Sock tans

7:37 average

7:32 average, sooo cold. Had to take it slow on some parts because of ice

Decided to talk to Paul today after classes because I couldn’t focus at all and was so stressed and depressed that I knew I wouldn’t get anything done if I didn’t take steps towards getting more help. He walked me over to CAPS because of the severity of what’s been going on, Paul’s so great. I’ve never been to CAPS before, they got me in for a crisis screening something or another (wasn’t expecting that). The guy was really blunt and straightforward and kinda pushy but it was nice to just be honest and let it out. My twin brother is suicidal. He calls me when he’s super low so that’s a blessing. But like Paul said, I’m just waiting for the call I don’t want. So that’s been weighing heavy on my mind. The guy said I can call 911 if I think he might attempt it one night, even if I’m 200 miles away.

I will probably get lined up for some medication within the next couple weeks, because even though a lot of it’s caused by situational stressors, I’ve been in and out of depression for years and was diagnosed 2 years ago and was put on medication back then. I ran into road blocks with it but I think it’s worth another try. And I think it’d help with my anxiety, too.

Mile warmup then went to the training room to check hip alignment, pretty far off today. Hip was rotated back and down/out to the side, got two good pops and it was back closer to normal. Not right on but a lot better than it was. Haha Drew was telling Stephanie of the time in Idaho where he realigned them and got the loudest pop in the hotel hallway that sounded like a gunshot hahaha good times

Anyways strides then started. The workout was originally going to be 10x400s with 90 seconds rest (goal pace 75-80), but it was so cold and we were all hitting slower times than I think Coach expected so Coach told us (meaning Jacey, Brighton and I and the 10+ guys also doing the workout) after we’d done a couple that we were only going to do 6. I was pumped about that haha, I’d been holding back a little to start slower and reserve my energy for the end, and to stay relaxed. It was what felt comfortable. Once he said that I thought sweet! Time to push. Eh. Maybe my “push” still needs to be taken down a notch so I can hold it lol

Also Brighton ran with us today and it was so nice to have her there to pace with.

Times went 81, 82, 78, 74, 77, 79. So 78.5 average. I still need to relearn how to go fast lol but I’m coming along

Then cooled down 4 miles. Was planning on 5 but my right hip flexor was hurting a lot so I called it. I’m super tight in my hips, Drew got a release in my piriformis and then I iced and we called it for today. Will start exercises up again tomorrow, Drew and Stephanie got after me for not coming in to do them for a few weeks lol my bad

Had my swim final today, made it 850 yds (lol I’m definitely a runner, not a swimmer). The breathing is what got me. And apparently I kick like a runner haha. I was surprised how tiring it was. I probably should’ve run today, but I had no motivation. It was probably good to rest my hip flexor. Just have to power through one more week, my motivation to do anything is so low right now. 

I've been thinking a lot lately and I've realized a few things:

1. While I've been running at SUU (or at least these last two years) I've been running with a deflated spirit, believing I'm not good enough and don't measure up to these girls, as though I'm somehow inferior and won't ever achieve my goals

2. Your attitude affects how you feel about things. Having a positive attitude doesn't mean you'll be happy all the time, but it's choosing to focus on the good things and reminding yourself of them and why they make you happy.

So, I'm going to try to fix my mentality. Maybe that's what's been holding me back all this time. From now on I'm going to:

1. Start believing in myself and allow myself to get excited about workouts. I've had this attitude of, "yes, I ran one good time but then I died" for like this whole season. As I was talking with Paul on Monday, he told me my workout last week was really good. I didn't realize it until then, but I'd believed it wasn't actually that great and coach was going to use it as more reason to back up the belief that I'm not good enough, because I'd been focusing on the 400s that were slow, instead of looking at it in a positive light. Paul said, well, it was tough! We haven't done 400s after any 1000s this season until then. I ran 3:46, 3:32, 3:42. At the beginning of the season I ran 3:55, 4:06, 4:12. That right there shows lots of improvement. My 400s this week were a faster average than I think all the 400 workouts I've done at SUU. Yes, there were only 6, but I also ran 12 in 82 average not too long ago, and that is also one of the best workouts I've had here. In high school I did average 75s for 12x400s once, and 78-80 did feel relaxed and I could hit those pretty easy. But that was also at the end of my best season. Right now it's 81-82 that feels fairly easy and I can hit them like clockwork, and 78s for the quicker 400s where I'm pushing hard. I'm not all that far off and that's a whole lot closer than I've been, so I'm getting there I just have to be patient. All anyone can ask is that I try my best to be better today than I was yesterday, give my all and work hard. And when I think about it, I think I could break 5:20 this season if I work hard, so I'm excited to see if I can pull it off.

2. Instead of relying on others to tell me I'm doing great, instead of looking to them for validation that I'm fast enough, I'm going to start believing in myself. I didn't realize how critical I've been. Something I've been thinking about lately is this: would you tell others the same things you tell yourself? In my case, no I wouldn't. I would never tell someone they're not good enough, I'd never tell them that their efforts are in vain and they should just give up. Because I don't believe that, I believe that with hard work anyone can accomplish their dreams. And yet, why have I had such a hard time believing that as it applies to me? I don't know. Because I'm so self-critical and I need to be kinder to myself, I'm a person too, lol.

I have learned a lot in my time as a runner. I have the knowledge, I just need to apply it. My high school coach was there every step of the way to tell me I was doing well and would get after me when I'd go on a tangent as to why I wasn't good enough. He'd nip it in the butt and tell me no, you ran these times in workouts, this shows you're capable of more than you think. I think I'd lost that sense of positivity when I came to SUU. I still looked for the positive aspects of training, but I haven't been very positive with myself. My coaches have been some of the most positive influences on me while I've been here, they have a great approach, but I can't rely on them to always correct my negative mentality. I need to fix it myself. They've done a great job of teaching me the principles, of being positive and trying to get us to be as well, but I haven't allowed myself to truly apply them and feel their affect.

So, in an attempt to be more positive, I'm going to be kinder to myself and stop being so critical. If I can't believe in myself, how can I expect anyone else to?

1. I AM strong enough. I've earned my spot on the team just like anyone else has.

2. I've endured through years of setbacks and difficulties. I'm still here pushing through while the overwhelming majority of my incoming class decided to be done running collegiately, some even quit after one semester.

3. I'm running really well right now. My 50%s feel easy, I don't have to try that hard to run sub-7:40 average where in high school that would be considered a good day for a recovery run. Back then I was averaging more like 7:50-8:15 on recovery days. So that shows improvement, too.

4. I have just as much an opportunity to improve here as I did in high school, if not more. I have more resources available to me than I did back then.

5. I do have a fighting spirit, I just have to ignite it.

6. I can improve off of my high school times THIS SEASON if I set my mind to it. Paul said to go for a 5:10 mile first, then work towards 5:00. I still have a hard time believing I could run sub-5:10 within the next couple of months, but I'll tell myself I can until I do believe it. I know I can run sub-5:20 this year. And within the next 2 years I can achieve my dream of running under 5:00 in the mile. I have the footspeed. I have the determination, patience, and endurance. I AM a good athlete, otherwise I never would've recieved a scholarship in the first place. I just need to practice, and practice, and practice. Build up my strength. Work hard. Then great things will happen.

6 with Yoli, 7:28 average 

Drew only wanted me to go 6, whoops. 7:29 average. My hip flexor has been painful

7:10 average. Hip flexor hurt especially towards the end, knee stiffened up and hurt pretty bad a few minutes after I stopped. Game readied it (this thing is so cool btw, haha pun intended)

As I’ve thought more about it, I’m kind of glad I’m in the 800 group this year. I think it’ll be the best for me because, as coach said way back when, it’s just getting me to relearn how to go fast. I can hold a pace for a long time, that’s always been one of my stronger suits. When I’m in good shape and when I’m mentally tough and focused, that is. I just need to build confidence in myself, believe that I’m fast and have the ability to run fast times. When I believe that, that’s when I push myself harder and risk going faster just to test what I can do. Sometimes I blow up and die hard. But sometimes if it’s just right, I end up running pretty quick times, or can even it out more next time knowing that I can run fast if I want to. Anyways, the 800 group will be good because it’ll help me to learn how to push through fast pain and not be scared of dying so much. And it’ll remind me to open up and push harder, faster and not necessarily longer because I’m already good at going long. 

Ran with Madison and Morgan, 7:26 average. Hip flexor hurt pretty bad at the end. Knee was fine though lol. Drew got a release out of both flexors. Right one still hurt but was better than before I think. That was so painful, but worth it

Heated my hip flexor then did rehab before running. Main + Canyon, 7:13 average. First time in a while that my hip flexor hasn’t been that painful both before and after the run. 

Also- hips have been misaligned a lot lately. My right one is always the one tilted back or to the side, and it’s my right side that is noticeably weaker while doing rehab. Drew and Stephanie got after me again for skipping out on rehab for several weeks cause now my hips are screwy again. Haha, yeah lesson learned- just because all feels good you don’t stop rehab. I’ll keep doing it over winter break so they can actually stay in place once the season is underway. 

That was a lot longer than intended... I’d planned for 6-8 lol. Started out on Dikes then decided once I got to the light on Main to do a few pickups. Did 8x2 minute pickups with 2 minutes rest. Ended up going up Canyon, finished my last rest and then ran into Angie, Morgan Taylor and Ashley Hawks. Turned and joined them going back up Canyon then finished to the track. Ended up being 11 miles even. 7:06 average for all 11.

Averaged 6:21 pace pickups/7:41 pace rest. A lot of mix with uphill and downhill in there. Feel good about it, good day. 

I’m stoked because over winter break I’ll be meeting up with Angie and Garek.  Garek is running for Texas right now, I haven’t seen him since last Christmas break. I’m excited to see him

Also, I’m feeling really good about where I’m at fitness-wise. We have 3 weeks of break before classes and practice start up again. I haven’t been very focused on running these last couple weeks more just going through the motions, and yet something has just clicked I think. 50% pace used to be a struggle for me, 7:30 average used to feel too fast (ahem freshman year self) and 7:45 felt comfortable. This week I didn’t try to go fast. It just felt normal. Ashley Hawks said to me today that she struggled her first couple of years here too, but she kept pushing through and one day out of nowhere things just clicked and she had a breakthrough. That seems to be the theme with a lot of women on the team. So I’m excited because I’m ready for my breakthrough, maybe this year's the year! Time to roll

Going to start being more proactive in doing core, rehab, taking my supplements, staying hydrated, getting enough sleep etc to be sure I’m ready for whatever Coach has planned in January

Started from my house- Main + Canyon. 7:11 average. Calves are sore from yesterday. Hip flexor feels good!

Finals are finally OVER! I’m so excited to go home to Salt Lake tomorrow. 

Biked 3ish miles between my house and Yoli’s. She ran a mile with me then turned cause she had somewhere to be and I just kept going. Ran up towards the temple. I was tired today, I think I’m dehydrated. And I was woken up at 4am, I was so confused what was going on lol that’s probably got something to do with it. 7:19 average

It’s wedding season again. Haha, I’m the old fart that won’t conform to this trend :) I’m excited, weddings are fun! It’s the norm now like, there goes another one. What’s weird though is all these pregnancy announcements like, didn’t you guys just get married? Utah lol

Started out feeling meh because of cramps. But then running made them feel not as bad. I was already going kinda quick (I was at 7:02 average 5 miles in) but then looked at my watch and thought, what the heck. Pushed the last 2.5 (6:07 and 6:08 miles) and brought the average down to 6:44. I love running in Salt Lake. Didn’t feel the inversion too bad

Did makeshift rehab. Don’t have a band, so I doubled the clams and reverse clams.

I’m sore today. I kept wanting to pick it up but I kept it relaxed and didn’t push like I’d wanted because I don’t want to overdo anything, recovery is important. The pace ended up being faster than I expected, 7:19 average. I was expecting 7:30ish

Almost got hit by a car, that was sketchy.

Wasatch + VA loop. Watch died at 5 miles, average pace at that point was 7:23.

Watch was still dead. Did Shriner’s run to the first stop sign after the fire station on 11th Avenue (I remembered that was about 4 miles. Perks of having run around the city so much)

I was out until 4am last night, haha in my defense I was out in Draper. But I do need to be better about my sleep schedule, this past week it’s not been great. Forgot to charge my watch again so I didn’t get pace but it was probably around 7:20. Met up with my biological sister tonight for my niece’s second birthday, it was cool to see her again. I first met up with her last year over winter break. I was hoping my biological brother would be there but he couldn’t make it. Maybe next time. I haven’t met him yet (haven’t seen him since I was 5 so I don’t remember him)

Salt Lake is the best for unintentional long runs. It’s just so easy to go farther than you meant to, probably because it’s so much bigger than Cedar. And I love running in Salt Lake, gotta hit up all the good spots! I had planned for 11 and intended to go 7:45-8:00 pace since it was longer. Turns out I don’t know how to go that slow anymore lol. Started with Shriners run again, once I got to 11th Avenue I decided to go through memory grove to south temple and then took 1300 E back to East High. I hit 10 miles right when I got there. Then went up to Foothill, I was in the zone man and decided to do VA loop back home. Ended with 14 miles, 7:29 average. I was getting a little fatigued but I felt like I could’ve run 4 more miles. Would’ve been cool but also not smart haha. I can go forever if a pace feels comfortable and I can stop thinking or stressing about how my body feels (get in the zone). Then I just let my mind think about other things and before you know it you’ve run 10 miles. Maybe that’s why coach thinks I’d be a good 5k runner. I just have to learn to be comfortable with a fast pace.

Also side note: I finished 13.1 miles in exactly 1:38:00. That was satisfying haha. I love nice and even. I wonder what I could run a half marathon in if I raced it... maybe one day I’ll test that out 

Lower mileage today to give myself more time to recover from Saturday. I’m just a tiny bit sore. Just want to be cautious because I’m nervous now after having pushed through a stress reaction last track season, I don’t want a repeat. What triggered that was getting too excited after 4 days of speed and running 13 miles in Salt Lake and jumping up in mileage a ton, then running through pain when I suspected what it was from the start and thought I was just paranoid. So I won’t be doing that again, I’m going to be staying in the 45-50 miles a week range. And I think I know my body well enough to know what I can and can’t run through. My low back/hip is slightly bugging, it’s probably from my screwy hips which I’ve been doing my best to roll out and realign myself, it’s a lot more difficult when I’m not sure which direction they’re tilted or how far off they are, can’t really measure that myself. But I’m doing what I can to imitate what Drew had me do and will keep doing rehab. It could also be my extremely tight piriformis. Maybe I’ll have Hattie elbow it out for me. I’m catching Tessa’s cold, which is awesome. The twins are little contagions I swear haha, it seems like every time I come home I get sick with whatever they’ve got. Haha but I love them to death. Pounding the Vitamin C and taking Zinc too to help boost my immune system. 

7:15 average

Merry Christmas! We still have Christmas magic happening at our house, so I was woken up pretty early to see what Santa brought us :) T’was a good morning. 

Was planning on 8, but I was feeling pretty run down. Might hit the hay early tonight, lol. 7:23 average

Snowy run. Was feeling really drained of energy so I thought I better let my body rest instead of pushing for 10 miles. Ran to Sugarhouse Park and did a couple laps on the road then back home. 7:52 average. Lots of sledders

Still felt like I was running through water, but I did have a little more energy. Did VA loop then dropped to 1300 E and took it to Sugarhouse. Then did a perimeter lap and ran home. 7:39 average

Garek texted and said it felt like 9 degrees outside... lol. Yeah it did. He bailed though because he had an eye infection. The little twerp, how dare you get sick?! Lol. Shriner’s run, went to the end of 11th Avenue and down towards memory grove then turned around at 5 miles. Felt like it was still a solid run despite the slower pace. Post-run cough was fire. 7:42 average

Started with wasatch then forgot they don’t shovel the sidewalks well past the shops on foothill so I turned and did VA loop to 1300 E, then along there a bit, turned and went up to the zoo then back home. 7:40 average, still feeling a bit tired but it felt loads better than  a few days ago.

Ran at Liberty Park today. Did a lap around then did a mile and hit 5:45. I was going to do 2 but after the first my lungs were burning and it was hard to breathe. It’s probably too dry and cold outside for anything fast but I wanted to warm up and feel a pace again before next week. We’ll be doing the 6 minute test a week from tomorrow and I’m kind of nervous because 1) I’ve never done it before and 2) it’s been a bit since I’ve done anything fast. But I hit 5:45 in the freezing cold without going all out so hopefully the 6 minute test won’t be too bad... I might do some pickups later this week on the treadmill or something of the like.