According to some tests I have severe depression and moderate anxiety. I already knew I had them, but I wasn’t sure to what extent or which one was more prevalent etc. and it’s relieving to have it confirmed. Sometimes I am hard on myself and believe I should be fine or stronger because I’m in great physical shape and outwardly appear to be fine. And everyone else seems to have their lives together, but mine feels like it’s falling apart. But you know, you can be in great physical shape and still have your mental health in the gutter. That’s where I’m at right now.
I might emergency withdraw from this semester. I haven’t completely decided yet, but that’s what I’m leaning towards so I can figure life out and relieve some stress, even if it’s just temporary.
My dad asked if I thought running and school together were too stressful for me. Not going to lie, it is very stressful to be a collegiate athlete, especially one that is fighting for a chance to even compete. I’m putting in all the hard work required but miss out on the opportunities to see those benefits, except for in workouts. And I have been for years. But with the strict training regimen I put my body through and the difficulty and stress that comes with it, it’s almost not worth it if the overall result is a decrease in satisfaction in life. But, the whole thought of giving up collegiate running is one I’ve never seriously considered before. Sure it’s popped up a lot but I’ve always brushed it off because running is what I love to do and it’s been my life for 7 years. I always felt like quitting was just giving up and accepting that you’ll never amount to anything. I thought the answer was to maintain a positive attitude and endure. But maybe there’s more to it, maybe it’s just moving on to bigger and better things that will provide you with a happier, healthier, and more fulfilling life.
I don’t know if my sudden propensity for change is stemming from the depression and anxiety, hence why I want to withdraw from classes and figure my life out before making any big decisions regarding the next few years. I figure doing that is better than working myself to death and letting my mental health deteriorate any further. My depression has started to bring my thoughts into dangerous territories, it has interfered with my functionality in my everyday life, and I don’t like the direction I’m headed. So I feel it’s time to take a break and figure things out.
I’m just scared to run it by my coach and actually go through with it. I need to figure out the logistics and what I’ll do for the next 6 months if I do withdraw.
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