Sock tans

Started on Foothill then cut up 1700 S to Wasatch. 8:08 average

My therapist told me today she could tell I was depressed...just from talking with me. She said I'm definitely on a downswing right now. The weather changing could have an effect. Weird because I didn't feel that depressed today. But I suppose I'm still more mellow and tired than normal.

Depression is kicking in. Idk why but it felt more present today. Everything feels dull. I must say, I think I prefer hypomania. Though I haven't quite mastered how to tone it down so that I'm not making impulsive and unwise decisions on a whim. So in that regard maybe depression is a good thing.

On a scale from 0-10 today is:

Hypomania: 0

Depression: 7

Suicidal ideation: 1

I had a psychiatry appointment today, we are upping a dose of one of my mood stabilizers. Hopefully that helps.

Depression made it especially difficult to get out and run. I didn't. 

I put in my two weeks notice today at my Physical Therapy job. I'll be starting up a higher paying job shortly.

I'm hoping I'll be able to pay off most if not all of my medical bills by March. I was debating whether or not I should take the last class I need for my Associates this spring semester, but since March has been my downfall two years in a row I think I'll just work and try not to crash super bad again this winter then take that class in the summer or fall. 

Hypomania: 0

Depression: 7

Suicidal ideation: 1

Out and back on Foothill. Enjoyed the probable last day above 70 degrees for the year, I think we completely skipped fall this year. Lol it's supposed to snow again on Sunday

Hypomania: 0

Depression: 7

Suicidal ideation: 4

Wasatch loop

On Thursday I have neuropsych testing for my memory loss. I'm pretty nervous about the whole thing, not necessarily the testing but what it might find. I will find out those results on December 9th when I see the neurologist again. If they are inconclusive, then we'll see about doing an MRI.

I'm told this testing is frustrating for those being tested because when they find a weakness they nab at it until they really understand the full extent of the disability, which means really zeroing in on that weakness. 3 hours of that.

It's coming up on a year since I started trying to get in to see a neurologist (in December). I think COVID helped with that. I'm glad that it's finally happening, but I'm nervous.

My mom says I've done this testing before, once when I was 6 and once when I was 17. I don't remember it. Another one of those moments where it was significant enough to where I should remember it, but I don't. It's terribly frustrating. She said the results back then showed I had short-term memory loss. When I asked her if it was even worth doing again if I've done it before she said yes, that my memory has gotten a lot worse since then. Well look at that folks I'm a real-life Dory

I saw Sasha's comment before I left and decided to switch things up. I ran to the East High track and did a lap, stretched and did 2 strides before starting. I did 2x400 aiming for sub-2:00, but hoping for sub-90. I hit 83, 90. Then ran back home.

Like Sasha suggested, I'm going to try doing a 400 every run aiming for sub-2:00. Thank you Sasha :)

Out and back on Foothill. I didn't end up doing the 400 because it was dark and snowy and I wasn't sure if the track would be open :/ next time.

3 miles with Ashley on a trail right behind Lagoon

We're going to start running together once a week. I'm excited

Wasatch loop. I just haven't been motivated to do the 400. I haven't been motivated much about anything. It's just a symptom of my depression. However, I really want to get back up to 30 miles a week, maybe even 40. I've lost a lot of strength because I've been doing next to nothing for the past couple months, so I'll have to build up slowly. First starting with running every day, even if it's only 3 or 4 miles. Then increasing mileage. I want to get back to doing long runs that are 10+ miles each week. I just have to find the motivation and dedication to run when I'm tired from work and my depression is telling me to go to bed. I need something to work hard for, I need to be putting in more effort than I have been. And that goes for more than just running. I need to set new goals and figure out what the heck I'm doing with my life. 

Wasatch loop, but added in 2x400 in the middle on the flattest part of Wasatch. I was originally only going to do one but I wasn't satisfied with the first. I know 2:00 is the goal, I get competitive with myself and it's hard for me to see 2:00 as success. It automatically feels like only under 90 is success. But for these, 2:00 is the measurement. I ran 95, 86. It's surprisingly difficult to hit a 400 time on the road. Then finished the loop back home. 

I got my neuropsych results back... they were less than satisfactory. More on that later. We're meeting with the neurologist to discuss it further on Friday.

The results showed everything we suspected- a decline in memory function from my neuropsych exam 6 years ago. I scored as severely impaired on all memory tests except a recognition one, which was considered intact. I scored borderline, low average and average on language tests. Visiospacial/construction was well above average, scoring in the 90th and 91st percentile. Processing speed was mildly impaired to borderline, working memory was low average, premorbid intellect in the high average range with 75th percentile. As compared to my previous neuropsych exam, all was stable except: my ability to learn verbal information dropped from the 63rd percentile in 2014 to the 1st percentile in 2020. Delayed recall of verbal information dropped from the 75th percentile to the <1 percentile. These types of declines were present in tests of visual memory. (2014: 25th-34th percentiles, 2020: 1st percentile). Depression and anxiety seem to have improved since 2014's test (interesting).

All informative results, so why the frustration? Well, the neurologist while evaluating the data repeatedly stated I put in "poor effort, especially on memory." Then says that as such, the results aren't accurate and should be "viewed with caution." The thing is, I tried very hard on every test, including the memory ones. With his interpretation of my results, this neuropsych evaluation means nothing. It was basically a waste of time and money.

So we had the meeting with the neurologist today. It was actually very informative, but ultimately doesn't change much. He agreed to amend his report to include some of the details he discussed with us and change some of the wording to properly convey his meaning. We had interpreted it differently than what he meant.

By effort, he didn't mean whether or not I applied myself. He meant I worked at a percentage of the capacity I could've due to my depression. I don't necessarily like that he's blaming all my memory problems on my depression. I feel like there's more going on than just depression- after all my memory is so bad. But I could understand how he'd come to that conclusion. Essentially I performed so terribly on a couple of tests that he can't explain why I'd scored so low. I scored lower than what those with diagnosed brain injuries would typically get. And the CT scan from March is essentially unremarkable. So his conclusion was depression.

He says I tend to underestimate how bad my depression really is. My parents agreed. My mom noted how feelig good to me was like feeling like you were drowning to someone else, probably because I have experienced worse and so it feels relatively good to be only moderately depressed. Yay for that lol

He said that most areas of my test are accurate. All except for memory. I can choose to retake the test in a year if desired, for insurance reasons. 

I wonder what this will mean for my neurology appointment in December. I might proceed with an MRI just to rule everything else out once and for all. Then focus on managing depression as the treatment for memory issues. 

Out and back on Foothill. My dad might have COVID-19. He got tested this morning, we will find out tomorrow. He was showing symptoms, the main one being that he smells and tastes burning metal. I most likely don't have it seeing as I tested negative on Thursday (I get tested every week since I work on a COVID-19 testing site). But that doesn't mean I can't get it in the next few days. 

The good thing is that this is probably the best time to get it. We'll have to quarantine for a while if he gets a positive result, but I'm only supposed to work one day next week so it's not like I'm out of working a lot of hours, and with it being the holidays my sisters' activities like dance and soccer are put on hold anyways.

My dad tested positive :( I've been having a few minor symptoms including a scratchy throat, weird taste/smell (it's mostly gone now), runny nose and feeling really tired. I suppose it was only a matter of time before it came to my family. Now I'll have to quarantine so no running for idk how long. I'll try to do some strength exercises maybe, idk. 

My mom now has it. She had body aches through the night. My mom, Hattie and I are going to get tested tomorrow morning.

Got out for a run this morning. I felt tired.

I switched up my route which I should probably do more often (my watch was dead so I mapped it out once I got home to get the distance). Went up to Foothill then cut across to 9th S and down to the East High track. Then did a 400. My legs felt heavy. I used my phone to get the time, it was 85. Then ran back home.

My dad went to the doctor today because he's been having trouble breathing. He says he's okay now though. The doctor said his vitals look good, especially for a COVID patient. My mom reports burning in her chest and ushered me out of their room so that I don't catch it, especially because of my asthma. My mom, sister and I got tested this morning. We'll get those results in 24-36 hours. My guess is I'll be negative. But we'll see. 

Didn't feel great on the run today. I just did an out and back. 

All 3 of us tested negative, but we think my mom's test was a false negative. My mom talked to my uncle who is a doctor and he said there's no way she doesn't have it, she's been sleeping in the same bed and is showing major symptoms. Mine and Hattie's were probably accurate. Both of us are showing minor symptoms (I have a stuffy nose and Hattie feels exhausted) but other than that we're fine, so maybe a cold? Allergies? Idk. Also I randomly got pink eye which isn't a symptom but it's annoying haha

So, all in all kind of what we expected. Not sure what the likelihood of me not getting it is, but I hope that I don't.

I also had therapy today (via zoom) and we did a re-evaluation of PTSD and mood disorder symptoms. I no longer have PTSD! I didn't know that they could cure PTSD through therapy, but apparently you can :) I'm really happy about that. Also my levels were consistent with a mood disorder so that's expected lol. I was like one point away from eating disorder but I can attest I no longer have one. I'm getting in 3 meals a day (I've been tracking it along with my mood for the past 2 months).

Today I started as if to do VA loop then cut down Sunnyside to the East High track. Did a couple strides and stretched before starting the 400. Right before I had the thought, "let's try to break 80." I wasn't confident I would, but I did! I ran a 79. It definitely felt all out so that's all I can do right now, but I was happy with it. Then ran back home. 

I find it really lucky I haven't got COVID yet. But I've been taking measures to stay away from it, like staying in my room all day. Which is kinda boring but worth it if it means I don't get it. Also taking vitamin C, vitamin D, and some other pill my mom said helps I just forgot what it is lol. Zinc? I think that's it. I'm going to add some of the ones Sasha suggested too

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Out and back on Foothill, 8:17 average. 

Hattie wanted to run with me today. We did the 1700 S loop (1.65 miles). Our first mile was 7:15. Once we got back home I added on 1900 E to 4 miles.

Started at the East track and did Shriner's run out and back. 8:24 average. Then stretched, did a couple strides and did a 400. I hit another 79! It felt all out again lol.

I think that my legs are weak. I think that's why running is so rough for me right now. I know I could go faster, I have the speed, it just doesn't feel comfortable. And feels not very smooth when I try, like my legs are weak. But that's probably the funk I need to get out of, running shouldn't feel comfortable all the time. It's hard to push myself when I'm alone.