Sock tans

It's been a crazy week, I'm still in the hospital. I'm set to discharge tomorrow. I got a fever and what does that mean? Quarantine! Got the full workup and was greeted with the blue gowns, masks and everything for almost 2 days. I just barely got released from quarantine maybe 25 minutes ago (so around 9:20pm). I wasn't allowed outside of my room. Got tested for COVID-19 and it came back negative, then got tested for Influenza A and B and both were negative as well, which is all good news. However, my parents are very cautious and want me to be quarantined once I go home as well, because they're not sure how reliable a negative test result is for COVID-19 what with it being such a new virus and all. My dad says I could've been tested too early or something, that a fever coming and going and coming again is one of the signs. I also have a stuffy nose and when I tried running earlier this week (found out about an outdoor courtyard and took advantage running laps) my throat/chest hurt and I started wheezing slightly. So, we'll be cautious. Mostly because my grandpa is going through cancer treatments and my dad wants to be able to go see him if he needs him and know he's COVID free (they've created a safe environment at home as they've been self-isolating for a few weeks now).

As for mental health, I'm doing a lot better. My lithium levels were tested this morning and came back at 0.5, which is just under the therapeutic range. I believe the therapeutic range is 0.6-1.2. I'm taking lithium as a mood stabilizer (which is apparently much stronger than Latuda, one of the strongest mood stabilizers and most effective for bipolar disorder), as well as a doubled dose of Latuda, from what I was taking prior to this hospital visit. I feel much more stable now and more like myself, which is all very positive. I've been here for 11.5 days now and the longer time period is to make sure I leave here with my medications managed at a level that will keep me from bouncing back to another hospital visit. My doctors and I are confident that we are now at that point, which is awesome. I really feel like things are going to be different from here on out and I'm glad to have finally figured out something that manages both my depressive and hypomanic states. Being hypomanic is awesome until my mood drops, and even then it negatively impacts my life when it leads me to making impulsive decisions. So to have that figured out really is a true blessing.

Out and back on Foothill. First mile sucked, my lungs hurt. But then after that is was okay, my legs felt great and it was awesome to get outside. The last mile I picked it up and my legs felt it. I'm a bit sore from it actually. I'm out of shape currently, I mean it's been a long time since I've been consistent with running. I hope to be more consistent over the next couple of weeks and get back into the swing of things and allow my body to ease back into it. 

Out and back on Foothill

VA loop. My gut hurt pretty dang bad on the way back

Foothill again. Slowly getting back into it. My gut hurts after like 1.5 to 2 miles in, hopefully this goes away soon. Other than that, running feels really nice. 

Out and back on Foothill again. It was a really nice day and I didn't feel like I was ready to be done, but I want to ease back into running and not go to town on mileage then get injured. I probably could've done a few more miles, but I was in the mood for longer. I wanted to soak up the sun. So instead I biked up emigration canyon. I made it to the switchback and up a little ways. I got off my bike to take in the view and ohh my legs. I didn't realize how tired they were until I stopped. But it's cool, it was much faster going down than coming up. From my house to that point and back took me an hour and 32 minutes. Not a real biker haha there were tons of people out biking and passing me but I was happy with it. 

This reminded me of how competitive I can get. It helps when trying to run fast for the most part, but sometimes that competitive spirit shows up in other areas when I'm otherwise trying to enjoy myself. Which is perfectly fine, I'm just trying to have a better attitude and stop putting myself down when I don't perform as well as others. This is a trap I've found myself caught in for many years. I keep wanting to tell myself oh, I'm out of shape so as to give an excuse as to why I'm not performing as well as the next person and lower the bar of expectation. But instead what I want to do is be grateful for what my body can do and be accepting of the limits it has. Then work on pushing those limits farther and farther, while still maintaining an appreciation and enjoyment of what my body can do. Rather than being so concerned about what others think of the times or miles I run, because realistically it'll never be enough especially now as I'm getting back into shape, I want to focus on my progress and the improvement that I can make each day. I want to be satisfied with the work I put in and be more forgiving of myself for mistakes that I make. And I want to be more focused on the positives than on the negatives. I want to believe in myself rather than tell myself I can't do something because of this, this and this. I want to believe that anything is possible if I put in enough time and effort into it. 

AM: Yesterday was Good Friday and President Nelson had invited everyone who wanted to participate in a worldwide fast. Unfortunately I forgot that it was yesterday and had already eaten a bowl of cereal when I realized it was Friday, so I decided to fast today instead. So this morning I went out for a run having had no food and only a tiny sip of water to take my morning medication. A half mile in I changed my mind and I decided to turn around with the intention of running later this evening when I have some food in me (I have to eat dinner because Latuda has to be taken with a meal, otherwise it's not absorbed properly). So a good 1 mile shakeout.

This is the first time in 5 months that I have run every day of the week. Booya. 

I almost didn't go running today but I forced myself to go. Ended up being pretty decent. 

Sawyer dropped by afterwards, it was the first time seeing him face to face in about a month. He says he'll drop by once more before he heads to Iowa. 

Almost didn't go again but I'm glad I did. This was the first run in this batch of running that felt relaxed and smooth. No stomach pain. Felt really good. 

Wasatch loop again, this time with stomach cramps and rain :) but it still was nice. I was surprised to find my average pace was 7:46, I felt like I was going pretty slow. It was nice and relaxed. 

Wasatch loop, 7:40 average. I stopped and walked for a minute 3 times. Then stopped to fix my hair once. But hey I'm getting back into shape so I'll cut myself some slack. I'm going to make it a goal to stop taking walk breaks during runs. And make that the usual once more. 

VA loop. I felt really good! Felt like I was moving well. I didn't bring my garmin this time because I had cramps before I started and expected it to not feel good. I didn't want to discourage myself further by looking at my pace. But surprisingly it felt great :) and I made it the whole way without stopping to walk for a minute, which is an accomplishment. Met my goal :) I'm surprised at how quickly I'm getting back into it. I expected to feel crappy for a couple more weeks before it started to feel nice. I'm grateful for that. 

Shriner's run. I started with a soaking wet shoe because I'd been staining our fences beforehand, then went to wash the paintbrushes and forgot I was wearing my running shoes, they got sprayed. My hammies are sore, I'll probably back it off on miles beginning of next week if they're still sore. I just don't want to increase miles too fast, second week back and almost 30 miles, up 10 from last week

Out and back on Foothill

Shriner's run, 7:54 average.

Wasatch loop, 7:53 average

VA loop

Meant to go running this evening after I finished staining the fence, then got a call from Sister Wilde from my mission. It ended up being an almost 4 hour call, and by the time we finished it was 11 pm. But it was really awesome to catch up with her and see what's the DL from Missouri. She's the sweetest lady. President Monson was her husband's mission president. She always knows how to uplift me and get me excited about things, brings to surface the missionary in me. It was exactly what I needed, I've been stressing about what to do in life now that things are so out of whack and it hit me- trust in the Lord and everything will be okay. I'll be directed where I need to go. 

Wasatch loop to the zoo. Felt really great, nice and relaxed

AM: Wasatch loop. I'm starting to feel like I'm actually getting back in shape. Running is feeling really good, I'm getting excited about starting to increase miles this week. Thinking about doing two a days, both to help with mileage and to give me something to do in the evenings to release built up energy from boredom. 

I haven't been taking a watch with me because I want to run at a pace that feels good and enjoy my runs. All of these runs I've memorized the length of. I don't want to be so caught up with hitting a specific pace that I obsess over it. For now, I want to go with the higher miles less intensity approach to getting into shape. Build up my base. Then I'll see how I feel about introducing speed work, fartlek, hills, etc. once I do that though I want to have a goal, a time-trial or a race to be working for. 

PM: VA loop, 4 miles. I love night runs, I always feel so much better in the evenings.

Today I had a therapy Zoom call and I also went back up to UNI for a psychiatry appointment to check in with meds. Everything is good so far- no suicidal thoughts, no depression, no self-harm, and also (as far as I can tell) no hypomania since my hospital stay. Which is great- it means my meds are working.

With that being said- today's therapy session surprised me. Here I've been feeling like I'm doing alright, and considering everything that's happened I'd say that I am. But I was surprised to realize that even though I feel okay day to day, deep down there's a lot of stuff going on. One thing my therapist pointed out that I'd never considered before was that I'm grieving my diagnosis. For a long time I was in denial. Now who knows where I am. And of course everything that happened has thrown my whole life up in the air. Am I going to go back to school and finish my degree? Am I going to go back to BYUI? Am I going to finish out at the U? Or am I just going to start working and making a living? Can I finish what I set out to do? And is it okay if I don't?  So many uncertainties.

Started at Sugarhouse and did Cemetery run. 7:51 average (yes I measured this one because I couldn't remember how far it was). My legs were heavy, but otherwise I felt good. I'll start out small with the two a days, maybe 2 a week? Idk I'll see how I feel. 

Today I went with Hattie for her workout, her soccer coach has been giving them workouts to do on their own each day because of the coronavirus. I'll be going with her for more of her running workouts. Today's was a 12 minute jog out one way, then pick up the pace and run back the same way in under 10 minutes. It was kind of fun, but I don't think Hattie enjoyed it haha. She said she needed to puke. Without breaks she did it in 9 minutes and one second (7:13 pace), with breaks it was 10 minutes and 32 seconds (8:26 pace). It made me want to run a mile time trial just to see where I'm at. Maybe another day haha. 

Afterward I went to Liberty Park and did 2 laps.

Wasatch loop. It was windy and my legs were tired.