Sock tans

I'm pretty tired today. They woke me up for breakfast, then I went back to my room and slept until they woke me up for lunch. Today is a rest day for ECT. My mood is a 4 or 5 and I'm a bit bored. And kind of down for no reason. I have my next ECT scheduled for 5:30 tomorrow morning. I called one of my friends (I thought it was for the first time) and apparently I called her a couple days ago but I have no recollection of that phone call haha. ECT certainly messes with your memory. I was stunned when she said I've been here for about a week now, I remember only like 2 or 3 of the days this week.

I had ECT done early this morning at 5:30. This time around they induced two siezures instead of just one. I am really tired now and my memory is terrible. I slept through breakfast because I couldn't keep my eyes open. But I am feeling loads better than I did when I first got here. The staff all say that I look brighter, happier and more alive and so do my parents. They say I have more color in my cheeks. I really am so surprised at how much better I'm feeling, I never thought I'd feel this good ever again. I'm probably an 8 or 9 on the scale from 0 to 10, 10 being the best. I'm getting there slowly but surely. My mom says she's happy that I'm being so open about it and not ashamed when my friends come to visit or anything because it's a mental illness and not something that I would ever consider in normal circumstances. I never thought of it like that, but it's true. I definitely wouldn't consider it now because I am feeling so much better. My social worker talked about potentially discharging me from the hospital tomorrow morning, we'll see if that happens. She said it just can't be on a day I have ECT and my doctor has to be on board as well. And then I need to get a few other appointments set up.

I was released from the hospital this morning. It’s a bit shocking to realize how long I was in there for. With my memory being as bad as it is, it felt like I was only in there 4-5 days but I was actually there for 9. I got a doctor’s note so I can emergency withdraw from classes and Paul and Coach know what’s up. I’ve been feeling upwards of 9 on that scale 0-10 for the past couple days. Right now I’m a bit sad for no good reason, but overall I’m feeling good. About at a 7. I have to go back to the hospital every other day for a bit to continue my ECT treatments starting tomorrow. I’m not sure how many more times. I have to be monitored 24/7 because there’s a risk for unintended seizures. So I ran at a track during my sister’s soccer practice and my dad watched me run. 3 miles, 7:15 average. Felt surprisingly good. I think I’m driving my dad nuts because I keep asking him the same questions over and over again. I don’t remember asking them before is the thing haha

I had ECT done again this morning, except this time they induced two seizures instead of just one. It’s made me very fatigued and dizzy. I took a long nap and rested most of the morning/early afternoon. I’m not sure if I feel up to running today but we’ll see how I feel later this evening. 

Didn’t end up going running today. But it’s ok, it’s good to take a break sometimes. 

I am so relieved, I honestly believe coming to UNI saved my life. I’m starting to feel a night and day difference. I have a more treatment-resistant kind of depression, I’ve tried antidepressant after antidepressant and none of them have worked for me. I’d finally hit my breaking point and wanted to be done with life because I was so miserable and felt like I couldn’t do anything right.

I have not felt this good since my senior year of high school/a little into my freshman year of college. I’m not completely better yet, but I have hope again that things WILL get better. I’m starting to get excited about running again, I feel more positive and more happy, I’m excited for Cross now because running is such a mental sport and I know my depression has been holding me back big time. For the first time in over a year I know for a fact I can improve off my high school times if I continue to work hard. I’ve done it before and I can do it again :)

It’s still a bit unsettling to not be able to remember anything before this morning. I’m sure I’m driving my family nuts with all my questions, haha. My mom wrote up a list of my commonly asked questions with their answers for me to reference in the future. 

I almost went running by myself today but my mom stopped me and reminded me that I have to be watched 24/7. So I went with my dad and my sister to my sister’s soccer practice and my dad watched me run around a dirt track for 6 miles. 7:10 average. 

I’m feeling like I’m at an 8 or 9 today. Pretty good. 

I’m feeling really good today. About a 9 or 10! And bonus- I can actually remember stuff now! My parents were really surprised when I told them everything I did yesterday because until now I haven’t ever been able to remember what I did the day before. But I remember all of it :) I went to the Grand America with two of my high school friends, I went to my sister Hattie’s soccer practice and ran on a dirt track, and then I played with my younger sisters Millie and Tessa (they’re 7). 

Today I went to Fairmont with my family because Millie and Tessa really wanted to go swimming. I was wanting to go running, but since I have to be monitored 24/7 for unintentional seizures I knew I had to have someone come with me. I was trying to convince my parents to let my sister Hattie ride her bike by me or to have one of them drive me to a track or something, but my dad later told me that the doctor said something about not running on ECT days. I had ECT done this morning. I thought pshht doctors schmoctors, I’ll be fine! But after swimming with my family, I started to feel very faint. My mom asked me if I was okay and said that I’d gone sheet white. Yep, I had to sit down for a minute. I’d only had two bowls of cereal before that so that could’ve been the cause, but it also could’ve been the swimming. I might have to take it easy on ECT days, even if I’m itching to run. 

Yep, it must’ve been the swimming. I just ate and I still feel faint. So no running on ECT days.

I emergency withdrew from my classes today, so that stress is off my shoulders. I’ve never been so happy to click the mouse hahaha. I’m excited to experience what college is like when you’re not severely depressed. I think it will help out my running a ton, too. 

Didn’t end up running today. I had a reason, I just can’t remember what that was is the thing. It’s terribly frustrating. I’m losing my mind because I can’t remember anything

Trying to figure out housing for next year. I’m hoping to move to an upstairs room because being in the basement didn’t help my depression out at all. It’s very difficult to figure things out for the near future when you can’t remember anything. I’m just going in circles.