Sock tans

Quite honestly I probably ran over a mile today for work. Got  around 130 stops completed by 8:45. No time today to go for a legitimate run. There won't be any tomorrow either, I'll be working from 5:45am-9pm. 

So this week will be interesting as I start up my second new job and finish out my last days at my other jobs this week (tomorrow and wednesday). I'll actually have time on my hands.

Last week in therapy, I had a very startling revelation. I opened up about the abuse I endured as an infant (I don't remember it, just what my mom has told me). My therapist said that from what she knows about sexual abuse, it's very likely I was sexually abused. It was confirmed my biological sister was, and my therapist said that if she was, most likely I was as well.

We did ART therapy (a type of trauma therapy) for both that and the trauma with my coach. I was diagnosed with PTSD a couple months back, and I've been having flashbacks/hallucinations. The past week has been okay. But leading up to it not so much. So I think the ART therapy helped.

Today my therapist pointed out that I was dissociating, something I honestly didn't know was a thing. Dissociation is a trauma response. Today we practiced staying in the present moment rather than dissociating while talking about high emotion things. It was incredibly difficult, but crazy cool because my therapist knew when I was dissociating just by observing body language. I could actually feel it when it was happening too in my frontal lobe/forehead area, the strangest sensation when you're actually noticing it for the first time.

Therapy is really cool, and well, therapeutic. I feel like it's helped me so much.

Right as I got home from my run I got a call from U of U neurology. I now have a date set for my neuropsych testing- November 12. So that's good news.

Out and back on Foothill.

Wasatch loop

Wasatch loop. My car died today. It's currently in the shop. Just glad it didn't die on me on the freeway

My therapist has wanted me to start tracking my mood, so last week was my first week of that. Based on what I've recorded so far she thinks I could be a rapid cycler, but more data points will tell. I was both hypomanic (Tuesday) and depressed (Thursday) at different points last week. Yesterday I stabilized. There was also one day I missed taking my meds (Wednesday), the first time in weeks. We think it was a symptom of depression because I didn't have the willpower to get out of bed and take them. But could also be a symptom of hypomania because I had the thought run through my head: "I'll be fine without them, it's just one day" which is a very hypomanic way of thinking. Eh. That was the day I was just coming off of hypomania but recorded being mildly depressed. I think it's good I'm keeping track of these things now.

We also talked about how sleep and what you eat/when/how often can also affect cycling. I just switched my sleep schedule when I switched jobs, so my circadian rhythm is all off. 

Apparently I need to eat more protein. I guess it can help stabilize moods.

Out and back on Foothill. Next week I'm going to make it my goal to go running every day, even if it's only for 3 miles like today.

Last night I went up with some friends to a friend's cabin just past Oakley, UT. It was a blast! However my insomnia was terrible and I forgot my meds, so I was literally up all night. I'd been up at 4:30am yesterday morning for work and hadn't slept at all since then. So I crashed this morning at 10am for 2 hours when I got home. 

Wasatch loop

It turned to winter overnight. It snowed yesterday and was still below freezing this morning. I did an out and back on Foothill

Wasatch loop. I feel out of shape and my muscles are weak. I want to get back into the habit of running every day.

I've been tracking my moods, suicidal ideation, number of meals, and whether or not I take my medication. Lately my mood states and suicidal ideation haven't been where we want them. My therapist was concerned and strongly suggested I get in to see my psychiatrist ASAP. The soonest I can get in is November 4. I've been having mixed states again (depression and hypomania at the same time) and that's concerning. Mixed states are the most dangerous to be in- from both a suicidal standpoint and from a let's-mess-up-your-life standpoint. I'm not too worried though, it's been much worse before. I just need to adjust my meds a little.

I had the chance to go running but it was dark and cold and when it came down to it I didn't really wanna :( regret regret regret. Tomorrow!

I'm a little sore :0 

What I've been wondering lately is what good has come from 2020? Everyone wants to complain about it, and there's lots to complain about, but what good, if any, has come as a direct result of our challenges?

I've had a particularly difficult year what with a half suicide attempt, a difficult break-up (we were all but engaged- seriously talking marriage and I'd tried on the ring), a difficult diagnosis of bipolar disorder that I'm still trying to sort out, and the uncertainty regarding significant memory loss and the fear that it'll be another major diagnosis- but also the fear that I might not ever know what's wrong. All that on top of COVID and the year we've all had- where is the good?

One good thing is that it's brought me closer to my family. Another is that I've learned how to accept myself the way that I am- even when others don't. I've learned that what you think about yourself is directly related to your health. And I've learned that things aren't always black and white, that things can be both of the opposing sides at the same time.

And probably most importantly- 2020 has given me another chance at life. I get to start over and reset. I can take this time to recover and get back on my feet. The beginning of 2020 brought about destruction, but the end of it has brought healing and improvement. 

Out and back on Foothill. I brought my watch today and after a slow mile (8:30) I decided to try for 50% pace. I've gotten used to the slow pace, so picking it up was a little difficult at first. I wasn't confident I'd be able to average 50% pace, but I did! It ended up being a nice progression with 8:30, 7:35, 7:16, 7:09. It averages out to 7:38 (50% pace is 7:15-7:45). I'll probably be sore tomorrow lol my body hasn't gone that fast in a long time. Crazy how I used to do that on a daily basis

Happy Halloween!

I met up with Ashley, Kacey and Madison thinking it'd be a chill run. But nope it was suuuper hilly and we averaged 7:37. Woooowee I'm out of shape. But I'm glad I can still do 50% pace. Also I miss running in groups that was so nice!