only a few of the specialists that perform these exams. It's 3-4 hours of testing and he said it can be kind of frustrating for the patient because they tailor the test to where your weaknesses are so they can really examine them. Sooo that'll be fun.

The labs are to rule out infections that can cause memory loss, though he expects them to come back negative. It's just to be sure, because why go through all this expensive testing if it's something simple? After the neuropsych exam we'll reevaluate and determine if an MRI is needed.

I also had a psychiatry appointment this morning and she ordered labs too. So I decided to knock them all out at once cause why be pricked more than once if you don't have to? It was a lot of blood.

She said that my creatinine was slightly elevated but everything else on my last labs was good regarding kidney function so she's not worried about it, but these labs today are just to be sure. We may have to readjust medications again in a month, but for now they're staying the same. Which is good because they've been helping a lot.

I was planning on running after work today, but a 9 hour shift turned into a 12 hour shift and I had a huge mishap with my car keys, didn't end up getting home until midnight. At that point I was just done with the day lol. At least I get overtime pay #blessed

Wasatch loop

Wasatch loop. 

My sister Hattie carpooled with one of her teammates to a soccer practice and her teammate's dad who drove them tested positive for COVID. He'd been tested earlier that day as a precaution for family coming to town and didn't expect a positive result (it didn't come back until the next day). Hattie was going to get tested today, but after looking at the state website we learned you should get tested 5-7 days after potential exposure. 5 days is tomorrow. So now we have to wait another day.

I really hope she doesn't have it. She was complaining of a sore throat but my mom had a cold, so we're hoping it's just a cold.

Crazy winds here in northern Utah. Trees have been uprooted, many power outages as well. Power lines downed. I'm going to opt for no running today unless the wind dies down later tonight after work. 

Jk the power is out at work so unless it comes back on I have the day off

It was snowing earlier today. Yesterday it was in the 90s.

A third player on Hattie's team we found out just barely has been exposed to COVID.

What a crazy day. 

I later did go running when the wind died down a little. Sooo many downed trees. Massive ones at that. Tree after tree after tree. In the street, on houses, everywhere. My neighbor's tree across the street from us split down the middle vertically and all our neighbors helped them cut it down before it fell on their house or a person. Sad to see such beautiful trees fall down.

Hattie tested negative :)

I hate that I've been so inconsistent with running... I've been so busy. Today I went running at 10pm because I can. The rest of the day I was booked.

Currently debating whether a job is more valued for higher pay or for fulfillment and experience... do I take the (much) lower paying job and learn once and for all if physical therapy is something I'm interested in making into a career, while also building up experience (and letters of recommendation) for later on if I were to try to get into a physical therapy school? Or do I continue in my dead-end jobs that I'm only working for the higher pay to save up money to pay off my medical bills and eventually go back to school?

Wasatch loop. I didn't mean to go a week without running, it just happened. Working two jobs, one of them full-time the other part-time, has made me really busy. I will be changing something around sometime soon, I just have to figure some things out first.

Out and back on Foothill

Unfortunately no running yesterday or today, and it'll be REALLY hard to squeeze in a run tomorrow :( in a couple weeks my schedule will open up a little which will allow me time to run.

I got the job!! I wasn't sure I would. I'm actually really excited, Physical Therapy is a field that relates to what I was majoring in and is something I'm interested in going into as a career. I start training tomorrow. I also work my 10 hour shift tomorrow at my current job. Tomorrow's going to be a long day.

On top of the physical therapy job I will also be working a temporary job for the University of Utah helping with research and testing for COVID.

Seeing as I got the job, I put in my two weeks today, but now I feel bad for my supervisor. He said I was the third one today to resign. Oops.

Who doesn't love a spontaneous half marathon? ...almost. That was the goal. 

Ashley asked me yesterday at work (my first day) if I wanted to run a half marathon this morning with her and 2 other friends. I said sure! Very early morning but that worked in my favor because I had work in the later morning (my current job- finishing out the two weeks notice). I was nervous because of having hardly run for the last month. But I decided to go for it anyways.

It was so nice to run with people. All of us were ex- college runners. Repping SUU and Utah State.

To begin with we had a mutual agreement to go 9:00 pace. We were all nervous about it. That's what we did- we averaged 8:57. 

I felt a lot better than I expected, until the end. About 5 miles in my gut started feeling a little upset, so I was worried about how it would feel later in the run, but it was okay. A bathroom break at mile 7 and I was good. Around mile 9 I started to develop a blister on my right foot middle toe. Mile 10 and it was incredibly painful, probably popped around mile 11 because shortly after the pain subsided a little. Still hurt, but dwarfed by newly developed hip pain, probably from adjusting my stride due to the pain in my toe. 11.5 miles and I was hurting, bad. I didn't know if I could finish another 1.6 miles, that's how bad it was. 12 miles and we were almost there, I started falling behind the group because at that point I was just trying not to stop. They slowed down for me. We hit the parking lot (our pickup spot) at about 12.25 miles. I was fighting so hard to keep going. I wanted to just grit it out and finish. But at 12.5 my hip pain was just too much and I called it quits.

I was very disappointed that I didn't finish. But I got close. Even though listening to my body wasn't on my mind at the time, I'm also glad I didn't finish. Another .6 may have only added to the injury. I probably should've stopped sooner, but there was pressure to keep up because I would have to travel the distance anyway- walk or run- since we were getting picked up. Luckily the lot came sooner than 13.1. And you know, for not running much in the last month, I'm happy with it. I know I'm capable of a lot better as evidenced by my longer runs/ half marathon splits a while back. But for it to be a spontaneous thing and being very ill prepared for it, I'd say it was a success. 

Ashley set my hips at the end cause she knows how to, it gave a big pop. They were off by a lot. Blister was pretty knarly, I'm surprised it doesn't hurt more.

It probably wasn't wise to hop into this. I hope my hip will be okay. Even so, it was fun until the last 3 miles. I'm still glad I went. I'm hoping to start having more consistency with running here soon. 

VA loop. My hip was a little stiff, but otherwise okay. I picked it up the last two miles and hovered around 7 minute pace. Felt good.

This week is going to be all sorts of busy. I'm moving out to Riverton this week. I'm moving in with my grandparents because my parents are remodeling their basement, so it's just easier if I'm out. Maybe once my medical bills are paid off I can start living on my own, or go back to school. But that won't be for a while, health is expensive. Anyways, I'm also working 3 jobs this week as I transition between jobs. I'll be working 60 hours.

Started with Wasatch loop but cut down Kensington Ave because my blisters were killing again. I don't know what's up but they've been hurting all day. I wonder if they're infected or if it's because they were rubbed raw.

Quite honestly I probably ran over a mile today for work. Got  around 130 stops completed by 8:45. No time today to go for a legitimate run. There won't be any tomorrow either, I'll be working from 5:45am-9pm. 

So this week will be interesting as I start up my second new job and finish out my last days at my other jobs this week (tomorrow and wednesday). I'll actually have time on my hands.

Last week in therapy, I had a very startling revelation. I opened up about the abuse I endured as an infant (I don't remember it, just what my mom has told me). My therapist said that from what she knows about sexual abuse, it's very likely I was sexually abused. It was confirmed my biological sister was, and my therapist said that if she was, most likely I was as well.

We did ART therapy (a type of trauma therapy) for both that and the trauma with my coach. I was diagnosed with PTSD a couple months back, and I've been having flashbacks/hallucinations. The past week has been okay. But leading up to it not so much. So I think the ART therapy helped.

Today my therapist pointed out that I was dissociating, something I honestly didn't know was a thing. Dissociation is a trauma response. Today we practiced staying in the present moment rather than dissociating while talking about high emotion things. It was incredibly difficult, but crazy cool because my therapist knew when I was dissociating just by observing body language. I could actually feel it when it was happening too in my frontal lobe/forehead area, the strangest sensation when you're actually noticing it for the first time.

Therapy is really cool, and well, therapeutic. I feel like it's helped me so much.

Right as I got home from my run I got a call from U of U neurology. I now have a date set for my neuropsych testing- November 12. So that's good news.

Out and back on Foothill.

Wasatch loop

Wasatch loop. My car died today. It's currently in the shop. Just glad it didn't die on me on the freeway

My therapist has wanted me to start tracking my mood, so last week was my first week of that. Based on what I've recorded so far she thinks I could be a rapid cycler, but more data points will tell. I was both hypomanic (Tuesday) and depressed (Thursday) at different points last week. Yesterday I stabilized. There was also one day I missed taking my meds (Wednesday), the first time in weeks. We think it was a symptom of depression because I didn't have the willpower to get out of bed and take them. But could also be a symptom of hypomania because I had the thought run through my head: "I'll be fine without them, it's just one day" which is a very hypomanic way of thinking. Eh. That was the day I was just coming off of hypomania but recorded being mildly depressed. I think it's good I'm keeping track of these things now.

We also talked about how sleep and what you eat/when/how often can also affect cycling. I just switched my sleep schedule when I switched jobs, so my circadian rhythm is all off. 

Apparently I need to eat more protein. I guess it can help stabilize moods.

Out and back on Foothill. Next week I'm going to make it my goal to go running every day, even if it's only for 3 miles like today.

Last night I went up with some friends to a friend's cabin just past Oakley, UT. It was a blast! However my insomnia was terrible and I forgot my meds, so I was literally up all night. I'd been up at 4:30am yesterday morning for work and hadn't slept at all since then. So I crashed this morning at 10am for 2 hours when I got home. 

Wasatch loop

It turned to winter overnight. It snowed yesterday and was still below freezing this morning. I did an out and back on Foothill

Wasatch loop. I feel out of shape and my muscles are weak. I want to get back into the habit of running every day.

I've been tracking my moods, suicidal ideation, number of meals, and whether or not I take my medication. Lately my mood states and suicidal ideation haven't been where we want them. My therapist was concerned and strongly suggested I get in to see my psychiatrist ASAP. The soonest I can get in is November 4. I've been having mixed states again (depression and hypomania at the same time) and that's concerning. Mixed states are the most dangerous to be in- from both a suicidal standpoint and from a let's-mess-up-your-life standpoint. I'm not too worried though, it's been much worse before. I just need to adjust my meds a little.

I had the chance to go running but it was dark and cold and when it came down to it I didn't really wanna :( regret regret regret. Tomorrow!

I'm a little sore :0 

What I've been wondering lately is what good has come from 2020? Everyone wants to complain about it, and there's lots to complain about, but what good, if any, has come as a direct result of our challenges?

I've had a particularly difficult year what with a half suicide attempt, a difficult break-up (we were all but engaged- seriously talking marriage and I'd tried on the ring), a difficult diagnosis of bipolar disorder that I'm still trying to sort out, and the uncertainty regarding significant memory loss and the fear that it'll be another major diagnosis- but also the fear that I might not ever know what's wrong. All that on top of COVID and the year we've all had- where is the good?

One good thing is that it's brought me closer to my family. Another is that I've learned how to accept myself the way that I am- even when others don't. I've learned that what you think about yourself is directly related to your health. And I've learned that things aren't always black and white, that things can be both of the opposing sides at the same time.

And probably most importantly- 2020 has given me another chance at life. I get to start over and reset. I can take this time to recover and get back on my feet. The beginning of 2020 brought about destruction, but the end of it has brought healing and improvement. 

Out and back on Foothill. I brought my watch today and after a slow mile (8:30) I decided to try for 50% pace. I've gotten used to the slow pace, so picking it up was a little difficult at first. I wasn't confident I'd be able to average 50% pace, but I did! It ended up being a nice progression with 8:30, 7:35, 7:16, 7:09. It averages out to 7:38 (50% pace is 7:15-7:45). I'll probably be sore tomorrow lol my body hasn't gone that fast in a long time. Crazy how I used to do that on a daily basis

Happy Halloween!

I met up with Ashley, Kacey and Madison thinking it'd be a chill run. But nope it was suuuper hilly and we averaged 7:37. Woooowee I'm out of shape. But I'm glad I can still do 50% pace. Also I miss running in groups that was so nice!

Started on Foothill then cut up 1700 S to Wasatch. 8:08 average

My therapist told me today she could tell I was depressed...just from talking with me. She said I'm definitely on a downswing right now. The weather changing could have an effect. Weird because I didn't feel that depressed today. But I suppose I'm still more mellow and tired than normal.

Depression is kicking in. Idk why but it felt more present today. Everything feels dull. I must say, I think I prefer hypomania. Though I haven't quite mastered how to tone it down so that I'm not making impulsive and unwise decisions on a whim. So in that regard maybe depression is a good thing.

On a scale from 0-10 today is:

Hypomania: 0

Depression: 7

Suicidal ideation: 1

I had a psychiatry appointment today, we are upping a dose of one of my mood stabilizers. Hopefully that helps.

Depression made it especially difficult to get out and run. I didn't. 

I put in my two weeks notice today at my Physical Therapy job. I'll be starting up a higher paying job shortly.

I'm hoping I'll be able to pay off most if not all of my medical bills by March. I was debating whether or not I should take the last class I need for my Associates this spring semester, but since March has been my downfall two years in a row I think I'll just work and try not to crash super bad again this winter then take that class in the summer or fall. 

Hypomania: 0

Depression: 7

Suicidal ideation: 1

Out and back on Foothill. Enjoyed the probable last day above 70 degrees for the year, I think we completely skipped fall this year. Lol it's supposed to snow again on Sunday

Hypomania: 0

Depression: 7

Suicidal ideation: 4

Wasatch loop

On Thursday I have neuropsych testing for my memory loss. I'm pretty nervous about the whole thing, not necessarily the testing but what it might find. I will find out those results on December 9th when I see the neurologist again. If they are inconclusive, then we'll see about doing an MRI.

I'm told this testing is frustrating for those being tested because when they find a weakness they nab at it until they really understand the full extent of the disability, which means really zeroing in on that weakness. 3 hours of that.

It's coming up on a year since I started trying to get in to see a neurologist (in December). I think COVID helped with that. I'm glad that it's finally happening, but I'm nervous.

My mom says I've done this testing before, once when I was 6 and once when I was 17. I don't remember it. Another one of those moments where it was significant enough to where I should remember it, but I don't. It's terribly frustrating. She said the results back then showed I had short-term memory loss. When I asked her if it was even worth doing again if I've done it before she said yes, that my memory has gotten a lot worse since then. Well look at that folks I'm a real-life Dory

I saw Sasha's comment before I left and decided to switch things up. I ran to the East High track and did a lap, stretched and did 2 strides before starting. I did 2x400 aiming for sub-2:00, but hoping for sub-90. I hit 83, 90. Then ran back home.

Like Sasha suggested, I'm going to try doing a 400 every run aiming for sub-2:00. Thank you Sasha :)

Out and back on Foothill. I didn't end up doing the 400 because it was dark and snowy and I wasn't sure if the track would be open :/ next time.

3 miles with Ashley on a trail right behind Lagoon

We're going to start running together once a week. I'm excited

Wasatch loop. I just haven't been motivated to do the 400. I haven't been motivated much about anything. It's just a symptom of my depression. However, I really want to get back up to 30 miles a week, maybe even 40. I've lost a lot of strength because I've been doing next to nothing for the past couple months, so I'll have to build up slowly. First starting with running every day, even if it's only 3 or 4 miles. Then increasing mileage. I want to get back to doing long runs that are 10+ miles each week. I just have to find the motivation and dedication to run when I'm tired from work and my depression is telling me to go to bed. I need something to work hard for, I need to be putting in more effort than I have been. And that goes for more than just running. I need to set new goals and figure out what the heck I'm doing with my life. 

Wasatch loop, but added in 2x400 in the middle on the flattest part of Wasatch. I was originally only going to do one but I wasn't satisfied with the first. I know 2:00 is the goal, I get competitive with myself and it's hard for me to see 2:00 as success. It automatically feels like only under 90 is success. But for these, 2:00 is the measurement. I ran 95, 86. It's surprisingly difficult to hit a 400 time on the road. Then finished the loop back home. 

I got my neuropsych results back... they were less than satisfactory. More on that later. We're meeting with the neurologist to discuss it further on Friday.

The results showed everything we suspected- a decline in memory function from my neuropsych exam 6 years ago. I scored as severely impaired on all memory tests except a recognition one, which was considered intact. I scored borderline, low average and average on language tests. Visiospacial/construction was well above average, scoring in the 90th and 91st percentile. Processing speed was mildly impaired to borderline, working memory was low average, premorbid intellect in the high average range with 75th percentile. As compared to my previous neuropsych exam, all was stable except: my ability to learn verbal information dropped from the 63rd percentile in 2014 to the 1st percentile in 2020. Delayed recall of verbal information dropped from the 75th percentile to the <1 percentile. These types of declines were present in tests of visual memory. (2014: 25th-34th percentiles, 2020: 1st percentile). Depression and anxiety seem to have improved since 2014's test (interesting).

All informative results, so why the frustration? Well, the neurologist while evaluating the data repeatedly stated I put in "poor effort, especially on memory." Then says that as such, the results aren't accurate and should be "viewed with caution." The thing is, I tried very hard on every test, including the memory ones. With his interpretation of my results, this neuropsych evaluation means nothing. It was basically a waste of time and money.

So we had the meeting with the neurologist today. It was actually very informative, but ultimately doesn't change much. He agreed to amend his report to include some of the details he discussed with us and change some of the wording to properly convey his meaning. We had interpreted it differently than what he meant.

By effort, he didn't mean whether or not I applied myself. He meant I worked at a percentage of the capacity I could've due to my depression. I don't necessarily like that he's blaming all my memory problems on my depression. I feel like there's more going on than just depression- after all my memory is so bad. But I could understand how he'd come to that conclusion. Essentially I performed so terribly on a couple of tests that he can't explain why I'd scored so low. I scored lower than what those with diagnosed brain injuries would typically get. And the CT scan from March is essentially unremarkable. So his conclusion was depression.

He says I tend to underestimate how bad my depression really is. My parents agreed. My mom noted how feelig good to me was like feeling like you were drowning to someone else, probably because I have experienced worse and so it feels relatively good to be only moderately depressed. Yay for that lol

He said that most areas of my test are accurate. All except for memory. I can choose to retake the test in a year if desired, for insurance reasons. 

I wonder what this will mean for my neurology appointment in December. I might proceed with an MRI just to rule everything else out once and for all. Then focus on managing depression as the treatment for memory issues. 

Out and back on Foothill. My dad might have COVID-19. He got tested this morning, we will find out tomorrow. He was showing symptoms, the main one being that he smells and tastes burning metal. I most likely don't have it seeing as I tested negative on Thursday (I get tested every week since I work on a COVID-19 testing site). But that doesn't mean I can't get it in the next few days. 

The good thing is that this is probably the best time to get it. We'll have to quarantine for a while if he gets a positive result, but I'm only supposed to work one day next week so it's not like I'm out of working a lot of hours, and with it being the holidays my sisters' activities like dance and soccer are put on hold anyways.

My dad tested positive :( I've been having a few minor symptoms including a scratchy throat, weird taste/smell (it's mostly gone now), runny nose and feeling really tired. I suppose it was only a matter of time before it came to my family. Now I'll have to quarantine so no running for idk how long. I'll try to do some strength exercises maybe, idk. 

My mom now has it. She had body aches through the night. My mom, Hattie and I are going to get tested tomorrow morning.

Got out for a run this morning. I felt tired.

I switched up my route which I should probably do more often (my watch was dead so I mapped it out once I got home to get the distance). Went up to Foothill then cut across to 9th S and down to the East High track. Then did a 400. My legs felt heavy. I used my phone to get the time, it was 85. Then ran back home.

My dad went to the doctor today because he's been having trouble breathing. He says he's okay now though. The doctor said his vitals look good, especially for a COVID patient. My mom reports burning in her chest and ushered me out of their room so that I don't catch it, especially because of my asthma. My mom, sister and I got tested this morning. We'll get those results in 24-36 hours. My guess is I'll be negative. But we'll see. 

Didn't feel great on the run today. I just did an out and back. 

All 3 of us tested negative, but we think my mom's test was a false negative. My mom talked to my uncle who is a doctor and he said there's no way she doesn't have it, she's been sleeping in the same bed and is showing major symptoms. Mine and Hattie's were probably accurate. Both of us are showing minor symptoms (I have a stuffy nose and Hattie feels exhausted) but other than that we're fine, so maybe a cold? Allergies? Idk. Also I randomly got pink eye which isn't a symptom but it's annoying haha

So, all in all kind of what we expected. Not sure what the likelihood of me not getting it is, but I hope that I don't.

I also had therapy today (via zoom) and we did a re-evaluation of PTSD and mood disorder symptoms. I no longer have PTSD! I didn't know that they could cure PTSD through therapy, but apparently you can :) I'm really happy about that. Also my levels were consistent with a mood disorder so that's expected lol. I was like one point away from eating disorder but I can attest I no longer have one. I'm getting in 3 meals a day (I've been tracking it along with my mood for the past 2 months).

Today I started as if to do VA loop then cut down Sunnyside to the East High track. Did a couple strides and stretched before starting the 400. Right before I had the thought, "let's try to break 80." I wasn't confident I would, but I did! I ran a 79. It definitely felt all out so that's all I can do right now, but I was happy with it. Then ran back home. 

I find it really lucky I haven't got COVID yet. But I've been taking measures to stay away from it, like staying in my room all day. Which is kinda boring but worth it if it means I don't get it. Also taking vitamin C, vitamin D, and some other pill my mom said helps I just forgot what it is lol. Zinc? I think that's it. I'm going to add some of the ones Sasha suggested too

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Out and back on Foothill, 8:17 average. 

Hattie wanted to run with me today. We did the 1700 S loop (1.65 miles). Our first mile was 7:15. Once we got back home I added on 1900 E to 4 miles.

Started at the East track and did Shriner's run out and back. 8:24 average. Then stretched, did a couple strides and did a 400. I hit another 79! It felt all out again lol.

I think that my legs are weak. I think that's why running is so rough for me right now. I know I could go faster, I have the speed, it just doesn't feel comfortable. And feels not very smooth when I try, like my legs are weak. But that's probably the funk I need to get out of, running shouldn't feel comfortable all the time. It's hard to push myself when I'm alone.

Foothill out and back, 8:09 average

I've been quarantining so naturally I have a lot of time on my hands. Today I pulled out my mood chart that I've been using to keep track of my mood, hours of sleep, suicidal ideation, meals per day, and whether or not I took my medication. I created it a while ago. This month I'll be adding whether or not I did a mindfulness exercise, anxiety level, irritability, and whether or not I exercised. So anyway, I created the new chart and then decided to reflect on the two months I've got data for- October and November. I created a graph for both of them showing my bipolar mood cycle and then calculated the averages for all the other data points. It's interesting because on all average data points November was a much better month than October, even though I had a deeper low in November. I've ended on a high note which I guess made up for the low. I think upping the dose of the abilify this month really helped.

So far, the findings are:

-when I miss a day of medication, the next few days I become hypomanic or depressed and experience increased suicidal ideation

-less sleep = more depression or hypomania and increased suicidal ideation

-running more frequently could have a positive effect on my mood state- either that or because I feel better I run more frequently. Or maybe both are true.

October (less data points- not done the whole month so focus on the percentages. Also remember that hypomania and depression can co-exist- that's why the percentages don't add up to 100. Some days had both depression and hypomania)

Number of hypomanic days: 6 (30 percent)

Number of depressed days: 15 (75 percent)

Number of stable days: 3 (15 percent)

Average suicidal ideation rating: 2.86