I did Dikes and was feeling better than I expected to, so I continued over to the track and did Main Street loop to my house. I went super slow though, it’s been a long time since I’ve felt the long and slow type of tired. My legs started getting heavy about 6 miles in. Distance is my strength, I like going long a lot more than going 50% for 5 miles. Reminds me of my high school days when I went 70-80 miles in a week. I want to get back up to higher mileage.
I’ve decided to stay at SUU for one more semester and then transfer to BYU-Idaho in the spring. I’ve also decided to be done with college running but I will still be training on my own. I feel as though I put far too much pressure on myself when running with the team and become too anxious and uptight. I stress myself out and tend to berate myself when I’m not hitting the times or paces that I want to/feel as though I need to. Anxiety triggers my depression so for my mental health I think I need to ease up and lessen my load a little. I think this coming semester will help me ease back into things and it’ll be lighter in case I start to drop in my mood and end up needing more ECT treatments (hopefully I won’t need more and my medications seem to be holding up just fine, but you never know). Things will be more manageable if I can just relax and have fun and not stress myself out so much.
While I’m sad that my college running career has come to a close, I believe it is for the best. I would benefit more from running on my own and not having any pressure to run fast. I miss the feeling of accomplishment I used to get when deciding to work hard towards my goals, knowing I didn’t have to but I wanted to. If I stay with the team I think I’ll still place high expectations for myself without meaning to and feel guilty when I can’t reach them, as is my tendency. I’m so grateful for how far I have come and for all of the experiences and memories. I never would’ve thought I’d end up where I am, it’s been an amazing journey.
Now that I have decided, I’m ready to dedicate myself more to running. I know, odd, but now that I know what I’m running for I can go from there with new things to work towards. And I’ll try to remember that I don’t have to be fast, that if I’m not in great shape that’s okay. I’m running because I want to and there are no expectations.
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