Sock tans

7:29 average. Felt short of breath. 

Felt pretty crappy again, but figured it’s time to stop making excuses and start training. I think I’ve been dehydrated and that’s why I’m feeling so awful, it’s been pretty hot out when I’ve been running. 

Today I attempted 80% pace. Felt awful. Warmed up 1.25 to the bike path. 2 miles going up and back on Canyon, finished in 12:50 (6:25 average so yeah slow end of 80% pace). Then cooled down to 5. 

7:37 average. Started feeling pain in my femur on Monday, very very slight and thought maybe it could just be a minor ache and would go away but I guess in my gut I knew it was my stress reaction again. So today when it was more painful and I could definitely pinpoint it as stress reaction pain, well I rebelled and ran on it anyway because I didn’t want to accept it for what it was. But then yeah, afterwards I chided myself and here I am beginning to accept the fact that I’m injured again. Sigh. 

Feeling really discouraged. My femur is hurting again and I know I just did it to myself, I should’ve come back slower. I’ve been feeling pressured to get back because Coach increased the cut off for the progression run, basically saying if we don’t finish it we’re on our own until December and can try out again then. He said that last year too but the cut off was progression 3, then still didn’t cut anyone who didn’t make it past progression 3... but in our team meeting at the beginning of the summer he said he was relaxed last year and this year is going to be firm and cut whoever doesn’t finish. Including the slower injured folk like me. He basically said he’d give our top girls leeway if, say, Angie rolled an ankle because he’d be stupid not to let her on the team, but implied that the slower folks like me who are borderline traveling might not be given that leeway. I’m going to see if I can meet with him soon because I’ve been stressing myself out about it, and at this point it’s just seeming like an impossible goal for me. I could’ve prepared and trained for it this month and I know I would’ve been able to finish it especially if I hadn’t gotten injured and could build base mileage on top of intensity of training, but I have to take the rest of this week off then drop back down to 2 miles so basically I’m screwed. My motivation has gone out the window, I know if I work hard on the bike and in the pool I still might be able to finish it but... my headspace right now isn’t great and I just want to give up. So I might take a couple of days completely off of biking, pool, core, running to try to give myself a break and remotivate myself to work hard. 

In all reality if I did get cut it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, I’ve already signed my scholarship/financial aid contract so I have that for one more year. But I guess at this point that’s all I’m running for- to save my scholarship/hopefully stretch it out another year after this one, maybe take my 5th year out too if I’m doing well at that point. I love running and the joys that come from it, but I guess what I’m saying is I’m not motivated by competition anymore. Maybe that’s my problem. I’m motivated by trying to better myself and achieve/exceed the goals I have set for myself, but when it comes to competition I really just want to be able to travel and compete. I’ve settled for training goals and bettering myself in workouts because in all reality traveling is an opportunity that I don’t get very often. It’s also hard to dream and have these big goals for yourself when you’re struggling to convince your coach that you still have potential, sometimes I need that encouragement and to have someone else cheer for me, motivate me when I’m doubting my own ability, and sometimes I’m frustrated because I always feel like I have to prove my own potential to coach and show him that I have the drive to work hard, that I am motivated and so on. I’ve been doing that all of this year. I’ve had to be my own mental coach, and I guess I’ve gotten pretty good at it. Even right now there are things I’m telling myself to coach me through this. But some days, like today, when things aren’t looking good, I just wish Coach would tell me that it’s okay, that I’m going to pull through and when I do get back, if I work extra hard with what I can right now, I can come back stronger etc. I tell myself that but sometimes I have a hard time believing it. And I have a tendency to run more than I should because I worry about not being back in time, and I really can’t do that. If I want to heal completely I need to not rush it. 

Running collegiately is extremely stressful, if you can’t already tell. I just hope it’s worth it. So far I’ve managed to stay completely debt-free and I’ll have two degrees by the time I’m finished, so I’d say it is. Plus, I’ve made so many friends and I really do enjoy running and being on the team. And there are so many perks to being a student-athlete that do make it worth all the stress. Sometimes I just need to clear my mind and stay positive. Hopefully when I look back on all of this I can be grateful for the grit and determination that I do have, if I didn’t have them I’d have quit a looooong time ago. 

I guess I can be proud of myself for sticking it out this long, even when things were really tough and Coach was telling me my scholarship might be lessened or completely taken away. When that happened I had a day like today where I was stressed out of my mind and really questioned whether or not it was worth all this stress. I’ve had probably 10 of those days this year if I’m being honest, but two where I really actually felt like it was too much. But I pulled through last time, I toughened up and worked as hard as I could, took it one day at a time and found joy in the smallest accomplishments, and eventually I did start to improve in practice. I’m pretty sure the 80% right before I got injured, the one that I shaved 45 seconds off my time, saved my scholarship. And if I did it once I can do it again.  

Biked for an hourish

Well, I’ve officially hit my lowest. I talked to coach this morning, I’d been holding out the hope that he’d be lenient with me since I’m injured but nope. Basically I have to finish the progression run on August 16 or I have to train on my own until December, then can come back and basically try out again. Coach said I’d still be part of the team but... nope I really wouldn’t be. The only difference from being completely on my own is that I still would have access to the training room and athletic trainers. I’m just having a really hard time believing that I can finish the progression run, it already was going to be hard had I not gotten injured. I’ve never finished it before and it’s a tough one. Yeah I’ve never just given up like this before... and I haven’t given up I think I just need time to think and remotivate myself, to try to believe in myself again.

I don’t know if I should start running and increasing my miles, pushing through the pain while knowing I’m going to have to stop again eventually, probably mid-season but at least I’d be able to run with the team, or if I should accept it for what it is and allow myself to heal, risking not being fit enough to finish... if I ran I could get some faster workouts in and be able to feel what paces felt like. It’s different on the bike because it’s all effort based so I won’t have that confidence that I can run fast if I’m only biking and running like 3-5 miles. The progression run is 7.75 miles. I just don’t know what to do.  

I also really need to look at my life and figure it out, I don’t know what I should do... at this point I’m wondering why I’m still at SUU. If I get cut, I mean I’ll be here for another year because of my scholarship, but next year I wouldn’t have one, unless I miraculously recover from this injury and have a stellar year this next year. So... why am I here? And what do I want to do with my life? I‘m not too sure about my career anymore either. Time to figure things out.

Ended up running 5.25 miles at 7:24 average

Ran 2 miles, 7:24 average. Then biked 25 minutes, 4.8 miles

Things are looking up. My manager let me off work early yesterday because it was slow so that was amazing, I was able to spend the rest of the day trying to figure things out. After a solid 4 hours of thinking and praying and a long phone call with my mom, I asked one of my friends to come over and give me a priesthood blessing. Holy cow it was one of the most powerful blessings I’ve ever received. Right after James was like whoa and said he’d never felt that while giving a blessing before. God is real.

The situation hasn’t changed at all but I’m feeling a whole lot better about everything. I know that SUU is where I’m meant to be, at least for the time being. I was told that God is aware of my stresses about my femur and about something else very personal (and there’s no way James could’ve known about that). That was really, really amazing. It was also said that God doesn’t always change our circumstances because he has to respect others agency, since it is his gift to us and essential to his plan, but he will help us to overcome them. That applies to a couple different things in my life right now. But I don’t know what exactly that might mean for running, if that means God will help me to finish the progression run or if he has a different plan for me in mind, but I do know that whatever happens now is in God’s hands, who ultimately knows what is best for me. There was a whole lot of other revelation too but I think that’ll suffice for this blog entry.

So going forward, I will work my hardest on the bike and with the couple miles I can run and then hope for the best. I’m not going to push my recovery, I’m going to listen to my body and to my athletic trainers. Running myself into the ground isn’t going to do anything, I’ll still find myself in a tough spot with coach when the pain becomes unbearable to run on and it could end up pushing me back further than if I just let myself heal.

After all is said and done, I’ll know that I worked my hardest, did what I could, and if that’s not enough then I’ll know that God has something different in mind for me this next semester. Running isn’t everything, after all. Perhaps a new opportunity will open up in place of running, if it comes to that.

Still have to figure out my career plans, but I’ll save that for another day and just enjoy this moment of clarity for a bit.

Biked 46 minutes, 9.62 miles. 

Dikes, 7:24 average. Apparently my body really loves 7:24 pace lol

Decided to slow it down. Dikes again, 7:58 average. Felt myself wanting to speed it up but I forced myself to go slow. It felt nice, no pain in femur where yesterday I felt slight pain.

I’m going to meet with Coach again on Monday, my goodness things just totally flipped around. Coach texted and said he’d thought about what we talked about and said he’d have no problem, because of injury, making sure I train with one of the main groups on the team. SO MUCH RELIEF.

Training wise, though, I know I need to make an adjustment, I guess I’ll talk with Coach about it Monday. Either decrease mileage or slow down the pace, I’ve been injured three times in the two years I’ve been at SUU. Twice this past year. To avoid further injury, and maybe help me improve from here on out, I need to change something and right now I’m leaning towards slowing down the recovery runs but we’ll see what Coach says. 

6 miles easy, 7:45 average. No pain again in femur and I actually felt great. Got a little tired at the end but it was a different kind of tired, felt good. It’s been a while since I’ve felt that. 

Coach never ceases to surprise me. I met with him this morning expecting him to shut down the idea of longer and slower recovery runs, but no! He’s totally okay with me trying it out. I thought he’d be more concerned about the team’s reaction, about girls seeing me go slow and thinking they can, too, and not working as hard. But even when I asked he shrugged it off and said I was fine, just to mention that it’s an adjustment my body needs.

Wow. I’m so grateful to have a Coach that will accommodate my needs, who is patient with me and is still giving me a chance to rise up. I know a lot of other college coaches would’ve just cut me. Maybe he hasn’t given up on me after all. He mentioned that I am an exception, that he’s still going to be cutting people from the team who don’t finish the progression run (or, to be more precise telling them to train on their own until December) but because I am injured and have been dedicated and a hard worker he’s going to let me stay with the team. He’s expecting some of the girls to be upset with him that he’s allowing me to stay but he’ll be cutting others, even if they have been injured... or that’s what I gather? Idk. So I mean, I feel bad about that... but I’m really, really grateful that Coach is still giving me this chance.

We talked for a while about positivity and the atmosphere of the team, how he’s weeded out most of the negative ones but there are still a couple on the team and he’s going to try to fix that (haha but he made a point to say I wasn’t one, that was really nice. I have tried to be a positive influence so I was happy he noticed). What I found really interesting was that he said he would much prefer a girl that can run sub 5:20 but hasn’t broken 5:00 yet to a girl that has because they’re more humble and not full of themselves. They’re more willing to listen to Coach and adapt to his program, take the necessary steps to be successful, listen to Coach’s advice and apply it rather than say “it’s my way or the highway.” Those who do listen and take things up with Coach are usually the ones that see the most success, that still contribute to the team in positivity even if they’re not a main player. That’s what Coach said with me, he trusts me and thinks he’s made what he believes and expects of me very clear, which he has. I think that’s why he’s allowing me to try adjusting my training, because he knows I’m not just trying to get out of working hard, that I actually want to be here and I’m willing to do what it takes. I’m grateful that Coach can see that.

So from here on out, I can slow it down on recovery days. He said not too slow, said to make it a point to never drop below 8:30, but I can run 7:50-8:30 if I feel like I need to. I was surprised that was the range Coach suggested. I think 8:30 is pretty slow, but for the hills I think that’ll be good. I really do think this will be good for me. I think my body wasn’t able to handle the stress of the faster paces all the time, hence why I kept getting injured, so I think slowing it down a little for recovery but still pushing the workouts hard will really be beneficial in preventing injuries, and who knows maybe my body will respond better and I can finally have a break-through.

I love Coach so much, I’m definitely so glad that I chose SUU over any of the other schools that recruited me. I don’t think any of them measure up to what we have here, a team that could potentially win conference this year, a team that is (for the most part) very positive and hard working and grateful for the opportunities we do get, and amazing Coaches with a program that has brought incredible success. Both Coach and Paul are absolutely amazing, honestly they’re the reason I’ve wanted to be a coach myself one day.

As for my training from now until the progression run, Coach wants me to switch off hard and easy days of effort on the bike, and do what I can with running until I’m finally up to full mileage. As I increase my running mileage I’ll decrease my biking mileage. Basically bike the miles I can’t run, up to full mileage, which is 10 for me. I’ll probably add a couple miles to the biking though just because biking a mile is easier than running a mile.

Lol I’m going to have to start up biking again tomorrow, I’m moving into a new apartment this week, spent a lot of time doing that after work and didn’t get out and running until late so now it’s dark. I’ll do some core instead.

6 miles, 7:19 average. I guess I was excited and forgot to hold myself back, haha. At the end I could tell I’d picked it up but it felt good and not forced. Femur was fine. I think when my muscles are tight, I don’t feel smooth and I’m pushing it still, that’s when I overdo it and my femur hurts.

7:35 average

7:45 average

Biked 7.02 miles (35 minutes)

7:43 average

7:42 average

7:55 average. Felt out of shape

7:26 average. Felt a little better, but still not great. Probably just feeling the time off.

VA loop. Up in Salt Lake this weekend, finally felt good. 7:31 average. 

Shriner’s run. Felt pretty good, feel slightly out of shape still. I know I’m not it’s just me trying to get back into things.

Wasatch loop, 7:20 average. 

Okay I don’t know what’s up. Breathing hurts and my chest feels tight while running. Could be exercise induced asthma. Or I could just be out of shape. Or both. But hopefully I get over it soon. 

Got the most painful cramp or side ache or something of my life 1.5 miles in and couldn’t breathe it hurt so bad. So I hobbled home and called it. Felt like I’d been stabbed. Still managed to average 8:00 so that’s surprising.