Believe to Achieve

worse pain of my life since child birth and broken sacrum last late summer to all winter.. except acute rib fracture (when moving).  sudden onset of pulsating pain in both hip areas that I started getting post workouts and had just worked out day before on elliptical and week before skiing m/w/f gingerly.  elliptical was tuesday before flight to florida to see amber and brooke.  so ended up in ER on 3/3 after a very painful day at hollywood studios.  absolute worse in line for toy story mania.  so freaking uncomfortable in my lower abdomen.  so much pressure.  that night, wednesday 3/3 after attempting tower of terror at 930 pm and cried on ride from intense pain with every rise and fall...I could not move and troy was at walgreens 3 x for meds, antacids, fleet enemas, heating pad.....pain didn't let up all the next day.  We  visited painfully amber at all star music resort and brooke at her place on way to work (we drove her).   Then skipped out on disney and went to hotel in lots of pain.  Did nothing but try to go to the bathroom with every painful step...needed help with all transfers in and out of bed and position changes. Thought, ureter stones???  muscle tear, infection, severe sypmphis pubis reaction??  So thursday night ER visit after working insurance issues.  CT Scan, cbc, urinalysis , us of uterus etc... All that came back was severe degenerative changes in symphis pubis and leukocytosis in urine.  no bactera.  Did disney springs in wheel chair, no way able to fly home in this pain.  Er dosed me up with fentanyl iv  toradol iv x 2 robaxin iv and for home norco for home 12 pills   had antibiotics from my family drs' PA.  chills no fever and sweating off with antibiotic.   I presume.  will chair epcot saturday, magic kingdom sunday, animal kingdom monday.  much better by monday but still needed wheel chair.  Stomach felt like someone had cut me open and stitches were coming apart post surgery to a swollen abdomen. so tight.  but when i got home i took week off and pain got better and better.  ball in stomach felt smaller and smaller.  got mri ordered for two weeks post ER visit.  showed hematoma in left rectus abdominal muscle above the pubic bone.  scleroitc changes severe to pubic bone.  got a ticket to go out and see dr matsuda in california LA area.  surgery for osteitis pubis scheduled for april and repair of muscle tears and aponeurois of pubic bone where hematoma is.  He also called me at home today since there were technical difficulties with his keyboards speaking with his computer.  It was a relaxing good conversation.  Had yesterday two test doses into hips and only succeeding inducing pain in my psoas ligaments. ouch.  tried running yesterday as prescirbed to induce the hip pain but a mile was alll i could with out aggravating my pubic aponeurosis and loss of stablity.

this is actually 3/28 and 3/29 appt with curtis neisen.  injection into both hips of lidocaine like drug.  pain at injection site no bueno with lifting legs.  still sore next day (tues 3/29)  been very sad lately from break up of brookes boyfriend at interim when missionaries sent home march 2020.  brooke home april 2020 due to anxiety.  hung out with him (josh) for two months before he was reassigned to florida when he broke up with her.  brooke unable to process it well began to ignore him when he texted or rudely respond,  that when he got back 13 months later and she was not at homecoming but at disneyland, (because quoting brooke "he didn't invite me").  so she saw him a week after back and it was awkward and he came over to remove a tree for me and acted different.  she became more distant to him and did stuff with other friends while he went to byu and met someone in november.  and in decemeber i learn this : she found out by an accidental snapchat from ronan to his apparent girlfriend that said "I love you" then "josh is over here making out on the couch"    Then ronan texted "oh sorry brooke that was meant for my girlfriend"  well brooke was hurt and let her grades plummet that she worked hard to get up.  and as a mother I was hurt because brooke kept herself on hold for this guy for two years, emotionally spiritually and mentally. and I watched it crush her as he left the first time to leave.  both crying knowing it would be a long two years without each other.  hanging each day together until july 31 2019 of their senior year.  josh told brooke she was reason he went when he did and on his mission wrote her how much he missed her in like december.  continued to write and i think josh was pretty upset to come home because of covid, everyone was,,, brooke on the other hand left on her mission jan 19 2020 and did great in mtc but not so well anxiety wise out in the field mid february and THEN covid lock down three weeks later and she tanked. tanked more as missionaries were sent home from her mission and her guy friends.  she came home so sick with anxiety my heart was breaking to see her like this    I was glad to have her back to fix her but really wanted her to return to michigan mission.  but the break up in june just sealed the knife of failure. she got a job in the parking lot of welcome home assisted living a mile away and continued to serve"her mission" there for 18 months until she left for disney world with amber jan 23 , 2022.  so a week out there or so and posts about josh and his girlfriend show on facebook. then six weeks later engagement photos and brooke held it together with some tears and with help of her friends Benton and Hannah she has been able to recoup.  Amber on other hand absolutely detests change and had serious break in her mindset during those weeks.  She always thought brooke and josh would marry and told that to josh a few times while he was on his mission in the early months as he emailed amber too. and amber is struggling with this loss of what she thought would always stay in her life.  So the last few weeks I have tried to help her move on from loss.  not just josh but her senior year being so difficult with her eating disorder taking over after the missionaries all got reassigned.  and soccer her senior year was spectacular despite.  wow she is so good.  but wow mental illness is real.  What i want of all this?  Three young capable smart attractive GUYS (males)  wtih testimonies of the restored gospel to be living lives now to be worthy of my daughters and care and love them for eternity in the future.  Brooke would add athletic to that list. and courtney tall. and amber disney lover.   I seriously pray for this every day because I know families and building families is where happiness lies.  I love this gospel. I love my savior Jesus Christ and I hope I can measure up as a mother  and future mother in law and grandma someday.  

I read an aritcle sunday night "the deeper the love or hurt from a break up for a guy"  the faster they find someone after.  here is exact quote " the speed in which a man moves from a bitter breakup to new amorous attachment is directly proportional to the pain he's feeling- the deeper the hurt the quicker the hookup. "   while the woman is left thinking "wow he didn't ever care for me" and takes a LONG time to process and move on.  

curtis nielsen  explained what happened in florida  ordered mri  told him plans to see dr matsuda in california

temple timp at 4 pm  lots of reasons coming up not to go but got there  satan really tries  no joke  but peace there was great

work imed  200 bonus  twins  nice shift  finished required education  

mri pelvis  hematoma

worked for brooke k  good shift

on call called off  requested just not doing well finger hurting again

luncheon at  grandmas  amber called very ill and depressed cut left arm 12 times or so with scissors because of anxiety

called in sick to help amber set up EAP  so worried about her

worked scn.  good shift  but busy then saw engagement photos of josh with his new gf

worked scn  on call called in at 845 am  kept busy   two admits

flew to la last night at 950    first went to whitneys wedding reception  tacos and churros and throwing of bouquet  so cute  slept in lax southwest terminal  no fun  dr dean matsuda  appt at 830 am  computer issues  walked 3 miles then ate at subway and shake at chick fil a   then airport uber   three hour delay  sent 100 dollar voucher  that helps  

depressed  trying to help amber far away difficult  and wore on me being up all night friday and at airport most of the day

worked nicu utah valley   nice team  sga baby on request refusing to eat well tiring himself  and bilateral cleft and palate eating well.  so cute.  42 weeks now, two weeks old

see 3/8 and 3/9.   Ran a mile to induce pain got test. First time to gym in 5.5 weeks    Last time was 2/19. Before cousins.  10 min mile.  Left sacral area slight healing like pain last few days.  Pubis very slight pull lower left.  Dr Nielsen agreed not hops but wanted to do test for dr with numbing. 

Dr Matsuda called   Osteitis pubis  tear in aponeurosus  of pubis   Two adductor tendon tears     Gonna do the surgery  no hip replacement  

starting to feel better processing the loss for brooke and amber and my own sadness about her last two years with him and before.    just wish more time for them to be friends again but no   thats the hard part   grief counsleing needed for amber over last three years of loss starting with grandma dying 2019 august then covid then anorexia and soccer ending and uvu starting

Felt better by end of day.  Amber doing better.  They went to lunch with friends and to temple. 

Testing hips. Hips good. Hematoma not. But not excruciating that I had to stop.  Just pressure building up in bladder area above pubis.  Aponeurosus.  Slight twang in adductors. Starter 5.7 mph. Got to 6.4 for one tm lap. Mostly at 6-6.1 mph.  19:56. Laying on stomach I feel the fullness mostly on left. 

2 easy. To try to see if pain subsides like shake out run or if pain is from injury.   An hour after run and rest of day pain progressed adductor tendon and then si joint following day and lasted until a week from following Saturday.  Two chiropractor appt later.  First one didn't help.