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July 2021

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Location:

Draper,UT,

Member Since:

Jun 21, 2011

Gender:

Female

Goal Type:

Other

Running Accomplishments:

800m- 2:23

1600m- 5:10

1 Mile- 5:12

3200m-11:03

XC 3 mile-17:55

XC 5k- 19:00

XC 6k- 22:25

Local 5k- 18:42

Local 10k- 41:31

Local 15k- 1:03:55

Unofficial Half (2020)- 1:45:46

Official Half (2021)- 1:49:28

60% (5 miles)- 32:32 (6:30 average)

80% (3 miles)- 18:52 (6:17 average)

16x400s- 82.0 average

20x400s- 82.6 average

SUU Road Race- 23:30 (3.9 miles/6:02 average)

Short-Term Running Goals:

Get up to 45-50 miles/week

Run a sub-19:30 5k again

Train for and race a half marathon

Long-Term Running Goals:

18:45 or under 5k

Run a marathon

Personal:

25 years old

I graduated from East High in 2015 and received a full-ride athletic scholarship to run for SUU. In 2016, I served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I was sent home early due to depression and nannied for a few months before returning to SUU in fall of 2017. I ran for SUU again, losing my mission weight and getting back into shape. In spring of 2019 I was forced to emergency withdraw from the semester due to severe depression and received 11 ECT treatments along with meds and a diagnosis of bipolar 2 disorder. I then decided on a whim to transfer to BYU-Idaho the following semester, and struggled majorly there to even pass my classes due to depression. The following spring semester, exactly 1 year later, I again had to emergency withdraw from the semester due to severe depression and was again hospitalized. I then decided to drop out of school for a minute and work so I could pay off medical bills. I worked full-time and eventually paid off all my medical bills. In January of 2021 I went back to school online through SUU taking two more classes and graduated with my Associate's degree in July of 2021. Also in July of 2021, I got a new job working with special needs adults and teenagers. I loved it.

I'm currently between jobs, my mental health got bad again and I went to an inpatient hospital, a residential treatment center, and then a partial hospitalization program, and now I'm in an Intensive outpatient program. My goal is to learn how to thrive and not just survive. Surviving is what I've been doing for years, so it's going to be hard to learn how to truly enjoy life. But I'm grateful for the opportunity. 

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Miles:This week: 5.80 Month: 8.30 Year: 57.15
Adidas Distancestar Spikes Lifetime Miles: 3.00
Adidas Boston 7 Lifetime Miles: 430.33
Nike Pegasus 34 Lifetime Miles: 493.60
Nike Pegasus 34 II Lifetime Miles: 365.31
Nike Pegasus 36 Lifetime Miles: 480.43
Nike Pegasus 36 II Lifetime Miles: 319.00
Nike Pegasus 37 Lifetime Miles: 21.30
Total Distance
27.25
Nike Pegasus 34 II Miles: 27.25
Night Sleep Time: 0.00Nap Time: 0.00Total Sleep Time: 0.00
Total Distance
0.00

Today I rode a horse (named Montego) while in a canter :) bouncy but feels nicer and less bouncy than a trot. The horse trainer/my instructor told me that I had the best looking canter on a first try that she's ever seen, that I have great adaptability. Most people when it changes from trot to canter try to fight the new movement I guess. But I didn't! Instead I held onto the horn because I wasn't 100% sure I wouldn't fall out of the saddle lol. Something to work on but I left feeling really good about my progress!

No running because I went straight from my equine appointment to work and worked until 8pm. By the time I got home I was exhausted and let the time slip by and then it was dark :(

Night Sleep Time: 0.00Nap Time: 0.00Total Sleep Time: 0.00
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Total Distance
3.75

Today I decided mid-run to pick up the pace until I was a good mix of comfortable and uncomfortable. I did it for a mile and hit 7:23. Then ran back home easy. Felt good to mix it up, I was going 6:40 pace for a second there. I have to remind myself sometimes to push thoughts of "I could hold this no problem when I was at SUU" away. I'm at a completely different fitness level now and that's okay. 

I did it! I finished my associates degree today :) took my last final!

Nike Pegasus 34 II Miles: 3.75
Night Sleep Time: 0.00Nap Time: 0.00Total Sleep Time: 0.00
Comments(1)
Total Distance
3.00

I had a very good conversation with my therapist this morning. She asked me about a time I was happy and what I was doing at that time. I mentioned running brought me a lot of happiness in my college days and she asked why. I said it was because of the sense of accomplishment of doing something hard and excelling at it. She then asked me why I can't be happy today. I said I didn't know. 

She also said that my bipolar disorder isn't what's getting in the way. I had bipolar disorder back then, too, I just wasn't diagnosed yet. 

Happiness comes from hard work. And she said that happiness shouldn't be our goal, it should be fulfillment.

Makes me wonder, what even is happiness? I know depression and sadness well, but what feeling is happiness? I know mania, euphoria, and the shallow happy from saying oh I'm doing all of this stuff, going all these cool places etc. but when have I been truly happy? And I think that answer is in achieving something difficult, accomplishing something great, and pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone so that growth can take place. 

There are a few changes I want to make in my life- first, running. I want to start running again for the sense of fulfillment it brings me, not because I have to or because if I don't I'll lose fitness. Second, my approach to my upcoming job. I want to look at it with excitement and gratitude for the fulfillment it will bring.

I almost didn't run today, but I got myself out the door just before dark. I did a mile easy, a mile hard-ish, a mile easy. My easy pace as of late is around 9-9:30 pace. My mile hard (not all-out, but picking up the pace) was 7:39. I know that's nothing to go crazy about, but it's my benchmark time. Now I'm getting a taste of running faster again. And it felt good.

Anyways long post, lots to think about

Nike Pegasus 34 II Miles: 3.00
Night Sleep Time: 0.00Nap Time: 0.00Total Sleep Time: 0.00
Add Comment
Total Distance
3.00

It was hot, 88 degrees by 9:30am. Gotta get up early to get that nice weather eh? I enjoyed sleeping in tho

My twin brother proposed to his girlfriend tonight... she said yes!

Nike Pegasus 34 II Miles: 3.00
Night Sleep Time: 0.00Nap Time: 0.00Total Sleep Time: 0.00
Add Comment
Total Distance
2.50

It was HOT

I had a psychiatry appointment this morning, we're going to drop my dose of lithium in a couple weeks (on August 1st)- the reason being I am starting a new job this week so she wants to give me time to adjust to it before we change my meds. I am losing hair like no other, which is caused by lithium (it causes the thyroid to under function). I used to have hair as thick as Tessa's (my sisters) and now it's suuuper thin. I don't wanna be bald so we're finding an alternative before I lose all of my hair. Hopefully it goes well and I don't get super depressed or manic lol. I'll also be starting up an anti-convulsant used off label for anxiety. I've been quite anxious as of late, I don't know why

I have an appointment with my general practitioner on the 27th to test my thyroid/see if I can get a referral for a dermatologist. 

Nike Pegasus 34 II Miles: 2.50
Night Sleep Time: 0.00Nap Time: 0.00Total Sleep Time: 0.00
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Total Distance
3.00

8:39 average

Nike Pegasus 34 II Miles: 3.00
Night Sleep Time: 0.00Nap Time: 0.00Total Sleep Time: 0.00
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Total Distance
3.00

Out and back on Foothill

I'm stressing out about my job, next week I will be the only staff over the day program and I've never worked the day program before. I got a little training on it yesterday but I still feel like I'm just being thrown in. Ahhhhh

I'm also slightly concerned about my mental health, just because of some of the thoughts I've had in the last few days, and I say this hesitantly because I don't want people to think it's worse than it is. I think the stress is just getting to me.

Some of those are things like thinking I'm going to die young anyways, who cares about skin cancer and subsequently not wearing sunscreen and getting fried. So not direct suicidal thoughts but a general apathy about life that is leading to undesirable behaviors.

Apathy about life is a good way to put it. I don't feel that depressed, just apathetic.

I see my therapist on Tuesday.

Nike Pegasus 34 II Miles: 3.00
Night Sleep Time: 0.00Nap Time: 0.00Total Sleep Time: 0.00
Add Comment
Total Distance
3.00

Currently pondering over my loss of interest in things that I used to really enjoy, namely: running, reading, and drawing. I used to be so passionate about all three of those. College athlete, talented enough at drawing that I can draw portraits of people and I've had people tell me they'll pay me to draw them, and I always enjoyed a well told story. But since I left college, no more drawing, hardly any reading, and running is a STRUGGLE to even get out and go running. On top of that, I already want to quit my job because of how stressed I am. It hasn't even been a week. Did you know it's really common for those with bipolar disorder to hop from job to job? That's what I keep doing and I need to stop, but it's oh so hard to believe in myself enough to stick out a job. I know it's something most won't understand, but all the same. 

Nike Pegasus 34 II Miles: 3.00
Night Sleep Time: 0.00Nap Time: 0.00Total Sleep Time: 0.00
Comments(1)
Total Distance
3.00

Easy 3

Nike Pegasus 34 II Miles: 3.00
Night Sleep Time: 0.00Nap Time: 0.00Total Sleep Time: 0.00
Add Comment
Total Distance
0.00

Wow has it really been almost a week since I last ran?? I guess it has. Oops. I would've gone tonight but last minute my grandparents asked me if I wanted to go with them to the temple. It's harder to get into the temple now than it was before COVID (you have to make reservations, can't just show up). So I decided I'd jump on the opportunity. It was a neat experience. And my first time back to the temple (excepting Olivia's sealing in June) since COVID.

I found one thing I do quite enjoy- swing dancing. I've been going with a friend and her husband on Saturday nights and last night we went to a different one. We're going again tomorrow night :)

My job is becoming more and more manageable. And I'm starting to grow close to my clients. I can see myself sticking this one out for a long time, which I didn't think I could a week ago. So I'm grateful for that change. 

Night Sleep Time: 0.00Nap Time: 0.00Total Sleep Time: 0.00
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Total Distance
3.00

3 easy

Nike Pegasus 34 II Miles: 3.00
Night Sleep Time: 0.00Nap Time: 0.00Total Sleep Time: 0.00
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Total Distance
27.25
Nike Pegasus 34 II Miles: 27.25
Night Sleep Time: 0.00Nap Time: 0.00Total Sleep Time: 0.00
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