I had a very good conversation with my therapist this morning. She asked me about a time I was happy and what I was doing at that time. I mentioned running brought me a lot of happiness in my college days and she asked why. I said it was because of the sense of accomplishment of doing something hard and excelling at it. She then asked me why I can't be happy today. I said I didn't know.
She also said that my bipolar disorder isn't what's getting in the way. I had bipolar disorder back then, too, I just wasn't diagnosed yet.
Happiness comes from hard work. And she said that happiness shouldn't be our goal, it should be fulfillment.
Makes me wonder, what even is happiness? I know depression and sadness well, but what feeling is happiness? I know mania, euphoria, and the shallow happy from saying oh I'm doing all of this stuff, going all these cool places etc. but when have I been truly happy? And I think that answer is in achieving something difficult, accomplishing something great, and pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone so that growth can take place.
There are a few changes I want to make in my life- first, running. I want to start running again for the sense of fulfillment it brings me, not because I have to or because if I don't I'll lose fitness. Second, my approach to my upcoming job. I want to look at it with excitement and gratitude for the fulfillment it will bring.
I almost didn't run today, but I got myself out the door just before dark. I did a mile easy, a mile hard-ish, a mile easy. My easy pace as of late is around 9-9:30 pace. My mile hard (not all-out, but picking up the pace) was 7:39. I know that's nothing to go crazy about, but it's my benchmark time. Now I'm getting a taste of running faster again. And it felt good.
Anyways long post, lots to think about
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