5 miles. After 2 miles I picked it up, it felt good to run it out. Splits were 7:45, 7:59, 6:44, 6:45, 6:46. 7:13 average.
Today was a pretty bad day for depression. Couldn't get myself to go to weights or classes. I forced myself to go to swim class in the afternoon. That's got to count for something. I didn't even want to run but I forced myself to go out for that, too, after swim. I also did a bit of cleaning around the house. I got none of the important things I needed to done, but at least I did something? Sigh. I still don't want to do anything. I'm tired and sad and have no motivation.
I might try medication again soon. My next meeting with the sports psychologist is next week. I've been meeting with him a lot this semester. Who knows maybe one day I'll find the right medication and it'll no longer be such an issue. I gave up trying to find the right one around this time last year because of the side effects.
The sports psychologist pointed out that the things happening in my life are enough to cause anyone to grieve or stress out (and it's not just running/school/work). But my depression and anxiety cause me to get wrapped up in them, to the point of not eating or overeating or missing appointments or not being able to focus or not having the energy or motivation to do the things I need to. Really it makes it nearly impossible to function like normal. This summer I didn't eat much. Got my appetite back at the end of the summer/beginning of the semester, but I can feel it leaving again. When I'm particularly stressed sometimes I turn to food and eat and eat to feel better, but that happens less than missing meals.
I'm learning how to refocus and bring my thoughts back to what I'm doing instead of letting my anxiety skyrocket. I'm still terrible at it, but Ron said it's a skill that can be learned. And I'm trying not to criticize myself so much. I am my worst critic.
As for running, it's one of the only things that helps me feel slightly better. Even if I'm not good enough for coach, it's still my outlet. But I'm frustrated about things never changing. I thought that when we transitioned from cross to track we'd stay true to our event groups. But I should've known from past years that coach always puts the slow ones in the 800 group. I've never been one of those, until now. Almost all of those slower than me have quit the team. But this is an opportunity most people don't get. I'm still able to run and be a part of the team, and an amazing one at that.
Anyways. I don't feel like I'm needed or wanted here. But you know, that's okay. I've decided that I'll be that person that sticks around when others don't. I'll be that person that pushes through even when it feels like the walls are closing in. I'll endure and grit it out in the hopes that a miracle will happen and that I'll have a breakthrough. And really, I'm just grateful every day for being able to continue to do what I love. For such patient and understanding coaches. And for awesome teammates, even though I don't see most of them much. They're still supportive and encouraging and I love them so much.
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