It was a nice day today! 49 and sunny. For Rexburg that's a step up :) it was windy as always. Last week I wasn't motivated and skipped running half the days, which I definitely felt today. But overall, it felt nice to get out and run. 7:22 average
I pulled out more of my SUU gear and I got nostalgic. Ah, good times. I miss my team. But the best part of change is making new memories. I love it here at BYUI and even though my focus isn't as much on running, it's still something I really enjoy. I'm happy that it's become something I enjoy again and not something that creates a ton of stress or self-doubt. That's one really nice thing about not running in college anymore.
The one thing about having things change so much is that it's hard for me to remember who I am as a person. So much of my identity was tied to running that it's hard to let it go and figure out who I am outside of it. It's one of the reasons I quit college running. I wanted to remind myself that yes, I'm a runner, but I'm also so much more. My worth isn't tied to how fast or how far I run. At my therapy appt last week, I was asked to list my strengths and I was genuinely stumped. I didn't even know what to say. I could think of about a thousand faults I have, but strengths? I think that's one of the reasons my depression got so bad. But the difference between then and now is that I can actively choose to look more for the positive. My mom told me recently that one of the hardest things for her during that time was to encourage me and provide positive reinforcement and compliments, but watch me reject them. Because I was so depressed and physically unable to feel any positive emotions I constantly rejected it and continued to berate myself for things I did that I felt were simply more reason to believe I was worthless. But the difference now is that I can recognize when I'm having irrational negative thoughts. I can turn it around if I choose, and I want to. And that's what my therapist will be helping me to do over the next few months.
So, for now, I'm going to be trying to recognize my strengths so as to increase my sense of self-worth. I know that this is a running blog, but I think it will be helpful for me to include notes about that as well from time to time. Just so I can have it written down and more fully recognize my strengths rather than dwelling so much on the negative.
The first one that I do feel is true, and the one that helped me so much in running, is that I always strive to endure and never give up. When things get tough I always try to grit it out and work through it, because eventually it will pass. In running that's easy to do because you only have a set distance or time to run, but in life it can get hard. That was the case for me last semester. I'd lost hope that the pain would ever pass and got so overwhelmed that I almost quit. Even though I got so close, I didn't. I recognized that I needed help and chose to reach out for it, not seeing how anyone could help but deciding not to give up, not until I'd exhausted all my options. Until I'd done absolutely everything I could. And though most of that was help from God, endurance is still one of the strengths that I have been given and one I will continue to exercise.
It's uncomfortable for me to publicly list any of my strengths or even accept compliments. I have always shied away from thinking too positively about myself because I don't want to become arrogant. But I am beginning to think that there might be a difference between arrogance and confidence. I think confidence might be necessary for anyone to be truly successful, but humility is knowing where your strength comes from- it's not really me, it's a gift that I've been given from God. And keeping your confidence in check- being overly confident can be just as detrimental as not being confident enough.
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