Sock tans

I was readmitted to the Dixie regional hospital Saturday night after a phone call to my mom and she urged me to go. This time I went to the access center in St. George to avoid the ambulance ride (my dear friend Ruthie took me at 11pm, which was so kind of her. I think I freaked out my roommates though). Anyways, then I arranged to be transferred to Uni at the University of Utah and my dad came down to St. George and brought me there. I'm so glad it worked out- Uni is about 10 times better than Dixie. They took me off of Lithium and were curious to know why the psychiatrist at Dixie put me on it (for the suicidal thoughts), it must've helped for a little bit or maybe just being in a stress-free environment at Dixie helped ease the thoughts, but as soon as I started thinking about having to go back to class and track the thoughts came right back. So now I'm here, in Salt Lake at Uni. Not sure how long I'll be here, but at least a week. Treatment plan is to stay on Prozac and do ECT (electroconvulsive therapy). There are some potential side effects like headaches, memory loss, and fatigue and on rare occasions unintended siezures so I'm a bit nervous but it'll be alright. The thought of inducing a seizure seems a bit scary but somehow it helps with depression. At this point when I've tried several medications over a couple years and none of them have worked, ECT is looking like a good option.

I had an EKG done tonight and I have bradycardia (expected since I'm a runner) and a T wave abnormality, the doctor will assess it and see if I'm still okay to do ECT. The technician said it could be nothing, but we'll see

I will be emergency withdrawing from the semester seeing as I won't be able to go back to Cedar for a few weeks anyways. I feel bad about not being able to complete the semester, but I really, really tried. I quit my job, I dropped 2 classes, I resolved to fail anatomy and focus on my remaining 3 classes in order to still be eligible for cross country next semester, I got help from tutors and my academic coordinator and met with the sports psychologist, then switched to an actual therapist at the hospital rather than waiting after being on the CAPS waitlist for 2-3 weeks. I asked friends and Paul for help, and they did, but I just simply wasn't able to do it no matter how hard I tried. I hold myself to high standards and feel like a failure for it, but my therapist tells me depression is a disability and out of my control so I shouldn't be so hard on myself. But still, it's hard.

My mom gave me some really good news today- my dad talked to Coach over the phone and he's going to hold my scholarship so I will still have it next year. I was really worried I wouldn't so that is a huge relief.

This morning I started ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) in which they put me under anesthesia, gave me a paralytic so I wouldn't thrash about except for my right hand (so the doctor could tell when I was siezing) and induced a siezure by sending an electric pulse through my brain. For some reason doctors don't understand, it helps with depression. Something about balancing the chemicals in the brain, I guess. And they say it's the most effective treatment for depression, quicker and better than antidepressants. It usually takes 8-12 treatments and they usually do it every other day, except for at first to get a jumpstart on it. The first 4 treatments I have to stay at the hospital for, then after that I can come back and forth from home on treatment days. So about a  week? left in the hospital. Anyways, I was out for it so I don't remember any of it, but my mom was there and she said I was very confused when I woke up, had huge hiccups (I guess the diaphram is one of the first muscles to move again) and couldn't remember much of anything. I knew my name but when the doctor asked if I knew where I was I had no idea. I don't even remember that conversation, but my memory has improved significantly. The rest of the day I still had memory loss, and still do to some extent when I try to remember certain things (for example I had to ask the nurse if I took my antidepressant this morning, I did apparently but I have no recollection of it). My mom said I was white as a sheet when we had to part ways, I was very nauseated. Haha, she also said the first thing I did when I awoke was grab my leg and say, "ow my leg..." My muscles are very sore. Like the fourth day of effort and hard core weights sore. And I have a headache. So I stayed in bed until dinner. I could hardly eat anything because it hurt to open my jaw more than a centimeter or two (again sore muscles). Yayyy I get to do it all again tomorrow! Except it's in the morning so I won't have to starve myself- it'll just be a late breakfast since I can sleep through most of the time (no food 8 hours before and no water 5 hours before).

Had ECT done again this morning (they wanted to jumpstart me- normally they do every other day). I'm no longer nauseated and I don't have a headache anymore. Really the only things affected are incredibly sore calf muscles, a tight back, and being extremely fatigued. I slept away most of the day - one of the nurses tried to wake me up at 2pm but I couldn't keep my eyes open so she let me continue to sleep. Another nurse came and woke me up at 4:30 so I could get up in time for dinner - I hadn't eaten anything prior. I'm still rather tired and have moments where I feel as though I might black out, especially if I move too swiftly. I also have slight memory loss and confusion. But mostly I just have a hard time staying awake. All are normal side effects of ECT, just annoying.

My social worker spoke with me this morning before the first group meeting. She said I look brighter and better than I did when I first got here. I'm a little more present and pay more attention to the interactions of people around me. I feel a little better too, I don't want to hurt myself anymore so that's a plus. That deep darkness/sadness/despair is mostly gone. On a scale from 0-10 on how I'm feeling, 10 being the highest and 0 being the lowest, I'm about a 5 today. That's improvement from a 3 yesterday and a 2 the day before that. Today is a rest day, I will resume ECT tomorrow. If I keep improving I should be set to go home early next week, then finish out the ECT treatment every other day by coming back here to UNI. They also doubled my Prozac dose today, so now I'm at 40 mg. Not sure why? I must say, I'm surprised at how much the ECT has helped. I'd given up hope that anything would work since none of my antidepressant medications were doing anything except giving me side effects.

I had ECT done early this morning at 5:30 rather than 8:00. I've been pretty tired for the whole day and a bit dizzy and can't move too fast or I start to black out. The most noticeable and concerning one to me, though, is the short term memory loss. Well all of it is concerning, I certainly hope they go away once I am finished with ECT. I'm told they're all just side effects so I think they will. Anyways, I forget simple things like what the date is today, what day of the week it is, if I've talked to my coaches and if they know where I am, if there's something I need to do in order to withdraw (the plan for right now is to emergency withraw from the semester and move back in with my family until fall semester, my dad will probably drive with me back to Cedar to help me move). My high school friend visited me today and asked me if I remembered our friend's mom (and our YW president while we were in high school) passed away. I had forgotten until she mentioned it. Then I remembered coming up for her funeral a bit ago.

Also, wanna know something random? When they give me the anaesthesia in my arm it feels so cold and kinda good, but then I'm out. It's like a lot of vials pushed into my blood stream and it feels kinda cool. Not that I'm a druggy or anything haha. Or I guess I'm drugged up while I'm here so maybe I'm a forced druggy lolol

Also my mom said that when they're giving me ECT the machines always beep and freak out because both my heart rate and blood pressure are on the lower end, but the doctor tells her not to worry because I'm a runner and that's expected. I've had blood pressure as low as 90/60 after anaesthesia, at night it's been like 102/75 or higher, a couple times right at 120/80. For HR I think my lowest has been 46 or 48 (they check both every morning and every night).

Just had a meeting with the doctor, he said I look brighter and will maintain eye contact for longer where before I wouldn't and I smile more now. He said those are the things that he's noticed that have changed. You know, I kind of don't want to withdraw from the semester if I'm going to be feeling even better than I do now. I know I won't have the best grades but then I won't have to completely start over in the fall. I can continue to meet with tutors. I'll talk to my parents and see what they think, maybe I can just get an extension on assignments or something. Idk. And running might suck for a week or two after being stuck in here, but I still have another month... I guess I won't be able to go back to Cedar until around the 6th of April anyways. I'll think about it. I thought I was always going to be depressed and feeling good seemed like such a thing of the past. Hence why I became suicidal and wanted to hurt myself. It's hard to explain why that seemed nice, it's like feeling physical pain is a release from the turmoil inside and brings you back to the present. I'm just glad I'm not feeling like that anymore. I'm starting to feel excitement again and happier and things just feel brighter.

Oh, and the doctor also said that I can't drive for a week after I finish the ECT treatment because there is a risk that I could have an unintended siezure. So, yeah. I probably will have to withdraw even if I don't want to. I'd probably do better in track, too, if I waited for next season to use my eligibility. I can already tell I'm more motivated and excited to start running again, even if I am the slowest on the team. Our team is just really, really good, the best we've had in SUU history (2018 Women's Cross Country Big Sky Conference Champions! First time our women have gone to Nationals was this year! I really am so happy to be a part of such an amazing program. Maybe next year I can push my way up and help the team out in some way. I believe optimism, positivity, and hard work are the keys to success).

I'd say I'm about a 6 or 7 today on the scale I previously mentioned. We had a "fresh air break" tonight and I ran 11 laps (each lap was probably between 100-150 meters) before they called us inside. I started to get nauseated again towards the end. It felt so good to run again, though I wish I had my running shoes because running in boots kinda sucks. But they won't let us have any strings or laces here. Maybe next time I'll barefoot it on the grass