Sock tans

Foothill out and back, 8:09 average

I've been quarantining so naturally I have a lot of time on my hands. Today I pulled out my mood chart that I've been using to keep track of my mood, hours of sleep, suicidal ideation, meals per day, and whether or not I took my medication. I created it a while ago. This month I'll be adding whether or not I did a mindfulness exercise, anxiety level, irritability, and whether or not I exercised. So anyway, I created the new chart and then decided to reflect on the two months I've got data for- October and November. I created a graph for both of them showing my bipolar mood cycle and then calculated the averages for all the other data points. It's interesting because on all average data points November was a much better month than October, even though I had a deeper low in November. I've ended on a high note which I guess made up for the low. I think upping the dose of the abilify this month really helped.

So far, the findings are:

-when I miss a day of medication, the next few days I become hypomanic or depressed and experience increased suicidal ideation

-less sleep = more depression or hypomania and increased suicidal ideation

-running more frequently could have a positive effect on my mood state- either that or because I feel better I run more frequently. Or maybe both are true.

October (less data points- not done the whole month so focus on the percentages. Also remember that hypomania and depression can co-exist- that's why the percentages don't add up to 100. Some days had both depression and hypomania)

Number of hypomanic days: 6 (30 percent)

Number of depressed days: 15 (75 percent)

Number of stable days: 3 (15 percent)

Average suicidal ideation rating: 2.86

Average meals per day: 3

Average hours of sleep: 7.15

Days medication was missed: 2

November 

Number of hypomanic days: 3 (10 percent)

Number of depressed days: 21 (70 percent)

Number of stable days: 8 (26 percent) 

Average suicidal ideation rating: 1.1

Average meals per day: 3

Average hours of sleep: 7.87

Days medication was missed: 1

Went over to Sugarhouse and decided to do the State hill loop 4 times (the big one on the northeast side of the park). I was pretty tired after that. I only got a time for the first one because my watch died (1:37 for .23). My first was probably my slowest because I was trying to remember how far out the loop usually goes and how it swings between the pine trees, I went off course a bit. I also almost biffed it on the third one but caught myself. Then ran back home

So today I had a neurology appointment to follow up with my primary neurologist. He recommended speech therapy to help with my memory issues, so I will be starting that soon. We also decided to go through with an MRI, with scans specifically around the hippocampus (memory center).

As for running, I really am struggling to get myself out the door. Idk why, I have low motivation to go I guess. I sometimes dread it. Which isn't where I want to be with running. I miss the days when running was what I looked forward to. For now I guess I'm in a funk.

I seriously debated whether or not I should go running. I really didn't want to. But I forced myself out the door. 

It ended up being really good for me. I forgot how therapeutic it can be. I was able to run through my thoughts and zone out enough that I passed the 2 mile mark and didn't realize it, so I just kept going on the full loop.

I had therapy today and my therapist told me she was proud of me for being stable for 8 months and of how well I'm doing. I haven't had any major suicidal symptoms in that time, I've been pretty stable in that regard. My moods have still been shifting but I'm getting better at managing it by recognizing patterns and triggers and adjusting accordingly. It was really nice to hear her say that because sometimes I feel like I'm just on the struggle bus all day every day and it's hard to see my progress. Sometimes I get discouraged, but she tells me that for someone with bipolar disorder I'm doing really well. For example, even though I've jumped from job to job as is common for those with bipolar disorder, I've always left on good terms. A lot of bipolar patients say "screw this I'm done" and burn bridges, but I never have. I also don't go on huge spending sprees while manic, some spend thousands of dollars. My spending sprees are 120 dollars at the most, and that rarely happens. Well it just happened over Black Friday but you know. There were tons of deals! Lol. Anyways, I can also work full-time which is something that not everyone with bipolar disorder can do. Some can't work at all because of it. So really, I'm thankful that my bipolar disorder isn't as bad as it could be. 

The President of SUU sent out an email for finals week to students, then also shared it to Facebook. He shared his experience with going for a morning run and some lessons to be learned from it. I found it very relevant to my predicament of low motivation for running.

Some of the wisdom shared: "If I put on sufficient layers to feel good when I first step outside and start running I know I will be overheating in less than a mile. So, in order to be comfortable along a 90-minute run I have to be uncomfortable for the first three or four minutes. ... Getting started is always the most difficult part of the project- the first 3 or 4 minutes. Nothing feels better than sticking with a task until it is completed. Don't deny yourself that feeling by quitting too early.

"How do we talk ourselves into getting started if we don't want to? Well, I usually don't want to go running in the morning. So, I don't think about it. I just go through the motions to get ready. I put on my running clothes, eat a snack, get a drink, follow a pattern, and eventually I find myself outside. It's cold, so I start running to warm up. I work from easy and don't think about hard. Eventually the hard becomes easy with momentum and the force of habit.

"How do we keep going once we've started? I ususally don't think about how long or hard the run will be. That can cause me to feel overwhelmed and tired before I even get going. I just think about starting an easy run. I trick my mind into assuming I'll just go a little ways, and then, as Robert Frost wrote, "way leads on to way." 

"Congratulations for making it this far. Consider how much you have been able to do, albeit less than perfectly, and take confidence from where you are to keep moving forward."

He of course related it to schoolwork and had a few more things to say, but that was the part that felt relevant.

A lot of the principles I already know, I just needed to be reminded. I think that the go through the motions and get going bit is great advice- it's a lot easier to go for a run when you're already getting ready for it than when you haven't even started. It's the getting started bit that I'm having difficulty with most.

I've had this newfound understanding that I am in charge of my own health. As I was thinking about what one of the neurologists said regarding my depression and memory loss, I realized that I do have some control over my health. When you have a diagnosis that will stick with you for your whole life that indicates illness rather than health, it's hard to believe that you will ever be truly healthy. But as I was running today I realized that I have the choice to be healthy by actively doing things that will improve my health, such as running. It's in the small things. I could choose not to take my meds which would trigger a deep dive into depression, which could potentially end in suicide. Or I could choose not to even take that risk and take my medication every day religiously. I could also do other things to help improve my health like running, going to therapy, practicing mindfulness, and practicing other strategies learned in therapy like wise mind. 

Remembering what my therapist said on Wednesday, I am encouraged by the progress I have made. But I do realize that I still have a ways to go before I'd say I'm a master of my own health.

I notice that it's the little things that get abandoned first when a deep depressive episode starts. Things like brushing my teeth and doing laundry promptly rather than waiting until I'm desperate for clothes. Then it progresses to not showering, then to not eating. And all of these behaviors have one thing in common: I don't care enough about myself to take care of myself. And so, over the next month I'm going to ask myself the question: "Is this taking care of myself?" before I make a decision, start to do something, or neglect doing something. I know I can work on maintaining my own health, which I think most people don't have to think twice about but for me it's something I have to take extra care to do.

Shortened Wasatch loop. I didn't feel great today but wanted to run more than 4, so I compromised with a shortcut.

My dad mentioned today how I get seasonal depression on top of my regular depression/bipolar disorder, and two years in a row I've ended up in a hospital in early March. I'm nervous about history repeating itself yet again, but I'm hoping that my meds and therapy are enough to pull me through this winter.

I've been doing well, no suicidal thoughts whatsoever for almost a month now. Definite progress. I'm in sounder mind than I was the previous two years at this time, so I'm hopeful I won't crash deeply this year.

My goal is to make it through the end of March without needing to go to the hospital. If I can do that I can be confident that my treatment is sufficient, which would bring more confidence that I can function well in society. I can also gain that confidence through holding down a job for more than a month, something I have been struggling to do. So I'm going to make another goal that I'll be working at my current job in June, 6 months from now. It's going to be hard but I think I can do it. 

I had a mini exposure to COVID at work on Monday, one of my coworkers tested positive. The result came back last night so today, out of an abundance of caution, all who worked Monday stayed home to quarantine. Thankfully I wasn't near this person for most of the day and we were all wearing protective gear and had HEPA filters at the testing sites, so the chances of me catching it are very slim. Epidemiologists and the U's workplace wellness have cleared me to come back to work tomorrow. We will be testing for COVID on Saturday.

I had therapy over zoom as per usual and afterwards I came to the realization that I was giving up a really good gig by switching jobs. I also realized that it was a mistake and yet another impulsive action carried out due to bipolar disorder. Every job I've had in the last little bit I've gotten to the point I'm at now- where I decide I hate it and change jobs. It's becoming a problem and I know I need to fix it. So, today I rescinded my two week's notice (thankfully they were understanding and happy that I'd be staying). It's going to be really hard for me to fight that urge to quit, but I'm going to do it because I know I need this job and it's a really good one for me.

I applied to an online bachelor's degree program through SUU a little while ago that is only $79 per credit. And today I was accepted into it!! I'm excited about it. For my remaining degree, 54 credits, this program saves me $23,476. It's designed to be super flexible too so it works with your schedule, and courses go in 7-week segments (basically half a semester).

Going this route is officially giving up the traditional way of going to college, but a bachelor's degree is a bachelor's degree, no matter how you receive it.

Wasatch loop

Wasatch loop. It was warm today! 52 degrees

After the first mile I decided to pick up the pace, which ended up making it a nice progression- though a slow one. It was nice to get my legs moving a little quicker. Mile splits were 8:38, 8:05, 7:43. Averages out at 8:08.

Sometimes I get frustrated that I'm running so slow, but I have to remind myself I'm in different shape than my college days. It would take a LOT of dedication to get back in that kind of shape. A lot of grit and determination that I'm not sure I have. I feel like I've lost my edge, I don't know how to get it back. I need something to work towards, something I'm really passionate about achieving. I don't have anything I'm working for right now, and I think that's the difference between now and then.

I'm also thinking that it's a mental thing. In all areas of my life I've been struggling to get back the drive I used to have. At work, at school (last year), and at home. It's like the work-hard switch is turned off. And I don't know how to turn it back on. Is it depression? Is it medication? Or is it something that I have control over? Is it a lack of confidence? Am I doubting my abilities so much that I just give up before I truly start? I think that's true with a few things.

I'm going to start creating my own training plans and stick to it as much as I can, even if it means running at a track a lot.

Running was my outlet and hid my depression while I was in high school. In college my bipolar symptoms kicked in full swing. I think it's foolish to believe that things can ever go back to exactly how they were before, because before I wasn't struggling to the major extent that I have in recent years and bipolar disorder hadn't fully manifested itself. But now, I have medication, therapy, and an understanding of bipolar disorder. I think there's room for improvement of functioning, and it might be possible to do so at the level I could before. But that's the hard part- is it really possible?

I do believe my depression has a large factor in my lack of motivation and drive, but I also think there's more that I could be doing to put in effort. And therefore I'm not functioning at my optimal level. It's hard because I might not be able to change the problems set by bipolar disorder, but I know there are still areas I can improve just in my own choices and efforts. 

I do take heart in knowing that I'm already considered high functioning for someone with bipolar disorder. If I can optimize that I'd be in a really good place.

I'm going to make it a goal to get in a perfect week- a full week of running. I'm also going to follow a new training program to mix it up and get me more motivated. Mostly just including a tempo and a hill, speed, or fartlek workout every week. 

I'm realizing that not knowing what you're going to do and not being passionate about it leaves room for slumping away from your goal. I need to figure out my passions and decide to work hard for them. If I have a great goal in mind that I really am passionate about, I can usually be dedicated enough to achieve that goal. I've got some thinking to do. 

Merry Christmas!!

Wasatch loop

Out and back on Foothill. It was windyyy which made it pretty cold. 8:11 average (first mile 9:04, last mile 7:20).

I watched a documentary on Netflix called the social dilemma, it was eye opening. I disabled all my social media accounts afterwards because dang, if the founders of social media are talking about how addictive, manipulative and problematic social media is, it's really a problem.

So today I had my first speech therapy appointment. It was more of an assessment than anything, we did a couple of memory tests that were very similar to the ones done in the neuropsych exam. We had some good news! My tests showed that I was within normal limits for immediate memory. I was below normal limits on language measures and attention measures. Everything else was normal.

It surprised me that I was within normal limits on memory. It means one of two things (or both): first (according to the speech therapist), that my memory difficulties are mild enough that I can score well on these kinds of tests, and second, that my memory issues really are related to my depression (as suggested by one of my neurologists). I am in a stable mood today, and time has passed to allow for one of my medications to gain strength. This is more likely since I scored so poorly on similar tests within my neuropsych exam 1.5 months ago.

Either way, it's great news. It means it's more manageable than I once thought.

Foothill out and back. I'm going to start keeping track of how many days in a row I run. Might keep me motivated not to break the streak, we'll try it out. I won't be counting Sundays since, for religious reasons, I don't run on Sundays.

Running streak: 4

Wasatch loop. 

In 2020, I learned what self-love truly is. I learned how to be compassionate and understanding with myself. I learned that even amidst such heartache as I was experiencing 9 months ago, you CAN make it through and things do get better. I also learned that out of the blue, new opportunities may present themselves that wouldn’t have had you not struggled. I learned to look at things rationally and realistically, while still upholding a positive and hopeful attitude. When looking back at 2020, I don’t want to view it as the hardest year of my life, though it may be true. I want to remember it as the year I broke through my depression and took charge of my life. I want to remember it as the year that I overcame the most difficult things I have ever faced. I survived a pandemic, a full-fledged unmedicated and unmanaged bipolar episode, an earthquake, a land hurricane, and the list goes on. Whatever trials came, they also went. And now I’m in a better place than I’ve been in for years. And for that I am grateful.

Running streak: 5