Sock tans

It's been a hard week. Very stressed, very sad, very worried, very overwhelmed.

Stressed because finances are very tight, struggling to make ends meet. 

Sad because there's a good chance Noah will be offered and take a job that will take him either to Belgium or somewhere else in the U.S. There's a chance he won't, but we'll know for certain in the next 2 months.

Worried because my brother could be homeless and on the streets any day now and there's nothing I can do to help him. He's living out of his car that will be repossessed as soon as the tow company finds his car. He's also very manic and refuses mental help, so I worry for his mental state.

Overwhelmed because I'm not making enough money to cover all my expenses and all my needs. But this is the highest paying job I qualify for that doesn't completely suck. Cost of living in Utah is $43k-$66k. I make 38k. So I have to reconsider everything. Might have to go back to school because this just isn't working. Choosing between therapy and food just isn't working for me.

Can tell I'm getting depressed because I'm not wanting to go to work or do anything, even though I desperately need money. Don't know if it's the snowy weather, don't know if it's the stress, don't know if it's the chance of Noah leaving, don't know if my meds and ketamine aren't working, or could be all of it.

Well, things got worse as the day progressed. My check engine light came on in my car today, meaning I have little to no chance at selling it until I get it fixed. Better to just trade it in, which means I seriously lost money. 

I also found out my case at the SLCPD was closed. I half expected this outcome, but it was still a gut punch. Our justice system sucks. The special victims detective himself said that if I hadn't been so strong and had allowed it to happen it would have progressed to sexual abuse. I also believe that 100%. It honestly would've happened had my parents not found out about what was going on. Once they found out, I discovered I could push back and didn't have to go along with things. So I started resisting. Until that point, I felt like I had to endure it in order to get what I wanted- which was guidance and coaching so I could perform well in my sport. That's why I wanted to report it- to help protect other girls who don't know they can resist. It's almost sad in a way, because this experience was traumatic enough to cause me significant distress and anxiety and require a lot of therapy, but it wasn't extreme enough to get the justice I deserve.

Hard day.

6 miles, 7:47 average. 

Set out on this run intending to relieve some of my energy and stress. I definitely did that, I'm exhausted. I stopped to walk a bit, but I'm proud of myself. This was really hard for how out of shape I am and I feel really accomplished.

Splits: 7:52, 7:57, 7:44, 7:41, 7:32, 7:51. Time: 46:40

It's been a hard week. I'm gonna break up with my boyfriend either Sunday or Monday. Whenever he gets back from camping. I don't really want to, but it's in my best interests. I deserve to be with someone who prioritizes the relationship and is wanting a future with me.

Gonna try to focus on running and get back into some other hobbies to distract me. 

Legs were sore and heavy from Fridays run but it felt nice to get out. It was warm! 8:08 average

When it rains it pours, right?

1. My car got a flat tire last night, which means the tire needs to be replaced. All tires were worn anyways so I need to replace all of them, and it's an AWD vehicle, so they should all be replaced at the same time anyway. It's gonna cost over $850 to replace them all. 
2. Discovered that my right front ball joint is bad. It's leaking grease/fluid, and also explains the play in the steering. I can't drive on a bad ball joint because it could fail anytime, and a failure would be catastrophic. I'd lose control of the vehicle and likely cause an accident, and the wheel could fall off completely. Cost to repair one is around $300, and usually mechanics recommend all ball joints get replaced because if one has gone bad, likely they're all on their way out. So that's $1200. And that's not including an alignment, or if they also need to replace the control arm or tie rod, I'm not sure exactly what's all needing to be replaced. But it's bad.
3. I'm not making enough money at the job that I'm most qualified for to cover all of my basic needs like housing, food, phone, shelter, transportation, therapy, medication, and other healthcare. Reliable transportation and phone are a must in my job. Without transportation I cannot do my job, so without my car I'm in a huge mess. Not sure how I'm going to get to work this week. My dad is letting me borrow his car tomorrow but he needs it the rest of the week.
4. The $2000 or more cost to get new tires and ball joints is more than I make in a paycheck, and nearly my entire monthly income. I have no savings due to all my previous medical bills and barely getting by since. I've maxed out my credit card due to my car getting towed (a whole other inconvenience and shitty situation that is honestly BS but and can't extend my credit limit due to only having the card since November. I've already taken out a $500 personal loan to get an oil change and my car diagnosed by a shop that I no longer trust and won't ever take my car back to. They tried to screw me over and I caught them and they reluctantly lowered the price back to what it should've been. I don't trust their diagnosis and will be taking it to another shop. Anyway, I asked if I could get more and they would only approve the $500 because I have a short credit history. Doesn't matter I have a good credit score (731). So, no way to pay for these repairs.
5. Things are ending with Noah, and I'm very sad about it. I'll probably be talking with him tomorrow to officially cut things off. He's hoping to leave Utah for work and honestly doesn't seem invested in the relationship, he's prioritizing his career and ambitions. Which is fine and honestly good for him, but I'm more of a backup plan if his other plans fail and I think I deserve better than that. He's already made up his mind that he'd take the job that would require the relationship to end if it's offered to him, so there's honestly no future in our relationship. Even if he stays, I'm not his first pick and I don't blame him for that, and I know we haven't dated for a long time but it's still hard. Just coming to terms with the fact that it's over and I'm really sad. 
6. I found out the detective closed my case on Thursday. The emotions behind that have been hard to deal with. No justice.
7. My brother threatened to kill himself today over text. He's off his meds. And he's been constantly criticizing me and accusing me and my family of not loving him and watching him drown when the exact opposite it true. He told me he doesn't love me anymore and has no respect for me. Twice. Very hard to deal with as well because I do love and care about him so much, but he's so difficult to deal with and so critical of me and won't accept mental help.

I'm about ready to snap. The pressure and the stress about my finances is overwhelming. The sadness about Noah is overwhelming. The hurt from the case being closed is overwhelming. Watching my brother struggle and not being able to do anything for him is overwhelming. Listening to my brother spout of constantly critical and hurtful things to me is overwhelming. All of these are overwhelming enough on their own, and here I am facing all of them at once. It's too much. 

8:08 average. 

I had therapy tonight and it was probably one of the most helpful sessions I've ever had. Right off the bat she could see how stressed I was and asked me to breathe. Then we talked. 

She said I've been through much harder things and I can do this. I have the choice to let the stress overwhelm me and allow myself to spiral, or I can choose to accept and face the difficulties head-on and make choices to combat them. She said this is a really pivotal time in my life and my choices will determine where I go. 

I feel really driven now rather than stressed. I am still stressed. I have no idea what's going to happen with my car and my job (I use my car for my job so no car = no job). I'll find out tomorrow whether or not I qualify for financing through Big o Tires. And that'll tell me what I can do.

But, I've decided what I want to do long-term. My tentative plan, if everything works out, is to go back to SUU in the fall. I'll major in either Exercise Science or Psychology and minor in the other. Then I'll get a masters in SPED. It's an online degree. Or if I feel like doing something different with the bachelors degree I get I can do that. But that's my tentative plan. It feels good to finally have a direction and to have finally made a decision as to what I want to do as a career.

And, I'll admit, I'm excited at the prospect of going back to SUU and Cedar City. Living the college life. An exciting change, something new, and being able to finally finish my degree.

We'll see what tomorrow brings.

8:16 average

Things are starting to look up. I qualified for financing at Big O Tires, so they replaced the tires and what actually ended up being the tie rods. A slightly cheaper fix, but still just over $1000. I have a job interview tomorrow for a job I'm hoping to do on the weekends. If I started this weekend, I'd be able to pay off that loan in about a month. If I worked it for 2 months, I'd be able to pay off my other loan and start saving money. I definitely think it'll just be a temporary gig, but it'll help me get through this tough period. In 2 months I can re-evaluate and determine whether or not I want to continue with the job. That is, if I get it. Which I'm thinking I will, so long as I'm able to only work weekends.

I'm also still planning on selling my car, but I'm more confident now that I can sell it for how much I owe on it. With the new tires that's a great plus, and now there are no major issues. A few minor ones, but that's typical of used cars, and easily fixable if the next person so desires. I have someone coming to look at it tomorrow night, and it's got over 200 views on KSL classifieds and some people have added it to their favorite listings. Just hoping I can sell it soon so that I can get into a smaller car better fit for my needs. I just don't need an SUV, as nice as it is to have a ton of room.

Oh and then I found out I was approved for a $10,000 auto loan with a few stipulations, assuming I sell my current vehicle, trade it in or pay it off. So that was a huge relief as well.

It was a great day all things considering. And I got out for a run, which was a big bonus.

8:16 average 

Got hired for a second job today. I'll be working upwards of 56 hours a week with both jobs. 

Busy busy day. Work then group therapy then met up with Noah.

Feeling very conflicted and heartbroken. I'm not okay right now. I know it'll be okay eventually. But that doesn't make this any less hard. We're taking the weekend to think on things and decide whether or not to continue pursuing the relationship. I don't think there's a right answer here.

My biggest fear is that I won't be able to find anyone else as amazing, thoughtful, intelligent, hard-working, fun, and so genuine, straightforward and kind as he is. Just feeling a sense of loss, because even if I choose to continue things there's a very real possibility he's going to get offered a job in either Belgium or GA and have to relocate, and if he gets the Belgium job he'll be traveling so much and be so far away that it's not conducive to a relationship. So he gets that job and we're over. If he gets the GA job it's still possible it could work out, but still maybe not. There's just so much up in the air right now. We don't know if he will get either job, we don't know when he would leave, we don't know how likely it is he'll get either one just that he's still in the running.

I just don't know what to do. 

7:43 average

I ended up getting a second job and started this past weekend. I'm working every day of the week, which is a lot. 56 hours a week. I only plan to have it until I can pay off my personal loan, my car repair loan, and my credit card. So probably for 2ish months.

I'm not really wanting the second job but desperate times call for desperate measures amiright? I can deal with having it two days a week.

I'm thinking I'm going to focus on bettering myself for the next couple months. Financially through the second job, physically through running, and emotionally through therapy and meds.

I was really struggling yesterday, a little bit of a depression going on but nothing near what I've experienced before. My therapist thinks my crisis yesterday was not anything bipolar related, but rather trauma related. I've had many triggers. I'd rather not say what they were, but it has been a tough month. And it probably just became a lot for me to handle, so my thoughts went to dark places and had a mini existential crisis. 

The good thing that came from therapy is that my therapist has said I've made a complete 180 degree switch ever since I started doing ketamine. So crazy how much of a difference it's made. 

I had a good discussion with my dad tonight about many things, and then my mom as well, and I just have a lot to think about.

I came up with a plan last week, that I'm pretty excited about. But I'm still going to mull it over because my dad says he thinks it's an impulsive decision, but I disagree. I think it's a great idea. But of course I will weigh what anyone has to say. 

My plan is to go back to school either in the fall or spring 24. I'm hoping for fall honestly but we'll see what life brings. I'll major in either psychology or exercise science and make the other my minor. Then I'll pursue a Master's degree depending on which major I chose and what I've decided I want to do for a career. I've at least narrowed it down to those two fields, lol. And if I decided, I could get my masters in SPED (no prerequisites required), which opens up a whole other career path. 

My dad's not too gung ho on the idea. But I think it's a great idea, and doable with FAFSA grants and student loans. But it's just kind of a wait and see what life brings kind of deal. 

This week has been... a lot. But, here's an update:

I had to reapply to SUU because it's been 2 years since I've attended and I guess if you take a break longer than 2 semesters they now require you to reapply. Kinda dumb but it's whatever. I got my financial aid award letter today, and the award I got makes it very doable to go back to SUU. Got everything- Pell grant, subsidized loan, unsubsidized loan, work study. A little less than I was offered for the 22-23 year, but still a good amount. I was accepted and then ran into the problem of being assigned the online campus so I was unable to register for campus classes. Got that fixed and it was processed in a day. So now I'm finally registered for classes. Ran into another problem where they're not recognizing that I completed exercise physiology which is a prerequisite for other classes. Just frustrating, I'll call on Monday to see if they can fix that. If not I might have to retake it. When I took it it was considered a physical education course, now it's considered a kinesiology course which I think is why the system isn't recognizing it. Ugh. Anyway, just wanted to reserve my spot in classes before they're all full. A lot of them are already. But I have a solid schedule, and I can always unregister if I decide not to go. But I'm thinking I will go. I really want to.

My brother is in a crisis. I was with him tonight we had an argument and he escalated out of control got violent and I kicked him out of my car threatening to call 911 because I was scared. I made it home just in time for the panic attack to set in. He needs hospitalization like now. But after tonight I'm done. I've gone above and beyond to help him. But there comes a point where if someone doesn't want to accept help they need or won't help themselves there's not much you can do. My dad is informed and I've turned everything over to him because my brother will only listen to him honestly. And for my own safety I can't be involved anymore.