Believe to Achieve

Good grief i dont think hormone replacement is for me...i am hitting rock botttom 12 days into taking estrogen and progesterone again. Bleakness, sadness, despair thoughts of meaninglessness. Not good. Now to survive coming off the right way. Feels just like postpartum depression did. So i jist put one foot in front of the other after making it thru an incredibly busy day at work saturday and almost as bad for 8 bous sunday a little better last four hours i got dressed this am and headed to the gym. Kim texted me that she was doing 10 x800s. And to gross people out on the blog and myself included kim and jane are rock stars...they start their 800s at 10.2 and do two each on up with ending at 10.6 . 10.6! And recovery is at 8.5 mph! For 400. I am blown away. Kim is talking away during her recovery. I have to say it is jane and kim keeping me going and helping me to feel a part of this world. I am having so much anxiety. Now i skipped on 800s cause i just didnt feel lkie them. I ran the following paces for each half mile of my run ...1% incline for all but paces 6:22 and under: 8:34, 8:13, 7:53, 7:35, 7:18, 7:03, 6:48, 6:35, 6:22, 6:10, 8:27, 8:06,7:47, 7:30, 7:13, 6:58, 6:44, 6:31, 6:18, 6:05(6:07 and 6:00 for quaters ) . 72:13 for 10 miles. Ap 7:13. No stops . Water bottle. Sweat. 2Chomps 15 min before workout . There is a pattern here...started tm at 7.0 moh and increased by 0.3 mph every half mile until five miles repeated same sequencefor another five miles only starting at 7.1 mph. No plan. This is all just spur of the moment. A lot of my runs are not planned out.

oooo baby the first half mile was tough at 8:27pace on the TM 1%.  I wanted to stop right then.  Just tight muscles.  Fine walking but hips in no way wanting to stretch.  I am not sore just tight.  Old lady syndrome.   Well just got thru it.  At half mile upped it to 8:12 pace and by one mile I kept it at 8:00 pace for four miles.  Then 7:47 x 1/2 mile, 7:41 x 1 mile, 7:35 x 1/2 mile and 7:03 to 7:30 for last mile (briefly at 6:31 to 6:53 pace).  1% incline for first seven.  0 percent last mile.  Very funny that 0 percent feels so much easier.  Well this RUN was the EASY part.  Off to Power Pump which today was more LIKE LUNGE HELL excuse my vocab.  YUP 20 minutes of LUNGING all types with squats.  Probably won't be able to get out of the bed in the morning.  We did walking lunges several types with heels together jumping up squats , one then the other times three or four, I can't remember.  Then a HECK of a lot more, triceps, biceps, pushups, side planks with weight lifting and ended with some good ol' ab routine.  YAH SUICIDE class.  So wish I hadn't run 8 miles before the class, by the end during triceps my arms were shaking.  VERY worried about normalcy tomorrow.  YIKES.  I think I will pass on meeting Jane and Kim at 530am.  They have never ending energy.   Oddly enough a woman in the class came up to me and said "I saw you on the treadmill running fast and then you came to this class?"  "how do you do it?"  "you have so much energy"   "do you take anything to give you so much energy"   NOPE,   NOTHING not even breakfast.  I told her she needed to come see me at night.  ZIPP-O on the the energy.  ZZzzzzzz!! :D  AP for the 8 miles =  7:53   8/63:06.

pretty much the sorest run I have ever run.  butt muscles I never knew I had were felt in the first few steps and throughout the run and my upper body was like HELLO. first UTAH outdoor run for three weeks.  NO watch, that would have been hard to see.  I could barely move.  However based off the last text to my sister and the time I got back  I am happy to report I was well under 10 minute miles : D.  Most likely 8:45 ap.  Course tooled my run.  Guessed it would be 8 but it was 8.5.  It took about 75 minutes to run so whatever that comes out to be.  I had to pee badly but I was afraid I would not be able to start up again and it was 10am so not many places to go.  Kind of uncomfortable holding those muscles as well for like three miles.  LOL.  : D.  AND the fact that I signed up for the Hale Freezes Over 5k makes it EXTRA comical of how I am going to pull off a PR.  But I got to thinking on this run ....IF my soreness is gone by then a 19:45 5K has got to be EASIER than my run TODAY.  HANDS DOWN.  So there's motivation.  

Spin class with sore legs. Yikes. Very sad today. Relivi g old wounds. January does this to me. My dad and sister passed away 32 years ago january 8. And lately i have a keen memory of the intense sorrow i felt and felt for many years. Some years i can pass by and move through it but this year has sunk me deep. We visited their graves in massachusetts last july and where we grew up. My mom and i were cryong at the graveside. It was too much emotion for me. A part of my mind i dont like opened. A flood. A piercing dagger to the insides. All that i believed and thought about was my famiky. Hence why i took down our christmas tree kn janiary 10. The lights of the tree give me hope. But a miracle today in the depths of my lowness....a call from a job for my husband. He had hree interviews and he was chosen out of many candidates. I am excited wnd so proud of him. He has hung on to me and lifted me through all these years. Almost 17 now. I am feeling the blessings of Heaven as i was unbelievably burdened. All thanks to Heavenly Father who once again let me know He is here and wont leave me. Or my famiky. So managed spin. Then gingerly jogged slow miles on the tm at 3% incline. Started with walking almost a half mile and just allowed my body to run slow. It felt relaxing. Ap 9:14.

Okay.....I should NOT experiment with hormones.  60 percent better than yesterday.  I am telling you I was in an abyss.  I   HIT ROCK BOTTOM...No one on this earth should feel like I did for several hours yesterday...crying in SPIN CLASS???? despair. you name it.  HOPE-less.  I had come off estrogen and progeterone saturday as directed but I was also put on testosterone last tuesday.  I didn't feel good about the testosterone my dr. gave me cause my level was low...my dose too was low...I started it last Tuesday--a week ago.  Every day since then my outlook on life dwindled and I was dizzy with a headache.  I stopped taking it also on Friday (last dose so four doses).  So instead I decided to take the precursor hormone to estrogen and testosterone called DHEA (which my body is super low level of and it is the most abundant steroid in the human body).  APPARENTLY my body operates on low levels be it low number of binding sites or whatever my body/brain doesn't like it.  I took the DHEA 25 mg tuesday and wednesday. DID not sleep either night normally at all.  In fact Thursday morning I was up at 0200 for two hours putting away dishes and making my kids lunches after I had slept just two hours.  BING.  I was awake. BRAIN just super wigged out.  So as the scientist I like to think I am I run tests on myself and NOT rats.  Should have looked at some Rat studies.  Some people do not have the right receptor sites for two types of estrogen, alpha and beta.  The rats given estrogen and progeterone  WIGGED out.  They couldn't pass the swim test.  Whatever that is.  I suspect that they are put by water with cheese on the other side LOL.  Okay so DHEA 25 mg is fives times the dose I have tried...but I decided I was being wimpy...the dr. wanted me on 25 mg to get my level up.  WELL I guess I just proved myself right and the Dr. wrong.  I KNOW WHAT MY BODY can handle.  I am telling you I have been to the bottom and back...and I still feel somewhat in doubt of myself and all I stand for...but I am getting back to ME.  No more hormones for me.  I will take PHYSICAL pain over the DESPAIR  anyday.   So if I can help anyone at all I would like to.   It is not how we are supposed to feel.  SO on to FINDING JOY IN THIS LIFE.  GRATITUDE DAY #1  I am thankful for FRIENDS that listen friends that LIFT friends that take the time to KNOW me.  AND I am thankful for MY DEAR LITTLE FAMILY-- TROY my husband, strong in the Gospel and strong dealing with me :D.  Courtney Brooke and Amber my beautiful children living good lives and learning every day to be happy.  RUN today:   STILL SORE.  Seriously funny to be this sore in muscles I apparently never use...so this should be good right?? I should have some glutes forming now.  Ran 7mph(8:34)2 miles, 7.2 (8:19)mph for 2 miles, 7.4 (8:06) x 2 miles then on/offs x 10 for 0.1 miles each (basically some strides) 6:18, 2 x 6:15,  2 x 6:10, 2 x 6:07, 1 x 6:03, 1 x 6:00. SW at 0 percent.  All other miles 1 %.  I was laughing at myself during the strides and seriuosly thought maybe I shold run them??? MY MUSCLES WERE SORE/TIGHT in my butt and thighs.  AP for 8 miles = 7:59.  

Sick to stomach with anxiety because i have been so depressed. Got to race later than wanted. Jogged the wrong way on orem blvd then pulled out map and realized i was not going in right direction. Masive dark cloud over me and muscles in legs still sore from tuesday, ridiculously so. Got to start line and roefly saw rachelle and jen but immediately felt no race mojo nothing. No adrenaline, no excitement just sadness. When i am oit of this hole i hope to make it up to everyone. I am not myself and it is perplexing and daunting. Running in this state is like tryong to run from your brain and you cant. Physically this race was good on my heart, my legs were tighter than post marathon soreness but with my mind it would not matter. I have never run this course and due to my poor memory i forgot my watch. So no timing device just me and my non excited body trying to work with my brain. At the giant hill i looked ahead and saw a girl i had before but could not remember who she was .....i figured she was in third. Right beside her was josse i felt so alone. I pretty much jogged the uphill. I had no desire to speed up and i dont even know if i passed yellow sbirt kid or not...i dont think i did. I have no splits but i was about 10 secs behind rachelled at the first mile of her 10 k. I had no desire to place i had no desire to compete i had no idea what my time was only i knew i had to be slower than i originally wanted cause i jogged the hill. I wanted a pr but when i woke this am i was too tight for a pr. Are lunges and squats really that good for runners? Maybe not old runners . I am happy that third place girl got my pr 19:45 that made me laugh to myself . Basically i hope i am forgiven for being debbie downer. I suppose i am happy that i got my second goal that i told my sister yesterday...under 21 minutes if my legs are still sore. Wose than my sore legs was the extreme need to pee at the starting line and no bathrooms in the community with houses along the entire course. On the downhill two guys easily sped passed me and when it flattened i easily passed them ....my quads were trashed on the downhiil. It was no advantage that 7 percent downhill for 1/4 mile. Ouch. Again i m sorry for who i am rivht now. Everyone else keep on being you!