Sock tans

8:27 average

Felt fairly decent for being out of shape. A remarkable improvement from one and two weeks ago though. Last week I felt like I was getting sick so my chest and throat burned on the run, the week before that I had severe fatigue and felt like I was running up a mountain. Today I felt good, out of shape but good. It was somewhat enjoyable especially with music.

I have a lot going on, difficult to summarize. It's been pretty difficult but at the same time I'm doing remarkably well all things considered. 

I had therapy today and it's given me a lot to think about. I'm lucky to be alive. My therapist thought when she took me on as a client that I was going to commit suicide, that's how severely depressed I was, and then the change in me has been remarkable. But she said today that I seem to have a victim mindset, and I've been thinking about how wonderful that would be to change my inner narrative to be one of hope and pride. Rather than waiting for the next bad thing to happen to me and only focus on those things that go wrong, change it so that I'm celebrating my victories and looking for the good. Even though the world can be a shitty place sometimes, it can be really amazing too. Making the shift to a victory mindset will I think make all the difference.

I ended up in the ER around 1 am due to severe and sudden abdominal pain that started around midnight. Just my luck, I have another hemorrhagic ovarian cyst this time on the left ovary, plus free fluid in my left adnexa around the ovary, slightly prominent free fluid in the cul-de-sac, and free fluid in right and upper left quadrant. What the free fluid is from, I don't know, but it would make sense if it was another cyst that had ruptured. Would explain my pain. The fluid and hemorrhagic cyst can explain my pain as well.

I have a history of ovarian cysts. One ruptured on my right ovary last August, then discovered a large one in February on my right ovary, then discovered 3 large ones on the same (right) ovary in June and was scheduled for surgery until they ruptured 2 days before surgery. And now this one on my left ovary. I don't know what the solution is, but I'm over these damn cysts. They hurt like hell when they rupture and put me at risk of ovarian torsion when they get big. 

All this to say, no running today. I slept maybe an hour if that in the ER, so I caught up on some sleep throughout the day (decided not to work today). 

2 miles easy this morning, 8:47 average. Average HR- 161 bpm, Max HR 179 bpm

I love Nothing but Thieves. They've got some great music. 

2 miles, 8:34 average.

I recently got an Apple Watch that monitors HR so I wore that today (been using Nike run app instead of garmin lately, which is useful for regular runs. If I start doing actual workouts I'll switch back to the garmin). I averaged 163 bpm and highest HR was 178bpm, which is 84% and 92% of my max HR respectively. Which would've put me into Zone 3- tempo for an average of the run and Zone 5- anaerobic for my max HR. It kind of helps me feel like I can relax more and don't have to be so anxious about if I'm running fast enough, because I am. It also supports the evidence that my body is struggling with fatigue. I know that already, but to see proof in my HR that I'm working hard is reassuring because I've been discouraged about my effort vs. my pace. 

I decided to decrease the pace and see how it felt to go slower and if that feels more manageable than pushing myself to be sub 9:00. I just ran at a slower pace that felt comfortable. I ended up averaging 9:20/mile. My HR was lower with a 155 bpm average. My max HR was still 174 bpm but the average was much lower than Tuesday's run, confirming for me that I need to slow it down even though I feel like I'm running so slow. I need to listen to my body, and my body is extremely fatigued so of course I'm not going to be running super fast right now. 

Update on the fatigue. It's like fighting tooth and nail to get a doctor to test my iron and ferritin levels. They see that my hematocrit and hemoglobin are within normal range and automatically assume it can't be anemia, but anemia is different than iron deficiency. I've had low iron levels before so I'm highly suspicious it's that. But another explanation could be my thyroid, which I know is struggling, but my TSH has been in normal range for a couple weeks now and I've been taking thyroid medication for 5 weeks now and my symptoms are worsening not getting better. A couple different people have told me that they can see the fatigue in my face, and my hair is falling out at an alarming amount. I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday the 28th but that's a ways away, and I'm suffering and have been for 6 weeks. I'm just so done. 

That's not to mention my ovarian cyst issues, which are ongoing even now. I have a hemorrhagic cyst on my left ovary currently and free fluid in my pelvis as of my most recent ER visit, indicating another ruptured cyst. Physically I'm just struggling, but I'm hoping I'll turn the corner here soon. 

2 miles easy sub 9:00 pace. I was sore from the hike with Brian yesterday. 

I just wanted to share a little about my work. Today I secured a client a job and it made her day, she was so happy. It's her first job. So that was really sweet. I also had a 3 day long training this week that gave me a lot of direction on how to better do my job. I am the employment manager at a special needs company and it's been a really fun job but also really challenging. I have 11 or 12 clients and I'm currently managing all but one, I have one staff under me that works solely with one client. We will likely hire another person that just interviewed today if she accepts the job. But realistically I need to hire 2 people because there are days where there are 3 clients at once needing job coaching. It's just a lot. I'm still trying to figure out if I can pass off some job development work on to my new staff or if that has to be done solely by me. A lot to figure out. But a great win today for securing my client a job, basically hiring a staff if she accepts the job, and taking two clients to vocational rehabilitation to get set up with them so that they can start their job search. Busy day but a good day. 

2 miles, 8:51 average

First track workout in years probably. 

1.75 miles warmup at 8:19 average pace, then a stride and some drills. Then got into the workout. 

1 mile- 7:21

Two 400s- 97, 91

The first 400 was starting out as an 800 but then I dropped. 

Half mile cool down