Sock tans

ECT early this morning. I have to be watched 24/7 because I have a slight risk of unintended seizures with my ECT treatments. So my sister Hattie was kind enough to come with me to Bonneville Elementary School in the afternoon and I ran laps while she played with her soccer ball. I’m already out of shape, sigh. But I was glad that I could run today. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to after becoming aware of how much swimming with my sisters the other day took out of me. But it wasn’t too bad :) 8:00 average

2 miles on the treadmill. I’m sore from yesterday, which is kind of sad.

I’m trying to figure out housing for next year. My parents are mad because the room I had this year is in the basement and doesn’t have a real window to outside, the window goes into the hallway, which then has a window to the outside stairway. It was probably the worst room for me to stay in since I struggle with depression. Currently trying to find a place and secure an upstairs room, found one close to campus that I really like and will probably take. It’s cheap, too. Just trying to work things out with friends so we can live together. 

My memory loss is driving me insane. I can’t remember the simplest things. Makes it really difficult to figure things out

Laps at Bonneville Elementary again. 7:40 average

My mom says that we have an appointment with the doctor Monday morning and he’ll determine if I need more ECT appointments or if I’m good now. I might not need any more. 

Went to my sister’s soccer practice and ran at the dirt track again. 4 miles, 7:02 average. I’m out of shape, stopped once two miles in to stretch and catch my breath. Next time I won’t!

They’re filming High School Musical 4 in my neighborhood (I’m an East High alumnus remember?), we drove by to try to spy Zac Efron but we couldn’t see him :(

Didn’t end up running today. I wasn’t in the mood to run laps at Bonneville Elementary or run on the treadmill (my only two options since I have to be monitored at all times for unintended seizures- my dad says no to going to a high school track because of high school team practices). Only a little bit longer, then I can start running alone wherever and whenever I want.

My memory has improved. I still forget things every so often, but I’ve surprised my family with some things I’ve been able to remember. I felt terrible though because I forgot that today is my sister Hattie’s birthday. Usually I’m on top of birthdays. But I guess I have an excuse for forgetting haha. 

Anyways, today my dad and younger sisters Millie and Tessa came with me over to the East High track. Millie and Tess rode theirs scooters and I ran, my dad chilled on the bench lol. My first two miles were a bit quick, I didn’t intend them to be. It just kind of happened- 13:43 (6:52/mile). Then I stopped and stretched by the fence for a minute, Millie and Tess dropped their scooters and grabbed the fence to start stretching too to mimic me, it was really funny hahaha. They’re so cute. Then I continued but slowed because I’m out of shape and can’t hold that pace anymore (kinda sad but it’s reality). 4 miles total

We meet with the doctor on Monday to determine if I need more ECT appointments or if I’m okay to just stay on Prozac. My mood is about an 8 today. I feel loads better than I did just a bit ago, but I’m not sure if I’m in a super extra stellar mood. But I feel good. I know you can’t have amazing days all the time, but having a mood disorder makes it difficult to know what’s “normal” haha. I’m certainly not depressed anymore. Probably the first time I can confidently and 100% say that since October 2015 (I was diagnosed with depression on my mission in August 2016- my first major depressive episode happened in October/November 2015 and I’ve been mostly down in the trenches since then (usually 3-5), but have occasionally come up feeling pretty good like at a 6-8 for a month or so). Anyways, the last 10 months I’ve been down at about a 0-3, the month leading up to my hospitalizations I was 0-1 every day. I guess I should say when I’m alone I’m these numbers. When I’m with friends, you can add 1-2 to it. I isolated myself for the majority of the month leading up to my hospitalizations and being with people didn’t help at all there at the end, I was pretty ready to be done with life after staying down at 0-3 for so long. Death honestly seemed better than continuing to live like that. But yeah, it’s been a rough ride for a while, I hope the Prozac works for me (I’ve tried Escitalopram, Celexa, Wellbutrin, Duloxetine, and Pristiq and none of them worked well enough- and one I had a bad allergic reaction to). I guess ECT is for rapid improvement in symptoms but you need to take an antidepressant to keep depressive symptoms at bay, if antidepressants still don’t work then I think the doctor said something about a maintenance ECT program. Idk, this is all my second hand information after asking my dad about a hundred times the same questions, so hopefully I remembered correctly. if I write it down I’ll remember it. I’ll edit it if I find out I’m wrong hahaha.

24/7 supervision has come to an end :) So I finally got to go running by myself wherever I wanted. It was sooo nice and felt so good. I’m still terribly out of shape, but it’s amazing how much better running feels after my ECT appointments, even despite being physically less fit. I’m excited for what this means for running in the future. Maybe my depression is what’s been holding me back all this time, and why I haven’t “adapted” to coach’s program like all the rest of my teammates. I still haven’t gotten much faster from high school. It’s been discouraging because coach told me a while ago I have him scratching his head wondering what to do with me because I am not adjusting like my teammates. My high school times were faster than some of my teammates, and yet I’m the slowest on the team. Anyways, I’m just excited because maybe this means I’ll actually start making major improvements. I remember talking with one of my teammates who also emergency withdrew from this semester because of depression while I was still in Cedar (so before all this happened) and we got to talking about running/depression and she exclaimed, “it’s like I can’t run through pain!” I was really surprised. She’s the one I was neck and neck with in high school that has now blown me out of the water lol. She’s so fast. I never really gave that much thought because I’ve been struggling with depression since my freshman year here and I’ve pushed through pain in workouts, the only way to get through effort weeks is to push through pain, so I thought nah that’s not really what I’ve experienced, but maybe it actually is... maybe that’s why I’m not improving. Maybe I haven’t been able to push through pain as well as I used to, because I have been severely depressed. I guess we’ll find out next fall :)

VA loop, 7:50 average.

———

We met with one of the doctors tonight, it was very informative. Takeaways are that I’m done (for the time being) with ECT, I’m supposed to go back in 3 weeks to check in on how I’m doing. I had 7 ECT treatments, the normal is 10-12 but sometimes they go up to 14. If I seem to dip back down in the next couple weeks they may schedule another treatment and re-evaluate. But for now I’m done with ECT. I will start taking another medication by the end of the week, I’m not used to having to take so many different medications. But all of them have their different purposes.

My mom says I should start journaling so I can have a record of my mood/symptoms. That’s probably a good idea, but I’m terrible at keeping paper journals. Maybe I’ll just keep track on here as well, at least for a little while to reference while I need to evaluate how my medications/treatments are working. Y’all could probably care less, but it’ll be good to have for my own record.

Today’s mood/symptoms: I’m a 7. Very forgetful. I had memory issues (normal side effect of ECT, though the doctor did say my memory loss is more severe than normal). I can’t seem to think very hard - my mind goes kinda blank after too much effort. And sometimes when I try to remember things it’s like that part of my brain just can’t be accessed at all or is missing. I’m met with nothing and my brain shuts off - I can’t keep thinking or trying to remember for very long. But overall my mood is good and lighter. I’m extremely less anxious than I’m accustomed to. Very tired today. I also had very strange dizzy/head warpy symptoms throughout the day, hard to describe.

Today I started on Wasatch loop intending to do 6 miles. I got 1.25 in and my IT band was tight and I was getting some knee pain. I stopped and tried to massage out my IT band, it helped me to run without too much pain for a little bit, then I decided to turn at 2 miles because I didn’t think I could make it the full 6. Stopped a couple more times to massage again, it made it bearable to run. But now I’m nervous because I bruised my leg massaging it (go me) and my knee has sharp pain with different things. My foam roller is in Cedar so that blows. Idk what to do. Maybe I’ll try to make a makeshift roller or something. Stinking IT band. 

7:50 average. 

I talked a long time with my mom tonight and one of the things that she said that surprised me (I didn’t know) was that I was diagnosed with mild depression in high school, but my running helped me manage it. I remember my dad asking me if I was depressed (a lot a lot) and me being a teenager that didn’t want anything to be wrong with me I got mad at him a lot for asking and insisted that I wasn’t. I guess I convinced myself I was fine, enough to block out the memory of being diagnosed with mild depression... cause I don’t remember that lol.

Anyways, my mom said that with hormonal changes and stress from college (and other things) it probably pushed my depression over the edge and running no longer was enough to manage it. I was (self reported in hindsight) moderately depressed my freshman year, then left on my mission and two or three months in I was diagnosed with severe depression. A few months later I came home early because I could hardly get out of bed it was so bad. And now this, about 2 years later. I’m grateful to have finally found something that works. My mom says I’ll likely have relapses back into depression, but that now I’ll be able to better manage it with medication, a great therapist I already met with once in Cedar that I like, with running and, if it comes to it, more ECT treatments.

Next doctors appointment is in 3 weeks to get blood drawn and check for toxicity from my medications. I’ll be monitored like this and have a doctors appointment once a month when I go back to Cedar to make sure things are still good.

Today’s mood level was a 7 or 8. Only had that weird dizzy feeling twice today, as compared with 30+ yesterday. So hopefully I’ll have none tomorrow? Memory did better today, but still struggled on a few things. I also still get surprised with how much lighter I feel. I felt like a zombie the last few months in Cedar, but now I’m back to my old self, being more chatty and joking and upbeat than I have been in I don’t know how long. 

I found a metal water bottle and used it as a makeshift roller and rolled out my IT band, which helped ease my knee pain. I’m probably going to have a bruise for a while, lol. Didn’t feel too great to roll out but in the end it was worth it. 

Started with Wasatch loop intending to do the shorter loop, but decided to go a slower pace to see if I could go farther like Sasha suggested :) I was surprised at how good I felt, going slow is so much nicer haha. Maybe for the next little bit I won’t worry about pace and just run, then once I’ve built up enough of a base I can start bringing my pace down.

I decided to go the longer loop because I felt good enough. I was surprised that my knee/IT band didn’t give me any issues, but I’m grateful for it :) it tired me out to go longer, but that’s good. 8 miles, 7:58 average. I was surprised it was under 8:00 pace. Also it was snowing and it’s April? What is this Utah weather?

I got a call from SUU saying my withdrawal has been completed and they asked, since I went to the hospital and my doctor has recommended I withdraw, if I wanted to emergency withdraw which will make it so it’s as if I never enrolled in this semester and take all the W’s off my transcript. I was confused why they didn’t know that was what I wanted in the first place, but I’m glad it’s all going to work out. Now I just have to do a bunch of paperwork to get it processed and have it finalized. 

Mood’s an 8

I was exhausted today. I wanted to cut it short at 4, but I forced myself to go farther. I did VA loop and dropped to the cemetery. When I got home, I didn’t have the willpower to finish to 6. I know I was just a quarter mile short, but I was so tired. 8:00 average. 

My mood’s a 7 today. 

I did Wasatch loop but cut it a little short. 7:48 average. I was really tired. I also still feel a need to watch my pace, but I should probably let that go for the time being and just focus on miles. But I’m really tired. I prefer this sleepy tired to the depressed tired, though.

My mood’s a 6. I’m not sure if being super tired is from not getting enough sleep or if it’s from my medications. I think it’s the latter, but we’ll see if it continues. 7 hours of sleep is still decent, right? The doctor put me back on Lithium last week and upped the dose from what Dixie had put me on. He said that the dose I was prescribed at Dixie was the smallest dose you could get and would have done hardly anything to help. He said Lithium can cause fatigue so I should watch out for that and we’d re-evaluate at our next appointment. If my tiredness doesn’t go away, it’s probably the Lithium and I’ll tell my doctor when we next meet.

Ran to Sugarhouse, a couple laps around then back home. 8:09 average, felt really slow but I was exhausted. It’s gotta be my medication because I shouldn’t be this tired. I went to bed at 7 last night intending to just take an hour long nap because I was really, really tired and Olivia had invited me over for a movie night at 8, but I accidentally slept until 10:30. Then I felt really, really bad (I slept through the alarm I’d set!), but it’s ok we’re going to do something today. Anyways, then I had a bowl of cereal because I hadn’t had dinner (lol) and went back to bed. Didn’t fall asleep until around midnight but slept until 10am and only woke up because my sister Hattie came and woke me up because she wanted me to try the crepes she made. Haha I love her. Anyways, I’m still really tired and want to take a nap but I probably shouldn’t. 

Mood’s a 6 or 7. 

Mood was a 5 today. Not awesome but not terrible either. I’m judging based on how much energy I have, how excited I am to do something, how sad I feel, or how much I just wanna stay in bed. My mom’s concerned about my steady decline this week in mood. If it continues to drop I’ll probably have to get more ECT treatments, though we’re also concerned about that because I’m on the more extreme side of the memory loss side effects. I’ve improved a lot, but I’m still iffy on a couple random things that come up each day. Like today, I forgot that church had been changed to two hours a while back instead of 3, that was a big change that I feel like I should’ve remembered. I also noticed Hattie’s braces and couldn’t remember when she got them, I asked her and she laughed because she’s had them since October. My memory loss is amusing sometimes lol. But also frustrating. At least I don’t ask the same questions every 10 minutes like I did last week haha. We will talk with the doctor next time we meet. 

I went back to the hospital this morning for a blood draw to check to make sure everything is still good after taking my medications for a few weeks. I also have another ECT treatment scheduled for early tomorrow morning. My mom says I was usually really tired after my ECT treatments, and once I have a treatment I have to be monitored for seizures for a week, so we’ll see how running goes for the next little bit. 

Today I did Wasatch loop. I tried not to look at pace. I stress myself out about needing to be in 50% range, but I need to let that go for the time being and enjoy my runs. I’m not in as good of shape as I was a month or so ago, and that’s okay. For right now when it’s still unclear when I’ll be at 100% mentally and ready to truly hit the road, it’s a bit impossible to have a goal to work towards. Maybe for now I’ll just be running (when I can) for fun and because I want to. Once I’m done with treatments, once I have the energy and the right mentality, THEN I can really set out to get back in good shape. I’m not there yet. 

Anyways, today I noticed I wasn’t running as smooth as I was when I was with my team. My stride was off. I slowed down and paid more attention to my back kick and foot strike, and sure enough going slower allowed me to have a smoother, more relaxed stride. I was able to get back into that groove where running didn’t feel that difficult and I could separate myself a little from focusing on what my body was doing and instead go to my thoughts or things outside of the physical discomfort of running. Then, around 2.5 miles in, I got really tired. I stopped for a minute, and I honestly just wanted to lay down right there and take a nap. But I wasn’t home yet. So I continued and didn’t bother finishing to 6, I just wanted to be done. Averaged 7:58

My mood’s a 4 today. I’m really tired and don’t really want to do anything other than stay in my bed (though I did go run some errands this morning).

ECT this morning, went back in since I dropped back down. We’re going to play it by ear now, I might have another ECT appointment another day. I’m having a hard time staying on my feet, I’m a bit dizzy. No running today both because it’s an ECT day and because there’s no way I could run in a straight lane or remain upright for that long. I have difficulty getting from my room to the kitchen without almost falling over. I will also be starting up a new medication in a little bit. 

Mood’s a 6 or 7

My sister Hattie came with me to Bonneville so I could run laps. I have to be monitored again for unintended seizures. Hattie ran the first mile with me, I was surprised she wanted to. We ran 8:02, not bad for a 12-year-old. I was impressed, I expected to go slower. Then I finished to 4.5 while she practiced soccer drills on the field. 7:38, 7:26, 7:49 for the mile splits, then Hattie joined for the last half mile at 8:00 pace. Averages out to 7:47/mile. I was sore from ECT yesterday. 

So the plan for right now is to do one ECT treatment a week for 5 weeks, until another medication I just started today kicks in. After that I can stop taking the medication that is causing my fatigue. I was stoked when my mom told me that. 

Today I’m an 8 or 9. It’s been a good day. 

My mom is in California with friends and my dad is in Florida for work, so I get to stay with my grandparents. They were kind to take me to Riverton High’s track and I ran there while they walked. It felt nice, though it’s getting warm. I got fried. 

Anyways, I was planning on 6 but decided to cut it short to 5, both because I felt bad making my grandparents wait and because I didn’t really want to do another mile. Eh. Splits (I had to manually time because my watch is always .08 off of a mile done on the track) went: 7:16, 7:19, 7:25, 7:28, 7:38. Averages out to 7:26.

Today I’m tired, but I’m at an 8.

Today I decided to try a couple 400s since we were at a track. First I did a couple miles warmup and stretched briefly. Then started, I did 200 recovery after each. Hit 83, 85. Then called it quits after that and cooled to 4 because I was discouraged. I’d been hoping for 80 or under at that effort. But I am out of shape/took some time off while in the hospital and have been rather limited in my running for a while now because of doctor’s orders, so it’s expected for me to be slower and less fit. I shouldn’t let it get me down, I’m alive and feeling better than I have in a loooong time, the physical fitness will come back eventually.

Anyways, today I’m tired and a 7. 

No running today. It was a busy day. I will have 1 ECT treatment a week for 5 weeks or until the doctor says otherwise. Which means I’ll be under 24/7 surveillance for probably another month to watch for seizures. I also have to keep a look out for a rash, then if I get one I have to go straight to the ER. I guess it is a common condition with one of my medications and will become life threatening fast if left untreated. So let’s hope I steer clear of all that. 

Today I’m a 7 or 8

My mom said that she and my dad were okay with me running alone as long as I texted her every 10 minutes or so and stayed on busy roads so that if I collapsed someone would see me. Because technically tomorrow would be the day I’m clear to be alone anyways, though it’s an ECT day so nope! Not really. Anyways, I was pretty stoked about that because I’ve gotten really bored of just running laps. I did VA loop intending to do an out and back to get 6 miles in, but then I started feeling really weird about 2.5 miles in. I was a bit head warpy/dizzy and couldn’t focus my eyes, just felt strange. So I texted my mom and finished the loop- the shortest way home. Then just lay down for a while in hopes that the weird feeling would pass. I wonder if I had a partial seizure, but I don’t really know. I never lost consciousness and it was only my left side, once I was home my hand started shaking/spazzing out if I tried to lift it, but eventually it stopped. My right hand was fine, it was weird. Same with my legs. Only my left leg twitched/jerked uncontrollably. 

Anyways, my run felt really good until that all started. I kept it slow and didn’t pay attention to pace, just ran comfortably at a pace that didn’t feel hard. A pace I could easily keep up for 6 miles. Ended up averaging 8:14, I was surprised because I was expecting to feel more out of shape. I like going slower. 

ECT day, I keep full body twitching randomly so that’s weird. And as usual I’m really tired and can’t stay on my feet. But no headache so that’s a plus. I’m feeling like a 7. 

Cedar City police gave me a ticket because apparently your car can’t stay parked on the street for more than 3 days and mine’s been there for over a month, and they are threatening to tow it. So I’m going to have to mail my car key to my house and my roommate will move it into the driveway. Yikes. 

Today I got a blood draw to check how my kidneys are doing. Then today was kind of an off day for me. It seemed to fly by, and I guess I got distracted playing with Millie and Tessa (my 7 year old twin sisters) because all of a sudden they were going to bed and I realized I hadn’t run yet. But I wasn’t really feeling up for laps at Bonneville anyways. My motivation was low and I considered not working out at all today, then I thought nah I’ve gotta do something. So I decided on a treadmill run, then realized the treadmill would be loud and the twins were going to sleep. I asked my mom if it would be too loud and she said I could do a mile but then I’d have to call it quits because it is quite loud. So I did a mile. Then I was like, only a mile? That was nothing... should I call it quits? No! Go do a core workout! So I went outside because it was cooler and did core for 24 minutes, then my sister Hattie got home and I waved at her to come workout with me. I got her to come out for an additional 10 minute core workout. I’m happy to do what I can in my current situation, there’s always something you can do. I also mowed the lawn and that was a good arm workout lol

My mood’s an 8 or 9. Also, I must really like Hattie’s shirt because she just said I’ve told her that I like her shirt 4 times today... hahaha whoops! My memory...

Today, I decided, was my cheat day. I just really was not in the mood for a treadmill run and wasn’t given the option of running at a track unless I wanted to ditch on some plans I had with my best friend, which I really didn’t want to do because her husband is in Minneapolis right now for work and she was counting on me. So I got to swoop in and have a girls night with her hahaha. But now I’m overly stuffed with food and sugar. Cheat day. That’s what I tell myself hahaha. Then I remember that I used to eat like this every day while I was serving a mission... those were the days. CHEAT DAY. That’s gotta count for something! I’m sore from yesterday’s core. And oh yeah- we saw Avengers Endgame and it was awesome.

Also, if I’m being honest I’m slightly terrified to go back to Cedar City. I still have another month here in Salt Lake at least, but idk the thought of going back and living on my own again kinda frightens me. Or maybe it’s going back to what I had before. This time will be different because I’m moving into a place with more sunlight and windows. I didn’t even have a window to the outside in my room this year, and it was in the basement. So hopefully things are better this time around.

Mood’s an 8 or 9

My motivation is so low right now. I’m considering taking time off running until I’m cleared to be alone. Or maybe I’ll take a small break until I’m excited and motivated to run. We’ll see. But maybe it’s better to push through until I can enjoy running again anyways, so I can stay in shape. Idk. I have all the way until August to be in great shape, whatever I decide will be ok I think. 

Ashley texted me this morning asking if I wanted to come with her to BYU, and I was like HECK YEAH! It was so good to see my team again and talk to Ashley and Maddy, the gang was back together! Lol. We were roommates my freshman year. Talked briefly to Coach and Paul. Paul is going to help me figure out some withdrawal stuff, the committee denied my request to have my records expunged for this semester and Paul said that was bogus, that he’d talk to them on Monday. Maddy said she was mad for me because they cleared her and hers was less severe than mine. It makes me feel better to know that I’m not the only one upset haha, my dad is mad. But it’ll all get figured out. 

Anyways! My team is so fast. They did really well today. It’s exciting to know that THATS MY TEAM!! Haha. Josie, Alison, Haley, Linnea, Angie, Sharlie, all of them! And it makes me excited too because it was a reminder that it doesn’t matter where I am on the team, all that matters is that I’m on the team and getting faster. Well, at least I hope I’ll get faster haha. I’m so excited to go back and run with my team, but that’s several months away. Oh well. 

I ran with Ashley and both of us are out of shape hahaha. Look at us. We ran through BYU’s campus and then Ashley made the comment “don’t mind us just breaking the honor code” hahaha. Sorry BYU, deal with it! We were just in our track gear lol. We only did 2.25 because both of us were dying ha. 8:08 average

Also, so good to talk to Maddy. She withdrew from this semester due to depression too, and both of us shared how things felt while we were depressed etc. It was so good for me because it’s hard when you feel like you’re alone in this struggle but I’m not, it’s so good to be able to talk about it with someone who knows exactly what it’s like. And to remember that I’m not crazy or anything haha, that it is a medical condition. 

Also, I’m going to run every day I can I’ve decided. I just have to endure through this crappy period and then I’ll be able to go wherever I want once I’m done with my treatments. But I don’t want to get super out of shape if I can help it, at least not more than I am now.

My dad drove me to Sugarhouse. We agreed that if I stayed on the pavement and ran laps I’d be alright. Then if I didn’t feel great I had my phone and could call him. I was stoked to have more freedom and run in larger/more scenic loops than short laps. Starting out, running felt weird and a little unnatural, my form just felt off. Like my stride was short and not normal, I think because I haven’t run as much lately. But then about a mile into it I got back in the rhythm of my old stride and it felt a lot more natural and smooth. I was surprised, I felt so much better than I was expecting. Especially for how much time I’ve taken off. But also, just in general. I felt a lot lighter and better than I did before my treatments, so that’s encouraging. 

Anyways, I did 3 laps. On my second I ran into Patrick and recognized him from his running stride (lol, anyone else notice people’s strides or just me?), we stopped and talked for a minute. It was so good to see him and catch up briefly since high school. We might run together later this week. Anyways, on my last lap, the last half mile my legs started to get tired. They might be sore tomorrow. 4.25 miles, 7:42 average

Mood’s a 9

ECT day, no running. We’re going to try spreading out my treatments to see if I continue to do well at a longer interval of time. The next one will be in 10 days not a week. If I do well for all 10 days, the next one will probably be 2 weeks. 

Mood’s a 9