Sock tans

Another 50%, 7:18 average

HR 52

Ended up running with the other group today. 50% on Canyon, 7:19 average. This was their “slow” haha, Angie said she is wrecked from weights and their workout yesterday. It was relaxed for me, but my calves were tight

6 with Bino on Main, 7:43 average

Had a team meeting today, basically practices will be on our own for the next few weeks because of Nationals coming up and things getting busy for the coaches, Coach is going to be sending us workouts. We’ll be doing the progression run again, or some will, as a workout. Some walk ons will use it as a try out for the team. Then after the break we’ll be doing the 6 minute test, basically 6 minutes all out. Good indication of where your mile time/race fitness is starting out at for the season. Also, to give some perspective, I was the only girl there and there were like 10-15 guys. Our men’s team is so much bigger than our women’s. 

Then met with Coach individually because it’s been a while since I’ve talked with him. It was awesome actually. He thought I had one year left, nope I’ve got the rest of this year and two more. So he was happy about that. He keeps forgetting I still have some time. He was very honest and I was grateful, he said he probably won’t be traveling me much unless I can step it up. Basically if I want to travel I have to be where Haley is right now. 3-5 seconds off the pack on the 20x400s workout (I was off Brighton on the 16x400s by 2-3 seconds so check), Coach said Haley hit 3:35 average for 4x1ks and I hit 3:40 for 3 so really I’m not that far off. It’s doable. He also said that it’s just getting me to relearn to run fast, because I’ve already done it. If I had come in as a 5:40 miler that would’ve been different, but I’m a 5:12 miler. He just shook his head when he asked for my 3200 PR (11:03), as in a that’s crazy shake haha. Because I HAVE done it before. I think my problem has been just shifting gears from relaxed to pushing with all I’ve got. Going to that next level. So for the next couple of months I’m going to work harder than I’ve ever worked before, focus on forcing myself to hurt and push through when it does. 

Coach also brought up how Maddy her freshman year sat down with coach and he’d told her the same things he was telling me last year, basically that he wasn’t sure if this was the right thing for us. He’s stopped saying that for me so I must be doing something right haha. Now Maddy is one of our top runners, top in the conference. Angie struggled her first semester. Sharlie wasn’t very fast my freshman year. Morgan went on a mission, was a walk on and rose up to be on the best team we’ve ever had and score, her whole class is gone now and those that went on missions with her never came back. Who would’ve thought she’d be the one to do that. Then he said if we could get me back to where I was in high school and faster, that would be a crazy story. Because he said he’s talked to a lot of different coaches and they’ve all struggled to get women back and running fast after they return from missions. Morgan and I are the only ones on the team, and we are by far the most successful in coming back. So I’m going to prove that wrong, just because I served a mission doesn’t mean my running career is done. Yes, it’s taken a lot longer for me than it takes the guys to get back. Yes it’s been a struggle. But I have gritted it out this long, I’ve lost 16 lbs, and I’m running faster now than I was last year. Two years ago, Maddy wasn’t running as fast as I am now. She was still coming back from her hamstring injury. Coach said I don’t have to worry about being kicked off the team anymore, he wants me here, the only thing I do have to worry about is my scholarship. But really, I’m just not gonna. As long as I do my best and work my hardest, that’s all I can ask of myself. I’ll use it as motivation to run fast, but I’m not gonna stress over it, since there’s nothing else I can do but work my hardest. 

The main takeaway was that the program is here, it’ll help me get there, but Coach said it’s up to me now. And for the first time, when he said I need to start running faster, picking up the paces and trying to hang onto the pack, it didn’t cause me stress, I wasn’t hesitant, I just accepted it. It is what it is, and for the first time I know I can do it and I’m 100% on board.

I’ll be staying at 8 miles a day and working on quickening my paces over the next few weeks. This is the time for volume and base building for track season, so normally I’d be increasing miles, but since I’ve been injury prone coach doesn’t want me above 8. We’ll be getting new bikes for the weight room soon so I can substitute that for extra miles, plus I’m swimming now for class, and I’ll start doing core every morning. Anything and everything to take it up to the next level. 

Today I started with just a 50% then decided once I got to Canyon Park that I’d pick it up. Ended up doing an 80%, not planned, on Canyon. Finished 3 miles in 19:30 (6:52, 6:18, 6:20). The 6:52 was the uphill mile, 6:18 partial up/downhill, 6:20 flat/slightly downhill. Felt good, legs were heavy, but I was motivated and was happy with how it went. Finished to 8.

Knee felt a little stiff before I started but my hip flexors were super tight/sore today too so I thought little of it. Started from my house took end part of Dikes to the hotels, then once I was on Main and somewhere around Fir street (so about 2 miles in) my knee was getting more annoying. Thought maybe it was just the downhill aggravating something. Got to Lin’s and each step became really painful, so I stopped. Started walking home, then about 3 minutes later my knee was feeling a little looser so I decided to try running again, wasn’t too bad, a couple steps in it the pain was dull. Was stopped at a light, stopping caused sharp pain, but running itself was alright. Went straight home. 

Woke up this morning, knee hurt. It was weight bearing and knee extension that caused sharp pain. Going up the stairs hurt bad. Went into the training room after classes (swimming was fine), it had warmed up with all the walking throughout the day so only stairs hurt now. Ligaments and meniscus are fine, thank goodness, it’s just my IT band that’s tight. I’m relieved. All the same, going with the injury prevention plan. Time off until I feel no pain, then increase miles slowly. Time to show my body some love and stop trying to tough out injuries.

Cross training... yasss. Biked 10ish miles in an hour. Was iffy about biking because thought it might hurt it but it was alright. A good alternative. Today is just not my day. Was on campus by the PE building when my tire popped, that was sketchy. Called a friend that lives close to campus, she let me borrow her bike for the rest of the way. I have such great friends :)

Met with Coach again, turns out the workouts he’s going to send are for winter break, we’ll be having workouts still after nationals. I won’t be doing steeplechase this year, Coach isn’t a fan of the steeplechase because it’s so tough/there’s so much impact on the body and can cause a lot of injuries. I’m kind of glad I’m not doing it anymore, I just want to be injury-free. For now Coach says I need to focus on getting my mile time down, but 5k is my strength. I guess once you get the speed down the 5k time comes down too, and I really just need to relearn how to run fast and hold it. 

30 minute bike

Swam with Bino for about 45 minutes to an hour

Wanted to run so I did. Pain had mostly subsided, could feel it a little. 2 miles in IT band became irritated so I turned around. Felt the couple days off even though I cross trained. 7:31 average. 

Good run with Jacey. 7:45 average. Still felt the time off a bit

Getting back into it! 7:23 average.

Our women’s team is going to nationals for the first time in SUU history!! And our men are going as well, it’s their 5th year in a row! I definitely signed with the right university, I love it here. Of course I didn’t know back then how much success we would have now, but that’s the fun part. I believed it could happen, so it’s not a complete surprise and we’ve all worked so hard, but crazy to see how our dreams, and coach’s dreams, came true. My freshman year coach told us that one day we’d win conference and go to nationals, just you wait. Now here we are, after 3 years of dreaming and hard work, it’s a reality: Conference champs and NCAA D1 national championship qualifiers! So crazy cool.

Ended up averaging 7:18. Felt decent, IT band still a little tight

Didn’t look at pace or distance. Just ran until I felt better. 7:02 average

I was tired today. 7:32 average

7:34 average

Main Street. Started with Jacey, got faster each mile. Jacey turned after just over a mile because she wasn't feeling well. Miles were 7:49, 7:23, 6:54, 6:46, 6:34. Cedar is a hill so the first 2 miles uphill, next 2 downhill, last one fairly flat. 7:05 average

I didn't mean to go fast, it just kind of happened.

7:24 average

Wasatch + VA loop, 7:18 average

9 miles in the forest, so pretty! I love Island Park. It was slow because of the snow, but it was so nice to relax and enjoy the scenery. 8:00 average

Slow run again. Too slippery to go 50% pace without risking injury. Took it easy so I could have more control and it felt really nice. My calves are really sore, I think from the slight adjustment in my stride to accommodate. 8:13 average

Ran in the snowy forest again :) I am so sore, which is so weird? My hip flexors are especially tight

7:47 average. Didn’t feel great but it was nice to be back in Cedar

Sometimes it’s hard to stay positive and relax when so much rides on being fast. My scholarship is most likely going to be lowered or cut after this year because I’m not fast enough. I understand why, they have to secure recruits and build up the program, but sometimes when I’m really sad I wonder if it’s even worth staying if it does get lowered or cut. Which it seems like it will. I love it here so much, I want to keep running and working towards my dreams, I want to improve off of my high school times but if coach is just letting me stay because he’s kind and wants to give everyone an opportunity but doesn’t really believe I’ll amount to anything, then why stay? He’s been telling me for over a year to look at my options, see if this is really what I want to do. It has been. That’s why I’ve stuck around for 2.5 years, even when it’s hard. It still is what I want to do. It’s still the best option for me. I think.

But doubt always creeps back in when I remember coach continually telling me I can’t travel if I’m not on pace, my scholarship will most likely be cut, that I have to keep up with the other group if I want to travel but how am I going to do that if I’m not even given the chance to train with them? Sometimes I just wish the stress would go away. If I could just relax and have fun while I’m here, I wouldn’t have an issue. I’m just tired of stressing about being good enough for coach. I’m tired of trying to prove that I’m worth something. I’m tired of trying to save my scholarship. I’m tired of watching all my friends quit and move on to other things and being the lone wolf in this group that doesn’t measure up. And I’m tired of always wishing for something I don’t have, like being a top runner that doesn’t have to worry about those things. 

I don’t know how to fix it, or even if I can. I guess all I can do is be grateful for what I do have let whatever happens, happen. Try not to let it worry me so much and just push through, endure, do what I can.

I guess I’m in the 800 group... sigh. More on that later.

Workout was 3x1k with 90 seconds rest and 3x400 with 30 seconds rest. It was just me and Jacey. I’d planned out to go for 3:35 for the first one and try to hold it for all 3 because in my last meeting with Coach he said I needed to be able to hold that pace, but right before we started he said several times that he wanted us to start at 3:50 and work down, that it was much better that way than dying as the workout progressed. I was confused, because I feel like I should be trying to hold and learn the pace? But okay. I’ll do what coach wants. 

Started with a 3:46, it felt way too relaxed and slow. I was antsy. But it was nice to stay together with Jacey. Next one I went ham. I thought well, I did what coach wanted! Now it’s time to push myself, or I’ll never get faster. Ended up with a 3:32. I was pumped, it was on my goal pace (and coach said the range was 3:35-3:50 I think) and it didn’t feel too bad! But I got anxious after because my muscles tightened up on the recovery and I didn’t feel relaxed anymore. Tried relaxing and just running smooth. Ended with 3:42.

Next were the 400s. After the third 1000, to be honest I didn’t know how to handle the pain. I’m not used to going fast. And I’ve been so stressed out lately. Wanted to drop out. But forced myself to run the 400s. First was just me trying to finish. 98. Next one I was able to push myself a little, at the 200 I saw how slow it was and started getting overwhelmed. Finished with 92. Then couldn’t breathe. I was wheezing. Don’t know if it was asthma from the cold or just anxiety combined with an intense workout. So I didn’t do the last one. 

Cooled down a mile with Jacey then 4 more with Sharlie (Angie was there too for the first half mile). 9 total for the day. 

Frustrated because I never feel like I’m good enough for coach. I’m trying so hard and I just want to be able to run with the group and not feel like I’m sub par. Coach and Paul both seemed happy with my 3:32 1k, at least I know I can run the pace I just have to work on holding it and pushing through the pain.

When I asked coach if I was supposed to be in the 800 group (he’d told me in our meeting a few weeks ago I’d be doing the 5k so I assumed that meant 5k group) he said this 800 group is for those that he is trying to develop, plus the 800 runners, because he wants to keep the other group together. And obviously I’m not an 800 runner. I’m just sad and frustrated because it feels like I’m never going to be good enough for coach. I’ve been trying for 2.5 years of running here to be good enough. And I just feel like I’m so slow and I’m fighting it and trying to become confident because I’ve always struggled with self-esteem since before I can remember. But I know that when I do have confidence in myself, that’s when I’ve had amazing races and great workouts, and to be honest that’s when I’ve been able to excel at anything I set my mind to not just running. But I am improving and I’ve had some promising workouts, and I’ve had some major setbacks due to injury and time off for my mission so I’m pushing through and eventually, hopefully, I’ll finally have a breakthrough. 

It was good to talk to Jacey. She reminded me that Morgan is the exception for women who return from missions, and me, too. That every other RM has quit or just not come back, none seeing really any success. Morgan’s killing it and well, at least I’m still here.

It was also good to talk to Sharlie. She said that for 3 years she hadn’t improved either, she struggled and worked hard. Thinned out and managed nutrition better but nothing major changed, then one day she ran a 4:20 1500 and it didn’t feel that difficult and she’s been fast ever since. I’m gonna hold out the hope that it’ll happen for me, too. I’ve thinned out too, I’m eating a lot better than my freshman year, and I’m working as hard as I can. One day it’ll pay off. Hopefully. And if not, at least I’ll know I gave it my all and I’ll be grateful for the opportunity I had to run in college. 

5 miles. After 2 miles I picked it up, it felt good to run it out. Splits were 7:45, 7:59, 6:44, 6:45, 6:46. 7:13 average.

Today was a pretty bad day for depression. Couldn't get myself to go to weights or classes. I forced myself to go to swim class in the afternoon. That's got to count for something. I didn't even want to run but I forced myself to go out for that, too, after swim. I also did a bit of cleaning around the house. I got none of the important things I needed to done, but at least I did something? Sigh. I still don't want to do anything. I'm tired and sad and have no motivation.

I might try medication again soon. My next meeting with the sports psychologist is next week. I've been meeting with him a lot this semester. Who knows maybe one day I'll find the right medication and it'll no longer be such an issue. I gave up trying to find the right one around this time last year because of the side effects.

The sports psychologist pointed out that the things happening in my life are enough to cause anyone to grieve or stress out (and it's not just running/school/work). But my depression and anxiety cause me to get wrapped up in them, to the point of not eating or overeating or missing appointments or not being able to focus or not having the energy or motivation to do the things I need to. Really it makes it nearly impossible to function like normal. This summer I didn't eat much. Got my appetite back at the end of the summer/beginning of the semester, but I can feel it leaving again. When I'm particularly stressed sometimes I turn to food and eat and eat to feel better, but that happens less than missing meals.

I'm learning how to refocus and bring my thoughts back to what I'm doing instead of letting my anxiety skyrocket. I'm still terrible at it, but Ron said it's a skill that can be learned. And I'm trying not to criticize myself so much. I am my worst critic.

As for running, it's one of the only things that helps me feel slightly better. Even if I'm not good enough for coach, it's still my outlet. But I'm frustrated about things never changing. I thought that when we transitioned from cross to track we'd stay true to our event groups. But I should've known from past years that coach always puts the slow ones in the 800 group. I've never been one of those, until now. Almost all of those slower than me have quit the team. But this is an opportunity most people don't get. I'm still able to run and be a part of the team, and an amazing one at that.

Anyways. I don't feel like I'm needed or wanted here. But you know, that's okay. I've decided that I'll be that person that sticks around when others don't. I'll be that person that pushes through even when it feels like the walls are closing in. I'll endure and grit it out in the hopes that a miracle will happen and that I'll have a breakthrough. And really, I'm just grateful every day for being able to continue to do what I love. For such patient and understanding coaches. And for awesome teammates, even though I don't see most of them much. They're still supportive and encouraging and I love them so much.

7:39 average. Sooo windy. Got a bloody nose at mile 5, had to use my shirt to soak up the blood cause it wouldn’t stop. A guy in a truck stopped and asked if I was ok, I probably looked a mess haha. There are some nice people in Cedar City

Ran with Yoli. Chest felt tight, weird? 7:42 average