Sock tans

7:33 average for today plus 4 strides at the end. Last intramural practice.

It was a nice day today! 49 and sunny. For Rexburg that's a step up :) it was windy as always. Last week I wasn't motivated and skipped running half the days, which I definitely felt today. But overall, it felt nice to get out and run. 7:22 average

I pulled out more of my SUU gear and I got nostalgic. Ah, good times. I miss my team. But the best part of change is making new memories. I love it here at BYUI and even though my focus isn't as much on running, it's still something I really enjoy. I'm happy that it's become something I enjoy again and not something that creates a ton of stress or self-doubt. That's one really nice thing about not running in college anymore.

The one thing about having things change so much is that it's hard for me to remember who I am as a person. So much of my identity was tied to running that it's hard to let it go and figure out who I am outside of it. It's one of the reasons I quit college running. I wanted to remind myself that yes, I'm a runner, but I'm also so much more. My worth isn't tied to how fast or how far I run. At my therapy appt last week, I was asked to list my strengths and I was genuinely stumped. I didn't even know what to say. I could think of about a thousand faults I have, but strengths? I think that's one of the reasons my depression got so bad. But the difference between then and now is that I can actively choose to look more for the positive. My mom told me recently that one of the hardest things for her during that time was to encourage me and provide positive reinforcement and compliments, but watch me reject them. Because I was so depressed and physically unable to feel any positive emotions I constantly rejected it and continued to berate myself for things I did that I felt were simply more reason to believe I was worthless. But the difference now is that I can recognize when I'm having irrational negative thoughts. I can turn it around if I choose, and I want to. And that's what my therapist will be helping me to do over the next few months.

So, for now, I'm going to be trying to recognize my strengths so as to increase my sense of self-worth. I know that this is a running blog, but I think it will be helpful for me to include notes about that as well from time to time. Just so I can have it written down and more fully recognize my strengths rather than dwelling so much on the negative.

The first one that I do feel is true, and the one that helped me so much in running, is that I always strive to endure and never give up. When things get tough I always try to grit it out and work through it, because eventually it will pass. In running that's easy to do because you only have a set distance or time to run, but in life it can get hard. That was the case for me last semester. I'd lost hope that the pain would ever pass and got so overwhelmed that I almost quit. Even though I got so close, I didn't. I recognized that I needed help and chose to reach out for it, not seeing how anyone could help but deciding not to give up, not until I'd exhausted all my options. Until I'd done absolutely everything I could. And though most of that was help from God, endurance is still one of the strengths that I have been given and one I will continue to exercise.

It's uncomfortable for me to publicly list any of my strengths or even accept compliments. I have always shied away from thinking too positively about myself because I don't want to become arrogant. But I am beginning to think that there might be a difference between arrogance and confidence. I think confidence might be necessary for anyone to be truly successful, but humility is knowing where your strength comes from- it's not really me, it's a gift that I've been given from God. And keeping your confidence in check- being overly confident can be just as detrimental as not being confident enough.

I got hit pretty hard with a cold yesterday, it's taken a toll on my energy levels. I couldn't fall asleep quickly last night because I couldn't breathe through my nose and I had a headache, but I took my sleeping pill and a night alkaseltzer plus, which helped a little. I could hardly keep my eyes open this morning so I decided I'd take a quick nap which turned into 4 hours... whoops. I guess I needed the rest. I still feel a bit tired.

Anyways, today I ran without my garmin. I took the bike trail towards Sugar City, I've memorized where the turnaround point is for 6 miles. I realized later that it would've been longer than 6 because I started from my apartment not from the track, so I guesstimated on the distance. I felt alright, just congested.

Met Sawyer at the track and we took the bike trail towards Sugar City. Averaged 7:31. I almost completely lost my voice last night after talking for 3 hours straight at work (I work at a call center taking surveys for many different national companies over the phone). I was supposed to stay another hour after that but I couldn't talk so... they let me off early :) anyways, it was better this morning but by the evening all I could do was whisper

I ran without my watch again so a guess on the distance, but I'm pretty sure I turned around at 2.5 if I remember right. I felt really good, very smooth and relaxed. It was a quicker but relaxed pace, I'd guess around 7:15-7:20 average off of feel.

This week has been a bit crazy. Really just a rough week for a lot of people in my FHE group. Mine was good, other than getting sick. But I empathize with those around me. A couple of the guys are just really, really sad. I'm a bit worried about them, I guess how our group survives is by dark humor. Lol. Sometimes it makes me uncomfortable because joking about death and suicide really isn't funny... especially because I know a couple of people in our group have been suicidal in the past. Like... I know they're joking but also on some level they're not... so it just kind of stresses me out. Anyways. I took my roommate Ashley to the ER Thursday morning/afternoon as well as last night. She has a lot of health problems, both physical and mental. She hasn't been able to eat anything for 8 days now because she can't keep it down. She's in a lot of pain. She needs surgery to get her gall bladder removed, had an ulcer, and now has a virus of some sort. It's especially hard because she's extremely depressed right now and she's losing the will to keep going. Our Bishop came over to our apartment today with Gerrad and gave us all blessings, that was really kind. Anyways, Bishop told me not to come to church tomorrow, that was a surprise. I was like what? He's just concerned for our apartment and wants us to take care of ourselves, so he said I should stay home and recuperate. I can also be the person to stay home with Ashley, the best we can do to help her is to just be there for her. 

Out and back on my own

Ran to Nature Park with Sawyer

Felt pretty good today. I went out and back towards Big Judd's, after a mile and a half out it's mostly farmland :) Just relaxed and ran to my music. It was rejuvenating. Also, a dog came out of nowhere and wanted to play. Boy can she jump high haha. She had a collar, so I assume she was an outside dog that got excited when I came running by. She ran away after a minute or two, towards one of the properties. 7:47 average

Out and back again pretty much the same way as yesterday, 7:53 average. Cat and I went to the University store on campus right before and then to Chick-fil-A and grabbed a smoothie from one of the other stores in the Student Center, T'was a good time. I was very full on my run haha

Same route as yesterday, turned around at 2.5. It was quite windy

Out and back towards Walmart. I was feeling pretty good today. At first I was just going at a comfortable pace but after a mile (7:40) I picked it up a bit. My last mile I decided to push the pace a little more which ended up being 7:05. Overall I averaged 7:21. Also, I ran every day this week which is something. I want to start trying to increase my mileage again. This week has reminded me how good running can feel, especially if it's for more than 30 minutes haha

Same out and back as before. I'll just call this one farm run because why not. Today I felt like I couldn't breathe deeply. So my breaths were shallow and my chest felt tight. I also woke up with a sore throat, so I must've caught another cold. Dang, I was just getting over the other one. My voice is finally back to normal and I can kind of sing, just not high notes. Anyways, I hope this new cold isn't a bad one. 

Out and back towards Sugar City. I was having a hard time breathing, my chest felt so tight and I was wheezing slightly. So it felt like we were going faster than we were, I was actually kind of discouraged. I think my asthma was acting up. I need to get another inhaler, my asthma is so sporadic so I haven't had one since high school. My last major asthma attack was in high school. Winter time is also when it usually gives me problems. Idk why. Anyways, 8:00 average.

3 on the treadmill, pushed it a bit for just under a mile at 6:40 pace. Then did some core

Last week was a stressful week and I didn't run very much. I felt it a lot today. It was also very windy, which was a bit rough (and very cold) coming back. But, it's to be expected. I need to be more consistent with running. It can be hard to motivate myself, but running is healthy and I enjoy it, most of the time haha. 

Towards Walmart and back. 5 miles, 7:55 average. It was so dang cold, my face froze.

Well, so much for being consistent haha. For Thanksgiving break I went up to Island Park with my family, we have a cabin up there. They drove up and picked me up in Rexburg on Tuesday night (my car wouldn't make it up the snowy canyon haha). We came home Sunday. Anyways, I only ran once- this Friday. I did 2 laps around the Island, it was peaceful to be in the woods. It was also very snowy