Sock tans

Wow today felt AMAZING compared to the last week or so. Breathing was good, everything felt great, nice and relaxed. 7:52 average. 

Extremely stressful day. Car wouldn’t start, was late to work, borrowed Maddy’s car after work to get a part for my car, she’s seriously so kind. Maddy’s car then wouldn’t start and I felt so so bad cause I was like this isn’t even my car! Spent 20 minutes trying to get it to start to no avail. Eventually walked home and James came back with me to try to help me out, what a guy. He was super stressed out too because of school so that was very kind of him. He couldn’t get the key to turn either and neither could an auto guy. I fumbled with it for 5 more minutes then one lucky time got the key to turn! Blessed. Then went to the post office downtown to track down a package, I ordered a dress a month ago for my best friends wedding, which I’d planned to go back up to Salt Lake for tomorrow. It was supposed to be here last week. I’m one of her bridesmaids so I kind of need that dress. Then got told it was sent back to China a couple days ago due to me moving houses a couple weeks ago, I guess I hadn't filled out the forwarding slip correctly. Also super stressed because money’s tight for the rest of the summer until my scholarships kick in, and I had a falling out with the guy I dated last semester this past weekend sooo yep life is life. Anyways then tried tracking down jumper cables to jump my car cause the battery was dead, finally found some and got my car to start. Went for a run afterwards because I knew I needed a breather.

Yeah so the run was great! Good to let off some steam. It’s a bit strange how putting yourself through some physical pain helps relieve the internal stresses and pains ever so slightly. But I’ll take it. 7:29 average. 

6 in Cedar before heading to Salt Lake. My car is fixed and got a different dress so it all worked out!

Wasatch loop

Wasatch loop. 

I’m always reminded of how different Salt Lake and Cedar are, and yet I love them both so much. Cedar’s small and more easy going, laid back and relaxed. Salt lake is big and has more to do, is faster paced and busier. Up until now it was like they were two different parts of my life, I had a lot of friends in Cedar and only a few in Salt Lake but had my family, and now they’re starting to mix together since a couple Cedar friends moved up north, and I’ve met more people through them.

I wasn’t very social in high school. I used to only care about running and looking back that was kind of a sad existence.

Now, it’s different. I find meaning in so many other things such as family, religion and the relationships with those around me. 

I’m still extremely passionate about running, but it’s not my whole world anymore.  

I’ve kind of turned into a social butterfly. I’m more relaxed and comfortable meeting new people. I’m more down to have fun because I’m not as worried about it, or I’ve realized that it doesn’t matter what people think. I’ve been lucky enough to have carefree friends who tell me not to worry when they sense I am. 

I realized this weekend that I have anxiety on top of my depression. That’s what kept me to myself in high school and still limits me in other things. I worry too much, about what’s going to happen, about offending or upsetting people, about literally everything. And I think stress heightens them both.

I think that’s why I choked so bad when Coach told me he wouldn’t let me on the team if I didn’t finish the progression run. Because I didn’t believe I could do it with my femur hurting again and worried about the worst possible outcome.

I think it’s good to challenge yourself and face your worries and fears. I’ve never regretted it. Every time I’ve taken a risk, did something despite my fears, I’ve gotten something out of it. I think pushing yourself beyond what’s comfortable helps you to grow and improve, not just in running but in all areas of life. Never giving up even when it seems too hard, but also learning to let go of the hopes and dreams that are unrealistic and only make you depressed. Finding where your efforts should be placed, what is going to help you the most. I love the lessons that both life and running have taught me. 

VA loop before helping with my friend’s wedding. It was a beautiful venue, the sealing was so special and they both were so happy. 

Wasatch loop again, I love it so much haha

Up to the zoo trail and took it over to red butte then adventure run back home. Forgot how hilly it was but the view of the valley is so beautiful so it’s always worth it

7:34 average

7:45 average. These past couple runs have been in the middle of the day and it’s been so hot

Back in Cedar, felt surprisingly good. 7:23 average. Still feel out of shape though and I’m nervous for the progression run on Thursday. Thinking about trying to hold 4 miles of 6:15 average (6:30 down to 6:00) is a bit terrifying. I haven’t done any speed or tempo in 4 months... that’s really scary to think about. Except the 2 miles of 80% I tried right before my femur started hurting for the second time. I haven’t wanted to risk it again but now I’m wondering if I should have? Ahhh. I’m just really nervous. I realized today I’ve been half expecting my femur to hurt again, I guess I’m still just scared to reinjure myself. I started feeling some pain in the same thigh today but I think it’s a tight muscle. That’s what it feels like. Went to my foam roller to try the fulcrum test and found myself tensing up because I was expecting pain haha but of course it’s fine, it’s almost been 4.5 months so yeah it should be completely healed by now. I’ve been kind of babying it, sometimes I’ll step or jump up onto a high ledge at work and I surprise myself with the ease at which I can do it. Then I remind myself I used to jump hurdles and I’m tall so of course I still can haha. My range of motion is still great and I kind of surprise myself with how much more energy and ability to focus I have now that I’ve pulled out of depression. Also, my appetite is coming back so that’s a great sign. 

7:34 average. I'm really nervous about the progression run...I just ran the same distance today and it's fine when I go slow but I'm not sure that I can hold a fast pace for that long. I might try to talk to Coach tomorrow after all the team meetings, he'll know what to say to help me relax. I just hate feeling like a disappointment is all.

Today was full of meetings for the new season to start and form training and such. It actually got me kind of pumped. I’d forgotten how much fun it is to be with the team and to have practice. The last time I did warmups/drills was back in April and today yet again I found myself almost babying my femur, expecting it to hurt as I did drills but no pain of course. That actually got me really pumped because it felt so great to be back and able to do everything with no pain. Kind of surprised me too because I realized how negative my attitude has been coming into this season, I’d basically given up all hope of ever being able to run fast again.

At the meetings we were introduced to the sports psychologist (I didn’t even know we had one to be honest) and I ended up meeting with him before the form training, it actually really helped. I realized that while, yes, I might not be at my best physically at this moment, I still have this whole year to work hard and improve. I’d had kind of the mindset that my hard work went unnoticed, that it’s been all for nothing, but that’s not true. There’s a reason I’m still on the team. There’s a reason Coach is giving me leeway. There’s a reason I got a scholarship in the first place. And that’s because of my hard work, and Coach can see that. That’s why he let me keep my scholarship for another year. That’s why he’s letting me stay with the team. Because he knows my heart is in it and he knows I’ve been putting in the work.

I realized I’ve been stressing that Coach will go back on his decision. That if I do terribly on the progression run he’s going to shake his head and wonder why he’s cutting me some slack. But that’s out of my control and worrying about it will do nothing but limit me. So, instead, I should focus on what I can control. I can work hard. Even if the worst happens and coach goes back on his decision, which I don’t think he will, I still have until December to get into the shape I need to be in for track season. I can perform well in track and secure my scholarship for another year. I can still improve, I can still be fast. It wouldn’t be the end of the world. 

Well, glad that’s over with! And I feel pretty good about it actually. I mean I sucked wind but I showed up and did what I could, and now I’m actually really pumped because Coach stuck with what he said, I’m still good to come to practice on Monday. And I’m pumped to be with the team again, I’ve missed everyone. I love it here so much. Coach said that this is the best team we’ve ever had, including the 2012 team. Our top 6 girls all secured top 7 on the all-time list, Angie set a new record with a 5:15 last mile. I frickin love my team. 

Coach decided to only take 12 girls to camp this year, I was 12th but he’s taking a freshman instead of me. Which is cool, she deserves to go. And it means I can go to Salt Lake for family pictures so my grandma will be happy. 

I ran a consistent performance, exactly the same as last year. Ha, both years I’ve been out of shape. But it’s still better than my freshman year. Made it 4 laps of the second progression, so basically 2 progressions. Started with 9:00 mile, 8:00 mile, 7:00 mile, then the progressions start. First progression is a 6:30 mile, second 6:20, third 6:10, then 3 laps idk what pace, and one mile all out. So I made it the 6:30 and 6:20 then got pulled. 

I just stuck on the pack for as long as I could and that was that. Also, my shoe became untied before the first progression so that was slightly annoying, and almost fell because someone behind me stepped on the shoelace but I didn’t so it’s all good! The whole pack was fast. I ran one lap by myself because I was technically still on pace, but after that I was done. 

I could’ve made it one more lap at least, but for what shape I’m in I’m happy with it. It wasn’t half as bad as I was expecting. 

Got our new gear, it’s like Christmas in the summertime! Mile cool down. 

Ran along Foothill, 7:24 average.

I’ve realized I hold myself to really high standards. I think part of me expects everyone else to hold me to that as well, so when I don’t meet them I set myself up for discouragement and feeling like a failure.

I think I need to tone that down a little and cut myself some slack. I need to remind myself that I can’t be perfect in everything. That yes, my standards and expectations for myself are high for a reason but if I fall short of them it’s not the end of the world.

For example, with the progression run I’d held myself to the standard that I had to finish it. Sure, Coach told me that was his standard, but I took it to heart and when I realized I couldn’t reach that goal I faltered. I didn’t think he’d give me any leeway because I wasn’t giving myself that leeway. So even when he said he’d still let me on the team if I didn’t finish it, part of me felt like I didn’t deserve it. I was still holding myself to high expectations. 

KNow I think that’s great, if you don’t have high expectations you’ll never achieve anything. But I think I need to learn how to lower them when they’re unrealistic. To cut myself some slack, to know that it’s the drive and motivations inside that count. Not always the physical proof of what I have or haven’t done. It’s not always so black and white. 

I went back and watched the progression run (it was videoed and posted on Facebook). It was kind of eye opening. I realized there were girls that fell off before I did, and while I knew that I kind of shrugged it off at the time because I still expected more of myself. Paul’s encouragement sort of registered while I was running it and I used it to try to stay positive, but it didn’t really set in until I watched the video. I guess I never really considered that Paul might be able to see my efforts, too. I was really only concerned about Coach. But Paul has always had my back and even if Coach doesn’t believe in me, Paul does. I always feel like I have to prove myself to coach because he’s the one I report to, the one that decides the logistics of the team. And while he’s patient and motivating and lenient with me, he has a team to run and has to worry about the bigger picture. Also, the last two times I’ve talked with him he’s been surprised to be reminded I still have 3 years left of eligibility. And then he’s a lot more open to believing I still have potential.

With Paul, I’ve never had to convince him of anything. I could tell in the video that he saw I was still fighting even when I hit the wall, he believed in me and can maybe see the potential I do have. And then when I did fall off pace, man it gets me every time. Paul was trying to get me to stay on pace and I let him down. I wish I had worked harder because I did give up after I’d fallen so far back from the pack. I could’ve gritted our another lap or two if I was more focused. But I think this was good, it’s something to learn from and got me back into the more competitive mindset, I’m ready to buckle down and work hard.

Extended VA loop, 7:45 average

First official practice! It was a 50% on farm run. I went out 2 with the group and came back 2 with Danielle. 7:37 average

Weights later, it’s been a while. My body felt it. Did 30 extra burpees and like 20 extra lunges and dead bugs because either someone on the team yawned or was using the wrong leg or didn’t count out loud with everyone at the end of each rep. We’re stepping it up a notch this year lol. It’s crazy the difference now from what it was my freshman year (everything was so relaxed back then), now things are so much more structured, expectations are higher, but it’s so great because our team atmosphere is so much better now. And our resources are growing. We have amazing coaches, a nutritionist, weights coaches, athletic trainers, a sports psychologist, an academic coach, an athletic lab, athletic training room, brand new weight room, even a doctor at the hospital that works specifically with SUU athletes. And everyone previously mentioned is actually taking things more seriously, there’s more respect all around. Everything and everyone is stepping up their game. It was kind of a joke my freshman year, at least compared to how things are run now. And it’s also the best team we’ve ever had according to Coach, including the 2012 team Coach has been talking about and using as an example since before my freshman year. Kind of crazy how much can change in 3 years. 

Stretched, rolled out, and Drew elbowed my piriformis and dug into my illiopsoas, hurt like heck. Didn’t realize I was so tight. Now my hips are sore

Came home from work and was itching to run again. It’s been a while since that has happened, I think I’ve finally 100% pulled out of depression. Also, I lost weight this summer without meaning to. Just a couple pounds, but still. I think it was my lack of an appetite. Or loss of muscle mass. Or both.

Ended up biking 8.6 miles, 42 minutes.

Sat down with Coach last week and made a plan for building up mileage until I’m back to 10 a day. I’m starting that up this week, and I’m going to actually stick to the rhythms this time. 

Was pretty sore today. 80% on the track and whistle hills, 3x15, 20, 25. To get back into faster paces I’m going to start small and work up. Just so I don’t reinjure myself. So I only did 2 of the 3 miles. First mile was 6:00, second (block lap + a little on track) was 6:30. Worked hard on the hills. Felt surprisingly good, I could have easily finished the 3 miles but I think I should take it slow coming back just to be safe. Cooled down to 6.5

Felt great. 50% on Cross Hollows, out and back 2 miles. 7:37 average. 

10x100m strides at 60% of mile pace with 15 seconds recovery afterwards.

Weights later, yep I'm going to be sore tomorrow. I actually kind of like weights though. It's hard but it's worth it.

Talked with Coach after practice, he gave me advice on what I should do if I want to be a coach. He said I should try to get a teaching degree. I'd been thinking along the same lines, I've thought about being a teacher since 8th grade but once I started running I veered towards coaching instead. But I can do both :) Ended up deciding to change both of my majors later in the day, both suit me better and I feel good about them. Switched Psychology to Mathematics Education because I love math and ever since middle school I've kind of had in the back of my mind that if I were to be a teacher I'd teach math :) Psychology really interests me, but I'm not as confident I'd be great at it. Math just clicks really well with me. Switched Physical Education Teaching/Coaching for Exercise Science because the PE - Coaching major sets you up to be a PE teacher as well as a coach and I don't want that. I just wanted to coach. I'd rather be a math teacher. Exercise Science would also open up more job possibilities if coaching didn't work out. And I think I will stick with these majors, I feel really good about them both. I feel like they set me up for what I want.

4 miles on Dikes. Felt good, pretty sore.

Met with a math advisor and our athletic academic advisor to get my schedule changed and everything squared away. Turns out my ACT score from high school was high enough so I don't have to take like 3 classes, which saves me a year. I get to go straight to Calculus I :) And with my Exercise Science major I will remain eligible for track/xc, I'm well through that major so I'll have to start taking it a bit slower and get more math and education courses completed.

I'm actually really excited about this, I'm doing something I know I'm good at and putting it to use, so it's not a wasted major like psychology might've been. I really enjoyed my psychology classes and got good grades in them, psychology fascinates me and I love learning about it all, but I had no direction or path paved out for what I'd do with it, except for maybe counseling. But to do that I'd have to get a Master's, and I didn't feel as stoked about it as I should. None of the paths I considered taking like psychology, english, art, or family life/human development really stood out to me as something that'd secure me the kind of job I wanted. I love all of them and have interest and skills in all of them, but I think math is the way I want to go. I'm more confident I'd secure a job with it as a major, I'm more passionate about it and it goes well with my desire to become a track/xc coach. The emphasis in education will get me certified to teach it, which allows me to help others learn, grow, and improve. Which is the reason I've picked coaching and teaching over higher paying careers. And if I'm up for it later on, I could get a Master's and become a college professor. That I'm a whole lot more like YES to than Psychology.

Road Race!! I was on Paul’s team and we won! Oh yeah!

Mile warmup and strides before starting

Just went out with the group trying to stay relaxed. I’ve always gone out quick in the past and I decided to try to keep the first mile more under control this year. Also the course has always been like .1 short in years past but this year it was exactly 4 miles. It’s slightly downhill which is nice. Came through the mile right behind Brighton and Sam, then tried not to let them go. Eventually fell off and just tried to stay positive and work through it. Told myself it was gonna hurt no matter what so might as well run hard, there was no getting out of it. That helped me finish and continue to work hard. 

Splits were 5:51, 6:12, 6:45, 6:47. So like 5:51, 12:03, 18:48, 25:38. Ish, the splits were all high.

Feel good about it, worked hard, did what I could. I never gave up and worked through it, tried shutting off my mind and gliding through and that helped me not focus on the pain so much. Started counting down the minutes left and kept the end in sight, helped me to continue on. When Haley came and passed me I sort of fought but gave up quick, more just wanted to stay relaxed but I should’ve gone with her. Struggled the last mile and a half but I stayed consistent so there’s that. The last mile I started feeling some pain in my femur I think so I might be cross training tomorrow and see how it feels on Monday. It was very minor so I think I just need to get new shoes and be a little more careful, give it some rest and I’ll be fine.

Overall I’m happy with how it turned out! Compared to last year I was 1 second slower,  but that’s not really true because it was longer this year. The full 4 miles, all the other times I’ve run it it’s been about 3.9. So it’s still about a 45 second improvement.

When it came down to it I really didn’t want to bike so I ran instead, didn’t feel any pain until like the last .5. That’s encouraging, probably just means the fast pounding on the road yesterday aggravated it so I’ll just have to be careful. 8:01 average

Decided to tell Coach about my femur to be safe, if I’d have told Coach about it when I first started feeling pain back in March I would’ve avoided a lot of time off. I did tell the trainers but only kind of selectively because I didn’t want to take time off. Time to be honest with everyone and follow the injury prevention plans in place. Since I’m feeling no pain, today I’m at 20% of mileage. I’m going off of 10 a day. So 2 miles today, we’ll see what Coach says to do tomorrow. It’ll be a speed day. 7:23 average

Bike and weights after

My quad was feeling sore, couldn’t tell if it was a sore muscle or if it was my stress reaction. I guessed that since I was feeling some pain in the road race and since it’s right in the same area as my stress reaction it was that. So I told Drew and Paul cause they were both right there, Paul said I couldn’t do any of the workout and Drew said to do the warmup, see how it feels then do 20% again if it was alright. Did the warmup, it felt fine still just sore, so I did 2 miles. 7:14 average. Then told Drew it was fine and wanted to do more, I honestly just felt like it was sore, but then another part of me said well it’s only tender in that spot and not on the other leg... ehhh I always just like to push through things. Anyways Drew said I could do another mile, was going to do it on the grass slow behind the girls, did one lap then Drew stopped me and said I was going to bike instead cause a birdie told him I like to run through injuries until it’s too late. I think it was Paul. Yeah I can’t really deny that so... bike it was. 30 minutes, threw in 2x8 minutes hard to mimic the workout. 

Then rolled out, stretched, and Drew took a look at it. MY MIND IS SO BLOWN RIGHT NOW. Drew asked me to contract my quad, keep it contracted and flex my foot, raise my leg up keeping both contracted, come back down, relax my foot, then relax my quad and I was having the hardest time doing it individually like that. I just wanted to contract and release everything at once. I just took motor learning last semester and my mind is so blown, it was like everything I learned applied in real life. Whaaat. Apparently my VMO hasn’t been firing and my other muscles have been taking on the forces instead. It took a whole lot of concentration and mental focus to get it right. So I did 3 sets of 8 of that to learn how to properly fire it and start making those neural pathways.

This could be the reason I got a stress reaction in my femur of all places, the strongest bone in the body. Either that or my vastus medialis was just weak, but it definitely stopped firing at one point. Basically the rest of my muscles picked up the slack until the forces exceeded what those muscles could take, the weakest muscle was the VMO so that helped develop a stress reaction in my femur. I am shocked at how difficult it was to do such a simple task like that. Also my left quad is visibly larger than my right, indicating a muscle imbalance.

That gives me some hope, I was pretty sad before practice because it felt like I was never going to recover from this. But now, if I can learn to fire the VMO properly and restrengthen it, then ease back into things like planned, I’ll be back for track season :) there’s no need to rush. I think being in the afternoon group is good for me because I won’t be as pressured to come back fast, I won’t be tempted to run farther and hit faster paces than I can handle. So for right now, I’m content with it. And I won’t get so competitive trying to prove myself every day. I need to be better about relaxing and allowing myself to recover on the days I need to.

Rapid rebooted and iced after.

Weights in the morning 

I’m seriously so blown away by this. What the heck? How long have these muscles not been firing? Did I just never learn how to properly contract them?

Drew says it will happen after injury. But both of my VMOs, right and left, weren’t contracting properly. Drew checked my left today and it’s better than my right but still not great. There’s slight improvement in my right from yesterday. It’s going to take time to teach my brain to use those muscle fibers. 

Out of curiosity, Drew wanted to check my glutes. Turns out I’m not contracting them properly either. I contract my hamstrings with them and it takes a lot of focus to contract them individually. Drew’s kind of amazed because I’m a collegiate athlete, how is my neuromuscular control so off? It’s fine. 

Good thing is I know now and can work on getting those muscles to fire properly. I’ll be doing a lot of exercises over the next couple of weeks.

3 miles today because I accidentally went out a half mile farther than I was supposed to. Got talking with Heather and was distracted. Felt good though.

Biked 30 minutes, stretched, rolled out and did exercises. 

Got new shoes! It was like running on pillows. My others were definitely shot.

Quad/femur/whichever it is was feeling great today. Drew only let me go 2 miles again, I was really hoping to go 4 but it’s alright. I should listen to my trainers, even if it’s frustrating to have to stay at such low mileage. Patience is a virtue. And it’ll ensure I have no more hiccups. 

I actually really like Drew. He knows what he’s doing and is very involved with me and my recovery and comes to check up on me throughout practice to make sure things are good, and I think to make sure I don’t push through anything I shouldn’t cause I have a history of that lol. But it’s kind of nice to have him looking out for me and being firm about what I can and can’t do, it relieves the stress I put on myself to be that judge. Often times I’ll push through pain because if I don’t I’ll feel like a wimp, running is pain after all. But that thinking ran me into the ground until I nearly fractured my femur. So I guess it’s just nice to have Drew tell me not to push it if I feel anything off cause I definitely would’ve already had he not. Anyways I know he’s going to help me get back and stay back, I’ve learned my lesson and won’t be trying to push through things I shouldn’t anymore.

2 miles and Paul said I could do 5 strides. 7:00 average

Biked 35 minutes

Drew had me do a glute/hip workout with Bino and Ethan, wow it was hard. It was fun though, the trainers just watched us struggle and it was kind of hilarious. I’ll be doing a lot of hip stuff to strengthen them on top of the exercises for my VMOs. 

He also said no running this weekend, just bike. He wants to make sure my VMOs are ready for what we’ll be doing next week. Also, the point of staying at low mileage right now is that I need to wait for my brain to learn how to properly fire my VMOs before I try increasing mileage. To make sure I’m ready for it. They’re already a lot better than before we started but still aren’t contracting fully. The stuff we do next week should help with that.

2 miles then biked. 60 minutes threw in 8x4 minutes hard 3 minutes easy.