After the first mile I decided to pick up the pace, which ended up making it a nice progression- though a slow one. It was nice to get my legs moving a little quicker. Mile splits were 8:38, 8:05, 7:43. Averages out at 8:08.
Sometimes I get frustrated that I'm running so slow, but I have to remind myself I'm in different shape than my college days. It would take a LOT of dedication to get back in that kind of shape. A lot of grit and determination that I'm not sure I have. I feel like I've lost my edge, I don't know how to get it back. I need something to work towards, something I'm really passionate about achieving. I don't have anything I'm working for right now, and I think that's the difference between now and then.
I'm also thinking that it's a mental thing. In all areas of my life I've been struggling to get back the drive I used to have. At work, at school (last year), and at home. It's like the work-hard switch is turned off. And I don't know how to turn it back on. Is it depression? Is it medication? Or is it something that I have control over? Is it a lack of confidence? Am I doubting my abilities so much that I just give up before I truly start? I think that's true with a few things.
I'm going to start creating my own training plans and stick to it as much as I can, even if it means running at a track a lot.
Running was my outlet and hid my depression while I was in high school. In college my bipolar symptoms kicked in full swing. I think it's foolish to believe that things can ever go back to exactly how they were before, because before I wasn't struggling to the major extent that I have in recent years and bipolar disorder hadn't fully manifested itself. But now, I have medication, therapy, and an understanding of bipolar disorder. I think there's room for improvement of functioning, and it might be possible to do so at the level I could before. But that's the hard part- is it really possible?
I do believe my depression has a large factor in my lack of motivation and drive, but I also think there's more that I could be doing to put in effort. And therefore I'm not functioning at my optimal level. It's hard because I might not be able to change the problems set by bipolar disorder, but I know there are still areas I can improve just in my own choices and efforts.
I do take heart in knowing that I'm already considered high functioning for someone with bipolar disorder. If I can optimize that I'd be in a really good place.
I'm going to make it a goal to get in a perfect week- a full week of running. I'm also going to follow a new training program to mix it up and get me more motivated. Mostly just including a tempo and a hill, speed, or fartlek workout every week.
I'm realizing that not knowing what you're going to do and not being passionate about it leaves room for slumping away from your goal. I need to figure out my passions and decide to work hard for them. If I have a great goal in mind that I really am passionate about, I can usually be dedicated enough to achieve that goal. I've got some thinking to do.
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