Sock tans

HR 52

Today felt harder than it should’ve, but that’s probably because of the time I took off last week. Plus it was icy from the storm this weekend. Haha, as coach put it, it’s February so don’t worry about the weather, it’ll always be cold and snowy. Then in March the snow disappears and is replaced with 100 mph winds! Haha it was pretty funny, and kinda true lol. We did Dikes today, 7:42 average. Then rolled out, weights, and knee/hip/quad rehab. I still feel pretty tired, I’m like but why?? I’m better aren’t I? But then I realized I’m just impatient and want to be back to normal right now, and it’s ok if my body hasn’t fully recovered. I got better relatively quick for having the flu, I suppose it would make sense that I still feel exhausted. I’m ready for bed and it’s only 6:30. But I have homework to do :/

Other than feeling tired I’m almost completely better. Still have a lingering cough and a slight sore throat but much improved from last week.

HR 54

I am overly exhausted. I still feel so tired after 12 hours of sleep, went to bed pretty early last night. 

Took a 2 hr nap, I was still really tired and struggled to get up for practice (my alarm went off and I kinda just wanted to keep sleeping) but I forced myself to get up. Coach said to do half distance today, I was planning on 4 since that’s half but I was struggling even after 1 mile. Pace felt fast even though it wasn’t, I felt like I’d been hit by a train. I called it at 3. I still just want to sleep but I’m going to get some homework done, go to class at 6:30 and then I can sleep after that. Idk what’s up.

HR 48

I was still pretty tired today, but not as unbelievably exhausted as I was yesterday. So I decided to try the 60%. Coach wanted me to keep up with the group for all 5 miles because of how well I did last time we did a 60%, I got a little anxious about that because I wasn’t feeling great today. But I attempted it. I started to fall back about 2.25 miles in and decided to stop with a couple other girls only going 3 miles of the 60%. Splits were 6:19, 12:30 (6:21), 19:06 (6:36). Averages out at 6:22. Not as great as last time, but still decent, especially considering how I felt.

HR 45

Coach told me to do a 50% and pickups today instead of the workout, so that’s what I did. There ended up being a small group of us: Brighton, Julieta, Josie and I. We did Cross Hollows. I didn’t feel great today, plus it was rainy and pretty windy. Ended up averaging 7:37. There were some good-ish pickups that were sub-6:30 pace and some other parts of the run where I struggled to hit below 7:55 pace. It was just one of those meh kind of days.

2.5 miles warmup (7:15 average, kinda quick for warmup). Then strides and started. Today’s workout was 5x600s, but after the 4th I called it quits. I should’ve done the last one but I just felt awful. I told Paul I was sorry and he said not to be sorry, that we all have those days. I felt a little better after that. I was really frustrated because I was really trying to run 5:20-5:30 pace but I honestly couldn’t. I was working so hard and felt like I was running 80s but I was way off. It was also SOOO windy so that had a factor, but still. The second and fourth had an extra 200 into the wind and first and third had an extra 200 with the wind to our backs. Going into the wind was like hitting a wall and not being able to move haha. Times were 2:05, 2:18, 2:18, 2:25. So averaged 2:16 (6:05 pace). It was a struggle bus.

Drew wants me to see the doctor on Wednesday to make sure nothing else is going on. I’m probably just recovering from being sick, but I am still very fatigued. Seeing the doctor won’t hurt I guess. Rolled out and hip rehab

HR 50

According to some tests I have severe depression and moderate anxiety. I already knew I had them, but I wasn’t sure to what extent or which one was more prevalent etc. and it’s relieving to have it confirmed. Sometimes I am hard on myself and believe I should be fine or stronger because I’m in great physical shape and outwardly appear to be fine. And everyone else seems to have their lives together, but mine feels like it’s falling apart. But you know, you can be in great physical shape and still have your mental health in the gutter. That’s where I’m at right now.

I might emergency withdraw from this semester. I haven’t completely decided yet, but that’s what I’m leaning towards so I can figure life out and relieve some stress, even if it’s just temporary.

My dad asked if I thought running and school together were too stressful for me. Not going to lie, it is very stressful to be a collegiate athlete, especially one that is fighting for a chance to even compete. I’m putting in all the hard work required but miss out on the opportunities to see those benefits, except for in workouts. And I have been for years. But with the strict training regimen I put my body through and the difficulty and stress that comes with it, it’s almost not worth it if the overall result is a decrease in satisfaction in life. But, the whole thought of giving up collegiate running is one I’ve never seriously considered before. Sure it’s popped up a lot but I’ve always brushed it off because running is what I love to do and it’s been my life for 7 years. I always felt like quitting was just giving up and accepting that you’ll never amount to anything. I thought the answer was to maintain a positive attitude and endure. But maybe there’s more to it, maybe it’s just moving on to bigger and better things that will provide you with a happier, healthier, and more fulfilling life.

I don’t know if my sudden propensity for change is stemming from the depression and anxiety, hence why I want to withdraw from classes and figure my life out before making any big decisions regarding the next few years. I figure doing that is better than working myself to death and letting my mental health deteriorate any further. My depression has started to bring my thoughts into dangerous territories, it has interfered with my functionality in my everyday life, and I don’t like the direction I’m headed. So I feel it’s time to take a break and figure things out.

I’m just scared to run it by my coach and actually go through with it. I need to figure out the logistics and what I’ll do for the next 6 months if I do withdraw.