Sock tans

Today I rode a horse (named Montego) while in a canter :) bouncy but feels nicer and less bouncy than a trot. The horse trainer/my instructor told me that I had the best looking canter on a first try that she's ever seen, that I have great adaptability. Most people when it changes from trot to canter try to fight the new movement I guess. But I didn't! Instead I held onto the horn because I wasn't 100% sure I wouldn't fall out of the saddle lol. Something to work on but I left feeling really good about my progress!

No running because I went straight from my equine appointment to work and worked until 8pm. By the time I got home I was exhausted and let the time slip by and then it was dark :(

Today I decided mid-run to pick up the pace until I was a good mix of comfortable and uncomfortable. I did it for a mile and hit 7:23. Then ran back home easy. Felt good to mix it up, I was going 6:40 pace for a second there. I have to remind myself sometimes to push thoughts of "I could hold this no problem when I was at SUU" away. I'm at a completely different fitness level now and that's okay. 

I did it! I finished my associates degree today :) took my last final!

I had a very good conversation with my therapist this morning. She asked me about a time I was happy and what I was doing at that time. I mentioned running brought me a lot of happiness in my college days and she asked why. I said it was because of the sense of accomplishment of doing something hard and excelling at it. She then asked me why I can't be happy today. I said I didn't know. 

She also said that my bipolar disorder isn't what's getting in the way. I had bipolar disorder back then, too, I just wasn't diagnosed yet. 

Happiness comes from hard work. And she said that happiness shouldn't be our goal, it should be fulfillment.

Makes me wonder, what even is happiness? I know depression and sadness well, but what feeling is happiness? I know mania, euphoria, and the shallow happy from saying oh I'm doing all of this stuff, going all these cool places etc. but when have I been truly happy? And I think that answer is in achieving something difficult, accomplishing something great, and pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone so that growth can take place. 

There are a few changes I want to make in my life- first, running. I want to start running again for the sense of fulfillment it brings me, not because I have to or because if I don't I'll lose fitness. Second, my approach to my upcoming job. I want to look at it with excitement and gratitude for the fulfillment it will bring.

I almost didn't run today, but I got myself out the door just before dark. I did a mile easy, a mile hard-ish, a mile easy. My easy pace as of late is around 9-9:30 pace. My mile hard (not all-out, but picking up the pace) was 7:39. I know that's nothing to go crazy about, but it's my benchmark time. Now I'm getting a taste of running faster again. And it felt good.

Anyways long post, lots to think about

It was hot, 88 degrees by 9:30am. Gotta get up early to get that nice weather eh? I enjoyed sleeping in tho

My twin brother proposed to his girlfriend tonight... she said yes!

It was HOT

I had a psychiatry appointment this morning, we're going to drop my dose of lithium in a couple weeks (on August 1st)- the reason being I am starting a new job this week so she wants to give me time to adjust to it before we change my meds. I am losing hair like no other, which is caused by lithium (it causes the thyroid to under function). I used to have hair as thick as Tessa's (my sisters) and now it's suuuper thin. I don't wanna be bald so we're finding an alternative before I lose all of my hair. Hopefully it goes well and I don't get super depressed or manic lol. I'll also be starting up an anti-convulsant used off label for anxiety. I've been quite anxious as of late, I don't know why

I have an appointment with my general practitioner on the 27th to test my thyroid/see if I can get a referral for a dermatologist. 

8:39 average

Out and back on Foothill

I'm stressing out about my job, next week I will be the only staff over the day program and I've never worked the day program before. I got a little training on it yesterday but I still feel like I'm just being thrown in. Ahhhhh

I'm also slightly concerned about my mental health, just because of some of the thoughts I've had in the last few days, and I say this hesitantly because I don't want people to think it's worse than it is. I think the stress is just getting to me.

Some of those are things like thinking I'm going to die young anyways, who cares about skin cancer and subsequently not wearing sunscreen and getting fried. So not direct suicidal thoughts but a general apathy about life that is leading to undesirable behaviors.

Apathy about life is a good way to put it. I don't feel that depressed, just apathetic.

I see my therapist on Tuesday.

Currently pondering over my loss of interest in things that I used to really enjoy, namely: running, reading, and drawing. I used to be so passionate about all three of those. College athlete, talented enough at drawing that I can draw portraits of people and I've had people tell me they'll pay me to draw them, and I always enjoyed a well told story. But since I left college, no more drawing, hardly any reading, and running is a STRUGGLE to even get out and go running. On top of that, I already want to quit my job because of how stressed I am. It hasn't even been a week. Did you know it's really common for those with bipolar disorder to hop from job to job? That's what I keep doing and I need to stop, but it's oh so hard to believe in myself enough to stick out a job. I know it's something most won't understand, but all the same. 

Easy 3