Sock tans

ECT early this morning. I have to be watched 24/7 because I have a slight risk of unintended seizures with my ECT treatments. So my sister Hattie was kind enough to come with me to Bonneville Elementary School in the afternoon and I ran laps while she played with her soccer ball. I’m already out of shape, sigh. But I was glad that I could run today. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to after becoming aware of how much swimming with my sisters the other day took out of me. But it wasn’t too bad :) 8:00 average

2 miles on the treadmill. I’m sore from yesterday, which is kind of sad.

I’m trying to figure out housing for next year. My parents are mad because the room I had this year is in the basement and doesn’t have a real window to outside, the window goes into the hallway, which then has a window to the outside stairway. It was probably the worst room for me to stay in since I struggle with depression. Currently trying to find a place and secure an upstairs room, found one close to campus that I really like and will probably take. It’s cheap, too. Just trying to work things out with friends so we can live together. 

My memory loss is driving me insane. I can’t remember the simplest things. Makes it really difficult to figure things out

Laps at Bonneville Elementary again. 7:40 average

My mom says that we have an appointment with the doctor Monday morning and he’ll determine if I need more ECT appointments or if I’m good now. I might not need any more. 

Went to my sister’s soccer practice and ran at the dirt track again. 4 miles, 7:02 average. I’m out of shape, stopped once two miles in to stretch and catch my breath. Next time I won’t!

They’re filming High School Musical 4 in my neighborhood (I’m an East High alumnus remember?), we drove by to try to spy Zac Efron but we couldn’t see him :(

Didn’t end up running today. I wasn’t in the mood to run laps at Bonneville Elementary or run on the treadmill (my only two options since I have to be monitored at all times for unintended seizures- my dad says no to going to a high school track because of high school team practices). Only a little bit longer, then I can start running alone wherever and whenever I want.

My memory has improved. I still forget things every so often, but I’ve surprised my family with some things I’ve been able to remember. I felt terrible though because I forgot that today is my sister Hattie’s birthday. Usually I’m on top of birthdays. But I guess I have an excuse for forgetting haha. 

Anyways, today my dad and younger sisters Millie and Tessa came with me over to the East High track. Millie and Tess rode theirs scooters and I ran, my dad chilled on the bench lol. My first two miles were a bit quick, I didn’t intend them to be. It just kind of happened- 13:43 (6:52/mile). Then I stopped and stretched by the fence for a minute, Millie and Tess dropped their scooters and grabbed the fence to start stretching too to mimic me, it was really funny hahaha. They’re so cute. Then I continued but slowed because I’m out of shape and can’t hold that pace anymore (kinda sad but it’s reality). 4 miles total

We meet with the doctor on Monday to determine if I need more ECT appointments or if I’m okay to just stay on Prozac. My mood is about an 8 today. I feel loads better than I did just a bit ago, but I’m not sure if I’m in a super extra stellar mood. But I feel good. I know you can’t have amazing days all the time, but having a mood disorder makes it difficult to know what’s “normal” haha. I’m certainly not depressed anymore. Probably the first time I can confidently and 100% say that since October 2015 (I was diagnosed with depression on my mission in August 2016- my first major depressive episode happened in October/November 2015 and I’ve been mostly down in the trenches since then (usually 3-5), but have occasionally come up feeling pretty good like at a 6-8 for a month or so). Anyways, the last 10 months I’ve been down at about a 0-3, the month leading up to my hospitalizations I was 0-1 every day. I guess I should say when I’m alone I’m these numbers. When I’m with friends, you can add 1-2 to it. I isolated myself for the majority of the month leading up to my hospitalizations and being with people didn’t help at all there at the end, I was pretty ready to be done with life after staying down at 0-3 for so long. Death honestly seemed better than continuing to live like that. But yeah, it’s been a rough ride for a while, I hope the Prozac works for me (I’ve tried Escitalopram, Celexa, Wellbutrin, Duloxetine, and Pristiq and none of them worked well enough- and one I had a bad allergic reaction to). I guess ECT is for rapid improvement in symptoms but you need to take an antidepressant to keep depressive symptoms at bay, if antidepressants still don’t work then I think the doctor said something about a maintenance ECT program. Idk, this is all my second hand information after asking my dad about a hundred times the same questions, so hopefully I remembered correctly. if I write it down I’ll remember it. I’ll edit it if I find out I’m wrong hahaha.