Until I start running I'm just gonna post my thoughts here. I should probably journal or something, but blogging is fun too lol. Idk.
Anyway, I had therapy today. Today is the anniversary of the day I was raped. It's been a hard weekend, to say the least.
In therapy I expressed that I was still struggling with feelings like it was my fault. I then expressed that I should take responsibility for the part that I played in it, like how I got in that situation in the first place and then not fighting and not running. But my therapist said something that changed my view. She said that I should definitely take responsibility, but not in the way I was thinking. I was hypomanic at the time which meant I was hypersexual and impulsive, so I was making decisions I normally wouldn't do. And then when he started assaulting me, I was in a trauma response. I froze and went along with what was happening because I was remembering the fear I felt when I was groomed by my coach, it was a learned behavior. I went along with things back then because I thought it would keep me safe, so when I didn't feel safe with this stranger that had catfished me, my brain went immediately to do the same thing it did back then, which was to go along with things to keep me safe. Not necessarily that that was what actually would help keep me safe, but my brain had perceived it to be the safest course of action due to previous trauma.
Anyway, my therapist said that the only responsibility I need to take is that I didn't take care of my mental health. I had a "F*** it" kind of attitude. I was slightly suicidal at the time, I was hypomanic, all of which could have been prevented if I was more med compliant. So that is where I needed to take responsibility. Everything else was out of my control, and his actions are all on him. I shouldn't blame myself for what happened because it was not my fault. I could've done more beforehand to prevent it and protect myself, sure, but it wasn't my fault that he chose to rape me. That's all on him. I didn't ask for that, nor did I deserve it.
Feeling good about the progress that I've made.
And yes, it was rape. I don't really want to go into details. But it was rape. It was unwanted, I hadn't consented, and he disregarded me when I answered his question and said I didn't like pain (to which he responded wrong answer and continued to assault me). He just did whatever he wanted without any consideration about how I felt.
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