AM: Wasatch loop. I'm starting to feel like I'm actually getting back in shape. Running is feeling really good, I'm getting excited about starting to increase miles this week. Thinking about doing two a days, both to help with mileage and to give me something to do in the evenings to release built up energy from boredom.
I haven't been taking a watch with me because I want to run at a pace that feels good and enjoy my runs. All of these runs I've memorized the length of. I don't want to be so caught up with hitting a specific pace that I obsess over it. For now, I want to go with the higher miles less intensity approach to getting into shape. Build up my base. Then I'll see how I feel about introducing speed work, fartlek, hills, etc. once I do that though I want to have a goal, a time-trial or a race to be working for.
PM: VA loop, 4 miles. I love night runs, I always feel so much better in the evenings.
Today I had a therapy Zoom call and I also went back up to UNI for a psychiatry appointment to check in with meds. Everything is good so far- no suicidal thoughts, no depression, no self-harm, and also (as far as I can tell) no hypomania since my hospital stay. Which is great- it means my meds are working.
With that being said- today's therapy session surprised me. Here I've been feeling like I'm doing alright, and considering everything that's happened I'd say that I am. But I was surprised to realize that even though I feel okay day to day, deep down there's a lot of stuff going on. One thing my therapist pointed out that I'd never considered before was that I'm grieving my diagnosis. For a long time I was in denial. Now who knows where I am. And of course everything that happened has thrown my whole life up in the air. Am I going to go back to school and finish my degree? Am I going to go back to BYUI? Am I going to finish out at the U? Or am I just going to start working and making a living? Can I finish what I set out to do? And is it okay if I don't? So many uncertainties.
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