Sock tans

Long time no blog. I've run here and there, the last time I ran before this was the day of the Olympic Marathon Trials last week. I've fallen out of the habit of running and would love to get back into it. Today felt really nice, it was upper 30s so warm! At least for Rexburg. It was a good run, 7:37 average. 

My mental health has been kind of in the drain as of late. It's partially why it's difficult for me to get out and run, though a lot of that is also because of the snow. Anyways, this past week has been pretty difficult in particular, Sawyer has helped me out a lot. Today he called my parents and they surprised me by coming to pick me up in Rexburg. Plan right now is to go back to the University Neuropsychiatric Unit at the University of Utah. Sawyer and my parents helped me to load up all of my stuff in the car so now I'm moved out, this was all very unexpected. But probably needed, I've had some severe suicidal ideation. I've broken honor code to stay over at Sawyer's house the past couple of nights just because I didn't feel safe alone or at my house, I also gave Sawyer my entire stash of pills/vitamins because the way I'd have chosen to go was an overdose. I've also been self-harming and tempted to attempt suicide in other ways. So, yeah, basically I'm in a rough spot but now I'm getting help. Hopefully things can improve again. It's been almost exactly a year since I was admitted to the hospital for mental health reasons. Beginning of March/end of February must be a bad time for me. It's a little more complicated this time around because it's not just depression, I've been experiencing mania. Proof that I have bipolar disorder and not major depressive disorder. 

I was discharged from the hospital today. It was suuuuper nice outside, almost 60 degrees! So I went running. I'm super out of shape tho.

Strange to get out of the hospital and see that the world is in shambles because of the coronavirus. All of the colleges are now strictly online, including BYUI. All of my friends are heading back home. All NCAA competitions have been cancelled as well, strange to think about what it would've been like had I stayed at SUU.

Never before have I felt so lost and uncertain about the future. Usually I like to have an idea of what the next x months will look like, I don't even know what's going to happen a month from now. For now, I'm just grieving because of the mental illness I have. I didn't know it would affect my life so much. I've felt a lot of guilt and shame because of it, but my mom put it in perspective by pointing out that if my sister had leukemia they wouldn't be frustrated with her, it's out of her control. Just as my mental illness is out of mine. I didn't help manage it this year like I should've and there's some frustration there because of that, but overall I wouldn't have chosen to be where I am right now.

The good news is that I've been diagnosed with bipolar II disorder, which is better than bipolar I. It means I'm more likely to be able to function well in society. I've only experienced hypomanic episodes, but if I were to experience a full-fledged manic episode I'd then be diagnosed with bipolar I disorder. I'm still on the wait list to see a neurologist, the doctors determined that my memory issues don't require immediate attention. It'll actually be better to wait a few weeks before getting them addressed because it could be explained by fetal alcohol syndrome, ECT treatments, and my instability due to bipolar depression. If I can get my mood stabilized that'll help them to know what's more an underlying issue vs. a symptom of my bipolar disorder. 

I'm very grateful to Sawyer for calling my family and getting me the help I needed. Our future has been put on hold, now's not really the time to be making any major decisions like wedding plans. First I need to get healthy, then we can talk about the future. I won't be going back to BYUI (we've decided that the traditional way of going away to college just isn't something I can do right now, I'll be looking at other options. Either transitioning to working full-time or doing BYU pathway so I can go at my own pace and work on it from home, or transferring to a more local university or college so I can commute). so I'm really not sure what I'm going to be doing from now on. But everything will work out in the end, one way or another. 

Out and back on VA loop. Sawyer drove down from Rexburg today and I rode back with him so I could get my car back. It was probably my last time seeing a lot of my Rexburg friends, seeing as I most likely won't be going back to BYUI. We hiked Antelope island before heading back

Wasatch loop, 7:42 average. Felt decent, though I'm definitely out of shape. Slowly but surely I'll get back into it, I've just got to be consistent. Salt Lake is so much nicer out than Rexburg haha. It was almost in the 60s

Millie and Tessa wanted to go running today so I took them out for a run :) they made it 1.25 miles at about 11:15/mile pace, it was farther than I thought they'd go. I was impressed their tiny legs made it haha. Anyways, then I added two more miles. I think my meds make me tired cuz I've been exhausted the past little bit. My ankle/foot was bugging a little.

I used today's earthquake as an excuse not to run. It was 5.7 in magnitude, largest aftershock was 4.6

VA loop. I feel really lethargic. 

I was readmitted to the hospital on Tuesday, this time at the University Neuropsychiatric Unit, 4 North AKA the suicidal unit. Wooo. Anyways, I think this time is different, it's been helpful to be here. I've learned a lot of new things and am having my medications tweaked, the psychiatrist said that no one really stays at the dose that I was on, that it was a starter dose. So they doubled it. The tricky part is knowing when I'm okay to go home because depression/bipolar meds don't typically kick in for a few weeks. But the one I'm on typically you feel the effects quicker than others so that's a positive, plus it's a good medication on its own. It does its job well, according to my psychiatrist. It's just a newer medication and therefore very pricey. Meh but if it keeps me functional it's worth it.

At this point we're thinking I'll be discharged Monday, but we will see. I'm seeing a psychologist/therapist everyday, as well as a dietician who will help me with my eating habits. Also the psychiatrist and a social worker every day. And then we have group therapy all throughout the day every day, so it's a great place to get the help I need. It's a little different to be back a year later and not have my mind groggy from ECT treatments.

I'm doing better and slowly but surely finding the drive to want to help myself. I've needed help learning how I can best do that but I'm learning. And I've felt more motivation come back even just in the past couple of days, and now I have a goal in life once more. Something to work towards- becoming a recreational therapist. I sort of lost sight of that/ wasn't so sure if I wanted to do it, but I've met a couple recreational therapists in the past few weeks and they have been very, very helpful to me. I want to be able to help others the way they have me, and I feel as though it's a measureable goal I can achieve. I do doubt myself a little bit because my parents have suggested that the traditional way of going away to college might not be a plausible option for me anymore because I've struggled in school so much the past 2 years, but at the same time I don't want to just give up. I've learned about better resources that can help me and if I can get my depression/bipolar stuff under control I know I'll be capable of a lot more. So, really, my focus right now should be on getting better, but I'm grateful to have somewhere else to go when I've achieved that, or at least a goal.